May 6, 2010

Emotional Battlefield!

Well on my last post I talked about bringing chaos, borrowing trouble, the other shoe dropping, etc. I do really feel that I do this but I went to see my counselor last night and she had a different theory about my anxiety regarding my son's future release from Rehab. She basically stated that I wasn't creating chaos with the thoughts and emotions I was having about it, but that it is an anxious situation and one I probably should start attacking and dealing with now, not later.

We talked about whether I wanted to continue to be a rehab house, to continue to drag out my son's journey by interfering with my "help and assistance", which by the way has not worked to date. She was TOUGH. She wanted me to give her 20 reasons to convince her otherwise, why I should continue to assist my son with housing at my home when he is released. I feebly gave her the one and only answer I could, that as long as he was clean and trying I didn't feel like I could turn my back on him as he literally has nowhere else to go. Her advice? Talk to his counselors at the Family Meetings at the Rehab facility and his probation drug and alcohol counselor. Tell them how bad my health is suffering right now and how exhausted both physically and mentally. Ask what resources my son will have through probation, if any, for aftercare (as many of you know, probation services are very limited in my small town). Let them know I am trying to work my own program and want my son to have a good go of it on his own, on his terms, through his own power so he can feel like he is doing it, not someone doing it or making it easier to do it. Allow him to claim his own victory or defeat and whatever that may bring to him. Holy Cow I was crying when I left and went to the family meeting late. It was a packed meeting and I just listened. They have family members and addicts in the meeting so I was able to hear both sides, get both perspectives. My son was not there as he is on black out for 21 days. I left there not saying a word as I was just so emotional yesterday. My son called out for me as I had the front door open. This is not the first time I have been at the rehab facility with him coming into contact with me. As a matter of fact, the three times I have been there, he has managed to see me. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I love seeing him at the same time. Why do they call it black out if I can see him? I usually tell him I am not supposed to see or talk to him during this period and try to rush away. He also has made one phone call to me from some guy's cell phone (they are allowed cell phones after 21 days). Z won't be getting a cell phone and I was surprised they are so loose in the rules/monitoring of the patients.

Now I am rambling, but I cried the whole 40 minute drive home, prayed and cried. I have given it to God so many times today, and as my sponsor has said, "Why worry if you pray and why pray if you worry". Such wise words, I hope my faith and strength grow so that I can truly just give it to God and work on my own self, I have so much to do in that area anyways.

I must say that I am blessed to have you all in my life, supporting me, cheering me on, giving me good, solid advice and just being there. I appreciate every single one of you.

Tonight I pray that the Lord will help me to get out of my son's way and allow him to conquer his addiction in his own power. I pray that the Lord will help me to follow his will and guide me to carry it out.

I hope all you Moms out there have a peaceful and joy-filled Mother's Day!

P.S. Dad, I love the dog shit analogy you provided in your comment on my last post. I kept that in my head last night and not only did it pull me to the present each time but it also made me smile. Love it!


Sherry said...

I pray for Zach and you daily and I just said another one!! I believe God is listening!

Anonymous said...

I wept as I read your post today. I can so empathize with you. Please know that you are not alone in this. Praying that you can find peace in letting go.

Cat said...

I think planning ahead before the situation arrises and he is home would be a good idea. There is an old saying, : (not sure where it comes from )

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

Barbara said...

Very cool that you have an insightful therapist that could remind you that you are not as messed up as you think you are, but that you are on the right track in planning ahead.

Oh, dear, sweet, Renee. My heart hurts for you right now. I would be crying and feeling exactly as you do. I feel so lucky, so blessed that I didn't have to make that decision...I may have to make is someday.

I hope you can talk to probation, etc. and find out some resources you are currently unaware of that can help Z. Does the rehab allow them to leave if they don't have a residence in place?

You are a wonderful mother that has always had her son's best interest in mind. I think it says a lot that he manages to "sneak a peak" each time you are there because he loves you so much. Whatever you decided he will know in his heart its a decision made in love.

Annette said... is so hard huh. You know I just wrote in a comment to Dad that probably the best thing I did for the both of us was to get out of the way and let H go.

I have to say that a red flag to me is that he isn't following the rules with the phone call. If he was really sold out and committed to his own recovery he would do what they asked as far as making phone calls. There would be some humility there. Its a small infraction to use the phone, but its the motivation behind it. Its indicative of where his heart is at. He still wants to do things his own way. He has to want his recovery at any cost, even not getting to call his mom for awhile.

Let me also say, I've been there and done this with H. In so many many broken rules and I rationalized and made excuses as to why she felt the need. The reality was again, no humility, she wanted to do things her own way, and she did and it only continued our journey for a few more years.

All I know is that I took myself onto a different path and that set her free to make whatever choices seemed fit to her at the moment without my involvement. Thus we both were set free.

Hang in there. Listen to your counselor Love. You deserve to be happy.

Kristin said...

Barbara is absolutely right, Zach loves you and needs to see you when you are at the facility. This means you have been there for him and on some level he knows this and loves you for it. But, this is also the part that cuts so deeply. If there is this mutual love, why can't he show it by honoring all that you are going through- stay clean, get his life together, etc..
Addicts and the mentally ill can't.
There seems to be a lack of consequence understanding. And, of course, the illness is so strong it wipes out all reasoning.
I recently made a decision to walk away from my mentally ill daughter. Different but kind of the same situation. The abuse was so devastating and I was so rundown and sad and unable to take care of myself and the rest of my family well.
I walked away from my daughter, locking her out of my life. The loss is tremendous. The grief is overwhelming. It took months but I feel better, less anxious. It overtakes me some days and I reach for the phone but I haven't made the call yet to reel her back in. It wouldn't take much.
The situation with my daughter will not change. I know this. But, for me to be present in her life as the daily punching bag or the clean-up crew when the shit hits the fan, was just too taxing.
I am taking a break. During this break I am hoping that my daughter takes the reins. Pulls herself away from the edge instead of relying on me to do it for her. I think if she practices doing this on her own, she might get better.
Maybe not, but I know that if I didn't take a break I would have lost so much more.
Good luck,
xx kris

A Mom' Serious Blunder said...

Hold on and pray. I think of you and come and read your blog often. It offers me a lot of insight to what is going on in my life. I hope it brings comfort that you really do help me understand so much.

Heather's Mom said...

Praying for you and Z. God is with you whatever you decide, He will get you through.
Sending love & hugs.
God bless.

Kathy M. said...

Dear Renee,

What an emotional post. I feel for you, my dear friend.

Sounds like your therapist brought up some really good points.

Only you can make this decision. I pray for that God guide you every day.

I think it was the blogger Cheryl who had this advice when making a decision:

Write it down. Write down all the reasons you are making this decision. Then, when you are in the thick of things. Read it again. Let the voice you hear be your own.

My grandsponsor believes that when we writ--pen to paper, no computers --God flows through us.

I tend to agree.

Love and hugs to you today.

Syd said...

Renee, it sounds as if you have a very wise counselor and sponsor. I think that the questions they raise are ones to ponder for sure. Keeping the focus on you and letting your son have the dignity to succeed or fail on his own sounds like a good idea.