I am the type of person that usually reacts when my buttons are pushed. Lately I have been trying to "bite my tongue" so to speak and think a bit before my reactions of anger flow out like water from the tap. I have been doing pretty well with that until today. My son brought a young girl (friend) out to swim today to our house. They swam and sat around for awhile and then she left. My son had obviously been drinking and probably using opiates last night. He said he just had been drinking and wanted to sleep, after all it is the weekend you know. Geez! So I just laid into him, telling him I thought he should take a drug test, which I have on hand. He was hesitant and then when he did agree, he didn't need to pee...I didn't really need him to as I knew in my gut what I have known for a bit of time now, he has relapsed and is dishonest to himself and the family. I advised him I thought he should go to town and that maybe he should just find a place to live. He just laid there and tried to keep quiet. I was screaming that if he doesn't get help or shows up at my home loaded one more time he is out. I told him that I hoped he didn't think I wasn't serious as I have not always been one to say what I mean and mean what I say, just quick reactions. I pray that when (not if) he does this again I have the strength within me to mean what I say, say what I mean. I need this strength for he and I. I so wish this could be easier and more clear cut. I read of others that are able to tough love it to the point of not allowing their loved addict to live with them. Maybe it is because I have had three family deaths in the past 1 1/2 years that I am even more fearful of losing family as I don't have much left. I have kicked my son out of my home before when his addiction was so awful that there was no other answer, and frankly he was usually ready to go. He isn't ready to go this time, and I am not sure I am ready to make him go. I know I am the only one that can do it and it has to be done when I gain the strength emotionally to do it. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to. God, please help me, I am lost and feel so fragile.