January 20, 2010
Forced to Look Into the Silence
It has been pretty calm at my house lately, no "Chaos", no emergencies of the night, phone calls needing this or that. I have been attempting for quite some time to work on self soothing techniques and just taking care of my needs. I realized this past week just how difficult that is for me, and I was really surprised by it. I have taken some steps but there is so much more to be done. I know now that the silence without the chaos is forcing me to look at myself, which of course I never took the time to do. I find myself being lazy about it, depressed and making excuses. I have health issues with my weight now and I haven't been to the gym or truly exercised in a very long time. I don't sleep well, actually fight it at times. I don't take care of my home the way I like to and don't concentrate well at work. Don't get me wrong, not beating myself up at all, just looking at it and astounded at how difficult I have found it to just do simple things for self care.
I am the type of person that goes all out or nothing. So when I start a weight loss journey, I start out over exercising, under eating, everything to the extreme. I do this with many things and then set myself up that way. I guess it is just difficult to break old habits. My counselor stated to me tonight that we all have a lazy person inside us and nobody likes to swallow the nasty pill. I started thinking about this as motivation or wanting to change things is not enough. It is like taking that nasty little pill for a terrible virus, to get well, you have to do it, otherwise you remain ill. I need to walk for 10 minutes a day to start, watch my food intake and what I put in my mouth. Read a good book instead of veg out in front of the TV every night after work. Meditate and read Al-anon material daily. That in and of itself would be enough, enough for now.
Then I really started letting the brain go on this whole thing and realized what extreme expectations I have put on my son over the years. I mean, here he is an addict, smoking oxy and doing whatever with any opiates he can get, with people all around him tempting him. I expect that he can just figure it out, get help and get well, done. But then I think, I can't seem to get in 10 minutes of exercise and I used to do five times that much with a much more hectic schedule. I can't seem to eat the right portions of food because it is put in front of me. Oh how the addicts must struggle with all the temptation put before them.
I also spoke with my son a little tonight, hadn't talked to him in about two weeks or more. He sounded loaded, but I didn't bring it up. He also had court Tuesday that I found out about at work as i ran the daily calendar. I did not freak out as to whether he made it to court, what it was about, what would happen, and believe me, one year ago, I would have been all up in that. Come to find out, he made it to court on time and they did not press charges (having a smoking device). Six months ago, I would have been freaking out knowing he was using again, while on probation and trying to "fix" it. He goes to his probation meetings, they drug test him and somehow he must pass the tests? He is for sure using so not sure how that is happening, but again, not my deal. I have a feeling in about two weeks he is going to be coming back around wanting to stay at my home again. His step-brother will be headed back out of town and that is who he has been hanging with wherever they hang. I really feel I need to keep the boundary to a "no, you can't live with me anymore". I will give him rides to probation, let him do the recycling to save the money for his fines (he has been doing this for several months). I will maybe take him to lunch or invite him to dinner sometime, but I just don't think I can live with him like this anymore. I am going to try and not project, but get myself in a better place in mind, body and spirit. So for now, my plan is the following:
Walk 10 minutes a day (or more if time or feel like it)
Journal my food and try to eat healthy foods
Get to bed 1/2 hour earlier than normal
Make a daily list of things I need to get done, limit to 2-5 items
Buy a sweet little purse gratitude journal like the one Lou posted about:)
Keep close to my blogger support group, love you guys!!