May 30, 2011

Vulnerable and Sad

Hi everyone, long time no post! 

I have been traveling around tonight checking in on some of my blog families and it made me realize I am having a bit of a hard time myself right now. 

I stopped in over at Heather's Mom's blog and came to a few realizations.  I was reminded of how often I am too busy to take care of myself.  Too busy to blog or work on my own issues.  It is a coping mechanism I have used my whole life, stay busy so I don't have to look at my own sadness or anger or accept that my son is an active opiate addict and may stay that way or get well, but I have no power in the situation.  I have known this about myself for quite awhile but often get "too busy" to do anything about it, to keep it in check or just plain surrender and allow myself to just rest.  I can be sitting still and be busy.  It is an excuse that keeps me numb and stuck.  I can beat myself up all over the place, am doing some of that in this post, but at some point I hope my awareness pushes me to help myself more and more. 

I paid Sherry a visit also tonight.  I was reminded of the many times I tried to rescue my mother from the abuse of my addicted brothers and her severe co-dependence.    I was reminded of how many of us go through so much addiction and co-dependency growing up and the cycle it creates.  The sadness of watching my mother for years be verbally and sometimes physically abused is still stuck in that hard, black rock feeling in the pit of my stomach...the place I keep many things and that which keeps my body from flowing in a healthy way. 

I also stopped by Lisa's blog tonight and was reminded that even when our addicted kids get healthy and have some recovery behind them, it doesn't make everything all better, sometimes we allow life to just get in our way of happiness.  I have been pretty sad lately, thinking it is probably depression.  I lack motivation to get up and go to work, exercise, eat right, or even visit with my husband at night.  I find myself isolating but have been telling myself it is what I need right now.  I am on an anti-depressant, minerals, vitamins, etc., but sometimes the blues just want to stick around.  I am trying to allow myself a certain amount of wallowing but at times am in fear that it will swallow me. 

I have been going to Al-anon meetings once a week and sometimes lead the meeting.  I am not doing my meditation or reading and it shows in this post.  I really think God led me to this blog again tonight, to help me remind myself what I already know. 

My son is still actively using, not sure exactly what as he lives 30 miles from me.   He is depressed and still living with the girl he met in rehab who is also actively using.  They are using prescription pills for sure and I suspect my son may be using herion as the oxycontin is getting quite scarce and expensive.  I think he finally understands that I am distancing myself from him to some degree.  I hear that desperation in his voice when I talk with him.  He asked if he and the girlfriend could come and stay next weekend at our house, no drugs and just to visit.  I told him I would not help him financially as they both lost their jobs and will probably be homeless soon.  I try to spend time with him when I can for as long as I can stand it.  I try really hard to accept him as he is, but as you all know, that is a hard, hard thing. 

I really have a ton to be grateful for.  After almost a year with my sponsor, I still do a gratitude list and try to work the Al-anon program, but my old coping skills (disease) like to pop up and distract me...keep me good and BUSY.

So I know I am rambling now and forgive me for being so darn busy as not to keep up on my blogging.  I am hoping to get less busy what the fluff and start really getting busy dealing with my own stuff. 

I love you all and am still so grateful to have this community to come to and get a reality check.  I pray for each of you and your families often. 



Fractalmom said...

yep. what you said. for me, i just went on with life. probably the hardest thing i have ever done. and i have refused to deal with any more pain, wondering or chaos. doesn't mean it isn't inside me somewhere. it means i am a shadow of my former self. and i will live that way forever. i don't even let it hurt me, to do that would acknowledge emotionally that it is that way. i bury it deep inside. because it's the only way i could cope.

Sherry said...

Renee - Thanks for your comment and kind words! I hope you begin to feel better soon....I was about to give you some advice and caught myself. I know you need to find your way to elevate your mood. I also pray for you and Zach often. Hope you had a nice memorial day weekend! ((Hugs))

Bristolvol said...

Pretty much what Fracalmom said. I am totally distanced with no communication whatsoever for years. It's especially hard on holidays and often just every day. But we have so much to live for that we cannot allow the addict to take over. They are not thinking about us and how destroyed and down we feel sometimes. Sending you hugs!

Barbara said...

Hi Renee, I still think of you almost every day when I go over "the list" of parents/addicts.

Its good to see a post from you.
I'm sorry to hear he's still using. Mine is clean at the moment, in a rehab. It seems never ending sometimes.

I hope things get better for you. I've come to realize that life is going to be difficult for more often than not and have stopped fighting it.

Tori said...

I hope you feel better soon. I get in my moods but understand what you write about depression swallowing you.....I allow myself to be sad and hurt but I work really hard on not feeling sorry for myself for too long. It really can control you if you let it. Take care.

Lou said...

I read so much growth here! I remember when you first started blogging, and you were all over the place just like the rest of us in the beginning.

It's OK to be sad. And vulnerable. We are humans with minds AND hearts. I have come to mostly accept life-the good and bad. There are lessons in all of it. Don't let your present situation with your son take away your hope or compassion.

Paz said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I recently started a blog about being in a relationship with an oxycontin addict I love that you encourage the family of addicts to participate at Al-Anon. I hope I can get my family to start attending meetings to understand what addiction does to families

Anonymous said...

Renee - sorry I haven't shown up here in awhile. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather's Mom said...

Ha! You wrote this a couple months ago and mentioned what I wrote then - seems like I am in the SAME place still. Reading your blog lets me know that I am not alone. I pray that you are doing well today. God bless. Love & hugs!

Cheri said...


I'm taking a blog tour of my cyber family today. I've been working and just too busy for my own good, but my daddy passed away a week ago today, unexpectedly, and yesterday was the memorial. So I'm sitting today with unplanned "downtime," and I am just trying to absorb the changes in my life, and I wanted to touch base with those I've been missing. I'm sorry to hear you've been having a hard time, and I can fully relate, not just because my dad passed away, but because my oldest son is still using something. His little brother, the one who went through Teen Challenge, is still clean and sober and got married last month, but at the wedding and again at yesterday's memorial service for his grandpa, it was so obvious that our oldest was "high" on something. It is so hard to watch our kids self-destruct, but we cannot want their sobriety for them. They have to want it for themselves. And now I've rambled long enough. But know that you are in my prayers.


Jennas Anxiety said...

Please take care of yourself - you are a kind and awesome person. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.
Take time to cherish and love yourself too. Xx

smackhead said...

its just as difficult for us, if you even take me for example-i have NO support system but i keep on fighting every day. not gonna let it win

D. said...

I hope you are doing well. I just read your post from over a year ago. I have two children with addiction problems, one opiates and alcohol, the other alcohol. Your postings sounded just like what I could have written. I pray you are being strengthened by God and finding your way into hope and light, and your child is too. Blessings.

D. said...

Hoping you are in a better place. Your words could have been mind. May God give you strength and hope.

Anonymous said...

opite addiction is the hardest drug out of all to kick. See, not only are you menmtally addicted but its physically addictive also. We can not do this without the help of others who have done it and can show us the way. The same GOD that got others clean...can help your son get clean...keep praying.