I had a VERY HARD night last night. I received a call from my son right before I left for my counseling appt. and family group meeting last night. The rehab allowed him to call as he has now been told he only has 30 days (he originally was funded for 60, than they said 45, now only 30). He is stressed, said he needs more time. I called his drug and alcohol counselor at the advice of my counselor to discuss the issue and get his professional advice about me not wanting Z to come home right now. He agreed Zach needs a lot more time, but because he made it so far in the Prop. 36 program by faking his drug tests, he only qualifies for 30 days and no sober living, because they say he did too good! Whatever? Anyways, the counselor is trying to get more funding from a program this rehab has but doubts it will come through. He suggested sending him to a center up in the mountains that is a bit unconventional, alot of parolees go there as probation/parole do not visit there. But they do drug test, work the 12 steps and he would be away from our area by about 1 hour way out in the hills. This ranch has been known for drugs getting in, but I suppose this could happen at an facility? He suggested that I tell Zach he has to go there for 60 days and do well before he can enter my home, and then if he does enter my home and gets high ONE TIME, he is out, and to follow through with that. I saw my son last night briefly and he brought this up again. When we talked on the phone he said he was so stressed out (have to deal with it, not using and is freaking out). I asked him what they would do if he didn't have a place to live. He said he told them already that he would be coming to my house. I told him probably not gonna happen and he hung up the phone, said he couldn't handle that right then. Then when I saw him briefly last night it was brought up again, and I had planned on talking to the counselor after the meeting to see if his personal counselor there at the rehab could meet with me and Zach so I could explain to him that I am not punishing him, that I love him and that I need time to heal. Give him my offering and leave it at that. They took my phone numbers and are supposed to call me to let me know if this can happen. I am also supposed to call his drug and alcohol counselor back late today to see if any word on the funding for his current rehab is possible, but for sure probation is not funding anymore than 30 days. His probation drug/alcohol counselor and I discussed the degree of my son's addiction. This counselor was a heroin addict for a long time and did 10 years in prison, so he knows his stuff, been there done it. I asked him if he knew just how severe my son's addiction is to opiates/oxy. He said "Renee, your son's disease is just as severe as anyone I have ever seen, if not worse". He also stated that he agreed my son need much more time than 30 days but his hands are tied. I asked him if he knew my son was using the "wizinator" to pass his drug tests through them and he just relayed that he was aware Z has a huge problem.
I feel terrible about how my son and I left things. He doesn't have enough information and I know he feels abandoned and hurt. I realize the hurt could bring him good things, people say you have to go through the pain to get to the pleasure, and I know he has to do it himself. I just feel sad and guilty for the way this news was delivered and that I haven't had an opportunity to really discuss it with him.
This is the hardest thing I have EVER felt like I have to do other than my mom dying. This is just the hardest and I am so sad and full of guilt. Ugh!
I am grateful for my counseling meeting last night and the AWESOME family group I attended with my hubby and step-son. My step-son is very co-dependent and he walked out of there thanking me for inviting him and intends to go back every week. They both took away so much from that meeting, it was the best one I have been to and I walked away feeling stronger, but still very sad.