November 8, 2009

Silent


Since the post where I mentioned the angry conversation with my son Zach (Post), I have not heard from him.  I know he is around and alive but still, the silence has been a bit rough.  I also feel relief and some peace with the silence, so a bit of both, sadness and fear and then the peace.  I kind of feel bad about how our last conversation went, especially the delivery of my communication with him full of anger.  I feel guilt for the relief of not having to deal with any of the drama, but then I remember that I have a life too.  I never thought I would be at this place with my son, where I feel relief to not hear from him, enjoying the silence...never in a million years would I have thought I could feel this way.  It is a shame that to help ourselves we come to feel this way at times.  Kind of rambling tonight because I am teetering with my feelings back and forth.  I pray my son is safe and that the Lord will provide a divine intervention for him, show him the way to restore his health.  To all the other parents out there who go to bed at night not having heard from their addicted child, wondering, afraid, crying, feeling some guilt for feeling a bit of peace, praying and letting go and giving to God...I am there with you. 

12 comments:

Madison said...

Isn't it amazing how you can feel sadness, fear, regret, guilt, confusion, shock, shame? This post is packed with what it feels like to love an addict. Then, letting go and peace. Not a peace like this all won't start up again. Just a peace that there's nothing you can do - but pray.

Steve E. said...

Silence is one way we can speak to God--and He to us.

And He hears all the parents who suffer so. It must be a part of some larger plan.

Only God knows what, though! Right?

Thank you for dropping by my blog, and following.

PEACE!

Sherry said...

I can relate - as you know in my last post I hadn't heard from my son in a few days - he did call last night and was fine. It is nice to not have the drama in our home!

Fractalmom said...

I know what you mean. Mostly now, I just feel relief when I don't hear from her. It's a blessing.

I guess she put us through so much hell that to compensate, I grieved as though she was already dead from an overdose. (In a very real sense, MY DAUGHTER was dead. The THING that took over her body is NOT HER !) It helped me to get through. I figured when it finally happens, I will be more prepared. I probably won't be, but that is what helped me to detach.

We all deal with this in our own ways. Mine has been a long 11 year struggle.

Hang in there!

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I remember those nights of lying in bed (not sleeping) wondering if he was okay, wishing my last words to him weren't so angry...etc. Its so much easier when they are in jail and you KNOW they are safe. Please don't get me wrong, I don't hope that for Zach, but I do hope that you can find peace, that letting go that everyone talks about. Maybe God knew I could not "let go" easily so he stuck Kev in jail for his safety and my peace of mind? Who knows. I care and am praying for you guys.

Her Big Sad said...

The swarm of emotions is exhausting and relentless. My final prayer at night is that He brings someone into her life that leads her back to Him, before she dies. It is my prayer whether she is sober or not. She's doing fairly well right now, and I'm grateful. But I so identify with your feelings. A day or two without hearing anything and my thoughts start spinning! The quiet is a fragile peace.... at least it seems that way to me.

Chic Mama said...

Thinking of you......never ends does it. X

Lou said...

It's hard not to worry, but in my case, my fears have always been unfounded. My son was out doing exactly what he wanted to do, irregardless of whether I was worried or not.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I can post something when I am troubled or having a good day, no matter. When I open my blog a day later, you all show up for support and brighten my spirit, my hope and strengthen me...thank you all so very much yet again.

Chic Mama said...

There is an award for you at mine. x

Cat said...

So strange taht you are struggeling with much the same thing I am - only we approach it differently and I know one day will come and my son will be gone and I will miss him and feel badly about wishing him away in these difficult times...that we have now...

here is what I posted a few days back about it:

http://up4more2.blogspot.com/2009/11/sometimes-it-sucks.html

Angela said...

When I read this post I thought about my mother and our relationship at one time. We didn't communicate for a year. She couldn't handle the drama and sickness and kicked me out...We didn't communicate much for a year and for a few years after wards it was guarded communication.

I know she had peace each night because she didn't have to worry if I was coming home, when I was coming home and what state I would be coming home in.