January 26, 2010

Here I go again...Help!

My step-son is leaving for Utah tomorrow, he has been here for a month visiting. He and Z are very close and have been running around quite a bit, haven't seen much of them since a couple of days after Christmas. My step-son D moved to Utah a couple of years ago as he had a job opportunity and wanted to get out of the town (he also has drug issues). He has worked there for about 2 1/2 years but was recently laid off and is on unemployment. He is going back and I believe he feels he needs to not come back to this area right now as he feels tempted here.

My husband gave Z's probation officer his cell phone number last Friday so she could contact him directly. He told me tonight while here visiting that they did a random drug test Monday and he passed. I asked him what the different in him passing that drug test and all ther others he has been given in his required probation drug classes was. He stated that at the probation drug testing they have mirrors and watch you with open doors, while drug class does not. I knew there must have been somethng happening at those drug class tests because he has been using off and on (mostly on I suspect).

He had a new pair of sunglasses and an IPOD, and I again assumed he bought these items with his "school money" he received, but who knows. He left his clothes and items in my garage and he is hinting around about having to try and figure stuff out. He wants to call my cousin in a nearby town to see if he can get a job at his car dealership (at first he wanted me to make that call, told him not my deal). I talked to him and told him I would appreciate it if my cousin does end up hiring him that he be truly ready to work and not burn bridges with them, otherwise, I am staying the hell out of it. His plan is to get a job there ASAP so he can then ask probation for a transfer. THEN, he starts to hand me a pink piece of paper to hold on to for him, but hesitates. I asked him what it was and he told me it was a slip for a TV he pawned. He looked it over real careful and then handed it to me, and I tossed it on the table. We discussed a friend of his whose mother is dying of cancer. This friend took his mom's car and got into an accident, he was driving on a suspended license for the third time and had stolen property in the car. I found out from my son the stolen property came from another one of their friends who has been stealing things from PG&E yard and trading/selling it for drugs.

So I know you all know where this is going in my little co-dependent head. I have a few butterflies in my tummy tonight for sure. I am just so afraid he has gotten into the whole stealing/pawning/receiving crap. He also knows I do not want him living with me right now and he doesn't really want to either. I suspect he will be coming to me in the next week though as he is soon to run out of avenues again.

So my blogger friends, I am not even gonna sound strong tonight and throw out all about what I know, what I need to do, how I need to take care of me, etc. What I am gonna throw out there is a bit of a desperate plea to you all to give it to me straight...gently. I need your support so fire away.


Madison said...

Addiction is a chronic illness that ultimately has to be managed by the addict for the rest of their lives. Addicts seek short-term solutions. An endless string of situations where there is only one choice left - stop doing drugs - can end in a life-changing moment of clarity. Try not to be the short-term solution that keeps addiction alive. While he walks through this hell, pray that he lives - but let him manage the problems he has because of his addiction. That's my straight truth. Take care of yourself. There's nothing worse than what you are watching your son go through. Building your life and your actions and your reactions around the chaos resulting from his illness is not in his best interest and can be devastating for both you and for him. If my child had cancer and chemotherapy made her ill and I didn't get that the chemotherapy was helpful, I would want to stop the medicine. Sometimes with addiction, it's difficult to allow troubles to mount - but this might be exactly what produces a turning point in your son's life. The blogs of recovering addicts are sometimes more enlightening than the blogs of loving relatives. Alanon is a terrific resource. No matter how long your son walks in his addiction, you get to have your life back right now. I join you in praying for your son and my heart goes out to you.

Fractalmom said...

Okay. you asked for it, you got it :)

yeah. he's using. and doing the pawn/steal/fence thingy. you know that.

don't have him in your house. change locks. keep contact to phone calls and meetings away from house.

meet for lunch, do NOT discuss habits, lifestyles, drugs unless HE brings it up.

let it go. it is HIS problem. addicts are very smart and resilient. he will get by just fine. or not. that is in God's hands, not yours.

as Lou said, addicts have overdosed on the street, and in their parents houses. if they are gonna use, they are gonna do it everywhere.

your only salvation is in separating yourself from the insanity.

arrange it so that you are not touched by it in a direct manner. you will always be touched indirectly, you cannot help that.

but you dont' have to have it in your house, or deal with the chaos, or hold pawn slips, etc.

Garnet said...

Hmm. I'm good at 'straight', but not so good at 'gentle'. But I don't know if you really need my input. It sounds like you already know what you need to hear. And what you need to do. I think I agree! That post was all about him. What's happening in YOUR life?

Love and hugs. This stuff isn't easy. So be easy on yourself.

TBL said...

I am sort of jumping into this without all the history, I do not have the time to read through your older posts. What I can say, from the other side of this debate, is that all of us are not thieves etc. You know your Son better than anyone in here, and you need to follow your instincts.

I my self continue to try and stop, it is something I would probably give up on without the support of family, don't give up. They are the only reason I try, which may be why I am failing again, better to try...

It is not over till he is dead (regardless of him reforming or not), be confident that if that happens you did all you could.

I wish you all the best...

clean and crazy said...

girl you know what you need, you need a spa day.
just go off and take care of you and forget about this for a few hours, then your head will clear and then you can listen to fractal moms comment because i feel she is right. it is your baby and a lot of prayers and e-hugs going your way because this is such a hard situation and you are my hero for being such a strong mom.

Barbara aka Layla said...

I have no advice, just a hell of a lot of empathy and concern.

LisaC said...

You are right...you know what is going on. I can't add anything constructive over the other comments except to say I am praying for you and your son.

Sherry said...

Renee -

I hope you're feeling better today - just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and Z!

Heather's Mom said...

Take some time, allow your feelings... pray.
Love him, but take care of you!
Sending love, huggs and prayers :)

Syd said...

I think that your son has become the focus and not you. I find that I know the truth deep inside. I may choose to deny that truth but have found it doesn't do any good to live in denial. Take care of yourself.

Annette said...

Read all of the comments to me from my past couple hysterical posts...they helped me so much, maybe you will find something there that will help you too. Today our counselor said that I keep bringing H's bottom up...so she never really sinks to its lowest level. Its time for me to back out of her life and let whatever happen that is meant to happen. I know that you know that is much easier said than done. The whole thing sucks imo. ((HUG))

Kim A. said...

It is so easy for me to volunteer to step back on that merry-go-round if I am not working my program everyday. In fact, my brain can just wander down all sorts of paths before I know it. Your awareness is a BIG thing. This is good. (pat on back for you!) When I am aware then I know I have tools to use. I double my meetings, I make a call or 3, I write it out, or blog it out, I pray for the wisdom to see that I am not my son's HP and don't see the big picture. You know the old Awareness, Acceptance, And Action bit. You got the first part down!!