May 13, 2010

Holy Toledo Batman, this stuff is hard!

I had a VERY HARD night last night. I received a call from my son right before I left for my counseling appt. and family group meeting last night. The rehab allowed him to call as he has now been told he only has 30 days (he originally was funded for 60, than they said 45, now only 30). He is stressed, said he needs more time. I called his drug and alcohol counselor at the advice of my counselor to discuss the issue and get his professional advice about me not wanting Z to come home right now. He agreed Zach needs a lot more time, but because he made it so far in the Prop. 36 program by faking his drug tests, he only qualifies for 30 days and no sober living, because they say he did too good! Whatever? Anyways, the counselor is trying to get more funding from a program this rehab has but doubts it will come through. He suggested sending him to a center up in the mountains that is a bit unconventional, alot of parolees go there as probation/parole do not visit there. But they do drug test, work the 12 steps and he would be away from our area by about 1 hour way out in the hills. This ranch has been known for drugs getting in, but I suppose this could happen at an facility? He suggested that I tell Zach he has to go there for 60 days and do well before he can enter my home, and then if he does enter my home and gets high ONE TIME, he is out, and to follow through with that. I saw my son last night briefly and he brought this up again. When we talked on the phone he said he was so stressed out (have to deal with it, not using and is freaking out). I asked him what they would do if he didn't have a place to live. He said he told them already that he would be coming to my house. I told him probably not gonna happen and he hung up the phone, said he couldn't handle that right then. Then when I saw him briefly last night it was brought up again, and I had planned on talking to the counselor after the meeting to see if his personal counselor there at the rehab could meet with me and Zach so I could explain to him that I am not punishing him, that I love him and that I need time to heal. Give him my offering and leave it at that. They took my phone numbers and are supposed to call me to let me know if this can happen. I am also supposed to call his drug and alcohol counselor back late today to see if any word on the funding for his current rehab is possible, but for sure probation is not funding anymore than 30 days. His probation drug/alcohol counselor and I discussed the degree of my son's addiction. This counselor was a heroin addict for a long time and did 10 years in prison, so he knows his stuff, been there done it. I asked him if he knew just how severe my son's addiction is to opiates/oxy. He said "Renee, your son's disease is just as severe as anyone I have ever seen, if not worse". He also stated that he agreed my son need much more time than 30 days but his hands are tied. I asked him if he knew my son was using the "wizinator" to pass his drug tests through them and he just relayed that he was aware Z has a huge problem.

I feel terrible about how my son and I left things. He doesn't have enough information and I know he feels abandoned and hurt. I realize the hurt could bring him good things, people say you have to go through the pain to get to the pleasure, and I know he has to do it himself. I just feel sad and guilty for the way this news was delivered and that I haven't had an opportunity to really discuss it with him.

This is the hardest thing I have EVER felt like I have to do other than my mom dying. This is just the hardest and I am so sad and full of guilt. Ugh!

I am grateful for my counseling meeting last night and the AWESOME family group I attended with my hubby and step-son. My step-son is very co-dependent and he walked out of there thanking me for inviting him and intends to go back every week. They both took away so much from that meeting, it was the best one I have been to and I walked away feeling stronger, but still very sad.


Sherry said...

You are doing every thing in your power to see that Zach is taken care of. If he is stressed out... so be it...we all get stressed out! My son acted the same way when he was in jail and rehab... especially when he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted or didn't hear what he wanted to hear. Listen to your counselor and every time a guilt feeling comes... replace it with a prayer and the thought that Zach is being cared for by God! I just said another prayer for both of you!

Jan said...

Your son and mine could be twins...... I feel for you, and I know as hard as it is, you will do the right thing by you first, and ultimately, that will be the right thing for your son! I am here for you!
Just for today

Dad and Mom said...

If it was easy they wouldn't call it parenting.

Hold true to what you know to do instead of what you emotionally want to do. Think of what is best for your son and you.

Kathy M. said...

My heart goes out to you, Renee. Truly, this IS hard. Very hard. Hope you got my e-mails. I'll keep you both in my prayers. Love and hugs.

Annette said...

Getting healthy is a lot of hard work for everyone who is determined to get healthy. I know it is hard to believe, but part of growing up and working his own program will be processing information given to him not only from you, but the world at large, that he doesn't like, that makes him uncomfortable, or that wasn't delivered in the most palatable form. Its ok. He has a foundation of a wonderful, loving, relationship with you. One interaction after all that you have been through together will not leave him feeling lost forever in rejection. If he will make use of the tools surrounding him there, he will work his way through it and hopefully be able to see things from your perspective all on his own. Put him in God's hands Renee...because a lot of this is out of your control. That was THE only thing that brought me any peace. Laying H in God's hands and asking Him to do for her what I couldn't. To love her perfectly and to accomplish His perfect will for her *no matter what the cost.* That last part always stuck in my throat though...I will be honest. Not easy. ((HUG)) Take good care of you. Again, I wish you were closer...this seems like a good day for a long walk and talk. ((HUG))

Heather's Mom said...

Sherry made a good point about how her son "acted the same way"... Heather does (did?) it too, she seems to have a way of making me feel the maximum guilt possible.
I think this is a manipulation.
God knows what is going on.
I can only imagine how hard this is on you, the only solace I can offer is the reminder that He is there for both you and Z.
Sending love, hugs and prayers.

LisaC said...

The night and the following weekend I told Bryan he could not come home and we took his car keys and drove him to a drug house to stay, was the most difficult time of my life. I cried so hard I thought I was going to spit up my heart. It is hard to grasp sometimes how doing the right thing could be so hard and hurt so much. Do what you know is your head. Eventually your heart will catch up. It doesn't matter whether he gets the news in a good way or not. We are so use to fixing and controlling and making it better/easier for them; and that doesn't help them, in the long run. You are doing the right thing and he has to work through the glitches in the system as much as he can...knowing that no matter what you still love him. You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

Anonymous said...

You are doing all that you can be reasonably be expected to do and as hard as it is, rest assured he does know that you care for him and love him.
My daughter and I have talked about this (when she's been in "recovery" mode) and she's told me that even when I've done the hard stuff (ie: refused to bail her out or made her deal with things on her own) she's known how much I love her and that I was doing the right thing. No matter what she said at the time or whether she felt abandoned or not, she knew...
And your son knows too.
Try to let go of yesterday's guilt so you can move on to today.
Peace and prayers

Kristin said...

Making the decision to save/protect yourself might give a positive message to Zach. Self-love is hard for many people to comprehend. Don't ever think that he doesn't know deep down that you love him with every fiber of your being - even when he is guilt-tripping you. We each, no matter how hard it is, need to take care of ourselves first. Being strong and looking out for yourself will give Zach a strong sounding board when he needs it.
I am not saying it is easy. I am not talking with my daughter right now and it is literally shredding my insides to pieces some days. But, I know that I had to give myself a break and regroup.
We have to be strong for the long haul.
xx kris
You are doing so much for him as it is. It sounds like your life is focused on Zach.

Syd said...

I think that taking care of myself was the the best thing that I did. I could not have gone on with the stress of living with the disease much longer. And the result was that I am doing well, my wife is sober and going to meetings. Life is going to have trials and tribulations. I am sure that Z will find a way to deal with the information when he is told.