Birthday Celebration

Yesterday was my son's 24th birthday. I took him shopping last Wednesday for clothing and we had a fabulous time together. He has been staying with some friends of his that are being supportive with limits. We took him to dinner last night and just had such a good time, he was so present, no nodding off or being irritable, just laughing, eating and enjoying ourselves. All involved commented how wonderful a time they had and how good it was to see him in this light. I savored the moment and will cherish the memory.

O.K., now for the otherside of the coin...I am in deep co-dependent illness mode and fighting hard to battle it off. My mind is racing about a bit and I am sad. It is my brother this time...I know, his life, not my business. Here is the latest:

My husband and I have allowed my dual diagnosed brother to live with us since 10/15/09. From that date up to this past Monday, he has been taking his meds, no drugs, gone to the dentist, psychiatrist, checked in with his parole officer on a regular basis, helped us with anything we ask, etc. Now mind you, this is a person who has never been able to make it off of parole due to doing meth to medicate his bi-polar situation. Now I know he is also addicted, but his psychiatrist explained to me they often consider a form of self-medicating as the meth mellows those with bi-ploar mania believe it or not.

Anyways, he is working on getting his social security back and we have allowed him to stay with us and are working with him to get his money and a payee situated. This past Monday he seemed odd. He has been taking massive amounts of antibotics for a tooth and boil infection. So we thought maybe he was just feeling really ill. But last night when I went home from work to get ready for my son's dinner, he was just being VERY ODD! So I kind of got pissy (shouldn't have done that but oh well). He went outside and I just figured maybe he hadn't been taking his bi-polar meds? We went to leave and he was gone. We went to dinner, had a great time, came home and I did my nightly routine. I finally went to be but have to admit I was in the worry mode. He stopped by my husband's work today and he brought him home, he is still not right. I am stepping back for right now, don't want to REACT, just give myself a bit of time and see what he does. I am planning on telling him that I need to see him take his meds each night for him to stay with us, not sure if that is the right thing to do? He was living under the bridge in our town and I would bring him food, it just killed me to do that. Now I am rambling, see what I mean about those racing thoughts! At least my relationship with my son is better right now. We are going to the gym together after work to get in some exercise and I have a massage tonight too, so I am taking care of myself, just need to take care of my mind!

Oh the Angst of it all!

I sometimes have trouble putting my thoughts in writing. Maybe it is because I have become somewhat disconnected with myself? I decided to write this even if it doesn't come off eloquently and hopeful it will make some sense.

I am so angry, at first I thought "at" my son, but now I just think it is pure stress. I thought maybe it originated from fear, all the anger that I act out towards my boy, but now I think I am just fed up with it all. Maybe I should get out of my head and quit trying to figure out why I am so short and mean to him and get out of my own head for a bit? I don't want to become bitter, but afraid it is happening. The way I relate to my son is not healthy for me or him. I can't seem to bite my tongue enough (I wouldn't have a tongue)! I love my son so much and I see the desperation in him, but I am finding myself being angered by his desperation? I am just so sick of dealing with it, looking at it, being around it, his addiction. I feel like such a shit of a mother right now but I am exhausted from the battle, his battle, not mine. I fight it much more than he has and I know that isn't going to get him well. He was gone for over a month living with friends, etc. My brother has been staying with us, doing very well and we are trynig to assist him in getting his finances straight so he can get a payee and find a place to live. My brother is clean and helpful, is cooperative and taking his medications. He is a pleasure to be around. My son on the other hand still acts entitled, spoiled and disrespectful most times. There are times when he is very much a part of the family but it is few and far between. He now is struggling to find housing and I allowed him to sleep on our couch for a few nights. He says he has nowhere to go but he stayed at a friend's house last night.

I guess the true problem is my idea of abandonment. I felt abandoned emotionally by both parents and physically by another. I feel like I am abandoning my son, even though he will be 24 in a week. I know, I know, I know, but I guess I still haven't done my own work yet. I just bought two 12 step books on co-dependency from Amazon so I should have those soon, as long as I read them and not let them collect dust. I miss my counselor, she will not be practicing until January and the alternate counselor I didn't connect with at all. I need to go to some meetings out of town, which also makes me angry. Kind of dumb because it would be doing something for me, but also a pain to have to drive 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week at night after work so I can get better, meanwhile he sits and does what he does.

Sorry everyone, this has been building for awhile and bottom line is I am becoming an angry bitter person, espceially with my own son.

On a lighter note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families. I am grateful for the following:

1. My loving supportive husband
2. My brother being clean, sober and working towards a better future
3. My son being alive
4. My blogger support
5. My Christmas decor is up and really pretty
6. Shopping online for Christmas
7. Electricity and food, housing and all that goes with that
8. Having employment that pays well and is steady
9. Being open minded
10. Pumpkin Pie with whipped cream.

Renee

Need help with Blog site question

How do you make a shelf for your blog awards? I have add a gadget but not sure what to add??? I know, you would think I could figure that out by now!