November 25, 2009
Oh the Angst of it all!
I sometimes have trouble putting my thoughts in writing. Maybe it is because I have become somewhat disconnected with myself? I decided to write this even if it doesn't come off eloquently and hopeful it will make some sense.
I am so angry, at first I thought "at" my son, but now I just think it is pure stress. I thought maybe it originated from fear, all the anger that I act out towards my boy, but now I think I am just fed up with it all. Maybe I should get out of my head and quit trying to figure out why I am so short and mean to him and get out of my own head for a bit? I don't want to become bitter, but afraid it is happening. The way I relate to my son is not healthy for me or him. I can't seem to bite my tongue enough (I wouldn't have a tongue)! I love my son so much and I see the desperation in him, but I am finding myself being angered by his desperation? I am just so sick of dealing with it, looking at it, being around it, his addiction. I feel like such a shit of a mother right now but I am exhausted from the battle, his battle, not mine. I fight it much more than he has and I know that isn't going to get him well. He was gone for over a month living with friends, etc. My brother has been staying with us, doing very well and we are trynig to assist him in getting his finances straight so he can get a payee and find a place to live. My brother is clean and helpful, is cooperative and taking his medications. He is a pleasure to be around. My son on the other hand still acts entitled, spoiled and disrespectful most times. There are times when he is very much a part of the family but it is few and far between. He now is struggling to find housing and I allowed him to sleep on our couch for a few nights. He says he has nowhere to go but he stayed at a friend's house last night.
I guess the true problem is my idea of abandonment. I felt abandoned emotionally by both parents and physically by another. I feel like I am abandoning my son, even though he will be 24 in a week. I know, I know, I know, but I guess I still haven't done my own work yet. I just bought two 12 step books on co-dependency from Amazon so I should have those soon, as long as I read them and not let them collect dust. I miss my counselor, she will not be practicing until January and the alternate counselor I didn't connect with at all. I need to go to some meetings out of town, which also makes me angry. Kind of dumb because it would be doing something for me, but also a pain to have to drive 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week at night after work so I can get better, meanwhile he sits and does what he does.
Sorry everyone, this has been building for awhile and bottom line is I am becoming an angry bitter person, espceially with my own son.
On a lighter note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families. I am grateful for the following:
1. My loving supportive husband
2. My brother being clean, sober and working towards a better future
3. My son being alive
4. My blogger support
5. My Christmas decor is up and really pretty
6. Shopping online for Christmas
7. Electricity and food, housing and all that goes with that
8. Having employment that pays well and is steady
9. Being open minded
10. Pumpkin Pie with whipped cream.