June 1, 2010

Trying to have Patience!

I have never been a very patient person, especially when it comes to my own healing.  This is something I must work on and learn to just accept.  I am feeling pretty icky after the surgery, not sure if it is the antibiotics or pain meds, but something is making me feel yucky.  I know, I know, just had surgery Renee, takes time.  I have been resting a lot, doing pretty much nothing but what I am told, but still struggling just releasing into it and letting time heal me, somehow I fight even being down. 

Update on Z.  He left the Rehab after 38 days yesterday to a sober living house 30 minutes from where we live in the next town over.  As you may recall he was only able to get funding for 30 days through his probation/drug program because he was "doing so well" on the Prop. 36 program.  The rehab gave him and extra 8 days and the sober living house is working with him until his assistance/job come through.  I am proud of him for making these choices and proud of me for giving him the dignity to do it on his own, in his own power without any of my real "help" or "fixing".  I am nervous and continue to fight negative future projecting thoughts.  I know that all I have is the NOW, and that is the only thing.  Right NOW my son is living on his own terms in a sober living house with 39 days clean.  That is it.  I pray each and every day that God keep providing my son with good solid mentors and support people to assist in his conquering his addiction.  I ask the same for myself with my codependent issues.  My son does have a sponsor and is working the steps.  All I can do is have hope this is his time to get well and let it go. 

I have been reading a lot and trying to comment.  So much going on with everyone.  I wanted to thank Dad for his post here, it was very helpful and the dialogue we all have is so important to our growth.  I have grown so much since I first started blogging, it is fascinating to me to go back and read earlier posts compared to current posts.  It gives me hope.  I have not been writing as much as I am trying to heal physically, but you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during my down time, now please just pray that I will have the patience to give myself time to heal.  Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Much Love and gratitude to you all.



Fractalmom said...

Just hang in there. I cannot tell you it gets better, because it doesn't very often. What I can tell you is that WE get better at handling it.


Annette said...

Wow Renee, what a great post. 39 days is a fantastic beginning for your Love. That he is navigating his life on his own, taking responsibility for himself and not relying on you or anyone else, is huge! Savor that for today!

I know all of those fears that nudge us in the back of the head...ugh. I hate that part. But all you can do is live in today, focus on gratitude, and trust that your HP has a hold of your son and is working in his life. ((HUG)) Thanks for sharing.

Annette said...

Also thank you so much for your very kind comment on my blog...I know that you know. I could just hear it in your comment.

Barbara said...

You are right - you are suppose to feel yucky! Its all part of the process to get you feeling good again, which I am praying happens quickly.

Good for you for letting Z make some decisions and good for him for 39 days! I forgot he was on Prop. 36. I don't want to project, but does he know that if he gets arrested again his option will be "drug court"? I think that's how it is in all of CA. Drug Court is very serious business that could take years to complete. Keven chose jail time over Drug Court but then got "rescued" by a Public Defender that realized that he qualified for Recovery Court.

Syd said...

Glad that you are feeling okay post surgery. And that your son is doing well. Stay in the day. It has been a difficult one for me but I am dealing with it.

Anonymous said...

Learning to have patience and to trust in the healing process is one of the most difficult things for us "fixers" and "doers" to get. But if you hang in there the rewards are worth it! (Not that I've been there yet myself but I've heard about it! lol) Be proud of yourself, you are doing really well and so is he.

Kathy M. said...

I am proud of you, too. You really have grown a lot.

When my sponsor had surgery recently, she went through a bit of a depression. It's not uncommon. I'm not sure why that happens, but it does pass.

I'm here for you whenever you need to reach out. Meanwhile, I'll keep you in my prayers. Love and hugs.

Anonymous said...

Patience is not one of my virtues at least not with myself especially. Great post.

A Mom' Serious Blunder said...

I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back...I had no idea how manipulative I could be. Growth is good and I am determined to get me some of that real soon.