Vulnerable and Sad

Hi everyone, long time no post! 

I have been traveling around tonight checking in on some of my blog families and it made me realize I am having a bit of a hard time myself right now. 

I stopped in over at Heather's Mom's blog and came to a few realizations.  I was reminded of how often I am too busy to take care of myself.  Too busy to blog or work on my own issues.  It is a coping mechanism I have used my whole life, stay busy so I don't have to look at my own sadness or anger or accept that my son is an active opiate addict and may stay that way or get well, but I have no power in the situation.  I have known this about myself for quite awhile but often get "too busy" to do anything about it, to keep it in check or just plain surrender and allow myself to just rest.  I can be sitting still and be busy.  It is an excuse that keeps me numb and stuck.  I can beat myself up all over the place, am doing some of that in this post, but at some point I hope my awareness pushes me to help myself more and more. 

I paid Sherry a visit also tonight.  I was reminded of the many times I tried to rescue my mother from the abuse of my addicted brothers and her severe co-dependence.    I was reminded of how many of us go through so much addiction and co-dependency growing up and the cycle it creates.  The sadness of watching my mother for years be verbally and sometimes physically abused is still stuck in that hard, black rock feeling in the pit of my stomach...the place I keep many things and that which keeps my body from flowing in a healthy way. 

I also stopped by Lisa's blog tonight and was reminded that even when our addicted kids get healthy and have some recovery behind them, it doesn't make everything all better, sometimes we allow life to just get in our way of happiness.  I have been pretty sad lately, thinking it is probably depression.  I lack motivation to get up and go to work, exercise, eat right, or even visit with my husband at night.  I find myself isolating but have been telling myself it is what I need right now.  I am on an anti-depressant, minerals, vitamins, etc., but sometimes the blues just want to stick around.  I am trying to allow myself a certain amount of wallowing but at times am in fear that it will swallow me. 

I have been going to Al-anon meetings once a week and sometimes lead the meeting.  I am not doing my meditation or reading and it shows in this post.  I really think God led me to this blog again tonight, to help me remind myself what I already know. 

My son is still actively using, not sure exactly what as he lives 30 miles from me.   He is depressed and still living with the girl he met in rehab who is also actively using.  They are using prescription pills for sure and I suspect my son may be using herion as the oxycontin is getting quite scarce and expensive.  I think he finally understands that I am distancing myself from him to some degree.  I hear that desperation in his voice when I talk with him.  He asked if he and the girlfriend could come and stay next weekend at our house, no drugs and just to visit.  I told him I would not help him financially as they both lost their jobs and will probably be homeless soon.  I try to spend time with him when I can for as long as I can stand it.  I try really hard to accept him as he is, but as you all know, that is a hard, hard thing. 

I really have a ton to be grateful for.  After almost a year with my sponsor, I still do a gratitude list and try to work the Al-anon program, but my old coping skills (disease) like to pop up and distract me...keep me good and BUSY.

So I know I am rambling now and forgive me for being so darn busy as not to keep up on my blogging.  I am hoping to get less busy what the fluff and start really getting busy dealing with my own stuff. 

I love you all and am still so grateful to have this community to come to and get a reality check.  I pray for each of you and your families often. 

Renee

Another struggling parent

I stopped in to do some reading and try to catch up a little and found a comment from another struggling parent of an addict.  Please stop by and show her some support. 
http://tinaluckenbach.blogspot.com/2011/04/detachment-love-and-forgiveness.html

Reevaluating my Priorites

Recently I had discovered a program where I could return to college to obtain my B.A. Degree in 16 months, with only one evening class a week.  After completing this program, I would be able to complete my Masters through the very same program with a few additional evening classes after work.  I was very excited several months ago about this prospect and was told I needed intermediate algebra to get into the program.  I took the course through the university (never had touched an algebra problem) and ended up doing very well, but it sure added a ton of stress to me physically and affected all other arenas of my life.  I then found out I have about 28 undergraduate credits to complete along with the program.  I decided I would put off the university and pick away at some online courses through our local community college until I could have enough units and go into the university program clean and fresh.

So, off I go, my little happy Al-anon self, taking on 9 units on top of my full time job that has had major administrative changes in the last three months, including the retirement of two judges and the court executive officer, essentially putting a whole new admin in place.  I found very quickly how stressed I was when opening my online course to look and see what was going to be expected of me.  I must admit, I thought it was going to be a little of a cake walk (there go those expectation:) .  It was not, the work load was massive for my schedule right now and I could feel my tension growing.  I kept putting pressure on myself, starting spinning out of control, pure fear that I would fail.  I then realized something.  I will be working at my current job for a minimum of 9 more years.  I have time, something I never have allowed myself once I get an idea or goal, got to get it done, done as quickly as possible and with outstanding grades.  I prayed about it, and realized I had not purchased my books yet and that I would drop one class.  Before the end of the week, I dropped them all.  I have the book for one of the classes and will start that in the Summer semester and see how I do with online courses.

I guess my point in all this gibberish is that I allowed myself a break from the very high expectations I placed on myself at this point.  I just had surgery, just returned to work this past week and have a 12 day vacation planned in February, I simply am not in the right frame of mind to start my schooling.  I realized it was not my priority right now.  My priority is to work on my program on a daily basis.  This is something I have a hard time with.  I need to treat my program like a class that I really enjoy with some homework.  The class is the meetings, sponsor meetings, counseling meetings and this blog.  The homework is always where I get stuck.  That is the follow-through work, the reading, the meditation, the self care, etc.  When I am on track and doing the best I can, I see and feel the positive changes it makes in my life.  So again, I am learning that I can still return to school, but it is not an emergency for me, and I want to return to school and enjoy it this time around.  I want it to be on my terms, not because I need to hash out a career path so I can pay bills and support my son as a single mom.  I have the freedom to never return to school again if I so choose.  It is not all or nothing, and the more I am learning that, the better I feel about myself and trust myself.  It is a great feeling.

Blessings to you all,

Renee