May 25, 2010

Down Time

It is interesting to me that I haven't posted anything recently as much has been going on. I think I am just really tired, I have had stuff going on after work lately, and trying to just work on myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am isolating when I don't post--then I realize I am just darn tired!

I am having surgery this Friday on my sinuses and will be off work for a bit, so I am hoping after some much needed rest, I will be able to catch up here. I have been reading and trying to post comments (certain blogs I am unable to post comments on at work, others I can).  Please know that I am reading and you are all in my thoughts daily.

I have been going to meetings and have found the family group meeting at Z's rehab to be my new "home meeting" even though it is farther away and later in the evening, it is where I get my needs met the most. I am hitting some local meetings and it has been very helpful. I used to think that the 12 step program just wasn't for me, that I didn't really need the help, my son needed the help. Then a lightning bolt hit me in the head I hit my bottom and that all changed. It is amazing to me that just by being open minded and willing to try and work the program the changes it has brought for me.

My son visited us on a pass Sunday and there were some difficult moments. I was pretty much up in his stuff and things were getting muddled. I realized after a bit that I was reacting out of my own fear and insecurities and picked up the phone and called my sponsor. I am so proud of myself for doing that, it is amazing how we don't ask for help for ourselves and how uncomfortable that is in the beginning, but boy did it help! Bottom line is I want a relationship with my son, whether he is using or not, working or not, whatever or not. That does not have to include enabling him and I look forward to accepting more, being more willing and learning how to detach with love, to love him no matter what, but still not getting in his way. O.K. so now I am rambling:) I will try to write more because there is so much to share. I love sharing with my online support family, you guys Rock!



Kathy M. said...

I am proud of you, too! I see a lot of budding awareness here. You are growing so much! It's like watching a beautiful flower open to the sunlight.

I'm glad you found your Al-Anon "home."

Love and hugs.

Syd said...

Awesome Renee. It feels so good when that ah-ha moment comes and the light dawns. We learn to still love the alcoholic/addict whether they are still using or not. But we don't have to lose ourselves. That is recovery!

Bristolvol said...

I am glad that you are able to stick to your boundaries. I have never been able to have a relationship with my daughter without enabling her. Therefore, I don't have one anymore. When I quit enabling, she cut ties with me. I hope that you can maintain a relationship with your son, no matter what.

Barbara said...

I'm happy for you that you have found a good home group and that Al-Anon is helping. Good for you for calling your sponsor when you recognized you were reacting during Z's visit.

I hope the surgery goes well and that any discomfort it causes is well worth all the pain it relieves in the long run! Let us know how it goes.

Anonymous said...

Your progress is inspiring!

Annette said...

Beautiful stuff there Love. I am happy for you. Will keep you in my thoughts regarding the surgery. Enjoy your recovery time. :o)