Well I finally got to see my counselor last night after her being off for health reasons for 4 months. It was nice to see her and listen to her comments, very comforting like an old comfy robe. Lately I have been catching myself when I go to do something for me, something to take care of myself, then stopping. I notice that I feel bad about having fun, or leaving an allowing someone else to feel lonesome. Now mind you I realize this is not proper thinking, but it is what I do and have done for many, many years. I feel guilt before I do something that shouldn't make me feel guilty in the first place!
So we discussed it for a bit and she threw out an analogy...and you all know how I LOVE analogies:) So here goes. She asked me if I had ever quit smoking to which I told her I had and it was one of the hardest things in my life to do. She said that these guilt feelings that I am having are embedded, habitual false guilt. It is a habit that needs to be broken. So she asks me what I did to quit smoking, each time I wanted to smoke like after eating, waking up, going to sleep, you know if you have ever been a smoker, you want to smoke after and before EVERYTHING you do! So I told her I refrained and moved through the urge reminding myself how long I had gone without a smoke and how great that was for my health. She said, do the same thing with these habitual false guilt thoughts.
As with quitting smoking, or any other habit or addiction, it is difficult at first, but practice makes perfect. So I am gonna catch those little nasty false guilt thoughts and stomp them out, then go forward with my own life instead of over-participating in others.
I am still trying to upload my photos from our little get away and will post something this week on that. I also need to start taking my health into consideration and lose some weight. Three major deaths and much grief over my addicted son has put an extra 30 pounds on my small frame. I need to take responsibility for the way I have handled my stress now, it is time. I also needed to put that in writing because it feels official now.
Have a happy week!