September 19, 2009

Tongue Biting



I am the type of person that usually reacts when my buttons are pushed. Lately I have been trying to "bite my tongue" so to speak and think a bit before my reactions of anger flow out like water from the tap. I have been doing pretty well with that until today. My son brought a young girl (friend) out to swim today to our house. They swam and sat around for awhile and then she left. My son had obviously been drinking and probably using opiates last night. He said he just had been drinking and wanted to sleep, after all it is the weekend you know. Geez! So I just laid into him, telling him I thought he should take a drug test, which I have on hand. He was hesitant and then when he did agree, he didn't need to pee...I didn't really need him to as I knew in my gut what I have known for a bit of time now, he has relapsed and is dishonest to himself and the family. I advised him I thought he should go to town and that maybe he should just find a place to live. He just laid there and tried to keep quiet. I was screaming that if he doesn't get help or shows up at my home loaded one more time he is out. I told him that I hoped he didn't think I wasn't serious as I have not always been one to say what I mean and mean what I say, just quick reactions. I pray that when (not if) he does this again I have the strength within me to mean what I say, say what I mean. I need this strength for he and I. I so wish this could be easier and more clear cut. I read of others that are able to tough love it to the point of not allowing their loved addict to live with them. Maybe it is because I have had three family deaths in the past 1 1/2 years that I am even more fearful of losing family as I don't have much left. I have kicked my son out of my home before when his addiction was so awful that there was no other answer, and frankly he was usually ready to go. He isn't ready to go this time, and I am not sure I am ready to make him go. I know I am the only one that can do it and it has to be done when I gain the strength emotionally to do it. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to. God, please help me, I am lost and feel so fragile.

9 comments:

Madison said...

It's difficult for me to set boundaries that impact the lives of others. I have to set them solely to benifit me. So, whatever is the thing that ruins your life, set a boundary there and don't cross over it. I say no to drugs, but yes to treatment. I honestly don't have one more day of enabling left in me. I don't think about the horror of my daughter dying, I think about the horror of her living day in and day out, year after year, in hell on earth. In the right time, you'll know what to do.

Tall Kay said...

I volunteer at a homeless womans shelter and it's a free recovery program for 30 days. In my experience, the ones that have chosen to dig into AA and sobriety, are the ones who ran out of ideas and family who kept enabling their addictions. You have gone to the source for answers, and God will let you know when the time is right. You are in my prayers.

Dad and Mom said...

I've done the thing of letting anger guide my setting of boundaries. I yelled the words before, "If you're going to used drugs get the hell out of my house and take your druggie shit with you!" It did work then even after more than one try.

I have realized boundaries must be contemplated in a cool calm peaceful setting. By yourself with a lot of inner reflection on the impact up YOU. You can only set boundaries for your self.

After you have contemplated on your boundaries and decided to communicate them to your addict you have to do it as calmly and unemotionally as possible in a comfortable place.

My best success has come when I use the word "I" more than the word "YOU". For example, "I cannot live with someone that uses illegal drugs and continues a lifestyle of destroying themselves." See that takes it to the addict in a way that any threatening tone is inside of them not from from you.

Said while angry words carry a lot of hurt but no meaning.

Good luck and keep writing.

Dad and Mom said...

It didn't work even after more than one try.

Sorry typo on the didn't on my post.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Madison, Kay and Mom & Dad...thank you all for supporting me. You are all wise and I feel comforted by your comments. I like the idea of knowing that I will know when the time is right, and to set my boudaries before discussing, especially not in anger. Thank you all!

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

So sorry you're going through this. Don't know what else to say right now, but keep writing and being open to the sage advise of others...its such a huge help to me. I am scared to death of what will happen when my son gets out of jail. I hate the thought of him in there but I cherish the peace of mind. Its weird.

sydney said...

If he isn't ready to go, it's the perfect time to make him leave. He's gotta clean up his life on his own.

Syd said...

I think that this must be one of the hardest things. I hope that you will find the strength to do what you need to do when the time comes.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Thanks you guys once again for the support. It means so much, so much.