December 29, 2009
I have to admit I am pretty nervous for my son. I am pretty sure he received that money from the school ($2,007) and is using it for a major binge. It concerns me as his usage has been down from what it once was as he is on probation, but he appears to not be caring about that at this point and I am concerned he will OD. That all being said, nothing I can do but pray to God to intervene and to bring a mentor into my son's life. So sad, having to deal with the drug and not being able to even see my son through that mask of chemicals. Brother is still MIA and we are scheduled to leave tomorrow. I am determined to feel better so been eating chicken soup, got a massage today and drinking juice, now off to bed. I pray I feel well tomorrow and get on the road to a bit of peace with my hubby.
Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer....night all.
December 28, 2009
I am a bit sad but mostly not too affected by all this which is a sign of progress. It is their journey, their lives to learn their lessons, I stayed out of the way tonight. We watched Intervention tonight on A&E (I never usually watch this, kind of upsetting). Anyways, it was a very sad show and it made me kind of sick to see how devastated the mother was and the fact that I could relate so well. It also made me kind of sick to see all the expensive rehab commercials during this show, come on people, let's not be so obvious with our capitalizaiton of saving the addicts for a pretty penny! Don't get me wrong, I am all for rehab, but am kind of tired of the comercialization of it all (I know I will probably take a little heat on this one).
At the end of the night we ended up watching a documentary on the making of the Beatles "Love" show in Vegas. It was just such a fantastic documentary to watch and if you have never seen the Love show in Vegas, it is SUPER and makes you kind of believe that all we need is love:)
We are leaving for our little place on the redwood coast this Wednesday night through Monday night. I am a bit apprehensive as I always am when leaving town with two active addicts in the family. We have secured a house sitter and are leaving regardless and I am determined to rest, read, laugh and just relax with my husband.
December 27, 2009
December 23, 2009
My son will be receiving money from the school check soon, if not today. I don't know what he will do with it. I just feel the time has come that I need to tell him he can not stay with me unless he seeks treatment. He won't seek treatment as we have discussed it recently and, surprise, he doesn't think he needs it or has a problem. He is worse off now with his denial than he was a year ago. I love him so very much, but I know deep in my heart that what I have been doing by providing him shelter is not helping him or me. I hope and pray I can find the strength to do what is needed and not do it in anger.
The holidays creep up on us. Even when I am living in the moment there is that added stress and presure during the holidays that just always seems to get to people, everyone around me. One day, I will just head to our little cabin in the mountains for X-mas and have a nice little time with my hubby, decorate a tree outside the cabin with popcorn and berries, have a nice fire and drink hot chocolate, play card games.....nice escape for a minute, sorry for the ramble:)
I know a lot of you are missing your children, just like me. Mine is here physically but really not Zach, such a shame. I know many of your kids are in rehab (thank God), others have just bolted and are doing their thing, some in jail (thank God). I have to believe that there is a reason that our kids are where they are this holiday season and in the place they are, it is a part of their journey in life to be doing what they are doing. I pray that this next year will bring our kids restored health and recovery, and to all us parents the exact same.
God Bless you guys and have a joyfilled holiday.
P.S. after I wrote this I received a call from my counselor, she is back from medical leave and ready to start seeing clients! I can't express how much I have missed her and her loving soul, she has been so helpful to me in the past three years. Merry Christmas to me, my counselor is well...hahahahahaha!
December 22, 2009
These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:
1. Give up any expectations about the outcome
2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.
3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.
4. Enforce boundaries consistently.
5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship
And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :
Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.
Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over.
Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.
Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.
I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.
Thanks Syd for your wisdom!
December 21, 2009
I am still sad that my son hasn't even come close to hitting his bottom and realize that much of that has to do with my actions of making things a bit to easy for him. It is so hard to turn your back on your kid when they are suffering so much, but I know it is the most loving thing to do for him. I have lately been watching my expectations unfold in my head and reminding myself that it not a healthy thing for me to be doing. He is an addict and addiction is so very powerful. He is an opiate addict which I believe to be the devil working at his hardest. My son may never seek help, may never get well, or he may. I can't wait to be happy in my life or wait to live my life until the ultimate outcome is known because that may never come. People get well and relapse after years, this is a one day at a time thing for him and for me. So today people, it is a good day and I hope it is a good day for all of you.
December 18, 2009
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!
December 16, 2009
I came home, after a really hard day at work. We had our work Christmas party and one of my co-workers is off this week and I have to cover her desk, and then helped set up the party for the staff. I get home and my husband decides to let go of some crap he has been building up because he doesn't communicate his feelings usually, so it builds up. He looks at me when I get home and starts telling me all the things my son didn't do while at home today. I kind of just lost it on both of them. I had to leave I was so upset. I cried my eyes out in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I finally went into the kitchen to eat something and the fridge is bare of the necessities. We haven't had time to even go to the store, well actually some people have had the time but whatever.
My son and I went round and round tonight, the good, the bad, the ugly. It was all over the place. He finally left but I am pretty sure he is up to no good and possibly dealing? Oh, he called about the financial aid check and is going up to get another one, so there is that, which I am staying the hell out of!
My brother left the other night and now he is completely on the crazy train. I don't understand bi-polar but he must have used meth the other day because he is just acting so fricking nuts I can't stand to be in the same area as him. I almost took him to town tonight but it is freezing and it was almost 11 pm, so decided to just talk to him about it and go to bed. Lord only knows what he will do in the middle of the night around here being in the frame of mind he is in tonight..wow is all I can say. I am sad, so sad about it all. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And, I am so very angry. Is that part of recovery at all, getting to the point where you are so angry you can't keep from spilling out your thoughts and feelings at the drop of a hat? I mean, is it like the first part, maybe a transition into the recovery part? I know, probably stupid questions, but I actually think I am losing it around all these people tonight.
Then, I come in to go to bed, and I decided to count the money in my wallet. I do this now just to be safe, but I usually don't leave my purse just laying around. Anyways, I have never, ever missed money out of my purse, ever...until tonight. I counted the money the other night and it was all there, tonight missing $20.o0. My son states he didn't do it and brother the same. I advised them I didn't know who did it, but I feel violated and it better never happen again, ever! I am so upset tonight. My son said he is moving out with all that damn grant money that will last him a minute. My brother is too crazy to figure out how to move out and we are still working on getting his SS and a payee in line. I miss my mom and my sister so much. My house is full of men and I simply can not relate to them right now.
Sorry everyone, I really did try to take care of myself tonight, but shit just kept getting in my way. Hmmm, I wonder if that is what it feels like for the addict when I get in their way?? Too angry to really care about that one tonight. If you have read this far, thanks for hearing me out and joining in briefly to my wonderful pity party.
December 14, 2009
December 12, 2009
December 11, 2009
I want to thank you all for your comments. I feel the strength of you pouring off my computer screen. Some of you have so many years of experience with this. I often get upset with our boys because we tell them something so they don't have to learn the hard way. And here I am, at times still resisting following examples of those that have been there and done it long before me.
I hope you all have a super fantastic weekend!
December 10, 2009
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!
December 9, 2009
December 6, 2009
I have had a hard couple of days. As noted in an earlier post, my son came back into our home on Thursday night. I advised him that he needed to have employment within three weeks and if he didn't, we would re-evaluate to see how much effort he had put into the job hunt and go from there. We have yet had the time to sit down all together (my husband, son and I) to discuss other boundaries. He is pretty aware of our rules and regulations, but a few things have changed. I did tell him that once he found a job, he would need to give us at minimum 40 percent of what he earns to put towards his fines so he can get off probation possibly earlier. I told him that in six months we would re-assess the living situation to see how things were going and that we still needed to sit down and discuss a few more things. That all went well...UNTIL about 20 minutes after that conversation of course.
He was watching some TV in his room when all of the sudden he comes into the kitchen and advises me that he might come home later with a black eye, out of no where mind you, while I am humming away doing the dishes. Anyways I bit just a little and asked him what he was talking about, and he mumbled something about a friend of his .....blah, blah, blah....I tuned out. He then went into his room and started riffling around in his drawers, agitated and all jacked up. I know this because our house is too small and not so sound proof. So instead of just heading off to the shower so as not to spill the blood from biting my tongue off, I proceeded to yell at him to stop slamming and shoving in the room. He started making kind of fun at me, bad move. I went off and basically told him I was sick of the drama, sick of the opiate use, sick of all that went with it. I grabbed his hamper full of clothes and a backpack and took it to the front porch. I advised him he need not bother to stay there as it obviously had never helped him in the past and it wasn't helping me or my husband by having him there. After a bit of an argument that I am sure you can all play out in your heads, I got real quiet. Too bad it took me 10 minutes of acting out my fear to do it, but better late than never I suppose. He came into the living room and apologized for being such an ass. He left shortly thereafter, I never asked him about what the looming "fight" was over. Didn't hear anymore from him last night.
This afternoon he stopped by with some new girl and advised me that he did not get into a fight. I didn't really respond and tried to be polite to the young lady he brought into our home at no notice. He showed her the house and was being very friendly, BUT he was obviously high, to me and my husband. I did not make a scene, he grabbed a few things and was in the living room trying to make small talk. I at one point had finally had enough and told him in a low tone that he was not to be in my house in that shape. He tried to change the subject for a minute and then he and the girl left, on nice terms. Not gonna see him tonight either.
I am sad tonight. I hate seeing him high. It is one thing to know he is probably out there getting high, but I can tune that out and let it go much easier than having to see him and deal with him when he is high. It is just so damn devastating.
Anyways, I got on with my day, shopped, watched a movie, ate a healthy dinner. My husband and I had a lovely time Friday night on our date, had a most excellent dinner, did a little shopping and then tried our luck at the little Indian Casino in the town nearby. I actually won and we walked out a bit over "even".
I read a couple of paragraphs out of a book I have and want to share them below. The book is great, but not for everyone. I take what speaks to me out of this particular book and leave the rest. If anyone is interested in the title let me know.
"Unconditional love means keeping your heart open at all times. To do so, you may need to let go of the expectations you have of other people, of wanting them to be anything other than what they are. It means letting go of any need for people to give you things, act in certain ways, or respond with love. Many wait for others to be warm and loving before they are."
"When you experience uncomfortable barriers or boundaries between yourself and others, it is a sign that you need to transmit more love to others and to yourself. You may not choose to live with them, be close to them or around them all the time, but they will still benefit from your broadcast of love. Some people try to put on a brave or strong front, acting in ways that say 'I will not be vulnerable or hurt'. Yet, that very act creates fear and pain, attracting even more negative action from people that then requires an even braver exterior."
I apologize for the length of the post. These two paragraphs are just the pages I turned to and they spoke to me tonight. I hope you all have a joy-filled week!
December 3, 2009
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!
The sea of green and yellow shouting out encouragement, excitement and hope. Dreams sought, some lost but for some the dream came true. The fierce battle to cross the line, get to the winning side where the music bellowed from the band. How often do you see a duck beat a beaver for a rose?
My girlfriend is a HUGE Oregon Ducks fan and she doesn't have cable, doesn't watch a lot of TV. She brought soup to us tonight so that she could use our TV to watch the Civil War between Oregon University (Mighty Ducks) and Oregon State (Beavers). It was a great game and a lot of fun...and the ducks beat the beavers for the rose...rose bowl that is!!
So now I am not feeling so strong again, the rollercoast of a day from being the mom of an addict and sister to dual diagnosis brother. I need to sit down with my husband and figure out what our boundaries are. I really dont' want either one of them living there, but so far have been unable to take the boundarie that far (at least on a permanent basis). I have put them both out on the street before, so it is not that, it is just so hard to do, especially a 2fer! I am taking my husband out tomorrow, it is our 16th anniversary of our first date, chinese food and we saw Mrs. Doubtfire in the theater, dating myself:) I am gonna try hard, please pray for us and for me to find the resolution that is best for me and my husband.
I so appreciate all your support. I haven't been posting lately much, now it seems like I can't stop!!
I brought my brother home last night, made sure he took his medicine and fed him. I explained the best I could to him that I would need to make sure he takes his bi-polar meds to stay with us until his SS and payee comes through. He was a bit spacey but agreed. We will see.
I feel strong today. Like I can make decisions and boundaries within what feels comfortable to me and my family. Some of my decisions may still be co-dependent behavior or bordering on such, but I still feel strength in setting limits on what makes me comfortable. It just seems as time goes by and with practice, the limit setting, boundaries and detachment all become easier each time. I know I won't always have days where I feel strong, but today, I do. Thanks Syd for your comment on my previous post, it really sunk in with me. To everyone else who left comments, I thank you for the support in a very weak moment for me. Have a joyfilled day everyone!
November 30, 2009
Yesterday was my son's 24th birthday. I took him shopping last Wednesday for clothing and we had a fabulous time together. He has been staying with some friends of his that are being supportive with limits. We took him to dinner last night and just had such a good time, he was so present, no nodding off or being irritable, just laughing, eating and enjoying ourselves. All involved commented how wonderful a time they had and how good it was to see him in this light. I savored the moment and will cherish the memory.
O.K., now for the otherside of the coin...I am in deep co-dependent illness mode and fighting hard to battle it off. My mind is racing about a bit and I am sad. It is my brother this time...I know, his life, not my business. Here is the latest:
My husband and I have allowed my dual diagnosed brother to live with us since 10/15/09. From that date up to this past Monday, he has been taking his meds, no drugs, gone to the dentist, psychiatrist, checked in with his parole officer on a regular basis, helped us with anything we ask, etc. Now mind you, this is a person who has never been able to make it off of parole due to doing meth to medicate his bi-polar situation. Now I know he is also addicted, but his psychiatrist explained to me they often consider a form of self-medicating as the meth mellows those with bi-ploar mania believe it or not.
Anyways, he is working on getting his social security back and we have allowed him to stay with us and are working with him to get his money and a payee situated. This past Monday he seemed odd. He has been taking massive amounts of antibotics for a tooth and boil infection. So we thought maybe he was just feeling really ill. But last night when I went home from work to get ready for my son's dinner, he was just being VERY ODD! So I kind of got pissy (shouldn't have done that but oh well). He went outside and I just figured maybe he hadn't been taking his bi-polar meds? We went to leave and he was gone. We went to dinner, had a great time, came home and I did my nightly routine. I finally went to be but have to admit I was in the worry mode. He stopped by my husband's work today and he brought him home, he is still not right. I am stepping back for right now, don't want to REACT, just give myself a bit of time and see what he does. I am planning on telling him that I need to see him take his meds each night for him to stay with us, not sure if that is the right thing to do? He was living under the bridge in our town and I would bring him food, it just killed me to do that. Now I am rambling, see what I mean about those racing thoughts! At least my relationship with my son is better right now. We are going to the gym together after work to get in some exercise and I have a massage tonight too, so I am taking care of myself, just need to take care of my mind!
November 25, 2009
I sometimes have trouble putting my thoughts in writing. Maybe it is because I have become somewhat disconnected with myself? I decided to write this even if it doesn't come off eloquently and hopeful it will make some sense.
I am so angry, at first I thought "at" my son, but now I just think it is pure stress. I thought maybe it originated from fear, all the anger that I act out towards my boy, but now I think I am just fed up with it all. Maybe I should get out of my head and quit trying to figure out why I am so short and mean to him and get out of my own head for a bit? I don't want to become bitter, but afraid it is happening. The way I relate to my son is not healthy for me or him. I can't seem to bite my tongue enough (I wouldn't have a tongue)! I love my son so much and I see the desperation in him, but I am finding myself being angered by his desperation? I am just so sick of dealing with it, looking at it, being around it, his addiction. I feel like such a shit of a mother right now but I am exhausted from the battle, his battle, not mine. I fight it much more than he has and I know that isn't going to get him well. He was gone for over a month living with friends, etc. My brother has been staying with us, doing very well and we are trynig to assist him in getting his finances straight so he can get a payee and find a place to live. My brother is clean and helpful, is cooperative and taking his medications. He is a pleasure to be around. My son on the other hand still acts entitled, spoiled and disrespectful most times. There are times when he is very much a part of the family but it is few and far between. He now is struggling to find housing and I allowed him to sleep on our couch for a few nights. He says he has nowhere to go but he stayed at a friend's house last night.
I guess the true problem is my idea of abandonment. I felt abandoned emotionally by both parents and physically by another. I feel like I am abandoning my son, even though he will be 24 in a week. I know, I know, I know, but I guess I still haven't done my own work yet. I just bought two 12 step books on co-dependency from Amazon so I should have those soon, as long as I read them and not let them collect dust. I miss my counselor, she will not be practicing until January and the alternate counselor I didn't connect with at all. I need to go to some meetings out of town, which also makes me angry. Kind of dumb because it would be doing something for me, but also a pain to have to drive 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week at night after work so I can get better, meanwhile he sits and does what he does.
Sorry everyone, this has been building for awhile and bottom line is I am becoming an angry bitter person, espceially with my own son.
On a lighter note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families. I am grateful for the following:
1. My loving supportive husband
2. My brother being clean, sober and working towards a better future
3. My son being alive
4. My blogger support
5. My Christmas decor is up and really pretty
6. Shopping online for Christmas
7. Electricity and food, housing and all that goes with that
8. Having employment that pays well and is steady
9. Being open minded
10. Pumpkin Pie with whipped cream.
November 23, 2009
November 20, 2009
These following people definitely deserve to be thanked for their loyalty.
Thank you all for being so comforting to me and being my buddy system through this crappy ride we are on!
November 19, 2009
November 17, 2009
November 13, 2009
November 8, 2009
November 5, 2009
November 4, 2009
November 3, 2009
October 29, 2009
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less, and then report to the G-man!!
October 28, 2009
BTW, I don't see spell check when I go to post anymore??
October 25, 2009
October 23, 2009
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!
October 21, 2009
October 20, 2009
October 18, 2009
Well here is the second installment on my story. Again, not sure what the length of this post will be but apologize for any rambling that may occur.
My son and I lived alone in our new little house that I helped build for several years. He was six when we moved in and his father started stalking me about that time. I was always torn, felt like his father should be there for him, even though he had told me if he couldn't have me, he didn't want his son in his life either. Just the thought of that makes me ill to this day. So basically for two solid years my ex would make calls to my house, leaving messages calling me awful names, telling me he had AIDS and that would mean I did also, etc. He would drive by my house and follow my movements in town...for two years. Meanwhile, he showed little love for our son who was still wearing the brace for his hip problem and struggling with all the adjustments; me working, school, his father not giving a shit, living in a new house alone with me, etc.
About this time, I got a job as a legal secretary and needed daycare. My mom usually watched my son but she had gone back to working also and was not able to do it. I turned to his other grandparents on the paternal side. This was a HUGE mistake but I had no crystal ball to foresee that. His grandfather got him involved in sports and took him to all his practices, etc. He was a pretty solid influence, but the grandmother and his father were not. His grandmother over the years would do his homework for him without my knowledge. She would pack him enough lunch for two people, enough to where the teacher called me to tell her to stop it. I spoke with her about it but she ignored it, so I started making his lunch, but she still sent one with him also. They spoke very evil of me to my son, which of course I thought there would be some of that, but not the degree I would find out about years later after the damage had been done. I tried very hard to never say negative things about my ex to my son, taking the high road I thought.
I met my husband when my son was around eight. He was a single father and owned a local business. He was loving, supportive, nurturing, all the things I was so unfamiliar with in my previous relationships with men. I actually resisted him at first, finding it all too "boring". I am so glad I hung in there, don't know what I would do without that man in my life, he was a pure Godsend. We were married five years after meeting and finally moved in together then. Our boys were close in age, mine being three years younger than my step-son. They got along pretty well and to this day stay very close.
When my son was about 13 years old is when the trouble really started. I suspected that he was having some problems as his grades were faltering and his general energy level was just different. I suspected he was smoking pot along with my step-son. I made them both go to some drug and alcohol meetings and we drug tested them on a regular basis. They did pretty well for a bit of time. My son got into trouble at age 15 for selling pot and having opiates on him at school (his grandma gave him vicoden for headaches). He received three year's probation and was put in a special school for 6 months that dealt with drug issues, etc. Around the age of 17 my son was drinking heavily and had left my home for his grandparents/father's house. His father still lived at home with his parents, never lived on his own. After a short while, my son was working and paying rent for an apartment that we owned for about 9 months, but still drinking very heavily. He passed his probation and moved to another town about 40 minutes away with friends. This is when his usage became severe. He started using Oxy, steroids, coke, etc. His father and grandparents enabled him. He ended up getting two DUI's and to this day still owes fines on this and does not have a license.
He moved back to town around the age of 20. He lived with his Dad and grandma (grandpa had moved out). They were both getting MANY prescription pain pills and allowing him to sell some of them so they could have extra money. Of course I had no idea any of this was going on at the time, no clue. His grandmother overdosed in April of 06 and his father followed one month to the day in May. My son was living at the house with them, had found his grandmother and his father. He also lost his dog about the same time. I would go over to that house (his grandfather let him live there after the deaths) and he would be so high that I couldn't even get him awake sometimes. He has driven himself or someone taken him to the hospital at least 5 times that I know of and given charcoal. I have watched this on at least 4 of the 5 times. No mother should ever have to experience that kind of scene, so painful and you feel so useless.
This all went on for awhile as I had my head in the sand a bit, didn't know what to do so just pretended it wasn't happening, it was just too painful. My husband and I took my son to our doctor and got all the meds to detox him, took time off from work and took him out of town. This didn't work. Sent him to Rehab but he relapsed as soon as he got to town. He lived with his grandfather after rehab for a bit, but stole some checks from him. His grandfather turned him in to the police and he ran to the Bay Area. Shortly after he came back to town and couch surfed for a few months. When I did see him or hear from him, he was always just loaded.
During this time my mom had become ill. I had always been afraid of my mom's death, probably because she was an "older"mom while I was growing up. She ended up moving in with my husband and I in 2006 and lived with us for a couple of years until her death in November 07. My mom was the backbone of our extended family. She had stopped drinking many years before and was a very loving person. She had a great bond with the Lord and her faith in God was so strong it was amazing to see. When she passed it devastated me and the rest of the family. Within six months my sister was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer and after moving her back here from Washington with her husband, she passed in February 09. My son stole some of her morphine from her house about 2 weeks before she died. I prayed to God for an intervention for him as I knew he was going to kill himself. Ten minutes after my prayer I received a call from an officer that he had been arrested. Power of prayer...answered in many forms.
My son was released in May of 09. My brother was also released at the same time. My son came home to live with us and is still doing so. My brother has had our assistance also. My son's behavior has been much improved from three years ago, BUT I know he is not really working a program. Sure, he passes his probation drug tests because he brings in some product that makes that happen. As of late, I have tried to set boundaries but having trouble following through at times. It is frustrating and makes me feel weak, but I am still learning and have come a long way. I know I have a ways to go to find my peace in this life. This blog has been a huge help to me and all the bloggers who read my blog and comment. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to grow, giving me support and just helping me feel stronger when I need it. I hope you all have a better feel for who I am and what I am about. Also a feel for my son and his story. We all have a story and as important as it is to tell it, it is also important not to stay stuck in it. I hope with each day I get closer to getting off the hamster wheel of co-dependency.
October 16, 2009
I was raised in pure chaos. A life long friend of mine once told me that my family reminded her of the Adams family on Acid. My mom had 6 kids, 5 with one husband and then me with my dad at the age of 42 (she must have had a little screw loose:) My father was an alcoholic as was my mom's previous husband. My mom was a binge drinker and there were many physical altercations between my mother and father when I was younger. My dad was full Canadian and came to the US and taught himself to speak English (too bad he stopped teaching me French at age 2). He was a Chef and he and my mother opened three successful restaurants at different times. Each time he would sell them somehow behind my mom's back, take the money to Reno, gamble it all and fly back to Montreal. This happened at least twice that I remember leaving my mother often with no car or money. We would then have to apply for welfare and my mother would find work in the restaurant industry. She often walked back and forth to work, but always found work and worked hard...when she wasn't on a binge. I remember wishing on falling stars when I was young, blowing three kisses and wishing my mom wouldn't drink that night and thought it worked. She didn't start drinking alcohol until the age of 38 when a doctor told her to sip wine for her stress. Wow, little did he know what that would lead to! She was the type of drinker that could go months without a drop and then go on a week binge with complete blackouts at the end of the night. Sometimes she would only go a couple of weeks in between, no steady pattern so nothing was even remotely predictable. She would often buy soda and chips, cookies, etc., and I always knew that was her payoff for us because she was gonna drink her bottle of Seagram's straight from the bottle with a water chaser until she passed out. She was a MEAN drunk, awful with the tongue. When she was sober she was the sweetest woman on earth, many referred to her as Mrs. Clause:)
My father was in and out of my life until the age of 15 when he was dying from cirrhosis of the liver. The doctor told him he would recover completely if he just wouldn't touch alcohol again. Dad was a beer drinker (case a day sometimes). You couldn't tell when he was drunk because he stayed that way all day. It was not a sloppy obvious drunk, just a regular guy who drank lots of beer to the outside eye. He chose to leave the hospital, get on a plane to Montreal and died two weeks later in his homeland. I remember crying very little, didn't even go to the hospital as I was by then dating a 21 year old drug addict. My mom and dad both tried calling the cops to stop my relationship with this older man child but to no avail. Back then if a girl was willing or they didn't catch you in the act, nothing they could do...sure wish it would have been different it would have saved me years of heartache.
Growing up with my half-siblings was a huge chaos fest. My oldest brother was 26 years older than I and then on down. I have 4 nieces and nephews that are at least 6-10 years older than me. My oldest brother died of alcohol at age 59. He was clean for at least 15 years, had a good job, lived on a river and fished daily (his passion). He relapsed, lost everything and died several years later after much struggle.
My second oldest brother died 4 days before he got out of prison for stealing a car when he was drunk (they said heart attack, but mom always swore he was offed). This about killed my mom and the entire family. His name was Larry and he was born with mental and physical disabilities. He was a sweet soul and very funny, but again an alcoholic.
My next brother, Joe, has used every drug and drink possibly known by mankind. I once saw him melt down Actifed and shoot it in his arm. He has been beaten almost to death, lived in and out of prison for years, had two strokes, homeless for years and is now in a shared living home that provides him assistance. He once stole all our living room furniture for heroin. He is doing better than he has in many years but at a huge cost to his health and mind. He did well for about 12 years raising his twin boys and other son until he relapsed.
My sister died in February of this year after being diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer only 6 months before. She also struggled with drug addiction and alcohol. She gave her son up for adoption to his paternal grandpa and his wife when he was 6 and never got over it. She has two girls that now each have a child but always had a strained relationship with them. She was often abused by men and drunk a lot of the time. She moved from California to Washington, met a nice man and married. She was on prescription pills (way too many including morphine) for fybromyalga when she was diagnosed. We threw a fund raiser and got her and her husband moved into a small house where we live in California. It was the worst death I have ever witnessed nor care to.
My last sibling, brother Dan, is the one I have brought up in my posts often. He has never lived on his own, is bipolar and that went undiagnosed for years. We all thought his actions (talking to himself or traffic, anger outbursts, sleeping jags, etc.) were from drugs. His preferred drug is Meth and I have been told by his psychiatrist that he uses that because it actually calms him and the disease for short periods. That is why they call it self-medicating sometimes. But he is truly an addict and is institutionalized from being thrown in prison for violating parole for using. That is what he has spent the majority of his time in prison for. Such a shame the mentally ill have to be shoved in prison when they aren't hurting anyone but themselves.
There was a lot of fighting and verbal abuse. I became the "fixer" of the family, calling in sick for my mom's work at age 10 when she was drunk, getting in the car with her driving drunk (and in wrong lane) thinking if I was with her she would be safe, always trying to make things go smooth so she wouldn't want to drink, etc. It was a lonely life for me at such a young age and I made a lot of fun of myself and made jokes to try and help me get through. I didn't have any self-esteem and still struggle with that to this day.
My mom enabled my other brothers (never the girls) so bad. Mom always taught us it was Christian to help others, even to the point of giving them the shirt off your back. She often took in stray friends that were on the streets, fed them, gave them shelter. I always admired her for the love she showed to everyone that came her way, but now see that sometimes she could have shown it less and in a different way.
I did drugs in my youth. I smoked pot from the age of 14 until I was 18 years old. I did Meth on a steady basis (daily almost) for two years, maybe three when I was in my early 20s. I had severe panic disorder and was agoraphobic. I had situational attacks in the stores, etc. I wouldn't go back to those stores out of panic. I became pretty much home bound and still using Meth!!! My ex (my son's dad) said we were going to stop using as he was supplying it all. I stopped, he didn't.
I started going to junior college and got my AA degree as a legal secretary so I could try and support my son. I built my own home, and neighborhood, through the CHIP program for lower income families and it was a nice little home. I finally was able to move out of my mom's home when I was 26 years old. I lived with her until then for financial reasons for both her and I. By then my son was 6 years old. At age 5, his father and I split up, or I guess I should say I kicked his father out. He was a full blown Meth user along with other drugs including opiates. He stalked me for over two years. I always felt that my son should have his father in his life (probably because mine wasn't around much). This was a mistake of a young girl who tried her best at the time and I forgive myself now for it, but it took a long time. My son had necrosis of the hip at age 4/5 and had to wear a brace that made him walk funny. All the kids teased him and I tried to protect him, even putting him in play therapy hoping that would help him. He overcame it and can walk fine and has no pain. Shriner's are a blessing on a side note!!
Please see Act II for a the rest of the story.
October 13, 2009
October 11, 2009
1. Grateful for all sunny days on the ocean;
2. Grateful for my loving husband and our wonderful relationship;
3. Grateful I have a job;
4. Grateful we have a couple of little places to getaway to when needed, and vacation time to do it with;
5. Grateful for the pain of the passing of my mother, sister, aunt and mother-in-law to show me how strong I can be and how precious life is;
6. Grateful for a reliable vehicle;
7. Grateful the water where I live tastes so great out the tap;
8. Grateful for the health that I do have;
9. Grateful for my family and friends;
10. Grateful for all my senses and the ability to stop and be aware of my surroundings; and
11. Last but not least, grateful for my blog friends who support me in ways only they can understand.
I hope you are all doing well, I will be trying to catch up on my blog readings as well as posting soon.
October 2, 2009
September 28, 2009
September 27, 2009
September 25, 2009
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!
September 23, 2009
September 22, 2009
Well, I guess when we don't spend time taking care of ourselves, we just get sick. I have been off work for two days, must go back tomorrow. Just feel so beat down so I guess I need to relax into it and work at getting well, in more ways than one. I haven't felt much like getting online and will have to catch up with the blogs once I am feeling better. Hope everyone is having a fantastic week.
September 19, 2009
September 17, 2009
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!
September 16, 2009
He got a ride from school today to a friends house. He called about 10:30 pm and said he had tried to call earlier for a ride (he no longer has a cell phone). He asked if I could bring clothes into town so he could just pick them up there for school tomorrow(we don't give him a key to our house and it is locked when we go to work). As I was on the phone with him asking him how his teacher liked his paper, and asking him which clothes he wanted, I happened upon the jeans he requested. They of course were in his hamper but not really dirty. Well, they actually were dirty because I felt something strange in the pocket and went to clean it out. Yep, that wonderful, beautiful, evil shiny piece of foil. I of course asked him about it like he would even go there truthfully with me. It so ruined the story about how his teacher liked his paper. I am so let down, even though I was pretty aware he has been using to some degree, I guess I just don't want to face it, plus he is so much better than he was at the height of his addiction. I know, I know, he is still using but I am just not ready. I hate foil, who would have thought such a handy thing would end up being on my top ten list of things I hate.
I am sad and feel a bit defeated tonight. It used to be worse for me, I used to set myself much more often. My expectations used to be so high I couldn't even meet them. I have learned to not really have any expectations but in the process, I do not allow myself to feel the hurt most times. I also don't allow myself to feel too excited about anything. I know that without going through the pain, I won't feel joy. I guess I am just tired of grieving and am not doing the work on my own recovery very well. Blah!