I went to the family group meeting at the rehab my son is at last night with my husband. It was odd but last night everyone seemed to be in a down funky mood. Much was discussed about mothers/fathers and our relationships with them, or lack thereof, the regrets for mistakes made and taking parents for granted. After the meeting we spoke with my son and of course he asked me for something, it just seems never ending. He wanted to do some work for us to get his cell phone turned on for a month. He is leaving the rehab on Monday for a sober living house. He told me he needed the phone because he would be looking for work and he couldn't give out the house number to prospective employers. He told me he wouldn't be able to call his sponsor everyday or stay in touch with us. I told him no and he became upset and we parted. He called after we arrived home to apologize and then explain some more why he needed the phone, I again said I couldn't help him with it. He called back again and it ended badly. By the third phone call I almost didn't answer, but I did. He apologized again, but much more sincerely and we left it at that. I cried all the way home. As a mother, it just doesn't feel right ever to tell my son I can't help him with something, even if I know he is probably lying to me about the need. I held my ground, but I am sad. I am sad that I have to question every move I make with him to keep myself in check, make sure I am not enabling, not reacting out of my own fear, or fear of feeling guilt and fear. It has been exhausting saying no but I am getting through it. I just pray that I will get better at knowing when I should say no and when I should reach out and lend a hand.
Surgery in the morning, thank you all for the well wishes, say a prayer around 10 am PST for me:) I will be checking in while I am off work and miss you all.