December 29, 2009

Sick

So I am supposed to be getting ready to leave after work tomorrow night to our house on the coast. I started feeling a bit sickly today, maybe a head cold. I have managed to ward off the illnesses running rampant in our office and around town, that is it appears until one day before I leave for a short vacation...imagine that!

I have to admit I am pretty nervous for my son. I am pretty sure he received that money from the school ($2,007) and is using it for a major binge. It concerns me as his usage has been down from what it once was as he is on probation, but he appears to not be caring about that at this point and I am concerned he will OD. That all being said, nothing I can do but pray to God to intervene and to bring a mentor into my son's life. So sad, having to deal with the drug and not being able to even see my son through that mask of chemicals. Brother is still MIA and we are scheduled to leave tomorrow. I am determined to feel better so been eating chicken soup, got a massage today and drinking juice, now off to bed. I pray I feel well tomorrow and get on the road to a bit of peace with my hubby.

Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer....night all.

December 28, 2009

All you need is Love

Tonight has been a bit random as I suppose my thoughts will be now. I came home from work and my brother is MIA. This usually makes me nervous about what state he will show up in as we are still trying to work with him to get his social security and a payee. He has been doing very well, but him disapearing usually is not a good sign. It rolled of my back tonight and I was a bit relieved to be home alone for a bit of time. My husband came home, we had dinner and were watching a little TV. My son came in to grab a few things, he seemed loaded. He mumbled a few words and left. My husband mentioned that he had heard from a friend that my son was arrested for drunk in public or something like that on Christmas night. I called him right after he left to inquire (probably shouldn't have). He wanted to know who told him, he was in a pissy mood and denied it but in such a way that I know he is lying of course. This rolled off my back!

I am a bit sad but mostly not too affected by all this which is a sign of progress. It is their journey, their lives to learn their lessons, I stayed out of the way tonight. We watched Intervention tonight on A&E (I never usually watch this, kind of upsetting). Anyways, it was a very sad show and it made me kind of sick to see how devastated the mother was and the fact that I could relate so well. It also made me kind of sick to see all the expensive rehab commercials during this show, come on people, let's not be so obvious with our capitalizaiton of saving the addicts for a pretty penny! Don't get me wrong, I am all for rehab, but am kind of tired of the comercialization of it all (I know I will probably take a little heat on this one).

At the end of the night we ended up watching a documentary on the making of the Beatles "Love" show in Vegas. It was just such a fantastic documentary to watch and if you have never seen the Love show in Vegas, it is SUPER and makes you kind of believe that all we need is love:)

We are leaving for our little place on the redwood coast this Wednesday night through Monday night. I am a bit apprehensive as I always am when leaving town with two active addicts in the family. We have secured a house sitter and are leaving regardless and I am determined to rest, read, laugh and just relax with my husband.

December 27, 2009

A happy holiday

We had a lovely holiday. We woke up late and made breakfast. My husband, brother and I ate a nice quiet breakfast and then my son and step-son showed up, along with my father-in-law, my neice and her little guy (almost two). We had wrapping flying every where and laughter. We had a lovely prime rib dinner and my son even helped wihtout me even asking! Towards the end of the day, we were watching a Christmas movie and I saw my son nodding a bit. I just prayed and gave it to God. Overall, the day was beautiful and I enjoyed my family. I was so happy to read about all my blogger friends' lovely holidays also. Now, just have to start clearing away the mess:)

December 23, 2009

Trying to live in the moment!

Well, my son Zach came back to our house one day after he left. He said it didn't work out, the girl he was going to rent a room from was "crazy", blah, blah, blah. This was yesterday and I told him on the phone I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come to the house and stay that night so he didn't. He came home last night, and I had made a decision prior to him arriving that I am going to wait until the holiday is over to have a meeting with him. I am going to try to just stay present and enjoy the holidays the best I can with my hubby and step-son, brother and father-in-law. I deserve it and so do they.

My son will be receiving money from the school check soon, if not today. I don't know what he will do with it. I just feel the time has come that I need to tell him he can not stay with me unless he seeks treatment. He won't seek treatment as we have discussed it recently and, surprise, he doesn't think he needs it or has a problem. He is worse off now with his denial than he was a year ago. I love him so very much, but I know deep in my heart that what I have been doing by providing him shelter is not helping him or me. I hope and pray I can find the strength to do what is needed and not do it in anger.

The holidays creep up on us. Even when I am living in the moment there is that added stress and presure during the holidays that just always seems to get to people, everyone around me. One day, I will just head to our little cabin in the mountains for X-mas and have a nice little time with my hubby, decorate a tree outside the cabin with popcorn and berries, have a nice fire and drink hot chocolate, play card games.....nice escape for a minute, sorry for the ramble:)

I know a lot of you are missing your children, just like me. Mine is here physically but really not Zach, such a shame. I know many of your kids are in rehab (thank God), others have just bolted and are doing their thing, some in jail (thank God). I have to believe that there is a reason that our kids are where they are this holiday season and in the place they are, it is a part of their journey in life to be doing what they are doing. I pray that this next year will bring our kids restored health and recovery, and to all us parents the exact same.

God Bless you guys and have a joyfilled holiday.

Renee

P.S. after I wrote this I received a call from my counselor, she is back from medical leave and ready to start seeing clients! I can't express how much I have missed her and her loving soul, she has been so helpful to me in the past three years. Merry Christmas to me, my counselor is well...hahahahahaha!

December 22, 2009

Great List from Syd!

Below is a list that Syd posted on his blog today. I loved it so and wanted to share it with anyone that might read my blog. Also, I will be posting an update later tonight I hope, more stuff with the little prince (Zach). Here is the list:

These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:

1. Give up any expectations about the outcome
2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.
3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.
4. Enforce boundaries consistently.
5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship

And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :
Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.
Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over.
Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.
Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.

I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.

Thanks Syd for your wisdom!

December 21, 2009

Check Saga update

Well, for those of you that read my post here, and here, you know I shredded the grant check for my son that I shouldn't have opened in the first place. He has contacted the financial aid office and they are reissuing another check (even though he dropped out of school). So he has decided that a recent friend needs a roomate and he packed up some of his stuff last night. He hasn't received the money yet ($2,007) but will shortly. I guess he thinks that will be enough to live on forever? He kind of joked that it was a one week trial because he knows that if he leaves the house for good, it is gonna be real hard if not impossible for him to come back. We kind of made light of it, but he is aware that I will more than likely not allow him back into the house. He had plans to pay off some fines and get his license back, time will tell what he does, not my business. He did offer to give me some money but he wasn't completely excited about that idea and I don't really need it, I would rather not have anything to do with that money after doing what I did with the check in the first place. I am tired from the holiday festivities going on and trying to work and take care of the house stuff. I am about ready for X-mas, only a few more things to wrap. Didn't get my cards done or baking this year, may try to bake this week, but doubt it.

I am still sad that my son hasn't even come close to hitting his bottom and realize that much of that has to do with my actions of making things a bit to easy for him. It is so hard to turn your back on your kid when they are suffering so much, but I know it is the most loving thing to do for him. I have lately been watching my expectations unfold in my head and reminding myself that it not a healthy thing for me to be doing. He is an addict and addiction is so very powerful. He is an opiate addict which I believe to be the devil working at his hardest. My son may never seek help, may never get well, or he may. I can't wait to be happy in my life or wait to live my life until the ultimate outcome is known because that may never come. People get well and relapse after years, this is a one day at a time thing for him and for me. So today people, it is a good day and I hope it is a good day for all of you.

Renee

December 18, 2009

Holiday Madness-FRIDAY FLASH 55

She scurried across the parking lot of the mall, checking her list of gifts she still needed to purchase. Items purchased now the packages would need to be wrapped, the cards sent, the yummies baked for the neighbors and friends, the food for the dinner bought and cooked. She forgot the meaning of Christmas though!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

December 16, 2009

You are Invited to a Pity Party!

I am so upset that this will probably be more of a rambling pity party post than anything constructive, so beware.

I came home, after a really hard day at work. We had our work Christmas party and one of my co-workers is off this week and I have to cover her desk, and then helped set up the party for the staff. I get home and my husband decides to let go of some crap he has been building up because he doesn't communicate his feelings usually, so it builds up. He looks at me when I get home and starts telling me all the things my son didn't do while at home today. I kind of just lost it on both of them. I had to leave I was so upset. I cried my eyes out in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I finally went into the kitchen to eat something and the fridge is bare of the necessities. We haven't had time to even go to the store, well actually some people have had the time but whatever.

My son and I went round and round tonight, the good, the bad, the ugly. It was all over the place. He finally left but I am pretty sure he is up to no good and possibly dealing? Oh, he called about the financial aid check and is going up to get another one, so there is that, which I am staying the hell out of!

My brother left the other night and now he is completely on the crazy train. I don't understand bi-polar but he must have used meth the other day because he is just acting so fricking nuts I can't stand to be in the same area as him. I almost took him to town tonight but it is freezing and it was almost 11 pm, so decided to just talk to him about it and go to bed. Lord only knows what he will do in the middle of the night around here being in the frame of mind he is in tonight..wow is all I can say. I am sad, so sad about it all. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And, I am so very angry. Is that part of recovery at all, getting to the point where you are so angry you can't keep from spilling out your thoughts and feelings at the drop of a hat? I mean, is it like the first part, maybe a transition into the recovery part? I know, probably stupid questions, but I actually think I am losing it around all these people tonight.

Then, I come in to go to bed, and I decided to count the money in my wallet. I do this now just to be safe, but I usually don't leave my purse just laying around. Anyways, I have never, ever missed money out of my purse, ever...until tonight. I counted the money the other night and it was all there, tonight missing $20.o0. My son states he didn't do it and brother the same. I advised them I didn't know who did it, but I feel violated and it better never happen again, ever! I am so upset tonight. My son said he is moving out with all that damn grant money that will last him a minute. My brother is too crazy to figure out how to move out and we are still working on getting his SS and a payee in line. I miss my mom and my sister so much. My house is full of men and I simply can not relate to them right now.

Sorry everyone, I really did try to take care of myself tonight, but shit just kept getting in my way. Hmmm, I wonder if that is what it feels like for the addict when I get in their way?? Too angry to really care about that one tonight. If you have read this far, thanks for hearing me out and joining in briefly to my wonderful pity party.

December 14, 2009

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade




Yesterday I decided to juice all of the lemons off of our little lemon tree. We had a bumper crop this year, I just didn't realize how many lemons we had. The picture above is only a very small portion of the lemons we had. We peeled them before juicing this year as the juice is less bitter. I froze over a dozen ice cube trays and probably a dozen gallon baggies of juice! I am going to make some homemade lemon tarts and pies for the neighbors for X-mas. I also am planning on making some strawberry lemonade this summer. We also made about three gallons of lemonade yesterday, some of which I gave away to my niece. My husband and brother helped me out with the lemons and we laughed as my husband said I would be bathing in lemon juice before it was over with!


Without going into a lot of detail, tonight I came home and my brother was gone, hanging with some friend and I am assuming the worst. My son called and I asked him if he could stay somewhere tonight so that my husband and I could have a night alone, which he obliged. Several years ago, I would have gone looking for my brother or been very upset wondering what was going to happen next, was he going to be walking the cold streets talking to traffic, using meth to quiet the voices? Now, I just stepped back and realized it is not up to me what happens next and it doesn't matter right now, the only thing that mattered was I needed a nice hot shower and my husband's company. So I guess when life hands you lemons, we can just make lemonade:)

December 12, 2009

I left Limbo Land



Thanks to all of you who have commented the past few days during my little co-dependent break down. I should NEVER have opened the check and should have just put return to sender, no forward given. I did not do that. I opened it, then stressed over what to do with it. It wasn't mine, I feel ashamed that I sunk back into my old behaviors. But, I made a decision today and right or wrong, stuck to it. I shredded the check. If another one comes, I will mark not at this address and send it back. My son is not truly living here. He comes and goes because he can't be in my home when he is actively high. I am not sure how to have a loving relationship with him when he is actively using, but I can't cut him compltely out of my life. So the reason for his coming and going. My boundaries over time seem to get more stern and held with conviction so I have faith that my path will go where it is supposed to as will his. Too bad it just isn't in my time or how I want it to be.


I know I may take heat for shredding the check but I just couldn't stand the thought of him spending school grant money to go on a major drug binge that could lead to his demise. I did what I did, it is done, I need to move forward now. A special thanks to Fractalmom for sticking with me on this and being a voice of experience, it helped me get out of Limbo Land, and yes, Limbo Land sucks!


Renee

December 11, 2009

Update

I still have the check. He came home for a minute last night to grab some of his things. He was high as a kite. I again expressed to him that I can not see him in that state. He never mentioned the check and neither did I. He left pretty quickly and I think he will be gone at minimum the full weekend. Something has gotta give. I have so much to do this weekend for the holidays. I must find time to read my 12 step books and other healing material. Part of me just wants to shred the damn check and pretend it never came.

I want to thank you all for your comments. I feel the strength of you pouring off my computer screen. Some of you have so many years of experience with this. I often get upset with our boys because we tell them something so they don't have to learn the hard way. And here I am, at times still resisting following examples of those that have been there and done it long before me.

I hope you all have a super fantastic weekend!

December 10, 2009

FRIDAY FLASH 55-HAPPY BIRTHDAY G-MAN!!

He is always there in cyberspace making you smile at your computer screen. He has a way of making you get out of your head and be artistic, with a challenge to do so each week in 55 words, nor more, no less. Happy Birthday G-Man, thanks for the inspiration and hope you feel better!



Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

December 9, 2009

I know already...but?


My son signed up for a junior college for his first time this fall semester. He also signed up for financial aid and attended school until about three weeks ago. When he came back home last Thursday, one of our discussions was his financial aid. He had received a notice in the mail indicating he was awarded financial aid and that after checking records they would send the check. I told him they may not after checking to see if he dropped, and that even if they did it would be wrong for him to cash it. We had a bit of a disagreement over this and then I let it drop.

Well, the check showed up in the mail today ($2,007). I was caught a bit off guard as I thought for sure the school would have checked his records and see he was not in compliance. He called tonight and said that if the check showed up to please tell him, and not hide it from him and send it back. He stated he wants to pay off all of his fines, get his driver's license back with the money. This is a grant, not loan money. I advised him on Thursday that I did not feel it was right that he only attend for about 1/2 semester and then take money that would basically either have to be paid back, or at minimum if he wanted to attend college again with aid he would be put on probation.

So, I already know the answer, and I am pretty sure I know that any comments to this post will match that answer. I guess i just need to see it in writing from other people. I feel like if I do give him the check (because it is HIS), then I want to tell him that he either puts the money to good use or he leaves. So that is probably bargaining, right? That is enough money for one heck of an overdose and it is also the principle of it that really bugs me. I didn't raise my child to take advantage of the system trying to assist him, of course I didn't think I raised him to be addicted to opiates either.

I feel like I have to tell him tomorrow the check is here but not sure what to do after that. I hate this, HATE it. My codependent self is rearing her ugly little head. I am so afraid of what he will do with that much money. I know I need to look that fear in the eye and move forward, I guess I am just wanting you all to tell me that or something.

December 6, 2009

Learning Unconditional Love


I have had a hard couple of days. As noted in an earlier post, my son came back into our home on Thursday night. I advised him that he needed to have employment within three weeks and if he didn't, we would re-evaluate to see how much effort he had put into the job hunt and go from there. We have yet had the time to sit down all together (my husband, son and I) to discuss other boundaries. He is pretty aware of our rules and regulations, but a few things have changed. I did tell him that once he found a job, he would need to give us at minimum 40 percent of what he earns to put towards his fines so he can get off probation possibly earlier. I told him that in six months we would re-assess the living situation to see how things were going and that we still needed to sit down and discuss a few more things. That all went well...UNTIL about 20 minutes after that conversation of course.

He was watching some TV in his room when all of the sudden he comes into the kitchen and advises me that he might come home later with a black eye, out of no where mind you, while I am humming away doing the dishes. Anyways I bit just a little and asked him what he was talking about, and he mumbled something about a friend of his .....blah, blah, blah....I tuned out. He then went into his room and started riffling around in his drawers, agitated and all jacked up. I know this because our house is too small and not so sound proof. So instead of just heading off to the shower so as not to spill the blood from biting my tongue off, I proceeded to yell at him to stop slamming and shoving in the room. He started making kind of fun at me, bad move. I went off and basically told him I was sick of the drama, sick of the opiate use, sick of all that went with it. I grabbed his hamper full of clothes and a backpack and took it to the front porch. I advised him he need not bother to stay there as it obviously had never helped him in the past and it wasn't helping me or my husband by having him there. After a bit of an argument that I am sure you can all play out in your heads, I got real quiet. Too bad it took me 10 minutes of acting out my fear to do it, but better late than never I suppose. He came into the living room and apologized for being such an ass. He left shortly thereafter, I never asked him about what the looming "fight" was over. Didn't hear anymore from him last night.

This afternoon he stopped by with some new girl and advised me that he did not get into a fight. I didn't really respond and tried to be polite to the young lady he brought into our home at no notice. He showed her the house and was being very friendly, BUT he was obviously high, to me and my husband. I did not make a scene, he grabbed a few things and was in the living room trying to make small talk. I at one point had finally had enough and told him in a low tone that he was not to be in my house in that shape. He tried to change the subject for a minute and then he and the girl left, on nice terms. Not gonna see him tonight either.

I am sad tonight. I hate seeing him high. It is one thing to know he is probably out there getting high, but I can tune that out and let it go much easier than having to see him and deal with him when he is high. It is just so damn devastating.

Anyways, I got on with my day, shopped, watched a movie, ate a healthy dinner. My husband and I had a lovely time Friday night on our date, had a most excellent dinner, did a little shopping and then tried our luck at the little Indian Casino in the town nearby. I actually won and we walked out a bit over "even".

I read a couple of paragraphs out of a book I have and want to share them below. The book is great, but not for everyone. I take what speaks to me out of this particular book and leave the rest. If anyone is interested in the title let me know.

"Unconditional love means keeping your heart open at all times. To do so, you may need to let go of the expectations you have of other people, of wanting them to be anything other than what they are. It means letting go of any need for people to give you things, act in certain ways, or respond with love. Many wait for others to be warm and loving before they are."

"When you experience uncomfortable barriers or boundaries between yourself and others, it is a sign that you need to transmit more love to others and to yourself. You may not choose to live with them, be close to them or around them all the time, but they will still benefit from your broadcast of love. Some people try to put on a brave or strong front, acting in ways that say 'I will not be vulnerable or hurt'. Yet, that very act creates fear and pain, attracting even more negative action from people that then requires an even braver exterior."

I apologize for the length of the post. These two paragraphs are just the pages I turned to and they spoke to me tonight. I hope you all have a joy-filled week!

Renee

December 3, 2009

Mighty Ducks--FLASH FRIDAY 55



Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

The sea of green and yellow shouting out encouragement, excitement and hope. Dreams sought, some lost but for some the dream came true. The fierce battle to cross the line, get to the winning side where the music bellowed from the band. How often do you see a duck beat a beaver for a rose?

My girlfriend is a HUGE Oregon Ducks fan and she doesn't have cable, doesn't watch a lot of TV. She brought soup to us tonight so that she could use our TV to watch the Civil War between Oregon University (Mighty Ducks) and Oregon State (Beavers). It was a great game and a lot of fun...and the ducks beat the beavers for the rose...rose bowl that is!!

When it Rains....

it poors! My son contacted my husband today to advise him that he needs to come back home for a time as there are now issues with the friends he was living with. No surprise really but sure didn't want to have to try and figure out my boundaries and what to do right yet (do we ever want to?)

So now I am not feeling so strong again, the rollercoast of a day from being the mom of an addict and sister to dual diagnosis brother. I need to sit down with my husband and figure out what our boundaries are. I really dont' want either one of them living there, but so far have been unable to take the boundarie that far (at least on a permanent basis). I have put them both out on the street before, so it is not that, it is just so hard to do, especially a 2fer! I am taking my husband out tomorrow, it is our 16th anniversary of our first date, chinese food and we saw Mrs. Doubtfire in the theater, dating myself:) I am gonna try hard, please pray for us and for me to find the resolution that is best for me and my husband.

I so appreciate all your support. I haven't been posting lately much, now it seems like I can't stop!!

Rebounding

I am feeling stronger today after my post from yesterday. I went with my son to the gym last night and we worked out together, it was so nice to get in some exercise, and with my son just made it all the sweeter.

I brought my brother home last night, made sure he took his medicine and fed him. I explained the best I could to him that I would need to make sure he takes his bi-polar meds to stay with us until his SS and payee comes through. He was a bit spacey but agreed. We will see.

I feel strong today. Like I can make decisions and boundaries within what feels comfortable to me and my family. Some of my decisions may still be co-dependent behavior or bordering on such, but I still feel strength in setting limits on what makes me comfortable. It just seems as time goes by and with practice, the limit setting, boundaries and detachment all become easier each time. I know I won't always have days where I feel strong, but today, I do. Thanks Syd for your comment on my previous post, it really sunk in with me. To everyone else who left comments, I thank you for the support in a very weak moment for me. Have a joyfilled day everyone!

November 30, 2009

Birthday Celebration



Yesterday was my son's 24th birthday. I took him shopping last Wednesday for clothing and we had a fabulous time together. He has been staying with some friends of his that are being supportive with limits. We took him to dinner last night and just had such a good time, he was so present, no nodding off or being irritable, just laughing, eating and enjoying ourselves. All involved commented how wonderful a time they had and how good it was to see him in this light. I savored the moment and will cherish the memory.

O.K., now for the otherside of the coin...I am in deep co-dependent illness mode and fighting hard to battle it off. My mind is racing about a bit and I am sad. It is my brother this time...I know, his life, not my business. Here is the latest:

My husband and I have allowed my dual diagnosed brother to live with us since 10/15/09. From that date up to this past Monday, he has been taking his meds, no drugs, gone to the dentist, psychiatrist, checked in with his parole officer on a regular basis, helped us with anything we ask, etc. Now mind you, this is a person who has never been able to make it off of parole due to doing meth to medicate his bi-polar situation. Now I know he is also addicted, but his psychiatrist explained to me they often consider a form of self-medicating as the meth mellows those with bi-ploar mania believe it or not.

Anyways, he is working on getting his social security back and we have allowed him to stay with us and are working with him to get his money and a payee situated. This past Monday he seemed odd. He has been taking massive amounts of antibotics for a tooth and boil infection. So we thought maybe he was just feeling really ill. But last night when I went home from work to get ready for my son's dinner, he was just being VERY ODD! So I kind of got pissy (shouldn't have done that but oh well). He went outside and I just figured maybe he hadn't been taking his bi-polar meds? We went to leave and he was gone. We went to dinner, had a great time, came home and I did my nightly routine. I finally went to be but have to admit I was in the worry mode. He stopped by my husband's work today and he brought him home, he is still not right. I am stepping back for right now, don't want to REACT, just give myself a bit of time and see what he does. I am planning on telling him that I need to see him take his meds each night for him to stay with us, not sure if that is the right thing to do? He was living under the bridge in our town and I would bring him food, it just killed me to do that. Now I am rambling, see what I mean about those racing thoughts! At least my relationship with my son is better right now. We are going to the gym together after work to get in some exercise and I have a massage tonight too, so I am taking care of myself, just need to take care of my mind!

November 25, 2009

Oh the Angst of it all!



I sometimes have trouble putting my thoughts in writing. Maybe it is because I have become somewhat disconnected with myself? I decided to write this even if it doesn't come off eloquently and hopeful it will make some sense.

I am so angry, at first I thought "at" my son, but now I just think it is pure stress. I thought maybe it originated from fear, all the anger that I act out towards my boy, but now I think I am just fed up with it all. Maybe I should get out of my head and quit trying to figure out why I am so short and mean to him and get out of my own head for a bit? I don't want to become bitter, but afraid it is happening. The way I relate to my son is not healthy for me or him. I can't seem to bite my tongue enough (I wouldn't have a tongue)! I love my son so much and I see the desperation in him, but I am finding myself being angered by his desperation? I am just so sick of dealing with it, looking at it, being around it, his addiction. I feel like such a shit of a mother right now but I am exhausted from the battle, his battle, not mine. I fight it much more than he has and I know that isn't going to get him well. He was gone for over a month living with friends, etc. My brother has been staying with us, doing very well and we are trynig to assist him in getting his finances straight so he can get a payee and find a place to live. My brother is clean and helpful, is cooperative and taking his medications. He is a pleasure to be around. My son on the other hand still acts entitled, spoiled and disrespectful most times. There are times when he is very much a part of the family but it is few and far between. He now is struggling to find housing and I allowed him to sleep on our couch for a few nights. He says he has nowhere to go but he stayed at a friend's house last night.

I guess the true problem is my idea of abandonment. I felt abandoned emotionally by both parents and physically by another. I feel like I am abandoning my son, even though he will be 24 in a week. I know, I know, I know, but I guess I still haven't done my own work yet. I just bought two 12 step books on co-dependency from Amazon so I should have those soon, as long as I read them and not let them collect dust. I miss my counselor, she will not be practicing until January and the alternate counselor I didn't connect with at all. I need to go to some meetings out of town, which also makes me angry. Kind of dumb because it would be doing something for me, but also a pain to have to drive 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week at night after work so I can get better, meanwhile he sits and does what he does.

Sorry everyone, this has been building for awhile and bottom line is I am becoming an angry bitter person, espceially with my own son.

On a lighter note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families. I am grateful for the following:

1. My loving supportive husband
2. My brother being clean, sober and working towards a better future
3. My son being alive
4. My blogger support
5. My Christmas decor is up and really pretty
6. Shopping online for Christmas
7. Electricity and food, housing and all that goes with that
8. Having employment that pays well and is steady
9. Being open minded
10. Pumpkin Pie with whipped cream.

Renee

November 23, 2009

Need help with Blog site question

How do you make a shelf for your blog awards? I have add a gadget but not sure what to add??? I know, you would think I could figure that out by now!

November 20, 2009

Dragon Loyalty Award!

Thank you to Chic Mama for the Dragon Loyalty Award!  This is my first blog award and I am proud of it.  I am a bit green on how this works but I am going to attempt to pass this baby on! 



These following people definitely deserve to be thanked for their loyalty.

1. Barbara
2. Cat
3. Madison
4. Lou
5. Annette

Thank you all for being so comforting to me and being my buddy system through this crappy ride we are on! 

Renee

November 19, 2009

Playing Hide and Seek with Fear--Friday Flash 55


She kids herself, thinking she has figured it out and has found the illusive thing hiding within her. That dark emotion that brings about so much pain.  She becomes confident and drops her guard as she tricks herself into believing she can finally see it.  But, fear continues to play hide and seek with her.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

Hope you all have a super weekend!

So much for the silence!

I am at work so I will try to keep this post short, but I have to get this off my chest.  My son met my husband at work this morning and he took him out to our house.  He is trying to get into the dentist along with my brother as they both have a rotten tooth.  Anyways, my husband had to go back into town for some stuff and when he returned home my son was sleeping (passed out).  My son had asked my brother to wake him as he had a college class at 9:30 am, brother tried to no avail.  I spoke with my husband and he informed me of all of this.  I told him to wake my son and tell him he needs to go into town, to school late or somewhere else.  My husband tried to wake him but as usual when he is high he is passed out, rude when awoken and just a complete ass.  So I spoke with my husband again a few minutes ago, the dentist got my brother in and will see my son tomorrow (my husband has a friend in the low-income dentist office who helped out with this).  I know probably enabling on the dentist thing but we believe both of them have ab absessed tooth.  I told my husband to wake my son again, tell him he has 1/2 hour to get ready and take him to town...period.  He has been staying with friends for the past 3 weeks and not living in our home.  He is slowly failing at college and still has no job or real efforts to find one (couple of days he put in good job hunts, out of three weeks).  I am fed up.  I am too angry to even deal with him right now.  I will say as little as possible and try to not sound too much like a bitch to him when I do talk to him.  But I can't live with him anymore. He always figures it out when he feels like it, so he will just have to figure it out.  I hate this so much, this bitter angry feeling.  At first you are just heartbroken (still am), but then that bitterness and anger set in and it is so hard for me to move through that part.  The real issue is he is not seeking any kind of treatment and the Drug classes he does attend are only because of probation.  This has been going on so long now, and I know it could go on for years or he could die from his opiate addiction.  I don't bother to ask why anymore and I am trying hard to give it to God.  My counselor is still off until January and I haven't been to a meeting in a while.  There isn't one in my area until Monday.  I hope I can keep myself in check that long.  UGH!!!

November 17, 2009

Alanon Question

I have a quick question regarding Alanon and the 12 steps.  Our small group in our small town do not have any type of meetings to do actual step work.  We pick a topic and go.  So, I am wondering how it works in other communites.  I mean, do I just read through the steps and work them on my own?  Any comments would be appreciated. 

Stark Raving Mad for the Holiday Season


So for the past two years I have not really celebrated the holidays, too much family illness and death.  Oh boy, am I suddenly making up for lost time.  I have already decorated my house, my office, have my tree up and working on the outside decorations for X-mas!  I can't stop myself and it feels good.  I am so happy to be happy about something.  Life has been quiet, my son is staying with friends and things have been quiet on that front. I even went to the gym last night and plan to go tonight (haven't been in over a year). I am excited to cook and make a beautiful table for Thanksgiving and I feel I have much to be thankful for.  But seriously, the Christmas Tree is up!!!!!   Just wanted to share something light-hearted for a change.

November 13, 2009

Helium Balloon-Friday Flash 55


Sadness building up, fear and desperation.  The doubting of self and others, no trust to be found.  Holding onto the ballons filled with each emotion with dear life, too afraid of what will happen if they disappear.  Finally, one day the discovery of letting go...releasing the balloons along with the illusion of any control.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-Man!

**Note, whenever we have lost someone in the past few years, we always write loving messages on balloons and release them all at once, watching them fly high above us until we can't see them.  It is a nice feeling of release and I think I am going to go out, get some balloons, find a pretty spot and release some balloons with messages to my son this weekend.  That was my inspiration for this 55. 

Have a great weekend everyone!!

November 8, 2009

Silent


Since the post where I mentioned the angry conversation with my son Zach (Post), I have not heard from him.  I know he is around and alive but still, the silence has been a bit rough.  I also feel relief and some peace with the silence, so a bit of both, sadness and fear and then the peace.  I kind of feel bad about how our last conversation went, especially the delivery of my communication with him full of anger.  I feel guilt for the relief of not having to deal with any of the drama, but then I remember that I have a life too.  I never thought I would be at this place with my son, where I feel relief to not hear from him, enjoying the silence...never in a million years would I have thought I could feel this way.  It is a shame that to help ourselves we come to feel this way at times.  Kind of rambling tonight because I am teetering with my feelings back and forth.  I pray my son is safe and that the Lord will provide a divine intervention for him, show him the way to restore his health.  To all the other parents out there who go to bed at night not having heard from their addicted child, wondering, afraid, crying, feeling some guilt for feeling a bit of peace, praying and letting go and giving to God...I am there with you. 

November 5, 2009

Past, Present, Future--Friday Flash 55


The trauma of the past came up often, memories like post-it notes stuck all over thoughts.  Often thinking of the future, what could be, should be, won't be.  Whirling thoughts shifting like the wind in the mind.  A child laughs, suddenly all is still, the post-it notes taken with the wind--it is the present.

I counted post-it as one word:)  Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-Man!

November 4, 2009

Pay or Appear---Oops!


So Zach had a court date this past Monday.  It was for a pay fine or appear.  He knew about the date because he had mentioned it to us a few times in the past month or so.  He didn't go.  I presume he forgot or just thought it was no big deal.  He has the money saved for the fine, just didn't show.  So, they revoked probation and issued a warrant.  Boy oh boy, today was he scrambling about.  He ran right down to the store to get a money order for the court, then called me to find out where to take it (I work at the court).  That is the only help I gave him, directed him to the right building.  He now needs to contact his attorney and put the case on calendar and go before the Judge.  It will be interesting to see how well he does in this whole process without any assistance.  Oh, and he did call me at work last minute today to see if I could take a break and give him a ride to College.  I told him no and that he could walk, which is what he proceeded to do.  Baby steps!

November 3, 2009

Full Moon Rising


For many years I have shared a dance with my son, the dance of anger and resentment.  He pushes my buttons, I react, he reacts and so on.  I had done quite a bit of work on this and was doing well to sit with my emotions, not react immediately, just be a "watcher" so to speak.  As of late, I am finding myself bitter, angry and resentful of my son and quite frankly, acting it out on him.  I can't seem to be very nice to him at all, and have been ripping into him without him saying a word to set me off.  Today he asked for a ride home during my lunch hour so he could get some homework done.  I did so, with much traffic interruptions and me rushing along like a maniac.  When I came home from work he wanted a ride back into town to go bowling with some friends (non-addicts).  He had called me at work to ask first and I told him I would.  I found out he didn't do any of the homework that is due (mind you, it is HIS homework). I started in on him letting him know how sick of it all I was.  How he needs to grow up or get out.  How he needs to blah, blah, blah and some more blah!  I told him how we didn't have a real realtionship, it was based on his needing me to do things for him, nothing else.  How I was tired of being used and ready to live my life a bit more for myself.  On and on I went, the whole drive of 15 minutes to the bowling alley.  He has not been staying at home this past week, couch surfing I presume.  To make this shorter, I felt my words to some degree were my honest feelings, but some were just hurtful and my delivery was full of Anger!  I am not really beating myself up but feeling like that is not the best way to "support" my son who I want to get well.  I am becoming the bitter co-dependent and can't seem to help myself lately.  I also have gained over 30 pounds in the last two years, food is my addiction.  I need to be more honest with myself about how I have been using food to stave off my emotions, or avoid feeling at all.  I know the things I need to do but can't seem to muster the strength or motivation to do them.  So who am I to talk to my addict son about just getting better and stopping his drug abuse, when I am abusing food?  I mean, we have to eat to live, don't have to do drugs to live, but come on, over 30 pounds of emotional eating and no exercise.  That is not healthy living either.  So maybe I am beating myself up at bit....the moon is full and I feel like howling.

October 29, 2009

Stumbling in the Dark--Friday Flash 55


She tried not to make a sound after hearing the crash.  Slowly she made her way in the dark out of the bedroom towards the kitchen.  Unable to breathe she quickly moved around the corner of the kitchen doorway and turned on the light.  There he was, her husband, eating all of the Halloween candy!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less, and then report to the G-man!!

October 28, 2009

The Calm Before The Storm


You know that feeling, when your addicted adult child has been off running around, not really checking in, kind of MIA but you know they are around.  Well that has been this past week and a half for me.  My step-son is in town and leaving tomorrow and my son has been hanging with him at their friends' houses (I use the term friend loosley here).  Anyways, I am pretty sure my son hasn't attended his college courses for the past two weeks as he was sick last week, and pretty sure he hasn't gone this week.  He was excused from his probation drug classes last week, but not this week and he had a probation meeting he was supposed to go to today.  I have no idea if he has done any of the things he is supposed to do and made no effort to call and remind him or take any action.  As a matter of fact it has been pretty peaceful at my home and to be honest I really don't want him to come home.  I know he will be popping in tonight and if not, tomorrow for sure.  I am just dreading it and feeling bad that I am put in the position to have to feel that way.  I am getting pretty worn down with all the addiction drama, really.  I am making no plan right now and am just going to try and stay present and let whatever is going to happen come about.  I just feel a storm brewing though....

BTW, I don't see spell check when I go to post anymore??

October 25, 2009

Taste of my own medicine



Well today I got a taste of my own medicine.  I have a niece that I am very close to, pretty much was a surrogate mom to her growing up.  She is older now and has a son that is almost two.  He is the only little one around at the moment and we love him.  To make a long story shorter, my niece moved about 15 minutes from our town.  I work daily and as of late been pretty busy, and when I am not, I have been depressed and just wanting to hide away. 


I offered to watch my little great nephew yesterday, but that fell through on my niece's end so I told her last night that I would come and get them, take them to the pumpkin patch and maybe we could carve pumpkins.  My niece's car isn't working right now and she is certainly struggling financially.  I woke up not feeling well today and called her to cancel.  She started going off on me, telling me she feels like she doesn't have any family, we never go see her, we never watch the boy, I am always sick, etc.  I stood my ground and told her the road works both ways.  Basically, she had some pretty high expectations of me right now, not even considering what the rest of my life on a daily basis looks like. 


I stewed over it for a bit and tried to just let it go.  I realized that I do this same type of thing, expectation placing, on my son and others that I love, including myself.  Expectations that are not even remotely reasonable for the person I place them on, again including myself.


I called her back late today and offered to watch him next Saturday as I really wanted to, not because she expected me to.  I really had to put some thought into this one and boy do I have some work to keep doing on the expectation rollercoaster!  Maybe because I was on the receiving end in the past couple of days (had an experience with my boss also on Friday), I will look at it differently the next time I start to place them on others.  It felt crappy having someone expecting something of me that was just not reasonable today and on Friday with the boss.  Good lesson.

October 23, 2009

Do you know what I mean...Friday Flash 55


The room smelled of lavender and the lights were low.  She gave an example and followed with "do you know what I mean?"  I nodded that I did know what she meant.  The next visit there was another example again followed by "do you know what I mean?"  She didn't ask if I could see.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

October 21, 2009

The meaness of it all

Tonight my son called me. He left yesterday from the house when I was at work and didn't come home last night or today. When he called tonight he sounded loaded (slow speech, heavy voice, some slight slurring, etc). I told him he sounded high and that I didn't want him at the house. He said he was just tired and still sick and I repeated myself. He said he didn't have a place to stay and he was sick. I told him again he could not come to my house in that shape and said goodbye. I know I sounded mean and mad but I just felt like taking care of myself tonight, didn't want to watch him or hear his voice be loaded. I know it was the right thing to do for me, but it still feels so heartless and mean as a mother.

October 20, 2009

Stuck

Feeling a bit stuck right now. Just numb to it all really. Not really working my own program or taking good care of myself physically. Overeating to numb my feelings of frustration, anger and sadness. Keeping my mouth shut and biting my tongue so much that resentment is building. My son is sick, they think swine flu. He is starting to feel better and has been staying at our house. Last night I snapped at him for going to the kitchen to get something to eat for Pete's sake. I have been letting go, just not with love, that is for sure. I have no interest in anything and am actually at work doing this right now. Can't focus and basically all I want to do is take my husband and run away. Go travel (can't right now due to work) or just simply go have fun, get our house back which I haven't built up the strength to do either. I just feel so lazy and I know it is probably depression. I know, don't beat myself up, but I need some motivation to pull me out of this place I am stuck in right now? I used to have goals, be energetic, ate well and had a physical activity schedule. I went to Weight Watchers, had friends, etc. I just feel lost, like who the heck am I? I am just writing now, letting the fingers do the walking so to speak. I apologize for the nonsensical ramblings. This is my place to get things out and so that is what this is.



October 18, 2009

Act II




Well here is the second installment on my story. Again, not sure what the length of this post will be but apologize for any rambling that may occur.

My son and I lived alone in our new little house that I helped build for several years. He was six when we moved in and his father started stalking me about that time. I was always torn, felt like his father should be there for him, even though he had told me if he couldn't have me, he didn't want his son in his life either. Just the thought of that makes me ill to this day. So basically for two solid years my ex would make calls to my house, leaving messages calling me awful names, telling me he had AIDS and that would mean I did also, etc. He would drive by my house and follow my movements in town...for two years. Meanwhile, he showed little love for our son who was still wearing the brace for his hip problem and struggling with all the adjustments; me working, school, his father not giving a shit, living in a new house alone with me, etc.

About this time, I got a job as a legal secretary and needed daycare. My mom usually watched my son but she had gone back to working also and was not able to do it. I turned to his other grandparents on the paternal side. This was a HUGE mistake but I had no crystal ball to foresee that. His grandfather got him involved in sports and took him to all his practices, etc. He was a pretty solid influence, but the grandmother and his father were not. His grandmother over the years would do his homework for him without my knowledge. She would pack him enough lunch for two people, enough to where the teacher called me to tell her to stop it. I spoke with her about it but she ignored it, so I started making his lunch, but she still sent one with him also. They spoke very evil of me to my son, which of course I thought there would be some of that, but not the degree I would find out about years later after the damage had been done. I tried very hard to never say negative things about my ex to my son, taking the high road I thought.

I met my husband when my son was around eight. He was a single father and owned a local business. He was loving, supportive, nurturing, all the things I was so unfamiliar with in my previous relationships with men. I actually resisted him at first, finding it all too "boring". I am so glad I hung in there, don't know what I would do without that man in my life, he was a pure Godsend. We were married five years after meeting and finally moved in together then. Our boys were close in age, mine being three years younger than my step-son. They got along pretty well and to this day stay very close.

When my son was about 13 years old is when the trouble really started. I suspected that he was having some problems as his grades were faltering and his general energy level was just different. I suspected he was smoking pot along with my step-son. I made them both go to some drug and alcohol meetings and we drug tested them on a regular basis. They did pretty well for a bit of time. My son got into trouble at age 15 for selling pot and having opiates on him at school (his grandma gave him vicoden for headaches). He received three year's probation and was put in a special school for 6 months that dealt with drug issues, etc. Around the age of 17 my son was drinking heavily and had left my home for his grandparents/father's house. His father still lived at home with his parents, never lived on his own. After a short while, my son was working and paying rent for an apartment that we owned for about 9 months, but still drinking very heavily. He passed his probation and moved to another town about 40 minutes away with friends. This is when his usage became severe. He started using Oxy, steroids, coke, etc. His father and grandparents enabled him. He ended up getting two DUI's and to this day still owes fines on this and does not have a license.

He moved back to town around the age of 20. He lived with his Dad and grandma (grandpa had moved out). They were both getting MANY prescription pain pills and allowing him to sell some of them so they could have extra money. Of course I had no idea any of this was going on at the time, no clue. His grandmother overdosed in April of 06 and his father followed one month to the day in May. My son was living at the house with them, had found his grandmother and his father. He also lost his dog about the same time. I would go over to that house (his grandfather let him live there after the deaths) and he would be so high that I couldn't even get him awake sometimes. He has driven himself or someone taken him to the hospital at least 5 times that I know of and given charcoal. I have watched this on at least 4 of the 5 times. No mother should ever have to experience that kind of scene, so painful and you feel so useless.

This all went on for awhile as I had my head in the sand a bit, didn't know what to do so just pretended it wasn't happening, it was just too painful. My husband and I took my son to our doctor and got all the meds to detox him, took time off from work and took him out of town. This didn't work. Sent him to Rehab but he relapsed as soon as he got to town. He lived with his grandfather after rehab for a bit, but stole some checks from him. His grandfather turned him in to the police and he ran to the Bay Area. Shortly after he came back to town and couch surfed for a few months. When I did see him or hear from him, he was always just loaded.

During this time my mom had become ill. I had always been afraid of my mom's death, probably because she was an "older"mom while I was growing up. She ended up moving in with my husband and I in 2006 and lived with us for a couple of years until her death in November 07. My mom was the backbone of our extended family. She had stopped drinking many years before and was a very loving person. She had a great bond with the Lord and her faith in God was so strong it was amazing to see. When she passed it devastated me and the rest of the family. Within six months my sister was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer and after moving her back here from Washington with her husband, she passed in February 09. My son stole some of her morphine from her house about 2 weeks before she died. I prayed to God for an intervention for him as I knew he was going to kill himself. Ten minutes after my prayer I received a call from an officer that he had been arrested. Power of prayer...answered in many forms.

My son was released in May of 09. My brother was also released at the same time. My son came home to live with us and is still doing so. My brother has had our assistance also. My son's behavior has been much improved from three years ago, BUT I know he is not really working a program. Sure, he passes his probation drug tests because he brings in some product that makes that happen. As of late, I have tried to set boundaries but having trouble following through at times. It is frustrating and makes me feel weak, but I am still learning and have come a long way. I know I have a ways to go to find my peace in this life. This blog has been a huge help to me and all the bloggers who read my blog and comment. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to grow, giving me support and just helping me feel stronger when I need it. I hope you all have a better feel for who I am and what I am about. Also a feel for my son and his story. We all have a story and as important as it is to tell it, it is also important not to stay stuck in it. I hope with each day I get closer to getting off the hamster wheel of co-dependency.

Renee

October 16, 2009

Act I



I was raised in pure chaos. A life long friend of mine once told me that my family reminded her of the Adams family on Acid. My mom had 6 kids, 5 with one husband and then me with my dad at the age of 42 (she must have had a little screw loose:) My father was an alcoholic as was my mom's previous husband. My mom was a binge drinker and there were many physical altercations between my mother and father when I was younger. My dad was full Canadian and came to the US and taught himself to speak English (too bad he stopped teaching me French at age 2). He was a Chef and he and my mother opened three successful restaurants at different times. Each time he would sell them somehow behind my mom's back, take the money to Reno, gamble it all and fly back to Montreal. This happened at least twice that I remember leaving my mother often with no car or money. We would then have to apply for welfare and my mother would find work in the restaurant industry. She often walked back and forth to work, but always found work and worked hard...when she wasn't on a binge. I remember wishing on falling stars when I was young, blowing three kisses and wishing my mom wouldn't drink that night and thought it worked. She didn't start drinking alcohol until the age of 38 when a doctor told her to sip wine for her stress. Wow, little did he know what that would lead to! She was the type of drinker that could go months without a drop and then go on a week binge with complete blackouts at the end of the night. Sometimes she would only go a couple of weeks in between, no steady pattern so nothing was even remotely predictable. She would often buy soda and chips, cookies, etc., and I always knew that was her payoff for us because she was gonna drink her bottle of Seagram's straight from the bottle with a water chaser until she passed out. She was a MEAN drunk, awful with the tongue. When she was sober she was the sweetest woman on earth, many referred to her as Mrs. Clause:)

My father was in and out of my life until the age of 15 when he was dying from cirrhosis of the liver. The doctor told him he would recover completely if he just wouldn't touch alcohol again. Dad was a beer drinker (case a day sometimes). You couldn't tell when he was drunk because he stayed that way all day. It was not a sloppy obvious drunk, just a regular guy who drank lots of beer to the outside eye. He chose to leave the hospital, get on a plane to Montreal and died two weeks later in his homeland. I remember crying very little, didn't even go to the hospital as I was by then dating a 21 year old drug addict. My mom and dad both tried calling the cops to stop my relationship with this older man child but to no avail. Back then if a girl was willing or they didn't catch you in the act, nothing they could do...sure wish it would have been different it would have saved me years of heartache.

Growing up with my half-siblings was a huge chaos fest. My oldest brother was 26 years older than I and then on down. I have 4 nieces and nephews that are at least 6-10 years older than me. My oldest brother died of alcohol at age 59. He was clean for at least 15 years, had a good job, lived on a river and fished daily (his passion). He relapsed, lost everything and died several years later after much struggle.

My second oldest brother died 4 days before he got out of prison for stealing a car when he was drunk (they said heart attack, but mom always swore he was offed). This about killed my mom and the entire family. His name was Larry and he was born with mental and physical disabilities. He was a sweet soul and very funny, but again an alcoholic.

My next brother, Joe, has used every drug and drink possibly known by mankind. I once saw him melt down Actifed and shoot it in his arm. He has been beaten almost to death, lived in and out of prison for years, had two strokes, homeless for years and is now in a shared living home that provides him assistance. He once stole all our living room furniture for heroin. He is doing better than he has in many years but at a huge cost to his health and mind. He did well for about 12 years raising his twin boys and other son until he relapsed.

My sister died in February of this year after being diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer only 6 months before. She also struggled with drug addiction and alcohol. She gave her son up for adoption to his paternal grandpa and his wife when he was 6 and never got over it. She has two girls that now each have a child but always had a strained relationship with them. She was often abused by men and drunk a lot of the time. She moved from California to Washington, met a nice man and married. She was on prescription pills (way too many including morphine) for fybromyalga when she was diagnosed. We threw a fund raiser and got her and her husband moved into a small house where we live in California. It was the worst death I have ever witnessed nor care to.

My last sibling, brother Dan, is the one I have brought up in my posts often. He has never lived on his own, is bipolar and that went undiagnosed for years. We all thought his actions (talking to himself or traffic, anger outbursts, sleeping jags, etc.) were from drugs. His preferred drug is Meth and I have been told by his psychiatrist that he uses that because it actually calms him and the disease for short periods. That is why they call it self-medicating sometimes. But he is truly an addict and is institutionalized from being thrown in prison for violating parole for using. That is what he has spent the majority of his time in prison for. Such a shame the mentally ill have to be shoved in prison when they aren't hurting anyone but themselves.

There was a lot of fighting and verbal abuse. I became the "fixer" of the family, calling in sick for my mom's work at age 10 when she was drunk, getting in the car with her driving drunk (and in wrong lane) thinking if I was with her she would be safe, always trying to make things go smooth so she wouldn't want to drink, etc. It was a lonely life for me at such a young age and I made a lot of fun of myself and made jokes to try and help me get through. I didn't have any self-esteem and still struggle with that to this day.

My mom enabled my other brothers (never the girls) so bad. Mom always taught us it was Christian to help others, even to the point of giving them the shirt off your back. She often took in stray friends that were on the streets, fed them, gave them shelter. I always admired her for the love she showed to everyone that came her way, but now see that sometimes she could have shown it less and in a different way.

I did drugs in my youth. I smoked pot from the age of 14 until I was 18 years old. I did Meth on a steady basis (daily almost) for two years, maybe three when I was in my early 20s. I had severe panic disorder and was agoraphobic. I had situational attacks in the stores, etc. I wouldn't go back to those stores out of panic. I became pretty much home bound and still using Meth!!! My ex (my son's dad) said we were going to stop using as he was supplying it all. I stopped, he didn't.

I started going to junior college and got my AA degree as a legal secretary so I could try and support my son. I built my own home, and neighborhood, through the CHIP program for lower income families and it was a nice little home. I finally was able to move out of my mom's home when I was 26 years old. I lived with her until then for financial reasons for both her and I. By then my son was 6 years old. At age 5, his father and I split up, or I guess I should say I kicked his father out. He was a full blown Meth user along with other drugs including opiates. He stalked me for over two years. I always felt that my son should have his father in his life (probably because mine wasn't around much). This was a mistake of a young girl who tried her best at the time and I forgive myself now for it, but it took a long time. My son had necrosis of the hip at age 4/5 and had to wear a brace that made him walk funny. All the kids teased him and I tried to protect him, even putting him in play therapy hoping that would help him. He overcame it and can walk fine and has no pain. Shriner's are a blessing on a side note!!

Please see Act II for a the rest of the story.

Renee

October 13, 2009

Homeless


Last night my brother called because he wanted to see if I could round up a sleeping bag for him. For those not up to date he is dual diagnosis (not sure if he is bi-polar or schizophrenic). He has been incarcerated for years off and on for violation of parole due to drug use. Anyways, he was staying with us as our mom passed away a little over a year ago and he was doing quite well. He slipped up and my husband said he had enough. My husband was his payee for a couple of years off and on. He is having to reapply for Social Security and is getting temporary checks. Of course he takes the checks, buys a few nights of a motel room and spends the rest on drugs, etc. He has no concept of money, whatsoever. Anyways, he is a sweet soul and I love him very much despite the crap he has put me through and himself through. I took him a sleeping bag and bought him some hot food, gave him a coat, cried a lot. He came by my work today at lunch and I gave him a sandwhich and chips. It is raining and windy, terrible weather suddenly here. I took him to mental health and they directed us to some other angency and I had to drop him off, it is quite a ways from town. No housing available, no shelter here. Please blogger friends, pray that the Lord will provide the right people in my brother's path. I am struggling so much with this and I know he is so scared. I know he has made poor choices and lots of times I use the mental illness to excuse him. I just love him and want him to have shelter.

October 11, 2009

Stuck on Grateful

Hi to all of my blogger friends, I have missed you and thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers during the passing of my mother-in-law. I am not officially back from our little getaway at the ocean but felt the urge to write a gratitude list today. I will be writing a couple of posts soon about some history of my life and my son's as I thought it might shed more light on who I am as a person and how I got to blogland. For now, I am just grateful for today and so here is my list:

1. Grateful for all sunny days on the ocean;
2. Grateful for my loving husband and our wonderful relationship;
3. Grateful I have a job;
4. Grateful we have a couple of little places to getaway to when needed, and vacation time to do it with;
5. Grateful for the pain of the passing of my mother, sister, aunt and mother-in-law to show me how strong I can be and how precious life is;
6. Grateful for a reliable vehicle;
7. Grateful the water where I live tastes so great out the tap;
8. Grateful for the health that I do have;
9. Grateful for my family and friends;
10. Grateful for all my senses and the ability to stop and be aware of my surroundings; and
11. Last but not least, grateful for my blog friends who support me in ways only they can understand.

I hope you are all doing well, I will be trying to catch up on my blog readings as well as posting soon.

Renee

October 2, 2009

R.I.P.

Just a quick post as I may be preoccupied for a bit. My mother-in-law passed away yesterday so we will be busy planning services, etc. I hope all my blogger friends are doing well! God Bless, Renee

September 28, 2009

Get by with a little help from my friends.


Well, I decided to try my home town Al-Anon meeting for a third time, guess it is true: Third Times a Charm. There was a good group and we stayed on point with one subject. I took something away from the mCheck Spellingeeting and I hope I gave something back. The group was positive and proactive. I will go again for sure. Today I have taken Annette's advice and left all my loved ones problems to them and took care of me. Have I said how much I appreciate my blog friends and their support:) I am still sad, but allowing it, not fighting it, not letting it consume me.

September 27, 2009

Drama 101

To make a long story short my husband took my brother and a couple of friends to our house on the coast to paint the exterier. There was beer there, my husband doesn't drink but his friends do. I received a call Friday night from a cop on the coast who said he had my brother for drunk in public but wanted someone to come and pick him up. I called my husband and he went and got him. I guess he left sometime during the day while my husband was in town and proceeded to get pretty drunk. The next day he apologized and did some work in the yard but got drunk again. So basically he failed at my husband's expectations and broke some boundaries. My husband drove all the way home last night (supposed to come home Sunday) and didn't get here with my brother until about 12:00 a.m. We all went to bed and when I woke up this morning my brother had left because my husband was ignoring him. My brother called and my husband told him he wasn't welcome here anymore and that he wouldn't do another thing for him. My husband has been spewing anger all over the place today, taking it out on me and I am sick still, after a week. My son is home, I took it out on him, he is "sleeping" in the bedroom, more likely hight but don't have the energy. I had to pack my brother's backpack and my husband dropped it off in town. The bitterness building in this house is so thick. I don't want to be that bitter, hard hearted person. I want to have boundaries but also still be open to love and hurt. My husband has lost it and is not considering anything other than his anger. I am now angry. I feel like I need time off from work, don't even feel like getting up in the mornings. My antidepressent isn't working anymore appearantly. Because my mom and sis both died recently, I feel orphaned, and my bi-polar addict brother and son are all I have left in my side of the family. My husband is an only child so sometimes he doesn't understand the ties of siblings. I feel like screaming and running away, far away for a long time, just give up and be irresponsible. I feel so sad for my brother and anger at my son. I feel bitter and my husband is beyond that. Wow, the difference a day makes. It has all been building up for so long, I feel really just like giving up on it all. Sorry for the rambling, I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired, but don't feel like fighting for my health at this point.

September 25, 2009

Much Love


Just a quick note to say thank you to all who have supported me on this blog. I am at one of those crossroads in this process known as co-dependency and love for an addicted child. I feel I have grown and will continue to grow now with all of your support, the support of my counselor and meetings. I know we all wish we didn't have to belong to this particular group, but again, I am so grateful that at least we have each other to reach out to. Much Love fellow bloggers! Have an awesome weekend.
BTW--If you read my "overpowered" post, I asked my son the following day to pack a few items and stay in town somewhere for a few days as I needed some time alone. One small step......

Gray Waves--Flash 55

It always seemed so black and white. Why can't he see? The waves of destruction that have become so prevalent in our lives. I realize it is not black and white, but full of gray waves, sometimes calm, soothing and sometimes turbulent, cold, dark. Nothing stays the same and that is a very comforting feeling.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

September 23, 2009

Overpowered


Fair warning, this is going to be a ramble of a post. I feel so overpowered right now by my son and his addiction. First of all my husband and brother went to paint a house we have on the coast so they are not home for 5 days. What I thought would be a nice night to rest and get better (been pretty sick) ended up not being near that. I got home and know that my son broke into the house, he said the back door was unlocked but I am pretty positive I locked it. There was a scheduled power outage at my home today so he was outside doing his homework. Anyways, I let it go after telling him never to do it again and made some soup while he did some chores. We ate dinner and talked a bit, then I called my cousin and we both spoke with her on the phone, overall, not bad at this point. I noticed while I was on the phone that he was going in and out of the house quite a bit and seemed odd. I usually can tell when he is not right but tonight wasn't positive, that is until a few minutes ago. He went into his room and layed down (at 8:30 pm). I walked in and tried to wake him, took a while so he is for sure high. I kind of yelled a little and told him I thought I should take him into town. Of course I can't move him and he just said no. I told him to set his alarm for school tomorrow because I wasn't waking him up and would leave without him. Told him I didn't want to see him like this at my home ever again (this has been said way too many times with no action). What am I to do, call the cops? I am sick and my husband is gone, I just don't want to deal with it. Now I feel like I have to go to his door for a few hours to make sure he is breathing. I feel so sad, angry and frustrated all at once. I feel helpless and overpowered. I have given his addiction my power. At least for today. I pray to God he makes it through this. At least when he does drugs away from me I don't have to see it, out of sight out of mind kind of thing. I don't know what to do right now, feel too weak to deal with it so I will do nothing. If there are any of you that feel this lost right now, please share with me, I feel so alone tonight. I just had to write, my fingers are just typing without me even thinking I am so afraid and angry. God help me and my son, God help us all who are struggling with this demon. Sorry for the ramble to any who read this, just had to get it out somewhere. I feal like such a weak person and such a failure for not following through with my boundaries and letting myself and my son down.

September 22, 2009

Sick

Align Left

Well, I guess when we don't spend time taking care of ourselves, we just get sick. I have been off work for two days, must go back tomorrow. Just feel so beat down so I guess I need to relax into it and work at getting well, in more ways than one. I haven't felt much like getting online and will have to catch up with the blogs once I am feeling better. Hope everyone is having a fantastic week.

September 19, 2009

Tongue Biting



I am the type of person that usually reacts when my buttons are pushed. Lately I have been trying to "bite my tongue" so to speak and think a bit before my reactions of anger flow out like water from the tap. I have been doing pretty well with that until today. My son brought a young girl (friend) out to swim today to our house. They swam and sat around for awhile and then she left. My son had obviously been drinking and probably using opiates last night. He said he just had been drinking and wanted to sleep, after all it is the weekend you know. Geez! So I just laid into him, telling him I thought he should take a drug test, which I have on hand. He was hesitant and then when he did agree, he didn't need to pee...I didn't really need him to as I knew in my gut what I have known for a bit of time now, he has relapsed and is dishonest to himself and the family. I advised him I thought he should go to town and that maybe he should just find a place to live. He just laid there and tried to keep quiet. I was screaming that if he doesn't get help or shows up at my home loaded one more time he is out. I told him that I hoped he didn't think I wasn't serious as I have not always been one to say what I mean and mean what I say, just quick reactions. I pray that when (not if) he does this again I have the strength within me to mean what I say, say what I mean. I need this strength for he and I. I so wish this could be easier and more clear cut. I read of others that are able to tough love it to the point of not allowing their loved addict to live with them. Maybe it is because I have had three family deaths in the past 1 1/2 years that I am even more fearful of losing family as I don't have much left. I have kicked my son out of my home before when his addiction was so awful that there was no other answer, and frankly he was usually ready to go. He isn't ready to go this time, and I am not sure I am ready to make him go. I know I am the only one that can do it and it has to be done when I gain the strength emotionally to do it. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to. God, please help me, I am lost and feel so fragile.

September 17, 2009

Strange Reflection-Friday Flash 55





She stands in front of the mirror wondering who is staring back at her. What happened to the woman with the joyful heart, flowing hair, healthy body? Was it all an illusion or does she still exist in the reflection? The clock ticks, she runs out the door to start her day, whoever she is.


Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

September 16, 2009

I HATE FOIL!!!

So my son had a college paper due for his Humanities class and last night I helped him a little with it. It happened to be about who he thought killed Kennedy and why. He really enjoyed doing the research about all the conspiracy theories and learned a lot. It was so great to see him get into the learning process, haven't seen that in so long with him. He was excited for school and his paper.

He got a ride from school today to a friends house. He called about 10:30 pm and said he had tried to call earlier for a ride (he no longer has a cell phone). He asked if I could bring clothes into town so he could just pick them up there for school tomorrow(we don't give him a key to our house and it is locked when we go to work). As I was on the phone with him asking him how his teacher liked his paper, and asking him which clothes he wanted, I happened upon the jeans he requested. They of course were in his hamper but not really dirty. Well, they actually were dirty because I felt something strange in the pocket and went to clean it out. Yep, that wonderful, beautiful, evil shiny piece of foil. I of course asked him about it like he would even go there truthfully with me. It so ruined the story about how his teacher liked his paper. I am so let down, even though I was pretty aware he has been using to some degree, I guess I just don't want to face it, plus he is so much better than he was at the height of his addiction. I know, I know, he is still using but I am just not ready. I hate foil, who would have thought such a handy thing would end up being on my top ten list of things I hate.

I am sad and feel a bit defeated tonight. It used to be worse for me, I used to set myself much more often. My expectations used to be so high I couldn't even meet them. I have learned to not really have any expectations but in the process, I do not allow myself to feel the hurt most times. I also don't allow myself to feel too excited about anything. I know that without going through the pain, I won't feel joy. I guess I am just tired of grieving and am not doing the work on my own recovery very well. Blah!