September 16, 2009


So my son had a college paper due for his Humanities class and last night I helped him a little with it. It happened to be about who he thought killed Kennedy and why. He really enjoyed doing the research about all the conspiracy theories and learned a lot. It was so great to see him get into the learning process, haven't seen that in so long with him. He was excited for school and his paper.

He got a ride from school today to a friends house. He called about 10:30 pm and said he had tried to call earlier for a ride (he no longer has a cell phone). He asked if I could bring clothes into town so he could just pick them up there for school tomorrow(we don't give him a key to our house and it is locked when we go to work). As I was on the phone with him asking him how his teacher liked his paper, and asking him which clothes he wanted, I happened upon the jeans he requested. They of course were in his hamper but not really dirty. Well, they actually were dirty because I felt something strange in the pocket and went to clean it out. Yep, that wonderful, beautiful, evil shiny piece of foil. I of course asked him about it like he would even go there truthfully with me. It so ruined the story about how his teacher liked his paper. I am so let down, even though I was pretty aware he has been using to some degree, I guess I just don't want to face it, plus he is so much better than he was at the height of his addiction. I know, I know, he is still using but I am just not ready. I hate foil, who would have thought such a handy thing would end up being on my top ten list of things I hate.

I am sad and feel a bit defeated tonight. It used to be worse for me, I used to set myself much more often. My expectations used to be so high I couldn't even meet them. I have learned to not really have any expectations but in the process, I do not allow myself to feel the hurt most times. I also don't allow myself to feel too excited about anything. I know that without going through the pain, I won't feel joy. I guess I am just tired of grieving and am not doing the work on my own recovery very well. Blah!


Gin said...

All of us living with addicts have these little things that trigger us. Mine is red plastic Dixie cups. I hate them with a passion! I'm so sorry!

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Oh, God, my stomach lurched for you. How well I know that feeling. I used to dread it when my husband would stack foils for me to see-- which I asked him to do. They are evil-- I hate that nasty dark line from the heroin. I hate foil, too.
I'm so sorry.

Cat said...

Ugh! Hey having a kid who is behaving similairly I can relate - it is disappointing and much because for me anyway - I wanted to much more and I know he can do so much better, but he just does'nt.

Hang in there.

Syd said...

I'm sorry about that. It must be a let down and of course, there is disappointment. I could feel it within myself since I thought it would be good that his teacher liked the paper. There are most days that I am glad not to have a child in today's world.

Dad and Mom said...

We keep our aluminum foil locked in the trunk of the car. It doesn't stop anything but it just means he can't use ours.

It was quite funny one time we had dinner guests and the wife ask me to get her some foil. I just naturally got up went to the car pulled out my keys and got the foil. She got what she needed and I took it back. We got some real strange questioning type looks.

Told them if you don't know why, don't ask.

Chic Mama said...

How old is your son? :0(

It's all very well this 'recovery' stuff...but if your child is that young I'm not sure how it works....I'm being sympathetic. I don't know how you do it....seeing your child do that to themselves, at least the children and I are out of it. We just get the knock on effects from a distance.
I really hope he listens to you and manages eventually to sort himself out.

BTW- my pet hate is seeing people rub their noses, I instantly think I wonder if they use cocaine....I can't help it but be suspicious.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Gin-thanks for the support and I too am sorry you have to hate something like Dixie cups. You are such a loving person and it always comes through to me in your writing.

Debby-thank you for the support. I feel connected to you and know that you understand. I am glad you will be following my blog:)

Cat-I am sorry you also have a child behaving as my son is. It is not the desired group to be in, but it is a loving and supportive group for sure.

Syd-you are always make me feel hope and such compassion comes from your writing. It is a shame I always tell younger people "don't have children". Something a mother should never advise another.

Mom & Dad-funny I have my foil locked in our gun safe out in the garage. I never look at it. You are such an inspiration to me and I thank you so much for your honesty and support as I know you also understand all too well.

Chic Mama-my son is a man child (age 23). I know what you mean about rubbing of the nose, I also hate people walking around sniffing constantly. Thank you also so much for being so supportive.

I feel better knowing I have people out there who care and are willing to be there for me when I need it.

clean and crazy said...

i think you said it best, work on your own recovery. i am so sorry about the foil, i remember mom kept asking where are all the spoons? i thought, i don't know, it wasn't until after i stopped using that i found a whole bunch of dirty spoons in the basement. how terrible the feeling was to see them. right there, then i remember i started to shake and i asked my sisters husband to throw them out, he said don't you want to wash them?
i bought mom a whole bunch of new silverware.
mom could not stop me from using, i had to hit my bottom, my only thing was that when i was using, i told mom about it, i thought i will be honest, that will be better then lying or sneaking behind her back?!? how insane that is i don't know but i had enough self guilt to not want to add lying to my own mother. that is just a little of my story. i am sorry about the foil, and mom i am sorry i lost your spoons.

Dad and Mom said...

Please, plesae , plese,

Give me a break, it is pollen season and my allergeries are killing me and I feel like my brain is draining out my nose. Even with mega-doses of allergy pills and yes I do go to doctors and pharmacists and they have stores. There store does not involve standing on street corners with their pants hanging half down their ass.

Please don't lump me with those people with running noses that bleed, I am only the father of an addict.

Gledwood said...

What do you mean? Was he smoking heroin off of tinfoil or something..??

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Gledwood, he has smoked oxycotin, norco and vicoden off of foil, and he probably has done herion but i am not aware of it if he has, just assume at this point he has. All are opiate based, some just stronger than others is all.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I hate foil so much....and I don't hate spoons but I hate noticing they are missing.

I read all these comments and see you have some new readers that are very lucky people to not understand what all this about. I hope they never have to relate to keeping tinfoil hidden. I keep it under my bed which is probably not the smartest place but that's where it is.

I also hate to admit this but when my childless friends feel bad that they never had kids and are now past childbearing age, I tell them to be thankful. You know I love my son more than life itself, but today's world is not the world we grew up in and its only getting worse (sorry to sound negative).

I care deeply about you and your son and pray for ALL of the parents here everyday.