May 27, 2010

And the grief work & guilt continues

I went to the family group meeting at the rehab my son is at last night with my husband.  It was odd but last night everyone seemed to be in a down funky mood.  Much was discussed about mothers/fathers and our relationships with them, or lack thereof, the regrets for mistakes made and taking parents for granted.  After the meeting we spoke with my son and of course he asked me for something, it just seems never ending.  He wanted to do some work for us to get his cell phone turned on for a month.  He is leaving the rehab on Monday for a sober living house.  He told me he needed the phone because he would be looking for work and he couldn't give out the house number to prospective employers.  He told me he wouldn't be able to call his sponsor everyday or stay in touch with us.  I told him no and he became upset and we parted.  He called after we arrived home to apologize and then explain some more why he needed the phone, I again said I couldn't help him with it.  He called back again and it ended badly.  By the third phone call I almost didn't answer, but I did.  He apologized again, but much more sincerely and we left it at that.  I cried all the way home.  As a mother, it just doesn't feel right ever to tell my son I can't help him with something, even if I know he is probably lying to me about the need.  I held my ground, but I am sad.  I am sad that I have to question every move I make with him to keep myself in check, make sure I am not enabling, not reacting out of my own fear, or fear of feeling guilt and fear.  It has been exhausting saying no but I am getting through it.  I just pray that I will get better at knowing when I should say no and when I should reach out and lend a hand. 

Surgery in the morning, thank you all for the well wishes, say a prayer around 10 am PST for me:)  I will be checking in while I am off work and miss you all.


May 25, 2010

Down Time

It is interesting to me that I haven't posted anything recently as much has been going on. I think I am just really tired, I have had stuff going on after work lately, and trying to just work on myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am isolating when I don't post--then I realize I am just darn tired!

I am having surgery this Friday on my sinuses and will be off work for a bit, so I am hoping after some much needed rest, I will be able to catch up here. I have been reading and trying to post comments (certain blogs I am unable to post comments on at work, others I can).  Please know that I am reading and you are all in my thoughts daily.

I have been going to meetings and have found the family group meeting at Z's rehab to be my new "home meeting" even though it is farther away and later in the evening, it is where I get my needs met the most. I am hitting some local meetings and it has been very helpful. I used to think that the 12 step program just wasn't for me, that I didn't really need the help, my son needed the help. Then a lightning bolt hit me in the head I hit my bottom and that all changed. It is amazing to me that just by being open minded and willing to try and work the program the changes it has brought for me.

My son visited us on a pass Sunday and there were some difficult moments. I was pretty much up in his stuff and things were getting muddled. I realized after a bit that I was reacting out of my own fear and insecurities and picked up the phone and called my sponsor. I am so proud of myself for doing that, it is amazing how we don't ask for help for ourselves and how uncomfortable that is in the beginning, but boy did it help! Bottom line is I want a relationship with my son, whether he is using or not, working or not, whatever or not. That does not have to include enabling him and I look forward to accepting more, being more willing and learning how to detach with love, to love him no matter what, but still not getting in his way. O.K. so now I am rambling:) I will try to write more because there is so much to share. I love sharing with my online support family, you guys Rock!


May 18, 2010

He is taking some action!

So I met with Z and his counselor last night at the Rehab. Of course I prayed all the way there for stength to hold my boundaries in place and was ready to give him what I could offer. I had the phone number to the free sober living facility that is up in the mountains about an hour from our town and also some info on Teen Challenge in Sacramento. I hugged my son when I saw him and it felt so great. I was able to tell him that I placed the boundary about him not coming to live with us for my own personal health and my reasons, not to punish him or because I didn't love him. He seemed proud that he was working on a solution. He will be signing up for general assistance this Wednesday and hopefully that will come through so he can enter the sober living house that he and his counselor have agreed would suit his needs best. He has talked to his probation drug and alcohol counselor who is on board and will be talking to his probation officer to see about getting another probation officer in the county he is currently in to cross watch him. They would then check in on him and report to his current probation officer, allowing him to finish much of his prop. 36 probation requirements in the other county. He is about 30 minutes from where we live in a larger community. I was a bit surprised and delighted for him and me.

He and I struggled a few times during this two hour meeting. I can see we are both triggers for each other, which is kind of sad. I walked away realizing just how sick in my co-dependency I am. I realized several things I said to him made him uneasy and vice/versa. We have had a pretty unhealthy relationship for quite some time and we will have to learn to relate to each other in a respectful manner with boundaries. It was an eye opener replaying it after I left, to see that I am possibly sicker in my communication ways with him than he is. I have work to do, but am willing to do it, so that is key. Overall, I left and we hugged, said our I love yous and out he went. I will pray that the best thing for him will come to pass and that I will have the courage and strength to work hard on my own recovery.

I thank you all for reading and helping me through the gray stuff. It just isn't always black and white! I have been reading all your blogs and posting comments when I can. Some of your blogs I can't post a comment from work. I will be trying to catch up on those in the next couple of nights (Syd and Barbara for sure). Much gratitude to you all, you are all part of my blog family and I cherish you.


May 14, 2010

Rehab Poll Update

Update on Rehab Poll--Wow, I am astonished at all the comments the poll from my previous post brought in. I am meeting with my son and his drug counselor at the State ran rehab tonight and am a little nervous. As you know, his funding has ran out, I spoke with his counselor on the phone on Friday and asked him if Z could get a job to pay. Because he is on probation and the rehab is in another county, he said that the logistics of that would not work when it came to probation and his finding work, transportation to and from, etc. I obsessed about it, went to a meeting on Friday night and have tried not to think about it, just trying to give it to God. I am going with an open mind and see what happens in the moment. His "other" drug counselor from probation called me today and did state that the unlicensed sober living place way up in the hills close to our area is free, and he would pick him up from rehab and take him up there next Monday if Z agreed to go. I also printed out a couple of other options, the info for the Teen Challenge in Sacramento and another place that is also a year long faith based program, to give to him. I may not end up giving them to him, I want to hear what, if anything, he has done to secure a place. There is a part of me (probably the co-dependent or mother part) that wants to see if they will take payments or discount the cost of his current rehab for an extended 30 days. The counselor did ask me what if anything I could afford, and I have to admit I struggled with that. I mean, on one hand the counselors encourage you to stay out of the way, then on the other they try to get your money, which I am told is getting in his way!

I have to say, I will be re-reading all the comments from this poll and I like that Syd threw in a bit of old school twist (that is what I thought when I read it). I remember when I was younger, there were no rehabs, at least that I knew of. They say statistically it is 10 percent successful rate, but then they say every time they go it is important to their recovery. For an obsessive codependent, this makes it all the more confusing. I am just going to trust that God will guide me tomorrow, I have to, can't think about it to death.

On another note, I did Relay for Life this year, my first time. I was co-captain of two teams, bit off a bit much for my first go around. It was so moving and inspirational and I was able to grieve and rejoice with others that had been through watching a loved one go through the terrible death cancer can bring. I can't say enough about my weekend and how it touched me to my soul, other than I haven't slept since Friday night and am exhausted. Our county raised $162,000.00 for the cause this year, the most they have ever raised. I am proud of that.

I thank you all for your comments and hope this poll helped someone other than myself. Your input is always of great value to me.


May 13, 2010

Holy Toledo Batman, this stuff is hard!

I had a VERY HARD night last night. I received a call from my son right before I left for my counseling appt. and family group meeting last night. The rehab allowed him to call as he has now been told he only has 30 days (he originally was funded for 60, than they said 45, now only 30). He is stressed, said he needs more time. I called his drug and alcohol counselor at the advice of my counselor to discuss the issue and get his professional advice about me not wanting Z to come home right now. He agreed Zach needs a lot more time, but because he made it so far in the Prop. 36 program by faking his drug tests, he only qualifies for 30 days and no sober living, because they say he did too good! Whatever? Anyways, the counselor is trying to get more funding from a program this rehab has but doubts it will come through. He suggested sending him to a center up in the mountains that is a bit unconventional, alot of parolees go there as probation/parole do not visit there. But they do drug test, work the 12 steps and he would be away from our area by about 1 hour way out in the hills. This ranch has been known for drugs getting in, but I suppose this could happen at an facility? He suggested that I tell Zach he has to go there for 60 days and do well before he can enter my home, and then if he does enter my home and gets high ONE TIME, he is out, and to follow through with that. I saw my son last night briefly and he brought this up again. When we talked on the phone he said he was so stressed out (have to deal with it, not using and is freaking out). I asked him what they would do if he didn't have a place to live. He said he told them already that he would be coming to my house. I told him probably not gonna happen and he hung up the phone, said he couldn't handle that right then. Then when I saw him briefly last night it was brought up again, and I had planned on talking to the counselor after the meeting to see if his personal counselor there at the rehab could meet with me and Zach so I could explain to him that I am not punishing him, that I love him and that I need time to heal. Give him my offering and leave it at that. They took my phone numbers and are supposed to call me to let me know if this can happen. I am also supposed to call his drug and alcohol counselor back late today to see if any word on the funding for his current rehab is possible, but for sure probation is not funding anymore than 30 days. His probation drug/alcohol counselor and I discussed the degree of my son's addiction. This counselor was a heroin addict for a long time and did 10 years in prison, so he knows his stuff, been there done it. I asked him if he knew just how severe my son's addiction is to opiates/oxy. He said "Renee, your son's disease is just as severe as anyone I have ever seen, if not worse". He also stated that he agreed my son need much more time than 30 days but his hands are tied. I asked him if he knew my son was using the "wizinator" to pass his drug tests through them and he just relayed that he was aware Z has a huge problem.

I feel terrible about how my son and I left things. He doesn't have enough information and I know he feels abandoned and hurt. I realize the hurt could bring him good things, people say you have to go through the pain to get to the pleasure, and I know he has to do it himself. I just feel sad and guilty for the way this news was delivered and that I haven't had an opportunity to really discuss it with him.

This is the hardest thing I have EVER felt like I have to do other than my mom dying. This is just the hardest and I am so sad and full of guilt. Ugh!

I am grateful for my counseling meeting last night and the AWESOME family group I attended with my hubby and step-son. My step-son is very co-dependent and he walked out of there thanking me for inviting him and intends to go back every week. They both took away so much from that meeting, it was the best one I have been to and I walked away feeling stronger, but still very sad.

May 12, 2010

Blog Award

Thanks Sherry for thinking of me! I may not pass it along because I probably would have passed it to the same people you did anyway:)

1. What would your perfect day consist of?

Sitting on a nice chair on the beach in Maui watching the sunset after a beautiful boat ride and snorkeling all day.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

Baggy, comfortable, worn thin

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

My blog, reading, my recovery, walking.

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

The beach for sure!

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?

I have hugged a tree!

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

I would like to grow my own, but my thumb is grocery store with some organic.

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

My whole family is exciting enough for a lifetime:)

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

Don't like fish so I will have to go with"posh restaurant".

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

Water girl here.

10. Do you believe in fairies?


May 9, 2010

He Called

I was having a bit of an up and down Mother's Day today. I woke up and laid in bed for a bit, sipped on a cup of coffee and slowly started my day. My husband and brother picked me two bouquets of flowers from our yard and put them in lovely vases. They cooked both brunch and dinner for me also. Love them so much! We went to my Mom's grave today and planted a pretty miniature red rose bush, many people at the old graveyard today, more than I have seen in a very long time. I miss my Mom every single day but feel very blessed to have had her in my life for the time I did.

My step-son called and wished me a Happy Mother's Day and said he and his GF would be by later in the day. My niece called and asked if I would be around as she was going to come by with her baby boy (she is like a daughter to me). I waited until about 6 pm and my niece flew in the door, baby asleep in the car, gave me a card and kiss and left. My step-son never showed. I tried to push down my bit of disappointment, you know how it is, I feel like I show much love to them and usually am a late thought in their minds at best. I kept counting my blessings and thanked my husband and brother for their lovely gestures and love.

My son called at 9:45 pm to wish me a happy Mother's Day from rehab. He is still on blackout until this coming Friday. I must admit that I was a bit upset that he called when he is not supposed to, but so happy that he did at the same time. I agree with Annette's comment before, I don't think he is really ready, he has called me now twice and made a point to see me at the rehab facility twice. It appears that this particular rehab facility is also a little lenient on their blackout rules because they know about the visits for sure and on at least one occasion the counselor was there.

I am still strugling with what to do when he gets released from rehab, to let him come stay with us or fend on his own. I know what I should do, just not sure if I am ready. Two people not being ready, he with his addiction, me with my codependency, probably not a recipe for peace. I know, just have to get there.

Hope you all had a good day and all you Mom's out there sleep well tonight.

May 6, 2010

Emotional Battlefield!

Well on my last post I talked about bringing chaos, borrowing trouble, the other shoe dropping, etc. I do really feel that I do this but I went to see my counselor last night and she had a different theory about my anxiety regarding my son's future release from Rehab. She basically stated that I wasn't creating chaos with the thoughts and emotions I was having about it, but that it is an anxious situation and one I probably should start attacking and dealing with now, not later.

We talked about whether I wanted to continue to be a rehab house, to continue to drag out my son's journey by interfering with my "help and assistance", which by the way has not worked to date. She was TOUGH. She wanted me to give her 20 reasons to convince her otherwise, why I should continue to assist my son with housing at my home when he is released. I feebly gave her the one and only answer I could, that as long as he was clean and trying I didn't feel like I could turn my back on him as he literally has nowhere else to go. Her advice? Talk to his counselors at the Family Meetings at the Rehab facility and his probation drug and alcohol counselor. Tell them how bad my health is suffering right now and how exhausted both physically and mentally. Ask what resources my son will have through probation, if any, for aftercare (as many of you know, probation services are very limited in my small town). Let them know I am trying to work my own program and want my son to have a good go of it on his own, on his terms, through his own power so he can feel like he is doing it, not someone doing it or making it easier to do it. Allow him to claim his own victory or defeat and whatever that may bring to him. Holy Cow I was crying when I left and went to the family meeting late. It was a packed meeting and I just listened. They have family members and addicts in the meeting so I was able to hear both sides, get both perspectives. My son was not there as he is on black out for 21 days. I left there not saying a word as I was just so emotional yesterday. My son called out for me as I had the front door open. This is not the first time I have been at the rehab facility with him coming into contact with me. As a matter of fact, the three times I have been there, he has managed to see me. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I love seeing him at the same time. Why do they call it black out if I can see him? I usually tell him I am not supposed to see or talk to him during this period and try to rush away. He also has made one phone call to me from some guy's cell phone (they are allowed cell phones after 21 days). Z won't be getting a cell phone and I was surprised they are so loose in the rules/monitoring of the patients.

Now I am rambling, but I cried the whole 40 minute drive home, prayed and cried. I have given it to God so many times today, and as my sponsor has said, "Why worry if you pray and why pray if you worry". Such wise words, I hope my faith and strength grow so that I can truly just give it to God and work on my own self, I have so much to do in that area anyways.

I must say that I am blessed to have you all in my life, supporting me, cheering me on, giving me good, solid advice and just being there. I appreciate every single one of you.

Tonight I pray that the Lord will help me to get out of my son's way and allow him to conquer his addiction in his own power. I pray that the Lord will help me to follow his will and guide me to carry it out.

I hope all you Moms out there have a peaceful and joy-filled Mother's Day!

P.S. Dad, I love the dog shit analogy you provided in your comment on my last post. I kept that in my head last night and not only did it pull me to the present each time but it also made me smile. Love it!

May 4, 2010

Seeking Chaos...agitated

I find myself on down time, trying to heal, rest after the war. I swear, having an addict in the family is just exhausting in and of itself, then add everyday life, and I am just plain wore out. It is funny how you don't notice that until everything calms down, it is quiet and you have time for yourself, whether you want it or not. I for sure want it and have been doing a lot of self care, but I just had no idea how tired I was from stress.

As you know if you read here, my son is in rehab and I find myself at times "borrowing trouble". I really notice now how when there isn't any chaos in my immediate life, I tend to make a little subconciously. I do this by picking a fight with a loved one over the smallest thing, being hyper critical of myself or focusing inward and freaking out over my physical well being. I am just in awe at how sick I am with codependency and grateful that I am actually seeing it. I am super agitated tonight and not sure why. I think it is because while at work today I found my thoughts drifting towards my son and being negative about it. Thinking to myself, "better enjoy the quiet now". Almost putting pressure on myself to hurry up and enjoy my time off because it will all start over soon.

I know I am rambling some but I think I have come to the conclusion that for today anyways, I need to focus on having a bit more fun, haven't done that in a while. I need to figure out what "fun" means to me now and I need to stop putting myself in a negative frame of mind over my son. His life, my life.

I have been reading you all and posting when I can and will try to keep this blog more up to date.

Whew, that felt good!