September 6, 2010
To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.
To Let Go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.
To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcome.
To Let Go is not to be protective, it is to permit others to face reality.
To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.
To Let Go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To Let Go is to fear less and love more.
Someone shared this with me some time back. I had a hard day and happened to pull it out of my drawer and read it. It helped me today and I hope it touches someone else who may need it.
August 3, 2010
Anyways, today I was missing him, wondering about how he is doing and just wanting to hear his voice, but struggling with whether I should "dial for pain". I held off, read some blogs and comments, prayed and prayed and focused on my work. A few minutes later, I received a text message from him with a super cute picture of him and his girlfriend. It touched me that God had sent me something to relived my mind to some degree. I texted him that it was a nice picture and that he looked happy and went on with my day.
He just called me and we had the best 20 minute conversation of our lives. Nothing negative, all positive and all about what we were up to individually, nothing about his addiction. It was fantastic and I feel so happy just from that little bit of wonderful conversation with my son.
Sometimes if we sit back and wait, wait it out when we aren't sure what to do, and pray, things have a way of just coming to us and working out.
Reading and commenting when I can, miss you all!
July 30, 2010
LOVE = Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve
FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real
Just a little share and a reminder to myself to step out of the way of my son's path so he can evolve, and to watch those expectations because they can easily bring about the fear.
July 23, 2010
My heart is aching and I need your strength.
I pray that You will fill my heart with love and courage and strength; I pray that you will let me feel your presence in this dark time.
I pray that my child will feel how much love surrounds him/her.
I feel boundless love for him. I think of him as a little boy splashing in the tub, and my heart breaks to see him as he has become. I love him so much, and I know that You love him more than I ever can.
Please, let him feel this love.
Please let him use this love to break free from drugs.
Please show both of us the path we must walk.
I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without your help and guidance.
I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my needs today.
Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have decided to give them to You.
I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings,my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan.
Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care
for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them.
If they need changing, God You'll have to do it; I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best. Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly. I am seeking to know You better, to love You more.I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out.Lord, teach me patience,
and remind me that it is hard work, but well worth the labor. Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need You,You will be there to help me.
We will for always remember our grown children as the innocent laughing souls they were, and it hurts us deeply when we see them in pain. Pray for love; pray that they feel God's love.
I pray you all have a wonderful joy-filled day!
July 19, 2010
June 28, 2010
June 21, 2010
I picked him up for a BBQ we had for Father's Day yesterday. He has a "girlfriend" who also recently went through the same rehab he did but is now living in a woman's sober living house. It smells like trouble to me and I overheard him talking to his sponsor in the car, sounds like he is discouraging it, but Z isn't having it. She seems nice but has many heavy issues and her drug of choice is the same as Z's. He also seemed a bit "off" last night, like he was high. I am not sure if Suboxone can make someone seem high or not. I am supposed to talk to the doctor/nurse that is supplying him with it so they can clear up some questions for me. I tried to bite my tongue and did a pretty good job of it. The girl came with him to dinner and it all went well, he was just off at the end of the night.
It makes me a bit nervous, but I will just continue to pray and let go, pray, and let go......Not my business, keep my own side of the street clean. Stay out of his way, so he can live out his journey in God's will and time, not mine. Whew, hard sometimes, but I am getting better at taking care of me.
Just felt I had to get this out. Hope everyone is doing well, I have been reading and posting comments often. Going to a meeting tonight and family group on Wednesday, sponsor call on Tuesday, hoping to start my first step.
June 16, 2010
I returned to work this Monday after two weeks off from surgery. The second week off I was feeling better and worked on some spiritual reading and prayer. I was so positive from that and felt better each day. I will continue to work on it daily it just won't be as much time as I was able to do. I find that I have been feeling a bit resentful since last night of little stuff. I really need to search myself on this, because I get angry with my loved ones (husband lately) over small stuff that is really about resentment. Then I figure it out and relay that to him. I just have really noticed that I have a pretty big problem with resentment and the "it's not fair" type of stuff. Pity party time!! Ha:)
On a lighter note Z called the other day and got a job, first one in probably a couple of years. I am very happy for him and told him how proud we were. He downplayed it because it is at Jack in the Box, but I told him a job is a job, who cares, plus he likes their food...he laughed and said "well that is true". He says he will continue looking for a better job while he works. As of late at work, many parents are sharing their pride in their kids graduating and going off to college or great jobs. I, as I am sure many of you also do, sit quietly and listen, never sharing about my boy. So I am happy to share here with you all since you understand how proud I am of him today.
Not posting a lot, trying to get back in the groove of the work thing, but am reading and trying to comment. Hope you all have a great rest of the week.
June 11, 2010
My son shared a few things with me at dinner that were pretty private. He went today to get tested for AIDS, Hep. C, etc. He seemed a bit concerned. I did ask him "well you never shot up did you:?" He has always told me he never had, nor would. Tonight he shared he had, said only a few times, but that probably means one too many times for my little ol heart to be comfortable with. I didn't respond much and he also indicated he is currently on suboxone. He has been attending many meetings and does have a sponsor and is working on step one. He is living in a sober living house. So the needle and suboxone things took me off guard. He stated that the doctor who prescribes the suboxone is all for family support and will meet with any interested family at any time to explain the drug and answer any fears. I know quite a bit about suboxone but told my son I thought that would be a great idea and lets set that up. He was calm, polite, funny and seemed happier and healthier than he has in quite some time. To be truthful with all of you, even though I let him speak, offered the kind "hmm", or that's good type of response, I am scared about the needles and the suboxone, but I know there is nothing I can do but continue to give him over to HIS higher power and let go, live in the present and enjoy the many blessings of today.
June 9, 2010
"My husband and I have a "pretend" mote around our house. When our addicts shows decides to show up with what will invariably be some type of drama or request for services, we decide if we will choose to put the draw bridge down over the mote to let them in. It is a way for us to keep the peace in our house, keep our boundaries and ourselves safe."
I just loved it along with practically everything else she would share. So for those that remember Madison, send her a loving thought and maybe she will feel us all thinking of her beautiful soul.
On another note, I have been following a blog that I believe Sherry alerted me to. I have been reading for about a month now and it is a tragic story of a family loss of their addicted son. The mother's name is Katie and she is a professional blogger. Her writing is so raw and honest, fearless. She is truly an inspiration to me, I just want to reach out to her somehow. Please check out her personal blog which follows her son Henry's beating and overdose, along with his month long battle in the hospital before his death. Now they are having some issues with the criminal investigation over the beating that are proving to be very frustrating. She shares with such love, you end up knowing Henry like he is a neighbor kid or a friend of the family. I feel truly blessed that she is sharing her story. The beginning of Henry's tragic end starts here. Please stop by if you get a chance to read through her beautiful yet painful blog and offer her some support. I will continue to follow her and forever be changed by her story.
Thanks everyone, and Madison, if you are out there in disguise, stop by and just say Hi....I will know:)
June 4, 2010
I had to go to the town where he is living today for my post op appointment and we stopped by and took Z for a burger, then dropped him off at the rehab facility for a meeting. I am really starting to try and work on myself. I have a great sponsor, am finishing a reading assignment and hope to start working my steps soon. My relationship with God has become stronger and I find great comfort at the family group Al-Anon meetings I am attending.
I look back at my past posts and see the growth that both myself and my son have gone through. I know we both have a long way to go and really there is no true destination, it is just a continued growing and learning process of life. I am starting to allow some hope into my life, some positivity, which has long been missing. I look forward to the work ahead of me and working on myself instead of distracting my own issues with trying to fix other people. I don't think I would be to this point without having found this blogging community. My truth growth and open mindedness started with this blog and all of you. I love you guys!
June 3, 2010
Anyways, my counselor told me basically it wasn't rocket science and when I caught myself thinking obsessively, then to distract with any number of the tools I have learned. So then I go off to the family meeting and share my frustration at how crazy I feel and how hard it is to stop the stupid thoughts. A woman at the meeting who is a recovering addict said several things that made since to me. She is a tough woman who has four years clean and likes to tell it like it is. She said when I am thinking uncontrolably, to not only give it to my higher power but to realize they are just thoughts and go to the mirror, look at myself and say "you're fired". I LOVE this, it just says it all. I am fired, I suck at being the boss and need to let the true boss, God, take over (not that I was ever truly in control).
I hope I am not rambling too much but I was just super excited by this little gem and had to share, hope it helps someone else out there with "stinking thinking".
June 1, 2010
Update on Z. He left the Rehab after 38 days yesterday to a sober living house 30 minutes from where we live in the next town over. As you may recall he was only able to get funding for 30 days through his probation/drug program because he was "doing so well" on the Prop. 36 program. The rehab gave him and extra 8 days and the sober living house is working with him until his assistance/job come through. I am proud of him for making these choices and proud of me for giving him the dignity to do it on his own, in his own power without any of my real "help" or "fixing". I am nervous and continue to fight negative future projecting thoughts. I know that all I have is the NOW, and that is the only thing. Right NOW my son is living on his own terms in a sober living house with 39 days clean. That is it. I pray each and every day that God keep providing my son with good solid mentors and support people to assist in his conquering his addiction. I ask the same for myself with my codependent issues. My son does have a sponsor and is working the steps. All I can do is have hope this is his time to get well and let it go.
I have been reading a lot and trying to comment. So much going on with everyone. I wanted to thank Dad for his post here, it was very helpful and the dialogue we all have is so important to our growth. I have grown so much since I first started blogging, it is fascinating to me to go back and read earlier posts compared to current posts. It gives me hope. I have not been writing as much as I am trying to heal physically, but you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during my down time, now please just pray that I will have the patience to give myself time to heal. Hope you all have a great week ahead.
Much Love and gratitude to you all.
May 27, 2010
Surgery in the morning, thank you all for the well wishes, say a prayer around 10 am PST for me:) I will be checking in while I am off work and miss you all.
May 25, 2010
I am having surgery this Friday on my sinuses and will be off work for a bit, so I am hoping after some much needed rest, I will be able to catch up here. I have been reading and trying to post comments (certain blogs I am unable to post comments on at work, others I can). Please know that I am reading and you are all in my thoughts daily.
I have been going to meetings and have found the family group meeting at Z's rehab to be my new "home meeting" even though it is farther away and later in the evening, it is where I get my needs met the most. I am hitting some local meetings and it has been very helpful. I used to think that the 12 step program just wasn't for me, that I didn't really need the help, my son needed the help. Then
My son visited us on a pass Sunday and there were some difficult moments. I was pretty much up in his stuff and things were getting muddled. I realized after a bit that I was reacting out of my own fear and insecurities and picked up the phone and called my sponsor. I am so proud of myself for doing that, it is amazing how we don't ask for help for ourselves and how uncomfortable that is in the beginning, but boy did it help! Bottom line is I want a relationship with my son, whether he is using or not, working or not, whatever or not. That does not have to include enabling him and I look forward to accepting more, being more willing and learning how to detach with love, to love him no matter what, but still not getting in his way. O.K. so now I am rambling:) I will try to write more because there is so much to share. I love sharing with my online support family, you guys Rock!
May 18, 2010
So I met with Z and his counselor last night at the Rehab. Of course I prayed all the way there for stength to hold my boundaries in place and was ready to give him what I could offer. I had the phone number to the free sober living facility that is up in the mountains about an hour from our town and also some info on Teen Challenge in Sacramento. I hugged my son when I saw him and it felt so great. I was able to tell him that I placed the boundary about him not coming to live with us for my own personal health and my reasons, not to punish him or because I didn't love him. He seemed proud that he was working on a solution. He will be signing up for general assistance this Wednesday and hopefully that will come through so he can enter the sober living house that he and his counselor have agreed would suit his needs best. He has talked to his probation drug and alcohol counselor who is on board and will be talking to his probation officer to see about getting another probation officer in the county he is currently in to cross watch him. They would then check in on him and report to his current probation officer, allowing him to finish much of his prop. 36 probation requirements in the other county. He is about 30 minutes from where we live in a larger community. I was a bit surprised and delighted for him and me.
He and I struggled a few times during this two hour meeting. I can see we are both triggers for each other, which is kind of sad. I walked away realizing just how sick in my co-dependency I am. I realized several things I said to him made him uneasy and vice/versa. We have had a pretty unhealthy relationship for quite some time and we will have to learn to relate to each other in a respectful manner with boundaries. It was an eye opener replaying it after I left, to see that I am possibly sicker in my communication ways with him than he is. I have work to do, but am willing to do it, so that is key. Overall, I left and we hugged, said our I love yous and out he went. I will pray that the best thing for him will come to pass and that I will have the courage and strength to work hard on my own recovery.
I thank you all for reading and helping me through the gray stuff. It just isn't always black and white! I have been reading all your blogs and posting comments when I can. Some of your blogs I can't post a comment from work. I will be trying to catch up on those in the next couple of nights (Syd and Barbara for sure). Much gratitude to you all, you are all part of my blog family and I cherish you.
May 14, 2010
I have to say, I will be re-reading all the comments from this poll and I like that Syd threw in a bit of old school twist (that is what I thought when I read it). I remember when I was younger, there were no rehabs, at least that I knew of. They say statistically it is 10 percent successful rate, but then they say every time they go it is important to their recovery. For an obsessive codependent, this makes it all the more confusing. I am just going to trust that God will guide me tomorrow, I have to, can't think about it to death.
On another note, I did Relay for Life this year, my first time. I was co-captain of two teams, bit off a bit much for my first go around. It was so moving and inspirational and I was able to grieve and rejoice with others that had been through watching a loved one go through the terrible death cancer can bring. I can't say enough about my weekend and how it touched me to my soul, other than I haven't slept since Friday night and am exhausted. Our county raised $162,000.00 for the cause this year, the most they have ever raised. I am proud of that.
I thank you all for your comments and hope this poll helped someone other than myself. Your input is always of great value to me.
May 13, 2010
I feel terrible about how my son and I left things. He doesn't have enough information and I know he feels abandoned and hurt. I realize the hurt could bring him good things, people say you have to go through the pain to get to the pleasure, and I know he has to do it himself. I just feel sad and guilty for the way this news was delivered and that I haven't had an opportunity to really discuss it with him.
This is the hardest thing I have EVER felt like I have to do other than my mom dying. This is just the hardest and I am so sad and full of guilt. Ugh!
I am grateful for my counseling meeting last night and the AWESOME family group I attended with my hubby and step-son. My step-son is very co-dependent and he walked out of there thanking me for inviting him and intends to go back every week. They both took away so much from that meeting, it was the best one I have been to and I walked away feeling stronger, but still very sad.
May 12, 2010
Thanks Sherry for thinking of me! I may not pass it along because I probably would have passed it to the same people you did anyway:)
1. What would your perfect day consist of?
Sitting on a nice chair on the beach in Maui watching the sunset after a beautiful boat ride and snorkeling all day.
2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?
Baggy, comfortable, worn thin
3. What hobbies are you currently working on?
My blog, reading, my recovery, walking.
4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?
The beach for sure!
5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?
I have hugged a tree!
6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?
I would like to grow my own, but my thumb is brown..so grocery store with some organic.
7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?
My whole family is exciting enough for a lifetime:)
8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?
Don't like fish so I will have to go with"posh restaurant".
9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?
Water girl here.
10. Do you believe in fairies?
May 9, 2010
My step-son called and wished me a Happy Mother's Day and said he and his GF would be by later in the day. My niece called and asked if I would be around as she was going to come by with her baby boy (she is like a daughter to me). I waited until about 6 pm and my niece flew in the door, baby asleep in the car, gave me a card and kiss and left. My step-son never showed. I tried to push down my bit of disappointment, you know how it is, I feel like I show much love to them and usually am a late thought in their minds at best. I kept counting my blessings and thanked my husband and brother for their lovely gestures and love.
My son called at 9:45 pm to wish me a happy Mother's Day from rehab. He is still on blackout until this coming Friday. I must admit that I was a bit upset that he called when he is not supposed to, but so happy that he did at the same time. I agree with Annette's comment before, I don't think he is really ready, he has called me now twice and made a point to see me at the rehab facility twice. It appears that this particular rehab facility is also a little lenient on their blackout rules because they know about the visits for sure and on at least one occasion the counselor was there.
I am still strugling with what to do when he gets released from rehab, to let him come stay with us or fend on his own. I know what I should do, just not sure if I am ready. Two people not being ready, he with his addiction, me with my codependency, probably not a recipe for peace. I know, just have to get there.
Hope you all had a good day and all you Mom's out there sleep well tonight.
May 6, 2010
We talked about whether I wanted to continue to be a rehab house, to continue to drag out my son's journey by interfering with my "help and assistance", which by the way has not worked to date. She was TOUGH. She wanted me to give her 20 reasons to convince her otherwise, why I should continue to assist my son with housing at my home when he is released. I feebly gave her the one and only answer I could, that as long as he was clean and trying I didn't feel like I could turn my back on him as he literally has nowhere else to go. Her advice? Talk to his counselors at the Family Meetings at the Rehab facility and his probation drug and alcohol counselor. Tell them how bad my health is suffering right now and how exhausted both physically and mentally. Ask what resources my son will have through probation, if any, for aftercare (as many of you know, probation services are very limited in my small town). Let them know I am trying to work my own program and want my son to have a good go of it on his own, on his terms, through his own power so he can feel like he is doing it, not someone doing it or making it easier to do it. Allow him to claim his own victory or defeat and whatever that may bring to him. Holy Cow I was crying when I left and went to the family meeting late. It was a packed meeting and I just listened. They have family members and addicts in the meeting so I was able to hear both sides, get both perspectives. My son was not there as he is on black out for 21 days. I left there not saying a word as I was just so emotional yesterday. My son called out for me as I had the front door open. This is not the first time I have been at the rehab facility with him coming into contact with me. As a matter of fact, the three times I have been there, he has managed to see me. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I love seeing him at the same time. Why do they call it black out if I can see him? I usually tell him I am not supposed to see or talk to him during this period and try to rush away. He also has made one phone call to me from some guy's cell phone (they are allowed cell phones after 21 days). Z won't be getting a cell phone and I was surprised they are so loose in the rules/monitoring of the patients.
Now I am rambling, but I cried the whole 40 minute drive home, prayed and cried. I have given it to God so many times today, and as my sponsor has said, "Why worry if you pray and why pray if you worry". Such wise words, I hope my faith and strength grow so that I can truly just give it to God and work on my own self, I have so much to do in that area anyways.
I must say that I am blessed to have you all in my life, supporting me, cheering me on, giving me good, solid advice and just being there. I appreciate every single one of you.
Tonight I pray that the Lord will help me to get out of my son's way and allow him to conquer his addiction in his own power. I pray that the Lord will help me to follow his will and guide me to carry it out.
I hope all you Moms out there have a peaceful and joy-filled Mother's Day!
P.S. Dad, I love the dog shit analogy you provided in your comment on my last post. I kept that in my head last night and not only did it pull me to the present each time but it also made me smile. Love it!
May 4, 2010
As you know if you read here, my son is in rehab and I find myself at times "borrowing trouble". I really notice now how when there isn't any chaos in my immediate life, I tend to make a little subconciously. I do this by picking a fight with a loved one over the smallest thing, being hyper critical of myself or focusing inward and freaking out over my physical well being. I am just in awe at how sick I am with codependency and grateful that I am actually seeing it. I am super agitated tonight and not sure why. I think it is because while at work today I found my thoughts drifting towards my son and being negative about it. Thinking to myself, "better enjoy the quiet now". Almost putting pressure on myself to hurry up and enjoy my time off because it will all start over soon.
I know I am rambling some but I think I have come to the conclusion that for today anyways, I need to focus on having a bit more fun, haven't done that in a while. I need to figure out what "fun" means to me now and I need to stop putting myself in a negative frame of mind over my son. His life, my life.
I have been reading you all and posting when I can and will try to keep this blog more up to date.
Whew, that felt good!
April 28, 2010
I will be posting an update this weekend, much to tell. I am tired and need to do some pretty heavy self care for the next few days.
April 27, 2010
I was raised in pure chaos. A life long friend of mine once told me that my family reminded her of the Adams family on Acid. My mom had 6 kids, 5 with one husband and then me with my dad at the age of 42 (she must have had a little screw loose:) My father was an alcoholic as was my mom's previous husband. My mom was a binge drinker and there were many physical altercations between my mother and father when I was younger. My dad was full Canadian and came to the US and taught himself to speak English (too bad he stopped teaching me French at age 2). He was a Chef and he and my mother opened three successful restaurants at different times. Each time he would sell them somehow behind my mom's back, take the money to Reno, gamble it all and fly back to Montreal. This happened at least twice that I remember leaving my mother often with no car or money. We would then have to apply for welfare and my mother would find work in the restaurant industry. She often walked back and forth to work, but always found work and worked hard...when she wasn't on a binge. I remember wishing on falling stars when I was young, blowing three kisses and wishing my mom wouldn't drink that night and thought it worked. She didn't start drinking alcohol until the age of 38 when a doctor told her to sip wine for her stress. Wow, little did he know what that would lead to! She was the type of drinker that could go months without a drop and then go on a week binge with complete blackouts at the end of the night. Sometimes she would only go a couple of weeks in between, no steady pattern so nothing was even remotely predictable. She would often buy soda and chips, cookies, etc., and I always knew that was her payoff for us because she was gonna drink her bottle of Seagram's straight from the bottle with a water chaser until she passed out. She was a MEAN drunk, awful with the tongue. When she was sober she was the sweetest woman on earth, many referred to her as Mrs. Clause:)
My father was in and out of my life until the age of 15 when he was dying from cirrhosis of the liver. The doctor told him he would recover completely if he just wouldn't touch alcohol again. Dad was a beer drinker (case a day sometimes). You couldn't tell when he was drunk because he stayed that way all day. It was not a sloppy obvious drunk, just a regular guy who drank lots of beer to the outside eye. He chose to leave the hospital, get on a plane to Montreal and died two weeks later in his homeland. I remember crying very little, didn't even go to the hospital as I was by then dating a 21 year old drug addict. My mom and dad both tried calling the cops to stop my relationship with this older man child but to no avail. Back then if a girl was willing or they didn't catch you in the act, nothing they could do...sure wish it would have been different it would have saved me years of heartache.
Growing up with my half-siblings was a huge chaos fest. My oldest brother was 26 years older than I and then on down. I have 4 nieces and nephews that are at least 6-10 years older than me. My oldest brother died of alcohol at age 59. He was clean for at least 15 years, had a good job, lived on a river and fished daily (his passion). He relapsed, lost everything and died several years later after much struggle.
My second oldest brother died 4 days before he got out of prison for stealing a car when he was drunk (they said heart attack, but mom always swore he was offed). This about killed my mom and the entire family. His name was Larry and he was born with mental and physical disabilities. He was a sweet soul and very funny, but again an alcoholic.
My next brother, Joe, has used every drug and drink possibly known by mankind. I once saw him melt down Actifed and shoot it in his arm. He has been beaten almost to death, lived in and out of prison for years, had two strokes, homeless for years and is now in a shared living home that provides him assistance. He once stole all our living room furniture for heroin. He is doing better than he has in many years but at a huge cost to his health and mind. He did well for about 12 years raising his twin boys and other son until he relapsed.
My sister died in February of this year after being diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer only 6 months before. She also struggled with drug addiction and alcohol. She gave her son up for adoption to his paternal grandpa and his wife when he was 6 and never got over it. She has two girls that now each have a child but always had a strained relationship with them. She was often abused by men and drunk a lot of the time. She moved from California to Washington, met a nice man and married. She was on prescription pills (way too many including morphine) for fybromyalga when she was diagnosed. We threw a fund raiser and got her and her husband moved into a small house where we live in California. It was the worst death I have ever witnessed nor care to.
My last sibling, brother Dan, is the one I have brought up in my posts often. He has never lived on his own, is bipolar and that went undiagnosed for years. We all thought his actions (talking to himself or traffic, anger outbursts, sleeping jags, etc.) were from drugs. His preferred drug is Meth and I have been told by his psychiatrist that he uses that because it actually calms him and the disease for short periods. That is why they call it self-medicating sometimes. But he is truly an addict and is institutionalized from being thrown in prison for violating parole for using. That is what he has spent the majority of his time in prison for. Such a shame the mentally ill have to be shoved in prison when they aren't hurting anyone but themselves.
There was a lot of fighting and verbal abuse. I became the "fixer" of the family, calling in sick for my mom's work at age 10 when she was drunk, getting in the car with her driving drunk (and in wrong lane) thinking if I was with her she would be safe, always trying to make things go smooth so she wouldn't want to drink, etc. It was a lonely life for me at such a young age and I made a lot of fun of myself and made jokes to try and help me get through. I didn't have any self-esteem and still struggle with that to this day.
My mom enabled my other brothers (never the girls) so bad. Mom always taught us it was Christian to help others, even to the point of giving them the shirt off your back. She often took in stray friends that were on the streets, fed them, gave them shelter. I always admired her for the love she showed to everyone that came her way, but now see that sometimes she could have shown it less and in a different way.
I did drugs in my youth. I smoked pot from the age of 14 until I was 18 years old. I did Meth on a steady basis (daily almost) for two years, maybe three when I was in my early 20s. I had severe panic disorder and was agoraphobic. I had situational attacks in the stores, etc. I wouldn't go back to those stores out of panic. I became pretty much home bound and still using Meth!!! My ex (my son's dad) said we were going to stop using as he was supplying it all. I stopped, he didn't.
I started going to junior college and got my AA degree as a legal secretary so I could try and support my son. I built my own home, and neighborhood, through the CHIP program for lower income families and it was a nice little home. I finally was able to move out of my mom's home when I was 26 years old. I lived with her until then for financial reasons for both her and I. By then my son was 6 years old. At age 5, his father and I split up, or I guess I should say I kicked his father out. He was a full blown Meth user along with other drugs including opiates. He stalked me for over two years. I always felt that my son should have his father in his life (probably because mine wasn't around much). This was a mistake of a young girl who tried her best at the time and I forgive myself now for it, but it took a long time. My son had necrosis of the hip at age 4/5 and had to wear a brace that made him walk funny. All the kids teased him and I tried to protect him, even putting him in play therapy hoping that would help him. He overcame it and can walk fine and has no pain. Shriner's are a blessing on a side note!!
Well here is the second installment on my story. Again, not sure what the length of this post will be but apologize for any rambling that may occur.
My son and I lived alone in our new little house that I helped build for several years. He was six when we moved in and his father started stalking me about that time. I was always torn, felt like his father should be there for him, even though he had told me if he couldn't have me, he didn't want his son in his life either. Just the thought of that makes me ill to this day. So basically for two solid years my ex would make calls to my house, leaving messages calling me awful names, telling me he had AIDS and that would mean I did also, etc. He would drive by my house and follow my movements in town...for two years. Meanwhile, he showed little love for our son who was still wearing the brace for his hip problem and struggling with all the adjustments; me working, school, his father not giving a shit, living in a new house alone with me, etc.
About this time, I got a job as a legal secretary and needed daycare. My mom usually watched my son but she had gone back to working also and was not able to do it. I turned to his other grandparents on the paternal side. This was a HUGE mistake but I had no crystal ball to foresee that. His grandfather got him involved in sports and took him to all his practices, etc. He was a pretty solid influence, but the grandmother and his father were not. His grandmother over the years would do his homework for him without my knowledge. She would pack him enough lunch for two people, enough to where the teacher called me to tell her to stop it. I spoke with her about it but she ignored it, so I started making his lunch, but she still sent one with him also. They spoke very evil of me to my son, which of course I thought there would be some of that, but not the degree I would find out about years later after the damage had been done. I tried very hard to never say negative things about my ex to my son, taking the high road I thought.
I met my husband when my son was around eight. He was a single father and owned a local business. He was loving, supportive, nurturing, all the things I was so unfamiliar with in my previous relationships with men. I actually resisted him at first, finding it all too "boring". I am so glad I hung in there, don't know what I would do without that man in my life, he was a pure Godsend. We were married five years after meeting and finally moved in together then. Our boys were close in age, mine being three years younger than my step-son. They got along pretty well and to this day stay very close.
When my son was about 13 years old is when the trouble really started. I suspected that he was having some problems as his grades were faltering and his general energy level was just different. I suspected he was smoking pot along with my step-son. I made them both go to some drug and alcohol meetings and we drug tested them on a regular basis. They did pretty well for a bit of time. My son got into trouble at age 15 for selling pot and having opiates on him at school (his grandma gave him vicoden for headaches). He received three year's probation and was put in a special school for 6 months that dealt with drug issues, etc. Around the age of 17 my son was drinking heavily and had left my home for his grandparents/father's house. His father still lived at home with his parents, never lived on his own. After a short while, my son was working and paying rent for an apartment that we owned for about 9 months, but still drinking very heavily. He passed his probation and moved to another town about 40 minutes away with friends. This is when his usage became severe. He started using Oxy, steroids, coke, etc. His father and grandparents enabled him. He ended up getting two DUI's and to this day still owes fines on this and does not have a license.
He moved back to town around the age of 20. He lived with his Dad and grandma (grandpa had moved out). They were both getting MANY prescription pain pills and allowing him to sell some of them so they could have extra money. Of course I had no idea any of this was going on at the time, no clue. His grandmother overdosed in April of 06 and his father followed one month to the day in May. My son was living at the house with them, had found his grandmother and his father. He also lost his dog about the same time. I would go over to that house (his grandfather let him live there after the deaths) and he would be so high that I couldn't even get him awake sometimes. He has driven himself or someone taken him to the hospital at least 5 times that I know of and given charcoal. I have watched this on at least 4 of the 5 times. No mother should ever have to experience that kind of scene, so painful and you feel so useless.
This all went on for awhile as I had my head in the sand a bit, didn't know what to do so just pretended it wasn't happening, it was just too painful. My husband and I took my son to our doctor and got all the meds to detox him, took time off from work and took him out of town. This didn't work. Sent him to Rehab but he relapsed as soon as he got to town. He lived with his grandfather after rehab for a bit, but stole some checks from him. His grandfather turned him in to the police and he ran to the Bay Area. Shortly after he came back to town and couch surfed for a few months. When I did see him or hear from him, he was always just loaded.
During this time my mom had become ill. I had always been afraid of my mom's death, probably because she was an "older"mom while I was growing up. She ended up moving in with my husband and I in 2006 and lived with us for a couple of years until her death in November 07. My mom was the backbone of our extended family. She had stopped drinking many years before and was a very loving person. She had a great bond with the Lord and her faith in God was so strong it was amazing to see. When she passed it devastated me and the rest of the family. Within six months my sister was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer and after moving her back here from Washington with her husband, she passed in February 09. My son stole some of her morphine from her house about 2 weeks before she died. I prayed to God for an intervention for him as I knew he was going to kill himself. Ten minutes after my prayer I received a call from an officer that he had been arrested. Power of prayer...answered in many forms.
My son was released in May of 09. My brother was also released at the same time. My son came home to live with us and is still doing so. My brother has had our assistance also. My son's behavior has been much improved from three years ago, BUT I know he is not really working a program. Sure, he passes his probation drug tests because he brings in some product that makes that happen. To date he has asked his probation officer to get into the State funded rehab because he failed a drug test and was going to be violated for a second time. He entered on 4/23/10 for 60 days. No matter what his motives for getting there, I am hopeful that he will at the very least add more to his recovery foundation and hopefully will keep building on that. It is his journey and I must let go. I know I have a ways to go to find my peace in this life, but have had more peace due to my boundaries, etc. in the past few months. This blog has been a huge help to me and all the bloggers who read my blog and comment. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to grow, giving me support and just helping me feel stronger when I need it. I hope you all have a better feel for who I am and what I am about. Also a feel for my son and his story. We all have a story and as important as it is to tell it, it is also important not to stay stuck in it. I hope with each day I get closer to getting off the hamster wheel of co-dependency.
April 22, 2010
April 21, 2010
Well, first things first. I spoke to my doctor on Monday and after talking to the oncologist/hematologist, they do not think at this point I have any type of blood disease or cancer, but that my protein levels are high from infection. I have chronic sinus problems, so I will continue to flush the sinuses, have surgery in the next couple of months and re-check the blood protein in 6 months or so. I kept myself pretty busy this weekend with the Rodeo, tried to stay present and enjoy myself as much as possible. My husband and I were very nervous off and on all weekend but I managed to have a good time for most of the weekend.
We had lots of drama over the past week. Not just the medical tests, but my brother took off for a couple of days on a manic episode and my son struggled at the Rodeo to remain clean. I held myself together, didn't get up in it with either of them. I told my son he could not stay with us at our house unless he was clean/sober and only until Rehab in May. It is hard to accept the fact that my son has a SEVERE addiction problem with not just opiates but all substances, and my brother also does also along with his mental illness. My son did not stay with us on Saturday night as he was drinking with some friends and my husband and I enjoyed the evening to ourselves after the Rodeo. We attended Rodeo again on Sunday and by Sunday night my husband, myself, my brother and my son, along with my step-son and his GF, sat down to a nice dinner, nobody was intoxicated or using.
I kept most of my boundaries in place, kept some peace in my mind and spirit in spite of the drama. I know I will only get better at this. I know my boundaries will grow and I will "do what I say, say what I mean" as I continue to travel through this journey, just taking me some time to get there. I am not perfect, never will be, but I have grown so much in the past 6 months alone.
I have missed you all so much and have been trying to keep up with reading and commenting through all the distractions. I noticed how much toll the stress over the past few years has taken on my body. I have been practicing body scans and am amazed at how tense my whole body is, my shoulders, jaw, even my tongue. Just amazing what not looking at ourselves and our own issues can do internally. I never thought I had a problem, that it was always the addicts, but I have come to realize I must work on myself, it is the most important thing now. It has to come first, I have to come first. I finally believe that I deserve that...sure took a LONG time getting to that realization and I am not always convicted in it.
I really want to start working my steps, seriously, not just reading through the books, etc. We only have a couple of members at our local Al-anon group where I live and none of them feel right to me as sponsors. I am wondering if anyone knows if the online Al-anon can hook me up with a sponsor and if anyone has had that experience? I know it is not the same as up close and personal, but at this point I would like to get started. Let me know your feedback.
Saying prayers for us all.
April 16, 2010
I walked out of the doctor's office thinking I knew what he had said but as is often the case, had many questions arise as the night wore on. Basically my "M Spike" was high which means I have a high protein level in my blood. He showed me some other stuff that was on the tests that were negative and said he was going to call his blood specialist colleague to make sure no further tests were needed. He kind of beated around the bush and I am sure he didn't want to alarm me. He never even said "blood cancer", but I knew from a time my mom was checked. He didn't seem like he was too concerned.
On the way to the doctor my husband had informed me that something small was missing out of his truck and he had a blow out with both my son and brother. When we got home I had a talk with them and my husband seperately. I went for a walk with my brother and son and came back as we all sat down to dinner with my step-son who just moved back to town. Tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. My husband is angry, I don't blame him. My son and brother are upset, each saying they don't know what he is talking about and that neither had the opportunity to take the item missing and adament that they hadn't. At this point, I am just fed up and scared. I started to cry, my husband started to cry, we are scared.
Tension is still high today in the house. I am at work, called my counselor and the doctor to try and get more info. He is out of the office today of course, but his nurse tried to assure me that if he thought it was anything real terrible he would have dealt with it yesterday.
We have a busy weekend as it is time for the annual Rodeo in our town (one of the largest 3 day rodeos). We have box seats and have gone for years promoting my husband's business. Neither of us wants to even deal with it but my step-son hasn't been able to go in three years and the box is paid for. Might be a nice diversion? UGH!
I am praying and trying to stay present. My son is still on track for Rehab, but no bed until 5/4/10. He is meeting all the boundaries (except this thing missing that he swears he knows nothing about and may very well not). Please place us on your prayer list, although I know that many of you pray for us anyways, I could use just a little extra I think right now.
I have been reading, just not feeling like blogging for obvious reasons. Miss and care for you all.
April 13, 2010
Appreciate Everything and Everyone
Look upon every experience you’ve ever had, and everyone who’s ever played any role in your life, as having been sent to you for your benefit. In this universe, which was created by a divine, organizing intelligence, there are simply no accidents.
I felt the need to do a gratitude list today in writing. I do them usually every day in my head but think I will start putting them in writing sometimes.
Today I am so grateful for:
1. My son's laughter in my home
2. My brother's continued efforts in becoming well
3. My husband for all that he is and does
4. Having all my limbs and senses
5. Having employment & health insurance
6. My home, bed and all the comforts it provides
7. My blog community
8. My personal counselor
9. My Al-anon meeting
10. Really super clean drinking water from the tap
11. Nature, just happening and being effortlessly
12. My renewed relationship with the Lord
13. Eating with my family and praying before dinner at the table every night
14. Learning to trust myself
16. That I have progressed so much in the past three years
17. I lost almost 10 lbs in a little over a month
18. Feeling free to speak my truth
April 12, 2010
So as an update, my son is still at our house. He went to his probation appointment this morning and checked in with his drug and alcohol counselor. The counselor advised him that he has not received the funding and it could be another week..ugh! Things have been going pretty well with him at the house. He has been taking small amounts of suboxine, which I have dispensed to him. I would rather do that than deal with him detoxing in my home, he can do that in rehab with medical professionals. He has been following the rules/boundaries to date.
As for me, I find that when I step back, bite my tongue, realize when I am heading into saying or doing something that goes against my own recovery, I feel uncomfortable, almost anxious. I belive it is because I am so used to behaving in a codependent way, that when I catch myself and don't, it leaves me feeling somewhat uneasy, anxious and kind of lost and alone. I know this is probably normal and will pass as I progress. I am going to a meeting tonight, found that I look forward to my weekly Monday night meeting, no matter how small it is (sometimes 2-3 people).
I hope you all have a fantastic week. I pray my son is able to get into rehab sooner rather than later, that the funding is provided this week and he will be ready to go. I pray for all your loved ones who are struggling also, that they may seek out recovery and obtain restored health. Peace to us all.
April 7, 2010
April 6, 2010
We sat down with my brother and had a discussion with him. We are not ready to make him leave as he has put out way more effort working on himself and his future than not. We are very open and honest with him about his mental illness and monitor it with his medication and his psychiatrist. We will discuss this weekend's episode with his doctor at his next appointment.
If you read here you know that I told my son I had to have proof of him entering a prop. 36 rehab program before he could stay at my home until the bed opens up. I got a phone call on my lunch hour from my son's drug and alcohol counselor. They are setting him up for rehab, but not sure when the funding will be released. He said he is hoping for the next couple of days but not to hold him to it. So in the meantime, my son will come and stay with us, without use of his cell phone, our phone, no visitors and no going into town without us. That is just until he leaves for rehab assuming that happens. I will hold tight to my boundaries, I know I can't live for him or do it for him, but I won't have the phone ringing off the hook or people coming to my home that he has been affiliated with. I am nervous about my peace. I know this is temporary and I can shift my boundaries if necessary, but it still makes me very uneasy. I feel as though I need to support him in his efforts to recovery, no matter how or why he gets there.
I have been seeing a sinus specialist and he did some tests on my immune system. They called today and said they received the results of some blood tests and need more. They now want a standard CBC but also one to check my lymphnodes. O.K., that panicked me, probably because my anxiety level is already so high and of course I am assuming the worst.
I went to a meeting last night and that was helpful. I am just so anxiety ridden today that I just cried for no apparent reason. I am at work and my co-worker is taking off starting tomorrow for three weeks. I have to pick up the slack and my boss is sick and irritable (mean). I must get myself into a space of healing. I will go home and read and I have a counseling appointment tomorrow night.
I am thinking of Her Big Sad and Peggy. I pray we will all find peace no matter what is happening around us. Thanks to you all for always commenting and rallying around when I need it, I thank God for each of you.
April 4, 2010
I changed my username from Mom of Opiate Addicted Son to Mom trying to Detach with Love, so it is still me if you see that name.
Overall, we had a lovely weekend and our dinner was nice. I hope you all had a fantastic Easter and thank you as always for your support, it helps me so much.
April 2, 2010
Posted earlier todayMy son just called me and asked what we are doing this weekend. I told him we were going out of town on Saturday and would be back Easter Sunday afternoon. He advised that he is going to ask his drug counselor to go to rehab (prop. 36) but that he would need a place to stay for a couple of days. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to stay with us, that I was at work and we would have to discuss it later. I told him I did not want him coming home and detoxing in my home. He stated he has some suboxone and he isn't detoxing. I again said I didn't think it was a good idea and we would have to talk later. As I was trying to tell him that I want to be supportive but need to be sure he is serious about going into a program, he hung up as his feelings seemed hurt and he was mad. Seems like manipulation to me. I am conflicted between feeling like I am being manipulated/used and feeling sorry and sad for my boy. I just don't think he is ready?? This sucks, my fear is rearing its ugly head and I just want to pick up the phone and call him, tell him how much I love him and how much I want him to work it out. I just need to know that he knows I love him so much. I have acted out in anger so many times with him over the past three years and I just am feeling vulnerable right now. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I know I need to let go right now, but I feel like I just abandoned my son:(
March 30, 2010
I find myself to be somewhat unsettled the past couple of days. I believe part of it is because I hadn't spoken to my son since last week and that usually means he is off the charts using oxy or whatever he can get his hands on. I have been struggling this past week to put in place the self-soothing techniques I have learned during counseling. Basically, I have been struggling with my spirituality, which means I am struggling in my own recovery of codependence. I went to a meeting this week, haven't been to one in about a month and I have only been to a few. Something told me to go and I did last night. It was a very small group but I there was some good sharing going on. I believe I will start attending every week when if possible. It has taken me some time to get to this point, willing to attend Al-anon on a regular basis and attempt to truly work the steps. I believe this, along with my counseling sessions and this blog, I will continue to get stronger and able to take care of myself and my own peace of mind. But, for today, I am struggling.
I spoke to my son on the phone today briefly regarding some mail he received here. He has been staying with some other addicts at an apartment. He is on probation, was just recently violated for violation of his Prop. 36 and reinstated to the program. He is not working that program, not attending mandatory meetings, etc. He sounded really high today, which of course tested me emotionally and I immediately wanted to "get up in it" as my counselor would say. My instinct was to ask if he had been going to meetings, how he sounded high and tell him that he would be incarcerated if he didn't start working the program. I did bring up some of these things and started to really head down that road. He started to shut down and I caught myself, told him it was not my deal, and finished the conversation. I did not stop myself prior to getting up in it, but I didn't get all the way in it, so I have grown some. I tried using some mental images, giving it over to the Lord. It is just so easy to fall back into the old patterns of asking too much, giving too much advice that is not warranted. To easy to think I actually could say or do something that would make him get well, see the light. Oh how the ego can play with us, making us think we are so powerful over our children. I must remember that the Lord loaned my son to me but he is essentially the Lord's as am I.
I am rambling, probably because I feel so out of sorts, trying to maneuver my way around this letting go but showing support and love at the same time. It is a tricky thing some days, so I will continue to take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
I have tomorrow off from work and am so grateful. I will continue to work on myself and my own life lessons, but some days it is just a struggle. Maybe I need to get out of my own way?
March 29, 2010
March 24, 2010
Last week my counselor gave me some homework. She asked me to write down all the things I am angry about and to put them in categories, such as the things I am angry about in relation to my son, husband, brother, work, etc. So tonight I take her the list, a two page type written list that had been shortened! One of the first things she noticed about my list was that my son was at the top of the list with the most entries, followed by my hubby, my job, my brother, my dead mom and sister, then me. Yep, I put myself last subconsciously!
So then she asked me to pick three things off the whole list to start with that I wanted to work on..you guessed it, not one of them had to do with the stuff listed under my name. Just found this interesting and very telling to say the least.
I picked one for my son, job and hubby. We only got to the first two. I am setting a couple of new boundaries with my son. No phone calls to each other while I am at work; no talking to me about any illegal activity he may be involved in and no talking to me about his drug use. She also gave me a few tips on how to get my head into a peaceful space when and if the next big fall comes.
Please send a prayer out for my son Z. He is in a very dark place right now and I am trying my hardest to stay present and remember there is nothing I can do, and try and believe that he is in the exact place he needs to be for his soul's journey at this very moment.
I have had a hard time keeping up with commenting/posting as I can not use my work computer any longer to comment. I have had a busy week, but I am here in spirit.
March 22, 2010
March 17, 2010
So sometimes I email myself a prayer, a sort of email to the Lord and myself to provide me strength and help me remember what it is I need to surrender. Many times these have been answered, like the time the police called me 5 minutes after sending an email for a divine intervention for my son, they had him in custody and his life was spared. Not sure why I am posting this, thought maybe if you all read it, it would be that much more that God would hear me:)
Please Heavenly Father, shine your warm beautiful light on my son Zachary right now in his time of illness and despair. I pray you will hold him in your hands and bring him to restored health. I pray you will provide a mentor in his life that can make a difference for him, someone he can look up to and learn from. Please provide an intervention in his life so that he can become healthy off of drugs and be able to live his life well.
I pray Lord that you will help me to stay out of the way of other's lessons and teach me how to do that and still find joy in my life. Surround me with light and joy, help me to restore my health. I thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life, my husband, my work to provide medical and money, my brother being healthier than he has in many years, my son for being alive. Please dear Lord watch over my family and help us to learn to be happy in the moment in this life. In Jesus Name, Amen.
March 14, 2010
I was very shaken the other day when Corey Haim passed. Even though it is not known what his cause of death is, somehow I feel it was related to his drug use, whether it be a current OD type situation or just the wear and tear over the years that drugs take on a person's body. It was strange for me as I was thinking of him a few days before his death? I don't normally sit around and think of actors or anything strange like that, it is why it made this all the more odd for me. I was just wondering how he was doing, knowing of his addiction and watching him on TV a few years ago, I just always felt he was so lost, more so than most addicts even, not sure why I felt that way? It just pounded in the fact that an addicts life can be taken so short. It made me think about my own son and all my fears associated with him being taken too young from drug abuse.
I was not online for a day and came back to much sad news with Mom and Dad's son relapsing and Ant going back to jail. It just broke my heart and I found myself wanting to reach through my computer and try to "fix" it. Yep, that was me, Ms. Fix It, or at least I thought before my son's addiction reared its ugly head many years ago. I wish we all didn't have to go through this and that our kids would get well. On that note, there was a bit of happy news with Lisa C's son Bryon graduating rehab and going back to be an intern there. Also over at Annette's place with H doing really great and Sherry's son being clean and sober. It gives us all hope even in the midst of relapses and active use that our kids can get up, brush themselves off and get back on a better path. It is possible and there is hope.
I have gained so much strength from those of you that commented on my posts this week (every week actually). I never feel like I can thank you all enough. Praying for us all...Renee
March 11, 2010
I did it tonight. My son called me tonight right as I opened Clean & Crazy's comment and I was crying. He told me he is staying with a friend, I know the friend and she is an addict also. He states they are going to try and get clean together? I bite my tongue through my tears. We talk about how hard it has been for us to live in the same house together. I tell him how afraid I am for his future, his life, how sad I am watching him and how I have hit my bottom with that. He tells me how he is 24 and he needs to figure things out, how shitty he feels about himself, how he has absolutely nothing. I tell him he has life, that God has saved him too many times to count, he is not in prison, not in jail and to focus on that. He told me to lighten up on my husband (his step-dad) because he does a lot and he is a good man who is getting tired of it all. He sounded a little high, I tried to think otherwise. I am devastated, can't stop crying, my stomach is in knots, I am in deep mourning. I know this will pass, he is still breathing and maybe, just maybe, I will learn to have peace and he will get well...I will continue to pray for that along with all of you and your wounded children. Madison, she is an awesome counselor, full of love and wisdom with a tiny dash of excentrism thrown in. I am lucky to have her in my life for guidance and all of you. Barbara, he has not been checked for mental illness but I am almost positive he has ADHD and depression, possibly Cyclothymia, but again, he has to be ready on his terms. I called drug and alcohol today to find out if there is currently funding for someone on Prop. 36 in our county for in-patient rehab and in two weeks there will be. I advised my son of this so he would be aware. He stated he did not want rehab right now and said he was going to get his MediCal and try and get on Suboxone and get a little job. I again bit my tongue. Oh, and Syd, it all just didn't have my name on it. For today, I know I did the right thing for myself and hopefully for my son, but Lord does it hurt. Thanks for helping me get through you guys. Renee
UPDATE: Just a quick update from the post below. First, thank you all for commenting, it gave me strength throughout my day yesterday, and I must say you were all much "easier" on me than my counselor! Basically I went to counseling last night and she reiteriated that my son should leave my home, be homeless, and figure it all out on his own, without a licence, car, no shelter (we are not in the city, don't have a Mission type situation right now), no job, no skills. Wow, what a tough thing for me to do, toss him out into the cold, seems so cold hearted and is breaking my heart thinking about it. BUT, I feel as though I have hit my bottom with this situation? I am angry all the time, sad all the time, fighting with my husband all the time. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I am trying to keep up my exercise but am getting about 5 hours of sleep no matter what I do (that is with taking meds). I realized as I was posting the entry below that I would not be calling my son's PO or his drug counselor, I know better. My motives for doing it were pure of heart, to assist my son, not to rat him out, but it is his stuff, not mine. I think I will start attending open AA meetings as I believe I can find someone there that will be able to help me work the steps better than our local Alanon, which is about 6 people large and not sure anyone has really worked the steps. My hormones are all over the place, I am tired and feel like I am not going to handle any conversations or decisions in a very constructive way today. My counselor basically said I could keep doing what I am doing and probably become VERY ill and keep my son ill in the process, or I could let go. So much easier said than done with a child:( Thanks you guys for the support!
So it has been a bit of time since I last posted. Much has been happening, good and bad, such is life. I have relapsed! I know it isn't permanent but I yesterday in particular, I allowed myself to go completely insane with my codependency and it was almost ALL aimed at my son. As my post here!!
1. Must look for work and show me proof that he has done so.
2. Must attend mandatory "outside" drug classes for probation, not JUST FORGE the signature card like 95% of the people ordered to go are doing at the present time. He has two inside meetings that he has consistently attended for almost a year. We are to drive him, make sure he goes in, then pick him up after the meeting.
3. Do house chores assigned (this has always been a tough one).
So I know, it is his program, he must be the one to do it. BUT, if he is going to stay at my house and for me to support him financially and emotionally, he MUST attend the outside meetings for real, not just forge it. Yesterday, he managed to get one application done online, mow the front and back lawns, go to the gym and an AA meeting which I actually attended with him. He prefers the AA meetings as he does not run into all the people he knows at NA that still use and have drugs on site. I know that fact to be true, work in the system so it is what it is...broken.
I found myself getting caught up in circles with him yesterday while I was at work, trying to organize a meeting time for him (so I could give him a ride, we live out in the country, no public transport). It just kept changing, and I kept trying to hold my ground, then it all became blurred, was it a boundary or was I following my ego and trying to control out of fear? Wow how that line can be crossed just so easily! By the time I got home from work I was a complete controlling fool. I was angry and nothing anyone had done was good enough, the chores, the application, nothing. I had a plan to walk with my brother and that got foiled as I allowed it to. I took my son to the gym and tried to get a walk in with my brother, rushed home for a shower and dinner, picked my son up from the gym and we went to the AA meeting. I listened to the people speak with all my might, my son sat and yawned through the whole thing pretty much. No matter, I did take away some good things and felt honored to be with people that were working so hard at their sobriety.
Right before we got to the meeting my son informed me he had given his X-mas watch that we bought him to some guy for drugs on behalf of some girl he knew. Whatever! He wanted to take $50.00 out of the money he has saved for his probation fines to get the $130 watch back. He does recycling for us and makes a little chunk every month that goes towards his fines. I was hurt and proceeded to tell him so. It was the first tangible item I had bought him in years (other than clothes, cologne, essentials worth very little money). He was upset with himself for doing it and at first I contemplated helping him get it back. Then I thought maybe he should just figure this one out, lose the watch, experience the pain. Needless to say, I was pissed and continued to berate him the rest of the evening, not just over the watch, but anything I could. I am ashamed of myself today, but have a counseling appt. tonight and have called to see if my son could attend with me.
On a different note, many of you have had contact with your adult addicted kid's probation/parole officers. Do you think it is a good idea to contact my son's probation officer to advise her of the issues he and I are having at home and the fact that I think he needs rehab? I am not sure they even offer rehab for Prop. 36 in my county as it is small, conservative and there is NO State funding it appears? How about contacting his main probation drug and alcoholl counselor? My inner voice always says "stay out of it, his problem, not yours" when I think about doing this. But then I have read where others have done steps like these and wonder if it is productive. He would probably be livid and again, his problem.