January 20, 2010

Forced to Look Into the Silence

It has been pretty calm at my house lately, no "Chaos", no emergencies of the night, phone calls needing this or that. I have been attempting for quite some time to work on self soothing techniques and just taking care of my needs. I realized this past week just how difficult that is for me, and I was really surprised by it. I have taken some steps but there is so much more to be done. I know now that the silence without the chaos is forcing me to look at myself, which of course I never took the time to do. I find myself being lazy about it, depressed and making excuses. I have health issues with my weight now and I haven't been to the gym or truly exercised in a very long time. I don't sleep well, actually fight it at times. I don't take care of my home the way I like to and don't concentrate well at work. Don't get me wrong, not beating myself up at all, just looking at it and astounded at how difficult I have found it to just do simple things for self care.

I am the type of person that goes all out or nothing. So when I start a weight loss journey, I start out over exercising, under eating, everything to the extreme. I do this with many things and then set myself up that way. I guess it is just difficult to break old habits. My counselor stated to me tonight that we all have a lazy person inside us and nobody likes to swallow the nasty pill. I started thinking about this as motivation or wanting to change things is not enough. It is like taking that nasty little pill for a terrible virus, to get well, you have to do it, otherwise you remain ill. I need to walk for 10 minutes a day to start, watch my food intake and what I put in my mouth. Read a good book instead of veg out in front of the TV every night after work. Meditate and read Al-anon material daily. That in and of itself would be enough, enough for now.

Then I really started letting the brain go on this whole thing and realized what extreme expectations I have put on my son over the years. I mean, here he is an addict, smoking oxy and doing whatever with any opiates he can get, with people all around him tempting him. I expect that he can just figure it out, get help and get well, done. But then I think, I can't seem to get in 10 minutes of exercise and I used to do five times that much with a much more hectic schedule. I can't seem to eat the right portions of food because it is put in front of me. Oh how the addicts must struggle with all the temptation put before them.

I also spoke with my son a little tonight, hadn't talked to him in about two weeks or more. He sounded loaded, but I didn't bring it up. He also had court Tuesday that I found out about at work as i ran the daily calendar. I did not freak out as to whether he made it to court, what it was about, what would happen, and believe me, one year ago, I would have been all up in that. Come to find out, he made it to court on time and they did not press charges (having a smoking device). Six months ago, I would have been freaking out knowing he was using again, while on probation and trying to "fix" it. He goes to his probation meetings, they drug test him and somehow he must pass the tests? He is for sure using so not sure how that is happening, but again, not my deal. I have a feeling in about two weeks he is going to be coming back around wanting to stay at my home again. His step-brother will be headed back out of town and that is who he has been hanging with wherever they hang. I really feel I need to keep the boundary to a "no, you can't live with me anymore". I will give him rides to probation, let him do the recycling to save the money for his fines (he has been doing this for several months). I will maybe take him to lunch or invite him to dinner sometime, but I just don't think I can live with him like this anymore. I am going to try and not project, but get myself in a better place in mind, body and spirit. So for now, my plan is the following:

Walk 10 minutes a day (or more if time or feel like it)
Journal my food and try to eat healthy foods
Get to bed 1/2 hour earlier than normal
Make a daily list of things I need to get done, limit to 2-5 items
Buy a sweet little purse gratitude journal like the one Lou posted about:)
Keep close to my blogger support group, love you guys!!



Kim A. said...

You and I seem to have brains that are wired alike. I have done the weight/exercise/housekeeping merry-go-round for a long time. I can share this. I will never have on my epitaph "World's Greatest Housekeeper who died at her perfect weight." I finally realized..it is one day at a time. I asked for help with the house. I prayed. I got help. I weigh 205. My kids love me. My hubby loves me. My friends and HP love me. I practice loving me each day now. Baby steps. The fact that you have learned to let go and let HP with your son is so awesome..I was just beaming at your sharing. Now I'm babbling.


Lou said...

There is so much growth here, I don't know where to start. For you, AND your son, success builds on small accomplishments every day. When you walk 10 minutes, you feel good about yourself. Every time you do it, you have more confidence in yourself. It's the same for your son..every time he makes a good decision by himself he feels confidence. I'm seeing this in my son. I don't mean addiction goes away, it never does (uggh), but I believe that true sobriety is built on those daily, mundane victories.

As for letting him come home, you don't have to make a decision today. With my son, we took our time and waited for "signs".

Syd said...

Renee, these sound like great goals. Such self-care is good and so are boundaries.

Her Big Sad said...

I like your list of goals. It's a learning process and you are right on with the baby steps - the one day at a time efforts - they add up! I slip into slug mode sometimes and it's a fight to restart the effort, but I'm learning to just focus on the one day's efforts. :)

Barbara aka Layla said...

I can also relate to a lot of what you said about self care. Last night I realized that there is NO EXCUSE at all for me not to have lost weight and developed better health habits in the last 8 months of not working. But I go in spurts, all or nothing like you. It takes a lifestyle change for permanent results. I've been depressed lately because I am tired of being alone and even though I am not huge, the majority of men around here don't go for women that have less than perfect bodies (anyone from Orange County knows I am telling the truth on that). Sorry...I got off on a tangent.

I hear lots of growth in this blog. You inspire me. Keep up the good work, the progress you've made is VERY noticeable sine I first "met" you.

Heather's Mom said...

I am so much like you with everything you said (except I'm not having health problems due to any of it), but otherwise... geez!
I think you have the right idea about everything you wrote.
I recently did the same thing - made it a point to take care of myself. Beware of these sneaky guilt feelings that creep up - when all you're doing is something for yourself!!! You deserve it, so take those 10 minutes to walk etc, and if any guilt feeling sneak up, shoo them away - this is the minimum you deserve!
love to you too :) God bless!

Cat said...

The silence was the very start for me to learn to really live, fully.

Embrace it. Good things are going on.