Well on my last post I talked about bringing chaos, borrowing trouble, the other shoe dropping, etc. I do really feel that I do this but I went to see my counselor last night and she had a different theory about my anxiety regarding my son's future release from Rehab. She basically stated that I wasn't creating chaos with the thoughts and emotions I was having about it, but that it is an anxious situation and one I probably should start attacking and dealing with now, not later.
We talked about whether I wanted to continue to be a rehab house, to continue to drag out my son's journey by interfering with my "help and assistance", which by the way has not worked to date. She was TOUGH. She wanted me to give her 20 reasons to convince her otherwise, why I should continue to assist my son with housing at my home when he is released. I feebly gave her the one and only answer I could, that as long as he was clean and trying I didn't feel like I could turn my back on him as he literally has nowhere else to go. Her advice? Talk to his counselors at the Family Meetings at the Rehab facility and his probation drug and alcohol counselor. Tell them how bad my health is suffering right now and how exhausted both physically and mentally. Ask what resources my son will have through probation, if any, for aftercare (as many of you know, probation services are very limited in my small town). Let them know I am trying to work my own program and want my son to have a good go of it on his own, on his terms, through his own power so he can feel like he is doing it, not someone doing it or making it easier to do it. Allow him to claim his own victory or defeat and whatever that may bring to him. Holy Cow I was crying when I left and went to the family meeting late. It was a packed meeting and I just listened. They have family members and addicts in the meeting so I was able to hear both sides, get both perspectives. My son was not there as he is on black out for 21 days. I left there not saying a word as I was just so emotional yesterday. My son called out for me as I had the front door open. This is not the first time I have been at the rehab facility with him coming into contact with me. As a matter of fact, the three times I have been there, he has managed to see me. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I love seeing him at the same time. Why do they call it black out if I can see him? I usually tell him I am not supposed to see or talk to him during this period and try to rush away. He also has made one phone call to me from some guy's cell phone (they are allowed cell phones after 21 days). Z won't be getting a cell phone and I was surprised they are so loose in the rules/monitoring of the patients.
Now I am rambling, but I cried the whole 40 minute drive home, prayed and cried. I have given it to God so many times today, and as my sponsor has said, "Why worry if you pray and why pray if you worry". Such wise words, I hope my faith and strength grow so that I can truly just give it to God and work on my own self, I have so much to do in that area anyways.
I must say that I am blessed to have you all in my life, supporting me, cheering me on, giving me good, solid advice and just being there. I appreciate every single one of you.
Tonight I pray that the Lord will help me to get out of my son's way and allow him to conquer his addiction in his own power. I pray that the Lord will help me to follow his will and guide me to carry it out.
I hope all you Moms out there have a peaceful and joy-filled Mother's Day!
P.S. Dad, I love the dog shit analogy you provided in your comment on my last post. I kept that in my head last night and not only did it pull me to the present each time but it also made me smile. Love it!