November 3, 2009

Full Moon Rising

For many years I have shared a dance with my son, the dance of anger and resentment.  He pushes my buttons, I react, he reacts and so on.  I had done quite a bit of work on this and was doing well to sit with my emotions, not react immediately, just be a "watcher" so to speak.  As of late, I am finding myself bitter, angry and resentful of my son and quite frankly, acting it out on him.  I can't seem to be very nice to him at all, and have been ripping into him without him saying a word to set me off.  Today he asked for a ride home during my lunch hour so he could get some homework done.  I did so, with much traffic interruptions and me rushing along like a maniac.  When I came home from work he wanted a ride back into town to go bowling with some friends (non-addicts).  He had called me at work to ask first and I told him I would.  I found out he didn't do any of the homework that is due (mind you, it is HIS homework). I started in on him letting him know how sick of it all I was.  How he needs to grow up or get out.  How he needs to blah, blah, blah and some more blah!  I told him how we didn't have a real realtionship, it was based on his needing me to do things for him, nothing else.  How I was tired of being used and ready to live my life a bit more for myself.  On and on I went, the whole drive of 15 minutes to the bowling alley.  He has not been staying at home this past week, couch surfing I presume.  To make this shorter, I felt my words to some degree were my honest feelings, but some were just hurtful and my delivery was full of Anger!  I am not really beating myself up but feeling like that is not the best way to "support" my son who I want to get well.  I am becoming the bitter co-dependent and can't seem to help myself lately.  I also have gained over 30 pounds in the last two years, food is my addiction.  I need to be more honest with myself about how I have been using food to stave off my emotions, or avoid feeling at all.  I know the things I need to do but can't seem to muster the strength or motivation to do them.  So who am I to talk to my addict son about just getting better and stopping his drug abuse, when I am abusing food?  I mean, we have to eat to live, don't have to do drugs to live, but come on, over 30 pounds of emotional eating and no exercise.  That is not healthy living either.  So maybe I am beating myself up at bit....the moon is full and I feel like howling.


Madison said...

Don't feel guilty describing the truth. Much is expected of you, not so for your son. The toll of living like this is enormous.

Lou said...

I have felt that way, bitter and resentful, but yet I continued to be at my son's beck and call. It didn't bother him at all that I was feeling that way...I realized one day that it didn't bother him how anyone felt as long as his needs were getting met.

It hurts like hell, and we do things to compensate. I was a compulsive runner for years, it was the only thing that got my mind off it. One day I had to stop running and face it.

You didn't get that way overnight, it's a learning curve. You will find what you need to bring sanity back to your life. I think it's an individual thing, whether it's God, AlAnon, therapy...

Maybe you could make a list today about good things about yourself. Start with you're a helpful blogger;)

Sherry said...

Renee -

When we learn to forgive and love ourselves, then we can forgive and love others! I pray that today is a better day for you and your son!



Gin said...

I think it is better to get it out and let him know how it feels rather than holding it all in and letting it eat you alive.

Hang in there, don't beat yourself up. We all have our days.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

I call this "the crazy cycle". My son depends on so many people for rides, money etc. I get caught up in it-- racing to be on time to give my son a ride to work, while he strolls downstairs while I wait. I'm more anxious that he gets to work on time than he is! Then, I get mad and rant and rave. He gets upset and keeps saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry". Then I feel guilty for getting mad at him. It's all so crazy.
It's good that you blog about this. I hope it helped to unload the guilt and frustration.
Food is my drug, too. I have to watch it. Please don't be upset wit me-- but I truly hope that you have the strength to let go of your son's need to be at home with you. It sounds like it's not working. You need to take care of YOU. It hurt like hell when I told my son he couldn't live with me anymore. But, I know I did the right thing. Each day, I give more focus on my marriage and my life. I still think of my son, still talk to him, but he needs to stop depending on me for everything.
I pray you will find strength and wisdom.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I love you guys!

Madison--you always make me feel safe? Just such loving and calming words to me always.

Lou, I just adore you. You have a great strength and you understand the individuality of all this. I know I have more time to put under my belt and many more lessons to learn, and I thank you for reminding me that it takes time and I don't have to push myself to make decisions I am not ready for. Wish my vice was running!!

Sherry-I always appreciate your prayers, you have such faith and sometimes it rubs off on me:)

Gin, I admire your strength and always practical loving words. When I imagine you, I think of what a loving sister you must be.

Debby-I know what you mean, especially about waiting for them to get out the door while you wait! I am not mad at you for your suggestion of my son not living with me. I have to get to that point on my own time though. I have recently set up many boundaries for myself and my home. I may not have to make him leave because he hates that I am stronger and following through now. He hasn't been home hardly at all in the past month.

I am glad to have you all in my corner, just wish we were all in a more pleasant corner;)

kristi said...

I know what you mean. I blow my top on my family, nobody at my home is an addict, but I have addicted family members. I feel guilty for "losing it" but don't we all need to let it out at some point??
He needs to be responsible in order to get to do things and it is not your bucket. It is his.

Chic Mama said...

Don't beat yourself up...and you can't compare food to drugs.
I know the actions of my husband is all consuming to me and just getting through the day is hard enough. Maybe you are the same. Give yourself a break. X

Angela said...

I used to say the same thing..I could live without booze, but I NEED food to survive. I too was (and have to fight against it now) an EXTREMELY emotional eater. sigh....

this post really touched my heart...((hugs))