It's been awhile!

Well it has been a pretty long time since I have written anything here and so much has transpired it would take me a year to put it all in writing. I have been checking in and reading some of your blogs and always know there is a family here for me when I need it. Z has been through hell and back too many times in the last few years. He was sent to prison in June 2011 and was released X-mas Eve in 2012. He completed his parole, worked two jobs, retained his long lost driver license and bought his own car. It hasn't taken long for the car to be wrecked, three jobs lost, girlfriend being homeless and somehow I lost my sense and strength. Z and his GF have been staying at my house off and on, staying somewhat clean for about a month. Last night I advised the GF she must do something and she is set to enter a rehab in Reno within the next two days, just waiting to see about transportation there. Z is not interested in any sort of rehab. He has always resisted faith based rehabs which is heartbreaking to me. I have given him two options, the best I believe being Delancey Place in SF. Needless to say he is not interested and I advised him he needs to leave in the next couple of days. He has no other family to go to now and my heart is ripped out of my chest kicking him to the streets. Today I am feeling numb and just realize that this may never end for him as he has been using every drug under the sun for 10 years now, except the few times he has had clean time, prison and some at home. That same fear that I am sending him out to OD and die is always there, can't seem to shake that one. He has OD so many times and survived I think he must feel invincible although he states that is not the case. He started taking an antidepressant in the last couple of days and swears he will try that and if it doesn't work he will consider rehab. Somehow my inner self tells me that is just BS and I need to continue with the plan to make him homeless. And then there is the mother in me that wants so badly to believe him. I know better...UGH! I hope you are all doing well and I know life just goes along no matter what we are dealing with. I continue to pray for many of you out there and have never forgotten that you have all been a special part of my life and are truly some of the only people that will ever know what I am going through and how I feel, and for that I am super grateful. Much love...Renee