May 4, 2010

Seeking Chaos...agitated

I find myself on down time, trying to heal, rest after the war. I swear, having an addict in the family is just exhausting in and of itself, then add everyday life, and I am just plain wore out. It is funny how you don't notice that until everything calms down, it is quiet and you have time for yourself, whether you want it or not. I for sure want it and have been doing a lot of self care, but I just had no idea how tired I was from stress.

As you know if you read here, my son is in rehab and I find myself at times "borrowing trouble". I really notice now how when there isn't any chaos in my immediate life, I tend to make a little subconciously. I do this by picking a fight with a loved one over the smallest thing, being hyper critical of myself or focusing inward and freaking out over my physical well being. I am just in awe at how sick I am with codependency and grateful that I am actually seeing it. I am super agitated tonight and not sure why. I think it is because while at work today I found my thoughts drifting towards my son and being negative about it. Thinking to myself, "better enjoy the quiet now". Almost putting pressure on myself to hurry up and enjoy my time off because it will all start over soon.

I know I am rambling some but I think I have come to the conclusion that for today anyways, I need to focus on having a bit more fun, haven't done that in a while. I need to figure out what "fun" means to me now and I need to stop putting myself in a negative frame of mind over my son. His life, my life.

I have been reading you all and posting when I can and will try to keep this blog more up to date.

Whew, that felt good!


Syd said...

Having fun is a good idea. I highly recommend doing something that you enjoy. It has helped me to be spontaneous and flexible.

LisaC said...

I completely relate to your post. I understand the feeling of creating some drama or chaos in my life, at the times when I should be feeling good about how things are going. I think it gets better and you will continue to improve. We are all going to have moments when we feel agitated or takes time to recover...not just for the addict but for us as well.

Fractalmom said...

Learn to embrace the calm. Do not be a chaos magnet.

Walk away from chaos. It can be addictive especially to those of us who have junkie kids.

We learn to wake up every single morning thinking "what will happen today?" and then, when nothing does, we create something just to get it over with. We create chaos so that we can CONTROL it.

Stop now before you get sucked in.

Embrace the calm. Take up hobbies. Go for walks. Take long baths. Re-connect with friends.

Cat said...

I, like you can see bits of everything I did to play into an uncalm life at home and while my son is away I am learning to recover the quiet and enjoy the peace.

I think like any change, this takes practice and lots of time to become habit and natural and comfortable for us.

Carolyn said...

Please enjoy the peace and take care of yourself. Living in chaos is so debilitating...Go and have lots and lots of fun!

Annette said...

I can so relate to seeking out chaos. I know when H was in treatment, I honestly felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The good news is that the more we detach, the more we cultivate our own interests our own lives, the more happy and at ease we become. The more chaos doesn't feel so comfortable anymore.

Dad and Mom said...

Peace is diffcult to find.

My method is to escape with Mom. At first I felt guilt because our peace usually came as long as we knew he was incarcerated. Now I'm working on the "out of sight, out of mind" method.

It really is true his recovery is business. But sometimes I step in it just like stepping in doggie gifts in the yard. Wipe it off and as clean as you can as quick as you can then the smell goes away quicker.

But just like the backyard. I am not a person who will stop stepping in it at times. So I am trying to learn to get better at wiping it off and moving forward.

Barbara said...

Yep, I can relate to a lot of this too. The fun part is something I also need to work on. What is fun? I don't do fun that often. I really need to. Wish we lived closer so we could do fun together. I need a concert to go to....U2 in June.

Good job at taking care of yourself, keep it up.

Heather's Mom said...

I can so relate to what you wrote, sometimes I think I could have written your words! They seem to come from my head! lol
I'm actually reading this right after hanging up the phone with Heather and - being to mentally exhausted to do anything else - thought I'd read some blogs!
She called - talked 2 minutes - she sounded great - I had to go - monthly pest control was here - called her back 20 minutes later - Whack!!! - her mood had changed - rough conversation, hung up SPENT...
I like what Fractalmom said. I am SLOWLY learning not to create chaos on my own when things are going smoothly - or I guess right now better to say - I am RECOGNIZING when I do! Fractalmom had a very good insight on this!
Love & hugs!
God bless.

Anonymous said...

It's easy to get too used to the conflict. Good to find something we enjoy as a release. I think one of the miracles of the program is the more we change, the more the things around us seem to change as well.

Erin said...

Oh I can really really relate to this post, whenever I have a day of peace, in the back of my head I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop instead of enjoying it. I was very agitated the other night and I could not figure out why. I agree with Lisa C's comment, it takes time for us to recover as well, not just the addict.

Kristin said...

We create the drama because we are so familiar with it! Because we (those living with mental illness or addiction) live a life where the other shoe is bound to drop, we anticipate it and sometimes even trigger it. A lull just means that the chaos might be bigger when it finally hits. But, you are recognizing your need for drama. This is probably a good step in the direction of stopping, or at least changing a pattern.
xx kris

Addiction--Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

I love you guys:) Oh, and love the dog shit analogy Dad, I will really remember that one!

Brother Frankie said...

i chuckled at dads comment.. with me, i had so much dog poop in my yard, i just stopped having BBQs and going there... get it?

fractal mom understands that one.