October 8, 2014

It's been awhile!

Well it has been a pretty long time since I have written anything here and so much has transpired it would take me a year to put it all in writing. I have been checking in and reading some of your blogs and always know there is a family here for me when I need it. Z has been through hell and back too many times in the last few years. He was sent to prison in June 2011 and was released X-mas Eve in 2012. He completed his parole, worked two jobs, retained his long lost driver license and bought his own car. It hasn't taken long for the car to be wrecked, three jobs lost, girlfriend being homeless and somehow I lost my sense and strength. Z and his GF have been staying at my house off and on, staying somewhat clean for about a month. Last night I advised the GF she must do something and she is set to enter a rehab in Reno within the next two days, just waiting to see about transportation there. Z is not interested in any sort of rehab. He has always resisted faith based rehabs which is heartbreaking to me. I have given him two options, the best I believe being Delancey Place in SF. Needless to say he is not interested and I advised him he needs to leave in the next couple of days. He has no other family to go to now and my heart is ripped out of my chest kicking him to the streets. Today I am feeling numb and just realize that this may never end for him as he has been using every drug under the sun for 10 years now, except the few times he has had clean time, prison and some at home. That same fear that I am sending him out to OD and die is always there, can't seem to shake that one. He has OD so many times and survived I think he must feel invincible although he states that is not the case. He started taking an antidepressant in the last couple of days and swears he will try that and if it doesn't work he will consider rehab. Somehow my inner self tells me that is just BS and I need to continue with the plan to make him homeless. And then there is the mother in me that wants so badly to believe him. I know better...UGH! I hope you are all doing well and I know life just goes along no matter what we are dealing with. I continue to pray for many of you out there and have never forgotten that you have all been a special part of my life and are truly some of the only people that will ever know what I am going through and how I feel, and for that I am super grateful. Much love...Renee


Tori said...

Well we have been in this hell for about the same time. My son's DOC is H but he did turn to Meth for a few months and now back to H. But he likes everything - he just wants to be high.

I feel your pain - making my son leave was so damn difficult and it still is. Sadly though it is so much more peaceful without him here.

I keep remembering what other recovering addicts tell me, "Give him the gift of desperation."

But that hasn't worked so far. He has no interest in sobriety at all and is got even worse after we made him leave. Almost like he felt he now has nothing to lose so he might as well go all out - selling, transporting and has a whole new group of friends that are worse than the last set.

I have start to do a little research about Smart Recovery which is an alternative to the 12 steps. I am not sure if it is faith based or not.

I am making a list of rehabs that are free and meetings, etc. to give to my son.

Glad you wrote!

Annette said...

Renee I am so happy to see you back here with us....in the trenches. lol I am not happy that you still have a need to blog, but happy to hear from you and happy that I haven't lost my mind yet and can still be here too, to open the porch door and invite you in and offer you a cup of coffee thick with cream. Your son (and you by virtue of loving him) has been through a lot the past few years. I am amazed at how powerful addiction is. Please keep writing! I love having you here....

Athena said...

Hugs, Renee - you are in my thoughts. I haven't updated in a long time either but it's nice to know the outlet and support via blogging is here. Keep moving forward and trust your gut / instincts

Anonymous said...

I hadn't updated my blog in a few years either. Sometimes it just feels so futile to keep writing about the same things (different day lol) over and over. And yet, the support felt here and the opportunity to vent is such a huge help.
We all have to do whatever feels right for us and our families. And what is right one day may not be right the next. The important thing is that we help ourselves to survive this hell.