I find myself on down time, trying to heal, rest after the war. I swear, having an addict in the family is just exhausting in and of itself, then add everyday life, and I am just plain wore out. It is funny how you don't notice that until everything calms down, it is quiet and you have time for yourself, whether you want it or not. I for sure want it and have been doing a lot of self care, but I just had no idea how tired I was from stress.
As you know if you read here, my son is in rehab and I find myself at times "borrowing trouble". I really notice now how when there isn't any chaos in my immediate life, I tend to make a little subconciously. I do this by picking a fight with a loved one over the smallest thing, being hyper critical of myself or focusing inward and freaking out over my physical well being. I am just in awe at how sick I am with codependency and grateful that I am actually seeing it. I am super agitated tonight and not sure why. I think it is because while at work today I found my thoughts drifting towards my son and being negative about it. Thinking to myself, "better enjoy the quiet now". Almost putting pressure on myself to hurry up and enjoy my time off because it will all start over soon.
I know I am rambling some but I think I have come to the conclusion that for today anyways, I need to focus on having a bit more fun, haven't done that in a while. I need to figure out what "fun" means to me now and I need to stop putting myself in a negative frame of mind over my son. His life, my life.
I have been reading you all and posting when I can and will try to keep this blog more up to date.
Whew, that felt good!