tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-111992216636598212024-03-19T02:13:44.239-07:00Mom trying to Detach With LoveThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.comBlogger142125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-1602002555177232512014-10-08T17:18:00.002-07:002014-10-08T17:18:47.910-07:00It's been awhile!Well it has been a pretty long time since I have written anything here and so much has transpired it would take me a year to put it all in writing. I have been checking in and reading some of your blogs and always know there is a family here for me when I need it.
Z has been through hell and back too many times in the last few years. He was sent to prison in June 2011 and was released X-mas Eve in 2012. He completed his parole, worked two jobs, retained his long lost driver license and bought his own car. It hasn't taken long for the car to be wrecked, three jobs lost, girlfriend being homeless and somehow I lost my sense and strength. Z and his GF have been staying at my house off and on, staying somewhat clean for about a month. Last night I advised the GF she must do something and she is set to enter a rehab in Reno within the next two days, just waiting to see about transportation there. Z is not interested in any sort of rehab. He has always resisted faith based rehabs which is heartbreaking to me. I have given him two options, the best I believe being Delancey Place in SF. Needless to say he is not interested and I advised him he needs to leave in the next couple of days. He has no other family to go to now and my heart is ripped out of my chest kicking him to the streets. Today I am feeling numb and just realize that this may never end for him as he has been using every drug under the sun for 10 years now, except the few times he has had clean time, prison and some at home. That same fear that I am sending him out to OD and die is always there, can't seem to shake that one. He has OD so many times and survived I think he must feel invincible although he states that is not the case. He started taking an antidepressant in the last couple of days and swears he will try that and if it doesn't work he will consider rehab. Somehow my inner self tells me that is just BS and I need to continue with the plan to make him homeless. And then there is the mother in me that wants so badly to believe him. I know better...UGH! I hope you are all doing well and I know life just goes along no matter what we are dealing with. I continue to pray for many of you out there and have never forgotten that you have all been a special part of my life and are truly some of the only people that will ever know what I am going through and how I feel, and for that I am super grateful. Much love...ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-51786792903103064052011-05-30T01:32:00.000-07:002014-10-08T17:21:35.612-07:00Vulnerable and Sad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv8Muf5rxMUwOmpkNgfk5Uh7aASyqJKYSJZ_JdMrpJLJ9DykB2kXtop4dYqtaoCM6HlFqBUKxCrSREM6k4GFT2iOVzbobEttU5mQLtpDR2bkHirsisikLJZMso8fVKgqEEQjSu-HRLNw/s1600/sad_man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv8Muf5rxMUwOmpkNgfk5Uh7aASyqJKYSJZ_JdMrpJLJ9DykB2kXtop4dYqtaoCM6HlFqBUKxCrSREM6k4GFT2iOVzbobEttU5mQLtpDR2bkHirsisikLJZMso8fVKgqEEQjSu-HRLNw/s320/sad_man.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Hi everyone, long time no post! <br />
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I have been traveling around tonight checking in on some of my blog families and it made me realize I am having a bit of a hard time myself right now. <br />
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I stopped in over at <a href="http://heathersmom1.blogspot.com/2011/05/what-faith-can-do.html">Heather's Mom's</a> blog and came to a few realizations. I was reminded of how often I am too busy to take care of myself. Too busy to blog or work on my own issues. It is a coping mechanism I have used my whole life, stay busy so I don't have to look at my own sadness or anger or accept that my son is an active opiate addict and may stay that way or get well, but I have no power in the situation. I have known this about myself for quite awhile but often get "too busy" to do anything about it, to keep it in check or just plain surrender and allow myself to just rest. I can be sitting still and be busy. It is an excuse that keeps me numb and stuck. I can beat myself up all over the place, am doing some of that in this post, but at some point I hope my awareness pushes me to help myself more and more. <br />
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I paid <a href="http://blinded-by-love-for-j.blogspot.com/">Sherry</a> a visit also tonight. I was reminded of the many times I tried to rescue my mother from the abuse of my addicted brothers and her severe co-dependence. I was reminded of how many of us go through so much addiction and co-dependency growing up and the cycle it creates. The sadness of watching my mother for years be verbally and sometimes physically abused is still stuck in that hard, black rock feeling in the pit of my stomach...the place I keep many things and that which keeps my body from flowing in a healthy way. <br />
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I also stopped by <a href="http://lisac-lovingandparentinganaddict.blogspot.com/">Lisa's</a> blog tonight and was reminded that even when our addicted kids get healthy and have some recovery behind them, it doesn't make everything all better, sometimes we allow life to just get in our way of happiness. I have been pretty sad lately, thinking it is probably depression. I lack motivation to get up and go to work, exercise, eat right, or even visit with my husband at night. I find myself isolating but have been telling myself it is what I need right now. I am on an anti-depressant, minerals, vitamins, etc., but sometimes the blues just want to stick around. I am trying to allow myself a certain amount of wallowing but at times am in fear that it will swallow me. <br />
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I have been going to Al-anon meetings once a week and sometimes lead the meeting. I am not doing my meditation or reading and it shows in this post. I really think God led me to this blog again tonight, to help me remind myself what I already know. <br />
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My son is still actively using, not sure exactly what as he lives 30 miles from me. He is depressed and still living with the girl he met in rehab who is also actively using. They are using prescription pills for sure and I suspect my son may be using herion as the oxycontin is getting quite scarce and expensive. I think he finally understands that I am distancing myself from him to some degree. I hear that desperation in his voice when I talk with him. He asked if he and the girlfriend could come and stay next weekend at our house, no drugs and just to visit. I told him I would not help him financially as they both lost their jobs and will probably be homeless soon. I try to spend time with him when I can for as long as I can stand it. I try really hard to accept him as he is, but as you all know, that is a hard, hard thing. <br />
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I really have a ton to be grateful for. After almost a year with my sponsor, I still do a gratitude list and try to work the Al-anon program, but my old coping skills (disease) like to pop up and distract me...keep me good and BUSY. <br />
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So I know I am rambling now and forgive me for being so darn busy as not to keep up on my blogging. I am hoping to get less busy what the fluff and start really getting busy dealing with my own stuff. <br />
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I love you all and am still so grateful to have this community to come to and get a reality check. I pray for each of you and your families often. <br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-35784839468622495342011-04-16T23:11:00.000-07:002011-04-16T23:11:10.547-07:00Another struggling parentI stopped in to do some reading and try to catch up a little and found a comment from another struggling parent of an addict. Please stop by and show her some support. <br />
http://tinaluckenbach.blogspot.com/2011/04/detachment-love-and-forgiveness.htmlThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-66263121178279968142011-01-23T23:53:00.000-08:002011-01-23T23:53:02.719-08:00Reevaluating my Priorites<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://filsalustri.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/priority.jpg?w=150&h=112" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://filsalustri.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/priority.jpg?w=150&h=112" /></a></div>Recently I had discovered a program where I could return to college to obtain my B.A. Degree in 16 months, with only one evening class a week. After completing this program, I would be able to complete my Masters through the very same program with a few additional evening classes after work. I was very excited several months ago about this prospect and was told I needed intermediate algebra to get into the program. I took the course through the university (never had touched an algebra problem) and ended up doing very well, but it sure added a ton of stress to me physically and affected all other arenas of my life. I then found out I have about 28 undergraduate credits to complete along with the program. I decided I would put off the university and pick away at some online courses through our local community college until I could have enough units and go into the university program clean and fresh.<br />
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So, off I go, my little happy Al-anon self, taking on 9 units on top of my full time job that has had major administrative changes in the last three months, including the retirement of two judges and the court executive officer, essentially putting a whole new admin in place. I found very quickly how stressed I was when opening my online course to look and see what was going to be expected of me. I must admit, I thought it was going to be a little of a cake walk (there go those expectation:) . It was not, the work load was massive for my schedule right now and I could feel my tension growing. I kept putting pressure on myself, starting spinning out of control, pure fear that I would fail. I then realized something. I will be working at my current job for a minimum of 9 more years. I have time, something I never have allowed myself once I get an idea or goal, got to get it done, done as quickly as possible and with outstanding grades. I prayed about it, and realized I had not purchased my books yet and that I would drop one class. Before the end of the week, I dropped them all. I have the book for one of the classes and will start that in the Summer semester and see how I do with online courses.<br />
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I guess my point in all this gibberish is that I allowed myself a break from the very high expectations I placed on myself at this point. I just had surgery, just returned to work this past week and have a 12 day vacation planned in February, I simply am not in the right frame of mind to start my schooling. I realized it was not my priority right now. My priority is to work on my program on a daily basis. This is something I have a hard time with. I need to treat my program like a class that I really enjoy with some homework. The class is the meetings, sponsor meetings, counseling meetings and this blog. The homework is always where I get stuck. That is the follow-through work, the reading, the meditation, the self care, etc. When I am on track and doing the best I can, I see and feel the positive changes it makes in my life. So again, I am learning that I can still return to school, but it is not an emergency for me, and I want to return to school and enjoy it this time around. I want it to be on my terms, not because I need to hash out a career path so I can pay bills and support my son as a single mom. I have the freedom to never return to school again if I so choose. It is not all or nothing, and the more I am learning that, the better I feel about myself and trust myself. It is a great feeling.<br />
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Blessings to you all,<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-27138497394489496832011-01-10T01:08:00.000-08:002011-01-10T01:08:17.157-08:00Banging Your Head Against the Wall Over and Over<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.pchenry.com/resources/blogs/2010/0309/BangingHead.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.pchenry.com/resources/blogs/2010/0309/BangingHead.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Tonight I was doing some reading out of my "Hope for Today" and flipped to a reading that really struck me. I will not quote it completely verbatim but loosely. <br />
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Could it be that all the pain and suffering I have been going through with Z for the past several years could have all been his fault? Through Al-anon meetings, my sponsor and counseling sessions I have come to understand that I must take responsibility for my own peace and happiness.<br />
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Early in my own recovery I would often bring the same questions/problems to my sponsor, counselor or bring them up in meetings. I would often liken it to hitting my head against the same wall over and over, that is what it felt like what I was doing. I kept trying to "fix" the problems of my son's addiction by doing the same exact thing every time without it ever working, sometimes making things much worse. <br />
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From today's reading there is an expression that was given that reads "an addicts behavior and your response the first time it happens is a fluke, second is a coincidence, and three times is a <u><b>pattern</b></u>."<br />
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What did this mean for me? If I was still suffering in reaction to Z's specific behavior that has happened over three times, I needed to stop hoping the behavior would cease and instead, detach and start changing my attitudes, expectations and responses.<br />
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I have been able to see my own suffering was as a result of my own reactions to others which has helped me to be aware of my contribution to the problem. Sometimes my part is bringing up something better left unsaid (like hey son, you look a little pale today; oh, so you are really doing well even though your pupils look like pin needles), etc. Or sometimes I would start a serious conversation at an inappropriate time (this happened too many times to count and at too many locations to list). Other times my part is harboring unrealistic expectations of others (especially Z) and of myself also. When I am willing and aware and can see my part of the <u><b>pattern</b></u>, I can choose to respond in a way that will not cause me suffering. There is no need to suffer because of the behaviors of others, I can only change my responses and attitude, which allows me to enjoy my own life.<br />
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"Thought for the Day": The next time I react to another's behavior, I'll ask myself how many times I've reacted the same way before. (If I am always reacting, then I am never free)"<br />
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I must say that a little over a year ago, if you would have told me I would be writing something like this I would have thought you were a little crazy. I mean come on, me being the problem, he is the addict! What responsibility other than the guilt of creating an addict (which I know now is not my fault). The relationship I had with my son one year ago is so very different than the one I have with him today. We laugh and joke, I almost never get up in his life journey (notice I said almost as we all slip). The <u><b>pattern</b></u> talked about above in the reading is so very true and I believe one of the most important elements in parents moving forward from their pain over their addicted loved one and the addict taking responsibility for their own journey and path they are on. The <u><b>pattern</b></u> between Z and I was completely diseased for many years. I don't think it has changed his addiction, but it has changed our relationship and a much deeper understanding of each other, compassion for each other and boundaries that are understood by each other. I thank God and am so grateful for getting to a place where it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I choose to have a relationship with my son whether he is clean or sober, again with boundaries. He knows not to come to my home completely stoned out of his mind anymore. Most days when I speak with him I can actually understand his words now and we both speak with much more respect towards one another. This has made a HUGE difference in both of our lives, how happy we are, how much more peaceful life is and how much we love each other openly. Acceptance that my son could be an active addict for the rest of his life, grieving that and then deciding if I wanted him in my life on life's terms was essential to me getting to this place. Z is doing better than he has in years and is proud of himself. I am doing better than I have in years and am also proud of myself. I think for me, this is what it is about. <br />
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So much gratitude to this blog community, my sponsor, my counselor and the Al-Anon program for helping me to get this far. To helping me break the <u><b>pattern</b></u>.<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-88752871561375282772011-01-04T17:35:00.000-08:002011-01-04T17:35:15.370-08:00Falling off the Beam<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.recoverybridge.org/On%20and%20Off%20the%20Beam.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.recoverybridge.org/On%20and%20Off%20the%20Beam.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>So it has been quite some time since I have posted on my long lost blog. I miss my blogging and the community that follows. I do pop in sometimes and read you all, but lately I am feeling a bit off the beam and I need the support. My family group and local Al-anon group have all but shut down and I always felt that this blogging community was like going to a meeting anyways! I will attempt to start writing more so I can move forward in my growth.<br />
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Z is living in the next town up from us, working and living with his fiance that he met in rehab. They are attempting to get an apartment of their own and we have worked on our own relationship quite a bit. I have finally realized that things are not going to be what I expect or want them to be, but as they are. Z knows my boundaries and I am more accepting of him and his choices. We have spent time together at the holidays and it was really nice. I believe he is still using but that it his stuff, his road to travel and I have plenty on my own road.<br />
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Off work for a couple of weeks from yet another surgery and am healing nicely. I am struggling however with trying to set myself up some type of recovery schedule. My sleep schedule is completely off and has been for years. My meditation skills need much work. I find that I am placing quite a bit of expectation on myself and my recovery even though I know it is practice, not perfection. So here I sit with some time to work on myself and finding myself sitting and watching TV all day when I am not asleep. Feeling a little toxic, I know it seems as though I am stuck in the land of self pity today. Hmmm, something to think about. I believe I will go off and meditate on that and make myself a nice long gratitude list, then call my sponsor. <br />
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Happy New Year everyone!<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-13653171504102368982010-09-06T00:50:00.000-07:002010-09-06T00:50:26.198-07:00To Let Go<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://thegoodelife.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c977453ef0120a6722d82970b-800wi" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" ox="true" src="http://thegoodelife.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c977453ef0120a6722d82970b-800wi" width="320" /></a></div>To Let Go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.<br />
To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.<br />
To Let Go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.<br />
To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.<br />
To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.<br />
To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.<br />
To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.<br />
To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcome.<br />
To Let Go is not to be protective, it is to permit others to face reality.<br />
To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.<br />
To Let Go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.<br />
To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.<br />
To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.<br />
To Let Go is to fear less and love more.<br />
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Someone shared this with me some time back. I had a hard day and happened to pull it out of my drawer and read it. It helped me today and I hope it touches someone else who may need it.<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-87642517827842508192010-08-03T16:56:00.000-07:002010-08-03T16:56:07.695-07:00Waiting WorksJust a quick note to say Hi and share something I went through today. I have been missing my son and haven't heard from him in about five days. He is still living in the town about 30 minutes from us, states he is working, still on Suboxone as he can afford it and hanging with the girlfriend from rehab. Although I know he has relapsed on a few days I have seen him, I know he also has his good days....his business, his recovery. <br />
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Anyways, today I was missing him, wondering about how he is doing and just wanting to hear his voice, but struggling with whether I should "dial for pain". I held off, read some blogs and comments, prayed and prayed and focused on my work. A few minutes later, I received a text message from him with a super cute picture of him and his girlfriend. It touched me that God had sent me something to relived my mind to some degree. I texted him that it was a nice picture and that he looked happy and went on with my day.<br />
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He just called me and we had the best 20 minute conversation of our lives. Nothing negative, all positive and all about what we were up to individually, nothing about his addiction. It was fantastic and I feel so happy just from that little bit of wonderful conversation with my son. <br />
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Sometimes if we sit back and wait, wait it out when we aren't sure what to do, and pray, things have a way of just coming to us and working out. <br />
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Reading and commenting when I can, miss you all! <br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-60363920325913126422010-07-30T15:09:00.000-07:002010-07-30T15:09:18.999-07:00LOVE/FEARI love the following two acronyms about Love and Fear:<br />
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LOVE = Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve<br />
FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real<br />
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Just a little share and a reminder to myself to step out of the way of my son's path so he can evolve, and to watch those expectations because they can easily bring about the fear.<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-45668685977927367252010-07-23T09:50:00.000-07:002010-07-23T09:50:41.913-07:00Prayers that help me for those that pray<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/assets/images/woman%20praying%20silhoutte.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" hw="true" src="http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/assets/images/woman%20praying%20silhoutte.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I know I said I am taking off for the Summer but I will post a few times I believe...I just felt the need to post this today. I found a couple of prayers that spoke to me and make me feel at ease during the darker times. I will share them both below:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: red;">#1</span><br />
Dear God<br />
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My heart is aching and I need your strength.<br />
I pray that You will fill my heart with love and courage and strength; I pray that you will let me feel your presence in this dark time.<br />
I pray that my child will feel how much love surrounds him/her.<br />
I feel boundless love for him. I think of him as a little boy splashing in the tub, and my heart breaks to see him as he has become. I love him so much, and I know that You love him more than I ever can.<br />
Please, let him feel this love.<br />
Please let him use this love to break free from drugs.<br />
Please show both of us the path we must walk.<br />
Amen<br />
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<span style="color: red;">#2</span><br />
Dear God<br />
I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without your help and guidance. <br />
I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my needs today. <br />
Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have decided to give them to You. <br />
I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.<br />
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings,my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan.<br />
Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.<br />
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care <br />
for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them. <br />
If they need changing, God You'll have to do it; I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best. Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly. I am seeking to know You better, to love You more.I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out.Lord, teach me patience, <br />
and remind me that it is hard work, but well worth the labor. Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need You,You will be there to help me.<br />
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Amen<br />
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We will for always remember our grown children as the innocent laughing souls they were, and it hurts us deeply when we see them in pain. Pray for love; pray that they feel God's love.<br />
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I pray you all have a wonderful joy-filled day! <br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-88090799416850634782010-07-19T09:03:00.000-07:002010-07-19T09:03:56.491-07:00Taking a BreakI have not posted here in over a month. I have been trying to stay caught up in reading your posts and sometimes commenting. I will continue to do that but am going to take a break from posting on my blog until Summer has concluded. I have had many plans on the weekends that have taken me away from my computer and I just feel I need a break. I will be back though, just a warning;) Love and peace, ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-64544297612627602412010-06-28T21:09:00.000-07:002010-06-28T21:09:15.271-07:00Share of an Important PostI was over at "Her Big Sad's" blog today and read the best post! I think it is a must read for any parent with a child suffering from addiction. Here is the link:<br />
<a href="http://herbigsad.blogspot.com/2010/06/two-posts-in-day-sheesh.html">http://herbigsad.blogspot.com/2010/06/two-posts-in-day-sheesh.html</a>The neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-20140848666554467492010-06-21T09:59:00.000-07:002010-06-21T09:59:14.145-07:00Post at "INTERVENE...A Community for Parents"I wrote a short piece some time back for the blog "INTERVENE...A Community for Parents". I have posted the link below for those interested in checking it out. I think the site is a great source of information for parents of addicts.<br />
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<a href="http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/06/overcoming-denial-finding-myself-again-amidst-my-son%e2%80%99s-drug-addiction/">http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/06/overcoming-denial-finding-myself-again-amidst-my-son%e2%80%99s-drug-addiction/</a>The neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-33297914757853599642010-06-21T09:48:00.000-07:002010-06-21T09:48:55.589-07:00A second job and some slips?I will make this post short as I am at work. My son now has two jobs, the one at Jack in the Box and another full time job in the daytime putting up awnings for patios. He is working seven days a week from 8-4 p.m. and will maybe work a couple of evenings at the other place. He is also playing softball for an NA team on Friday nights, so this is all positive but does not leave a lot of time for his program and he is still pretty fresh.<br />
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I picked him up for a BBQ we had for Father's Day yesterday. He has a "girlfriend" who also recently went through the same rehab he did but is now living in a woman's sober living house. It smells like trouble to me and I overheard him talking to his sponsor in the car, sounds like he is discouraging it, but Z isn't having it. She seems nice but has many heavy issues and her drug of choice is the same as <span class="goog-spellcheck-word" style="background: yellow;">Z's</span>. He also seemed a bit "off" last night, like he was high. I am not sure if <span class="goog-spellcheck-word" style="background: yellow;">Suboxone</span> can make someone seem high or not. I am supposed to talk to the doctor/nurse that is supplying him with it so they can clear up some questions for me. I tried to bite my tongue and did a pretty good job of it. The girl came with him to dinner and it all went well, he was just off at the end of the night. <br />
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It makes me a bit nervous, but I will just continue to pray and let go, pray, and let go......Not my business, keep my own side of the street clean. Stay out of his way, so he can live out his journey in God's will and time, not mine. Whew, hard sometimes, but I am getting better at taking care of me. <br />
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Just felt I had to get this out. Hope everyone is doing well, I have been reading and posting comments often. Going to a meeting tonight and family group on Wednesday, sponsor call on Tuesday, hoping to start my first step. <br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-49859938351462488802010-06-16T13:33:00.000-07:002010-06-16T13:35:21.422-07:00He got a job<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://frugalpoontater.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/t_jackbig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" qu="true" src="http://frugalpoontater.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/t_jackbig.jpg" width="230" /></a></div><br />
I returned to work this Monday after two weeks off from surgery. The second week off I was feeling better and worked on some spiritual reading and prayer. I was so positive from that and felt better each day. I will continue to work on it daily it just won't be as much time as I was able to do. I find that I have been feeling a bit resentful since last night of little stuff. I really need to search myself on this, because I get angry with my loved ones (husband lately) over small stuff that is really about resentment. Then I figure it out and relay that to him. I just have really noticed that I have a pretty big problem with resentment and the "it's not fair" type of stuff. Pity party time!! Ha:) <br />
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On a lighter note Z called the other day and got a job, first one in probably a couple of years. I am very happy for him and told him how proud we were. He downplayed it because it is at Jack in the Box, but I told him a job is a job, who cares, plus he likes their food...he laughed and said "well that is true". He says he will continue looking for a better job while he works. As of late at work, many parents are sharing their pride in their kids graduating and going off to college or great jobs. I, as I am sure many of you also do, sit quietly and listen, never sharing about my boy. So I am happy to share here with you all since you understand how proud I am of him today.<br />
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Not posting a lot, trying to get back in the groove of the work thing, but am reading and trying to comment. Hope you all have a great rest of the week.<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-87865520779316890592010-06-11T01:55:00.000-07:002010-06-11T18:32:50.000-07:00Family Dinner/Suboxone and the NeedleToday was my husband's birthday. I made him a carrot cake with creme cheese frosting from scratch (turned out yummy). We all ended up going to an old favorite steak house of the family. Since my son lives in the town where this restaurant is located he agreed to get there early and get us a table, which worked out nice. Everyone got along at the dinner and much laughter was had by all. Our boys seemed to find some peace and that made our evening very special.<br />
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My son shared a few things with me at dinner that were pretty private. He went today to get tested for AIDS, Hep. C, etc. He seemed a bit concerned. I did ask him "well you never shot up did you:?" He has always told me he never had, nor would. Tonight he shared he had, said only a few times, but that probably means one too many times for my little ol heart to be comfortable with. I didn't respond much and he also indicated he is currently on suboxone. He has been attending many meetings and does have a sponsor and is working on step one. He is living in a sober living house. So the needle and suboxone things took me off guard. He stated that the doctor who prescribes the suboxone is all for family support and will meet with any interested family at any time to explain the drug and answer any fears. I know quite a bit about suboxone but told my son I thought that would be a great idea and lets set that up. He was calm, polite, funny and seemed happier and healthier than he has in quite some time. To be truthful with all of you, even though I let him speak, offered the kind "hmm", or that's good type of response, I am scared about the needles and the suboxone, but I know there is nothing I can do but continue to give him over to HIS higher power and let go, live in the present and enjoy the many blessings of today.The neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-28090310840507988782010-06-09T02:25:00.000-07:002010-06-09T02:25:46.889-07:00Thoughts of Madison and broken heart for KatieMany of you who have blogged for awhile will remember Madison. She had to retire from our blogging community for personal reasons, but I do miss her terribly. She had such a beautiful way with words, so soothing and would always make me feel safe and hopeful. I remember she put an analogy on one of her posts and I can't quote it verbatim but it was something like the following:<br />
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"My husband and I have a "pretend" mote around our house. When our addicts shows decides to show up with what will invariably be some type of drama or request for services, we decide if we will choose to put the draw bridge down over the mote to let them in. It is a way for us to keep the peace in our house, keep our boundaries and ourselves safe."<br />
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I just loved it along with practically everything else she would share. So for those that remember Madison, send her a loving thought and maybe she will feel us all thinking of her beautiful soul. <br />
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On another note, I have been following a blog that I believe Sherry alerted me to. I have been reading for about a month now and it is a tragic story of a family loss of their addicted son. The mother's name is Katie and she is a professional blogger. Her writing is so raw and honest, fearless. She is truly an inspiration to me, I just want to reach out to her somehow. Please check out her personal blog which follows her son Henry's beating and overdose, along with his month long battle in the hospital before his death. Now they are having some issues with the criminal investigation over the beating that are proving to be very frustrating. She shares with such love, you end up knowing Henry like he is a neighbor kid or a friend of the family. I feel truly blessed that she is sharing her story. The beginning of Henry's tragic end starts <a href="http://mamapundit.com/2010/04/the-worst-of-times/">here</a>. Please stop by if you get a chance to read through her beautiful yet painful blog and offer her some support. I will continue to follow her and forever be changed by her story.<br />
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Thanks everyone, and Madison, if you are out there in disguise, stop by and just say Hi....I will know:) The neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-85009589372699349962010-06-04T00:37:00.000-07:002010-06-04T00:37:55.040-07:00Update on several past postsI was reading some of my older posts to review the journey I have been on, the support I have received and to just reflect. I wanted to give a quick update from some of those posts as I know I like to know how your loved ones and you are doing after some type of situation/crisis. I wanted you all to know that I did not break on the cell phone and my son to date does not have his turned on. Surprise, he is able to get a hold of his sponsor on a daily basis, which I figured. I did offer to purchase him some bus passes (he did not ask me for this). He was excited about that and thought it would be a good idea since he will need to be looking for work. He has settled into the sober living house but thinks his cash aid will not come through due to the possibility of the hanging felony (which will be dropped if he completes his probation). We discussed that and he stated he has a month to find work so I am hoping he can find something. I did purchase his N.A. books for him and we bought him a few groceries for the sober living place. I do not feel like I am enabling him with doing these things, maybe I am, but it felt good to offer something to him that I was o.k. with and had no expectations from. When he is working hard at his sobriety, I find myself wanting to offer some type of "hand up" to him, something I can live with. <br />
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I had to go to the town where he is living today for my post op appointment and we stopped by and took Z for a burger, then dropped him off at the rehab facility for a meeting. I am really starting to try and work on myself. I have a great sponsor, am finishing a reading assignment and hope to start working my steps soon. My relationship with God has become stronger and I find great comfort at the family group Al-Anon meetings I am attending. <br />
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I look back at my past posts and see the growth that both myself and my son have gone through. I know we both have a long way to go and really there is no true destination, it is just a continued growing and learning process of life. I am starting to allow some hope into my life, some positivity, which has long been missing. I look forward to the work ahead of me and working on myself instead of distracting my own issues with trying to fix other people. I don't think I would be to this point without having found this blogging community. My truth growth and open mindedness started with this blog and all of you. I love you guys! <br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-4341621708246300902010-06-03T00:43:00.000-07:002010-06-03T00:43:33.825-07:00You're Fired!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/15720/you_re_fired.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="320" src="http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/15720/you_re_fired.jpg" width="305" /></a></div>I went to my counseling meeting and family group meeting tonight. I shared at both that I am now so aware of my negative future projective thinking and it is scary how much time I can spend doing it! As you know my son is now out of the rehab in in a sober living facility. He has 41 days clean and he seems to really be giving it his best. I have noticed lately that I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to be let down yet again. I have been thinking soooo much that I have even questioned how good my distraction methods are, how good my prayer is, blah, blah, blah...I could go on forever. <br />
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Anyways, my counselor told me basically it wasn't rocket science and when I caught myself thinking obsessively, then to distract with any number of the tools I have learned. So then I go off to the family meeting and share my frustration at how crazy I feel and how hard it is to stop the stupid thoughts. A woman at the meeting who is a recovering addict said several things that made since to me. She is a tough woman who has four years clean and likes to tell it like it is. She said when I am thinking uncontrolably, to not only give it to my higher power but to realize they are just thoughts and go to the mirror, look at myself and say "you're fired". I LOVE this, it just says it all. I am fired, I suck at being the boss and need to let the true boss, God, take over (not that I was ever truly in control). <br />
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I hope I am not rambling too much but I was just super excited by this little gem and had to share, hope it helps someone else out there with "stinking thinking". <br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-24309339329137846852010-06-01T12:20:00.000-07:002010-06-01T12:20:57.106-07:00Another New ParentPlease stop by to show this <a href="http://theaddictinmyhouse.blogspot.com/">Mom</a> some support.The neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-51255967339937701332010-06-01T12:01:00.000-07:002010-06-01T12:01:44.134-07:00Trying to have Patience!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/files/u115/patience.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" gu="true" height="240" src="http://www.psychologytoday.com/files/u115/patience.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I have never been a very patient person, especially when it comes to my own healing. This is something I must work on and learn to just accept. I am feeling pretty icky after the surgery, not sure if it is the antibiotics or pain meds, but something is making me feel yucky. I know, I know, just had surgery Renee, takes time. I have been resting a lot, doing pretty much nothing but what I am told, but still struggling just releasing into it and letting time heal me, somehow I fight even being down. <br />
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Update on Z. He left the Rehab after 38 days yesterday to a sober living house 30 minutes from where we live in the next town over. As you may recall he was only able to get funding for 30 days through his probation/drug program because he was "doing so well" on the Prop. 36 program. The rehab gave him and extra 8 days and the sober living house is working with him until his assistance/job come through. I am proud of him for making these choices and proud of me for giving him the dignity to do it on his own, in his own power without any of my real "help" or "fixing". I am nervous and continue to fight negative future projecting thoughts. I know that all I have is the NOW, and that is the only thing. Right NOW my son is living on his own terms in a sober living house with 39 days clean. That is it. I pray each and every day that God keep providing my son with good solid mentors and support people to assist in his conquering his addiction. I ask the same for myself with my codependent issues. My son does have a sponsor and is working the steps. All I can do is have hope this is his time to get well and let it go. <br />
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I have been reading a lot and trying to comment. So much going on with everyone. I wanted to thank Dad for his post <a href="http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/05/face-value-entitlements-and-horror.html">here</a>, it was very helpful and the dialogue we all have is so important to our growth. I have grown so much since I first started blogging, it is fascinating to me to go back and read earlier posts compared to current posts. It gives me hope. I have not been writing as much as I am trying to heal physically, but you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during my down time, now please just pray that I will have the patience to give myself time to heal. Hope you all have a great week ahead.<br />
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Much Love and gratitude to you all.<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-79359573888210090542010-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:002010-05-27T20:58:04.901-07:00And the grief work & guilt continuesI went to the family group meeting at the rehab my son is at last night with my husband. It was odd but last night everyone seemed to be in a down funky mood. Much was discussed about mothers/fathers and our relationships with them, or lack thereof, the regrets for mistakes made and taking parents for granted. After the meeting we spoke with my son and of course he asked me for something, it just seems never ending. He wanted to do some work for us to get his cell phone turned on for a month. He is leaving the rehab on Monday for a sober living house. He told me he needed the phone because he would be looking for work and he couldn't give out the house number to prospective employers. He told me he wouldn't be able to call his sponsor everyday or stay in touch with us. I told him no and he became upset and we parted. He called after we arrived home to apologize and then explain some more why he needed the phone, I again said I couldn't help him with it. He called back again and it ended badly. By the third phone call I almost didn't answer, but I did. He apologized again, but much more sincerely and we left it at that. I cried all the way home. As a mother, it just doesn't feel right ever to tell my son I can't help him with something, even if I know he is probably lying to me about the need. I held my ground, but I am sad. I am sad that I have to question every move I make with him to keep myself in check, make sure I am not enabling, not reacting out of my own fear, or fear of feeling guilt and fear. It has been exhausting saying no but I am getting through it. I just pray that I will get better at knowing when I should say no and when I should reach out and lend a hand. <br />
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Surgery in the morning, thank you all for the well wishes, say a prayer around 10 am PST for me:) I will be checking in while I am off work and miss you all.<br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-28587443805764128032010-05-25T22:17:00.000-07:002010-05-25T22:17:17.236-07:00Down TimeIt is interesting to me that I haven't posted anything recently as much has been going on. I think I am just really tired, I have had stuff going on after work lately, and trying to just work on myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am isolating when I don't post--then I realize I am just darn tired! <br />
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I am having surgery this Friday on my sinuses and will be off work for a bit, so I am hoping after some much needed rest, I will be able to catch up here. I have been reading and trying to post comments (certain blogs I am unable to post comments on at work, others I can). Please know that I am reading and you are all in my thoughts daily.<br />
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I have been going to meetings and have found the family group meeting at <span class="goog-spellcheck-word" style="background: yellow;">Z's</span> rehab to be my new "home meeting" even though it is farther away and later in the evening, it is where I get my needs met the most. I am hitting some local meetings and it has been very helpful. I used to think that the 12 step program just wasn't for me, that I didn't really need the help, my son needed the help. Then <strike>a lightning bolt hit me in the head</strike> I hit my bottom and that all changed. It is amazing to me that just by being open minded and willing to try and work the program the changes it has brought for me. <br />
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My son visited us on a pass Sunday and there were some difficult moments. I was pretty much up in his stuff and things were getting muddled. I realized after a bit that I was reacting out of my own fear and insecurities and picked up the phone and called my sponsor. I am so proud of myself for doing that, it is amazing how we don't ask for help for ourselves and how uncomfortable that is in the beginning, but boy did it help! Bottom line is I want a relationship with my son, whether he is using or not, working or not, whatever or not. That does not have to include enabling him and I look forward to accepting more, being more willing and learning how to detach with love, to love him no matter what, but still not getting in his way. O.K. so now I am rambling:) I will try to write more because there is so much to share. I love sharing with my online support family, you guys Rock! <br />
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ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-90481204922122459672010-05-18T08:15:00.000-07:002010-05-18T09:43:46.159-07:00He is taking some action!<a href="http://www.spiritualriver.com/wordpress-2.0.4/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/inMotion.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 422px; height: 284px;" src="http://www.spiritualriver.com/wordpress-2.0.4/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/inMotion.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />So I met with Z and his counselor last night at the Rehab. Of course I prayed all the way there for stength to hold my boundaries in place and was ready to give him what I could offer. I had the phone number to the free sober living facility that is up in the mountains about an hour from our town and also some info on Teen Challenge in Sacramento. I hugged my son when I saw him and it felt so great. I was able to tell him that I placed the boundary about him not coming to live with us for my own personal health and my reasons, not to punish him or because I didn't love him. He seemed proud that he was working on a solution. He will be signing up for general assistance this Wednesday and hopefully that will come through so he can enter the sober living house that he and his counselor have agreed would suit his needs best. He has talked to his probation drug and alcohol counselor who is on board and will be talking to his probation officer to see about getting another probation officer in the county he is currently in to cross watch him. They would then check in on him and report to his current probation officer, allowing him to finish much of his prop. 36 probation requirements in the other county. He is about 30 minutes from where we live in a larger community. I was a bit surprised and delighted for him and me.<br /><br />He and I struggled a few times during this two hour meeting. I can see we are both triggers for each other, which is kind of sad. I walked away realizing just how sick in my co-dependency I am. I realized several things I said to him made him uneasy and vice/versa. We have had a pretty unhealthy relationship for quite some time and we will have to learn to relate to each other in a respectful manner with boundaries. It was an eye opener replaying it after I left, to see that I am possibly sicker in my communication ways with him than he is. I have work to do, but am willing to do it, so that is key. Overall, I left and we hugged, said our I love yous and out he went. I will pray that the best thing for him will come to pass and that I will have the courage and strength to work hard on my own recovery. <br /><br />I thank you all for reading and helping me through the gray stuff. It just isn't always black and white! I have been reading all your blogs and posting comments when I can. Some of your blogs I can't post a comment from work. I will be trying to catch up on those in the next couple of nights (Syd and Barbara for sure). Much gratitude to you all, you are all part of my blog family and I cherish you.<br /><br />ReneeThe neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11199221663659821.post-67728807921794918922010-05-14T09:22:00.001-07:002010-05-17T15:18:06.308-07:00Rehab Poll UpdateUpdate on Rehab Poll--Wow, I am astonished at all the comments the poll from my previous post brought in. I am meeting with my son and his drug counselor at the State ran rehab tonight and am a little nervous. As you know, his funding has ran out, I spoke with his counselor on the phone on Friday and asked him if Z could get a job to pay. Because he is on probation and the rehab is in another county, he said that the logistics of that would not work when it came to probation and his finding work, transportation to and from, etc. I obsessed about it, went to a meeting on Friday night and have tried not to think about it, just trying to give it to God. I am going with an open mind and see what happens in the moment. His "other" drug counselor from probation called me today and did state that the unlicensed sober living place way up in the hills close to our area is free, and he would pick him up from rehab and take him up there next Monday if Z agreed to go. I also printed out a couple of other options, the info for the Teen Challenge in Sacramento and another place that is also a year long faith based program, to give to him. I may not end up giving them to him, I want to hear what, if anything, he has done to secure a place. There is a part of me (probably the co-dependent or mother part) that wants to see if they will take payments or discount the cost of his current rehab for an extended 30 days. The counselor did ask me what if anything I could afford, and I have to admit I struggled with that. I mean, on one hand the counselors encourage you to stay out of the way, then on the other they try to get your money, which I am told is getting in his way!
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<br />I have to say, I will be re-reading all the comments from this poll and I like that Syd threw in a bit of old school twist (that is what I thought when I read it). I remember when I was younger, there were no rehabs, at least that I knew of. They say statistically it is 10 percent successful rate, but then they say every time they go it is important to their recovery. For an obsessive codependent, this makes it all the more confusing. I am just going to trust that God will guide me tomorrow, I have to, can't think about it to death.
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<br />On another note, I did Relay for Life this year, my first time. I was co-captain of two teams, bit off a bit much for my first go around. It was so moving and inspirational and I was able to grieve and rejoice with others that had been through watching a loved one go through the terrible death cancer can bring. I can't say enough about my weekend and how it touched me to my soul, other than I haven't slept since Friday night and am exhausted. Our county raised $162,000.00 for the cause this year, the most they have ever raised. I am proud of that.
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<br />I thank you all for your comments and hope this poll helped someone other than myself. Your input is always of great value to me.
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<br />Renee</em></em></strong>
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<br />The neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.com18