September 23, 2009

Overpowered


Fair warning, this is going to be a ramble of a post. I feel so overpowered right now by my son and his addiction. First of all my husband and brother went to paint a house we have on the coast so they are not home for 5 days. What I thought would be a nice night to rest and get better (been pretty sick) ended up not being near that. I got home and know that my son broke into the house, he said the back door was unlocked but I am pretty positive I locked it. There was a scheduled power outage at my home today so he was outside doing his homework. Anyways, I let it go after telling him never to do it again and made some soup while he did some chores. We ate dinner and talked a bit, then I called my cousin and we both spoke with her on the phone, overall, not bad at this point. I noticed while I was on the phone that he was going in and out of the house quite a bit and seemed odd. I usually can tell when he is not right but tonight wasn't positive, that is until a few minutes ago. He went into his room and layed down (at 8:30 pm). I walked in and tried to wake him, took a while so he is for sure high. I kind of yelled a little and told him I thought I should take him into town. Of course I can't move him and he just said no. I told him to set his alarm for school tomorrow because I wasn't waking him up and would leave without him. Told him I didn't want to see him like this at my home ever again (this has been said way too many times with no action). What am I to do, call the cops? I am sick and my husband is gone, I just don't want to deal with it. Now I feel like I have to go to his door for a few hours to make sure he is breathing. I feel so sad, angry and frustrated all at once. I feel helpless and overpowered. I have given his addiction my power. At least for today. I pray to God he makes it through this. At least when he does drugs away from me I don't have to see it, out of sight out of mind kind of thing. I don't know what to do right now, feel too weak to deal with it so I will do nothing. If there are any of you that feel this lost right now, please share with me, I feel so alone tonight. I just had to write, my fingers are just typing without me even thinking I am so afraid and angry. God help me and my son, God help us all who are struggling with this demon. Sorry for the ramble to any who read this, just had to get it out somewhere. I feal like such a weak person and such a failure for not following through with my boundaries and letting myself and my son down.

13 comments:

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I wish I could sit next to you right now and just hold your hand or something tangible. I sense your anguish. Its so confusing sometimes not knowing exactly what to do, or knowing and not having the physical or emotional strength to do it. I wish I had words of wisdom to share. For me, my son's actions led him to where he is now (headed to rehab) and I am glad that it was no longer in my hands because I felt so helpless. I am sitting here praying for you, sending concern and love your way, hoping and praying for all of us and our children. This is such a hellish thing to go through, I'm sure none of us ever imagined we'd be dealing with this kind of serious and heartbreaking situation with our kids.

Madison said...

Those of us with loved ones who are suffering from this understand what you are going through. I think we change in stages. No one will have the right answer for you. It's exhausting and the decisions are very difficult. Once I decided that I was going to live in a safe and drug free environment, the new boundary changed everything. I love everybody around me, but in my space I'm going to walk in and feel safe and no one is going to be doing drugs. You can't lower the bar much lower than that, but that boundary changed everything. There are tools to help people with that boundary - hospitals to care for those who can't wake up; judges to court-order those who are self-destructive to treatment; cute matching deadbolts at Home Depot; police to cart off those with illegal drugs; uncomfortable cots at the Salvation Army for those who aren't ready to use tools to help them live drug free. I know it sounds harsh and unloving and all that. Strong, fearless boundaries. Aren't those the kinds of boundaries that we wish are loved ones would put in their own lives when it comes to their friends who do drugs? It's not easy. Like I mentioned, this may not be right for you. I hope you find an Alanon group to support you through this. One more thing...your son can come out of this and have a wonderful future. Keep the faith.

Dad and Mom said...

Addiction is powerful on the addict but also on the loved one. We hurt to see them like that and fear the worst for them even when they cannot see the worst. I beleive there is no shame in that.

You set your boundaries. That is good but the one thing I have experienced is boundaries are not immovable objects. There is no guilt in doing what is right for you and him if it also includes good intervention after the scene is over. Learn from this experience. What made you relax your boundary and take that learning and apply it to the next time, and there will be a next time.

My only suggestion and it is probably too late for this time. I would not leave him in the house when you left for work. He must get up and leave and make it clear he is not a welcome guest in your home unless you are home and he is invited.

Gin said...

We that live with addicts always have days where the addiction seems stronger than our program. Don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity. I am thinking of you.

Cat said...

oh god - you could be me and your son mine... seriously I know you that piece of you that thinks " just leave me alone and let me have some peace"...

This week has been tough it sounds like your health and being under the weather has influenced you, but just remember to be as consistent as possible... I find that when I have stopped being consistent I have more trouble reeling my son back into how things are supposed to be...

Being the mom of a child like this is difficult, just keep doing the best you can.

(hugs)

Tall Kay said...

Healthy boundaries are sooo hard to keep when we are feeling powerless. Please know in your heart that you are not alone. God is with you and your son. An Al-Anon meeting right about now may provide some relief. You are in my prayers. {{Mom}}

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Thank you all for reaching out to me because I really need the support right now. I have a counseling session with a new therapist tonight. I am also going to look into Al-Anon in the town closest to us about 30 miles as our Al-Anon is almost non-existent.
Mom & Dad, I don't allow him to stay at our house when I am gone, he "somehow" got in. He said the back door was unlocked but I am pretty positive it was locked. So basically he broke into the house for the first time. I told him that it wasn't acceptable and reminded him that I didn't want him in the house without me being there or my permission. He did go to school today and I told him to bring extra clothes because I wouldn't be home until late and I need some alone time. It made him sad, every time I have to tell him to stay away it is so difficult as I see the hurt in his eyes and his actions. But it is his choice to continue to use and that is the end result. I just want to thank you all for letting me know that I may just be having a hard day and not able to deal with it appropriately, but that doesn't mean it will always be that way. I tend to do that, think it will always be black or white, so permanent, when it really isn't. God Bless you all so much for being here for me, you are making a difference, please know that.

Syd said...

I think that Al-Anon would help you greatly. There are parents in the program who are dealing with the issues that you bring up here. I hope that you will get to a meeting.

Marsha said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I dealt with my son breaking into the house and stealing from us prior to his moving to KY. I know where you're coming from, but thankfully we have a bit of a reprieve right now.

Chic Mama said...

Hi, I read this this morning before I took my children to school- I have 5, one is a baby(2) so I didn't have time to comment but I felt like crying then and re reading feel like crying still. I've been thinking about your post all day. I can hear the desperation in your words and they sound like mine although my husband doesn't live with us or even want to. ( in some respects I feel we've had a lucky escape) I absolutely hate drugs and the devastation they cause and it's us the family/friends that suffer the most. I tend to absolve my husband of his bad behaviour and still make excuses for him but actually it's very selfish behaviour and I'm so sorry your son is putting you through this.I can totally understand how you are feeling- If it were one of my children I don't know if I could practise tough love either.
Look after yourself and I hope you managed to get some respite today.

Fractalmom said...

when you get there, you will KNOW. I kicked my pregnant daughter out when she was 4 months pregnant, and yes, it was snowing, and yes, we were 30 miles from nowhere.

It felt very, um....sad, but relieved at the same time. I told her not to call me, not to come over and not to bother until she was clean.

when she called, if she was stoned, i hung up the phone and then turned it off.

Then, I changed all the locks.

she didn't die.

Tough love is tougher on us than it is on them. Hard to believe but true.

Annette said...

((HUG)) Lots of good replies here....no need for me to say anything. Just know I'm here and I hear you.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I am going to print this page and use it when I feel like I am slipping into my weaknesses. I am blessed by you all and your AWESOME comments.