November 25, 2009

Oh the Angst of it all!

I sometimes have trouble putting my thoughts in writing. Maybe it is because I have become somewhat disconnected with myself? I decided to write this even if it doesn't come off eloquently and hopeful it will make some sense.

I am so angry, at first I thought "at" my son, but now I just think it is pure stress. I thought maybe it originated from fear, all the anger that I act out towards my boy, but now I think I am just fed up with it all. Maybe I should get out of my head and quit trying to figure out why I am so short and mean to him and get out of my own head for a bit? I don't want to become bitter, but afraid it is happening. The way I relate to my son is not healthy for me or him. I can't seem to bite my tongue enough (I wouldn't have a tongue)! I love my son so much and I see the desperation in him, but I am finding myself being angered by his desperation? I am just so sick of dealing with it, looking at it, being around it, his addiction. I feel like such a shit of a mother right now but I am exhausted from the battle, his battle, not mine. I fight it much more than he has and I know that isn't going to get him well. He was gone for over a month living with friends, etc. My brother has been staying with us, doing very well and we are trynig to assist him in getting his finances straight so he can get a payee and find a place to live. My brother is clean and helpful, is cooperative and taking his medications. He is a pleasure to be around. My son on the other hand still acts entitled, spoiled and disrespectful most times. There are times when he is very much a part of the family but it is few and far between. He now is struggling to find housing and I allowed him to sleep on our couch for a few nights. He says he has nowhere to go but he stayed at a friend's house last night.

I guess the true problem is my idea of abandonment. I felt abandoned emotionally by both parents and physically by another. I feel like I am abandoning my son, even though he will be 24 in a week. I know, I know, I know, but I guess I still haven't done my own work yet. I just bought two 12 step books on co-dependency from Amazon so I should have those soon, as long as I read them and not let them collect dust. I miss my counselor, she will not be practicing until January and the alternate counselor I didn't connect with at all. I need to go to some meetings out of town, which also makes me angry. Kind of dumb because it would be doing something for me, but also a pain to have to drive 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week at night after work so I can get better, meanwhile he sits and does what he does.

Sorry everyone, this has been building for awhile and bottom line is I am becoming an angry bitter person, espceially with my own son.

On a lighter note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families. I am grateful for the following:

1. My loving supportive husband
2. My brother being clean, sober and working towards a better future
3. My son being alive
4. My blogger support
5. My Christmas decor is up and really pretty
6. Shopping online for Christmas
7. Electricity and food, housing and all that goes with that
8. Having employment that pays well and is steady
9. Being open minded
10. Pumpkin Pie with whipped cream.



Her Big Sad said...

Oh Renee, I so identify with this. I am angry too. I am working on letting go of the anger, but it surfaces so quickly sometimes! And often it comes out at something totally unrelated to the real issue: the stress from dealing with the addict! Have you considered on-line meetings, since distance is an issue for you? I hope this next few weeks you can take some time for YOU, and maybe you and your hubby, and do something you enjoy. This gets so OLD, but we can get better at stepping aside and concentrating on our own lives. We're so fortunate to have this community to learn from and encourage each other. I'm praying you will have a blessed Thanksgiving. (your last gratitude made me hungry!)

Chic Mama said...

I have no idea how you stop the anger eating you up. I have the same problem. At least you recognise it though and are taking steps to help yourself.
Take care. xx

Annette said...

I love that picture! Made me LOL. I think anger is just part of the journey. It is festering and oozing and making itself known so it can be dealt with and purged.

Do you journal besides on here? I have a whole tablet from my early days with some big rants and raves inside.

A daily reader that I am loving these days is The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie.

((HUG)) You are not a "shit of a mother." You care so much....that says a lot. There is a lot to be mad at though...I so get that. No stuffing though....purge purge purge! :o)

Madison said...

I totally get every word. The only thing I can add is that I now sort of own up to the fact that I allowed this daily devastation to go and on and on. I think getting sucked into the vortex of this is a natural instinct in the name of love or abandonment or fear or whatever. It ends up controlling not only your loved one, but you too. It ruins their life and yours too. And it makes you sad and angry and tired and stressed. Then, one day you rise to live. You start to plan a great life and none of it is dependent on the way an addict feels. It's a long process though. I'm sure those books will help you.

Sherry said...

Renee -

I think it is great that you are working on understanding your emotions and perhaps accepting them. I believe that if we are doing the best we can do at any given moment (our best varies from day to day/moment to moment)then what else can we expect from ourselves! I'm still praying for you and Zach!

Prayer Girl said...

The only way out of anger/resentment that I have found has been (after years of trying everything else and reading every book I could get my hands on) to "work" the 12 steps with a sponsor. I've done this in AA and Al-Anon.

I could not work the 12 steps alone.

God bless your efforts and your recovery.

Happy Thanksgiving.


Tall Kay said...

By working the steps, I found the ones I was most angry with, miraclously change. I hope the books you ordered will help. Blessing to you and Happy Thanksgiving.

LisaC said...

Renee, even when in our hearts we know that it is the drug we are angry at, and not our loved one, it is the behavior of our loved ones that drives the angry reaction, at least for me.

I continue to feel anger and frustration, but at least it doesn't last as long, or disable me quite as much as it did.

Continue to hang in there; and you show your strength by listing the things you are still thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday. Take care.

Lou said...

You are going through a phase that will eventually take you to the other side--acceptance and detachment. I think the "phases" are necessary, and I know each person goes at their own pace.

Of course you are angry. You had big dreams for your son and you see them slipping away. I have to agree that acting that way towards him doesn't help either one of you. But you are so determined to get past this, I know you will.

I love your open mind. You will try all approaches. Some day you will put the anger away, and live your life--not the addicts--because everything else simply does not work. Until then, know you are a great mom.

Syd said...

I think that each of us deserves to feel better. I would be willing to drive, as I do 2 evenings a week, an hour to a meeting. I know that I feel better after being there. I deserve to work on my recovery. It is of paramount importance to my living a fulfilling life.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Thank you all so very much for the support. Sometimes I just go back and re-read all the comments to give me strength. Again, you are all wonderful and I appreciate each and every one of you.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

This sounds like me. While my son was living with me, I kept hoping for the tiniest sign that he was ready for a change in his life. I got caught up in that little dance-- spying, looking for clues, the inquisitions. Then I'd get mad because my son was lying. I'd lose it.

Now that my son doesn't live in my home anymore, I can find some peace. I still worry, but I'm headed where Lou mentioned-- I'm trying to get to the other side of acceptance and detachment.

The serenity prayers says so much. When I catch myself trying to fix my son, I have to close my eyes and say the serenity prayer out loud.


Cheri said...


I can truly identify with your feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness. I remember a time when I was so bitter towards our oldest son, when we were in the throws of drama and chaos with him, that if anyone even mentioned understanding his side of things, I would become livid with them.

Personally, I think it's healthy to admit your anger and your feelings. God already knows them anyhow. And once they are out there, He can help you begin to deal with them. And it's a process, much like layers of an onion. God will expose each layer and help us deal with it when we are able.

You are in our prayers,
Cheri and Wayne