January 28, 2010

Thank's for the Help and Support

I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post. I have read your comments many times over and they are filling me up with your wisdom. I am stealing a format that Annette used and posting some of the comments that particularly struck me and gave me the reality check I was asking for. I think Annette and I are in a very similar space right now with our addicted kids. She had a couple of wonderful posts with many comments, check them out here I feel stronger today, and that I am grateful for. At the end of this post, I am going to put in a verse from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie I read yesterday. It reminds me to go easy on myself and what learning our lessons is really about.

All of the comments I received on my last post were so very helpful and supportive, and below I have posted some that jumped out to me.

Madison commented:
Addicts seek short-term solutions. An endless string of situations where there is only one choice left - stop doing drugs - can end in a life-changing moment of clarity. Try not to be the short-term solution that keeps addiction alive.

If my child had cancer and chemotherapy made her ill and I didn't get that the chemotherapy was helpful, I would want to stop the medicine. Sometimes with addiction, it's difficult to allow troubles to mount - but this might be exactly what produces a turning point in your son's life.

FM commented:
keep contact to phone calls and meetings away from house.
meet for lunch, do NOT discuss habits, lifestyles, drugs unless HE brings it up.
let it go. it is HIS problem. addicts are very smart and resilient. he will get by just fine. or not. that is in God's hands, not yours.

Garnett commented:
That post was all about him. What's happening in YOUR life?

Syd commented:
I think that your son has become the focus and not you. I find that I know the truth deep inside. I may choose to deny that truth but have found it doesn't do any good to live in denial. Take care of yourself.

Kim A. commented:
When I am aware then I know I have tools to use. I double my meetings, I make a call or 3, I write it out, or blog it out, I pray for the wisdom to see that I am not my son's HP and don't see the big picture.

May 9th Mediation from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie:

Life is a gentle teacher. She wants to help us learn. The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry, frustrated, confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that the formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand and we have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so EASY...now.
Life is a gentle teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated, confused, angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come. It shall.

Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.

Thanks again everyone....Renee

January 26, 2010

Here I go again...Help!

My step-son is leaving for Utah tomorrow, he has been here for a month visiting. He and Z are very close and have been running around quite a bit, haven't seen much of them since a couple of days after Christmas. My step-son D moved to Utah a couple of years ago as he had a job opportunity and wanted to get out of the town (he also has drug issues). He has worked there for about 2 1/2 years but was recently laid off and is on unemployment. He is going back and I believe he feels he needs to not come back to this area right now as he feels tempted here.

My husband gave Z's probation officer his cell phone number last Friday so she could contact him directly. He told me tonight while here visiting that they did a random drug test Monday and he passed. I asked him what the different in him passing that drug test and all ther others he has been given in his required probation drug classes was. He stated that at the probation drug testing they have mirrors and watch you with open doors, while drug class does not. I knew there must have been somethng happening at those drug class tests because he has been using off and on (mostly on I suspect).

He had a new pair of sunglasses and an IPOD, and I again assumed he bought these items with his "school money" he received, but who knows. He left his clothes and items in my garage and he is hinting around about having to try and figure stuff out. He wants to call my cousin in a nearby town to see if he can get a job at his car dealership (at first he wanted me to make that call, told him not my deal). I talked to him and told him I would appreciate it if my cousin does end up hiring him that he be truly ready to work and not burn bridges with them, otherwise, I am staying the hell out of it. His plan is to get a job there ASAP so he can then ask probation for a transfer. THEN, he starts to hand me a pink piece of paper to hold on to for him, but hesitates. I asked him what it was and he told me it was a slip for a TV he pawned. He looked it over real careful and then handed it to me, and I tossed it on the table. We discussed a friend of his whose mother is dying of cancer. This friend took his mom's car and got into an accident, he was driving on a suspended license for the third time and had stolen property in the car. I found out from my son the stolen property came from another one of their friends who has been stealing things from PG&E yard and trading/selling it for drugs.

So I know you all know where this is going in my little co-dependent head. I have a few butterflies in my tummy tonight for sure. I am just so afraid he has gotten into the whole stealing/pawning/receiving crap. He also knows I do not want him living with me right now and he doesn't really want to either. I suspect he will be coming to me in the next week though as he is soon to run out of avenues again.

So my blogger friends, I am not even gonna sound strong tonight and throw out all about what I know, what I need to do, how I need to take care of me, etc. What I am gonna throw out there is a bit of a desperate plea to you all to give it to me straight...gently. I need your support so fire away.

January 22, 2010


I love taking photos and it is a passion of mine that I haven't pursued in quite some time. Below are some of the photos I have taken (mostly in Crescent City, CA). I have decided I need to pick up my camera and take off for a day to just take photos.

January 21, 2010

Uncomfortable Territory-FRIDAY FLASH 55

Eyelids closing, stinging, she was ever so tired. Her mind raced to exhuastion, but her body didn't move. With the storm settled a bit, she slowly started sinking into a foreign place, so unfamilar, confusing and uncomfortable. It never occured to her to stop, look and listen to her own needs and to fulfill them.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

January 20, 2010

Forced to Look Into the Silence

It has been pretty calm at my house lately, no "Chaos", no emergencies of the night, phone calls needing this or that. I have been attempting for quite some time to work on self soothing techniques and just taking care of my needs. I realized this past week just how difficult that is for me, and I was really surprised by it. I have taken some steps but there is so much more to be done. I know now that the silence without the chaos is forcing me to look at myself, which of course I never took the time to do. I find myself being lazy about it, depressed and making excuses. I have health issues with my weight now and I haven't been to the gym or truly exercised in a very long time. I don't sleep well, actually fight it at times. I don't take care of my home the way I like to and don't concentrate well at work. Don't get me wrong, not beating myself up at all, just looking at it and astounded at how difficult I have found it to just do simple things for self care.

I am the type of person that goes all out or nothing. So when I start a weight loss journey, I start out over exercising, under eating, everything to the extreme. I do this with many things and then set myself up that way. I guess it is just difficult to break old habits. My counselor stated to me tonight that we all have a lazy person inside us and nobody likes to swallow the nasty pill. I started thinking about this as motivation or wanting to change things is not enough. It is like taking that nasty little pill for a terrible virus, to get well, you have to do it, otherwise you remain ill. I need to walk for 10 minutes a day to start, watch my food intake and what I put in my mouth. Read a good book instead of veg out in front of the TV every night after work. Meditate and read Al-anon material daily. That in and of itself would be enough, enough for now.

Then I really started letting the brain go on this whole thing and realized what extreme expectations I have put on my son over the years. I mean, here he is an addict, smoking oxy and doing whatever with any opiates he can get, with people all around him tempting him. I expect that he can just figure it out, get help and get well, done. But then I think, I can't seem to get in 10 minutes of exercise and I used to do five times that much with a much more hectic schedule. I can't seem to eat the right portions of food because it is put in front of me. Oh how the addicts must struggle with all the temptation put before them.

I also spoke with my son a little tonight, hadn't talked to him in about two weeks or more. He sounded loaded, but I didn't bring it up. He also had court Tuesday that I found out about at work as i ran the daily calendar. I did not freak out as to whether he made it to court, what it was about, what would happen, and believe me, one year ago, I would have been all up in that. Come to find out, he made it to court on time and they did not press charges (having a smoking device). Six months ago, I would have been freaking out knowing he was using again, while on probation and trying to "fix" it. He goes to his probation meetings, they drug test him and somehow he must pass the tests? He is for sure using so not sure how that is happening, but again, not my deal. I have a feeling in about two weeks he is going to be coming back around wanting to stay at my home again. His step-brother will be headed back out of town and that is who he has been hanging with wherever they hang. I really feel I need to keep the boundary to a "no, you can't live with me anymore". I will give him rides to probation, let him do the recycling to save the money for his fines (he has been doing this for several months). I will maybe take him to lunch or invite him to dinner sometime, but I just don't think I can live with him like this anymore. I am going to try and not project, but get myself in a better place in mind, body and spirit. So for now, my plan is the following:

Walk 10 minutes a day (or more if time or feel like it)
Journal my food and try to eat healthy foods
Get to bed 1/2 hour earlier than normal
Make a daily list of things I need to get done, limit to 2-5 items
Buy a sweet little purse gratitude journal like the one Lou posted about:)
Keep close to my blogger support group, love you guys!!


January 15, 2010


Quaint town small enough to run into family. BBQ lunch melting on your tongue, laughter. Agitated by the man doing his job, losing money on something brand new. Looking for that perfect spot, crashing into someone else looking. Driving in the dark, slight fog, red lights, blinding flashlight. All in a day in my life.

This 55 is related my my post regarding luck:)
Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

January 14, 2010

If it weren't for bad luck.....

Saturday I had to make a trip to a town about 45 minutes from home to buy a baby shower gift and to exchange some X-mas stuff. My husband and brother came along. I ran into my cousin and we all shared an unexpected meal together so the day seemed to be turning out quite nicely. As the day progressed I lost about $200 on one of my returns of a laptop (don't shop at Best Buy, thier reutrn policy is shit)! Anyways, I ate the cost and moved on. We were headed into Penney's when a car was getting ready to pull out from a parking spot. My husband stopped and then was backing up to get out of the way and to take the prime spot! Well...he ran into a brand new 2010 Toyota Corolla! We exchange info with the owners and proceed with our chores. We stayed pretty calm but my husband didn't want to drive my vehicle home after the accident, so I said I would. He usually drives at night on the road between this town and ours as it is one lane and they call it "blood alley", but whaever, I have driven it before. Before heading back home I had this feeling, like maybe he should be driving because now something unusual is gonna happen as I am driving and I usually don't, you know kind of being supersticious and silly. Well, I got a darn speeding ticket!!! The police officer was sitting in a dark orchard as I drove by at about 7 miles over the speed limit. He of course said I was going faster and I told him I swore I looked at the speedometer and he said he swore that I was going faster...he said he gave me a break and cited me for 10 miles over the speed limit.

I had been home ill the Monday and Tuesday, so yesterday I got to work right no time. There is not a lot of public parking at the Court on Wednesday mornings as all courts are going full blast. The girls in our office had mentioned that they had stopped giving tickets for the 2 hour parking spots (which I never park in). I parked in one because it was the only spot left. I forgot to move my car and wasn't really worried about it as they often don't cite around here. Well....I got a parking ticket!

So, either God is trying to tell me to SLOW DOWN, DRIVE SAFE, AND PAY ATTENTION TO PARKING RULES, I if I didn't have bad luck, wouldn't have any at all...ha!

Like I said, I have been sick so not posting a lot and have tried to keep up on your blogs and comment. Barbara, I am so happy Ant looks to be pulling out of his life threatening situation, God Bless him and you. TKay, I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers.


January 8, 2010

Mending-Friday Flash 55

It was time for a change, time to walk her own path, take care of her needs. The urge to cut through and make it happen instantly is strong. The first steps are the hardest, but the reward so sweet. She puts the scissors down and decides to mend slowly, one stitch at a time.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

January 7, 2010

Resisting the urge of fake guilt thoughts

Well I finally got to see my counselor last night after her being off for health reasons for 4 months. It was nice to see her and listen to her comments, very comforting like an old comfy robe. Lately I have been catching myself when I go to do something for me, something to take care of myself, then stopping. I notice that I feel bad about having fun, or leaving an allowing someone else to feel lonesome. Now mind you I realize this is not proper thinking, but it is what I do and have done for many, many years. I feel guilt before I do something that shouldn't make me feel guilty in the first place!
So we discussed it for a bit and she threw out an analogy...and you all know how I LOVE analogies:) So here goes. She asked me if I had ever quit smoking to which I told her I had and it was one of the hardest things in my life to do. She said that these guilt feelings that I am having are embedded, habitual false guilt. It is a habit that needs to be broken. So she asks me what I did to quit smoking, each time I wanted to smoke like after eating, waking up, going to sleep, you know if you have ever been a smoker, you want to smoke after and before EVERYTHING you do! So I told her I refrained and moved through the urge reminding myself how long I had gone without a smoke and how great that was for my health. She said, do the same thing with these habitual false guilt thoughts.
As with quitting smoking, or any other habit or addiction, it is difficult at first, but practice makes perfect. So I am gonna catch those little nasty false guilt thoughts and stomp them out, then go forward with my own life instead of over-participating in others.
I am still trying to upload my photos from our little get away and will post something this week on that. I also need to start taking my health into consideration and lose some weight. Three major deaths and much grief over my addicted son has put an extra 30 pounds on my small frame. I need to take responsibility for the way I have handled my stress now, it is time. I also needed to put that in writing because it feels official now.
Have a happy week!

January 4, 2010


Hi all, wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year and let you know I didn't fall off the face of the planet! We have been at our house on the coast and I plan to post some pictures in a few days of our adventures. I have been reading you all and trying to comment here and there. We are driving back tomorrow (5 1/2 hour drive) and back to work on Wednesday. It never seems to be enough time but I am grateful that I have the time at all, a job and a nice little getaway near the sea. I love the ocean so much and just being with my husband has been a blessing.

I miss my blog friends:)