October 21, 2009

The meaness of it all

Tonight my son called me. He left yesterday from the house when I was at work and didn't come home last night or today. When he called tonight he sounded loaded (slow speech, heavy voice, some slight slurring, etc). I told him he sounded high and that I didn't want him at the house. He said he was just tired and still sick and I repeated myself. He said he didn't have a place to stay and he was sick. I told him again he could not come to my house in that shape and said goodbye. I know I sounded mean and mad but I just felt like taking care of myself tonight, didn't want to watch him or hear his voice be loaded. I know it was the right thing to do for me, but it still feels so heartless and mean as a mother.


Gin said...

It is actually the ultimate love that you are showing him. I know it may not feel like it, but it is. I admire parents like you that love their children so much that even though it pains you, you do what is best for them. You are a wonderful mother whose example we could all learn from.

Madison said...

There is the disease. Then, there is your son. It is not heartless to say 'no' to this disease. If your son was walking in recovery, you wouldn't be saying 'no' to him. You are speaking directly to a life-threatening illness and expressing that you won't play its game. Not one iota of that is heartless or mean. The disease would like you to think that's mean though.

Lou said...

Not mean--it's called self preservation.

The problem with "I'm sick" is that it is probably another lie.

It helps me to remember that Andrew is a man, not my little boy anymore.

Fractalmom said...

it does, it will continue to feel that way.

But, honestly, it is the most helpful thing you can do for your son as hard as that seems.

One of the biggest 'junkie' mentality things is that NOTHING is ever THEIR fault.

as a result, they never have to live out the consequences of their own choices/actions.

being a strong parent helps.

"I have no where else to go!!"

***(insert name), I did not put you in this position, YOU put you in this position. I am sorry. I can come get you and take you to the mission (homeless shelter, etc), but you cannot come here.

"I haven't eaten in days..."

I can meet you at McDonald's and buy you lunch.

"I'm really SICK Mom, PLEASE help me..."

I will come take you to the emergency room and drop you off.

"I only need $300 to catch my rent/water/elec/gas up!!"

I'm sorry, we don't have the extra to give. I can send over some boxes to pack your stuff up and pay the FIRST month on a storage unit for you and give you a ride to the homeless shelter.....

It is VERY VERY VERY hard. We still see the baby we brought home from the hospital, full of wonder and hope for the future.

We don't see the dope sick junkie laying there shaking with withdrawals. We see the five year old with the flu, looking horrid. We reach down and stroke their fevered brow, wipe them down with a cool rag, and bring them fluids.

but it's not the five year old anymore.

and they have to live out the consequences of their bad decisions and actions. Or, they will never learn why it is not okay to be a junkie.

pain brings growth, lessons learned and experience.

To enable is to prevent the addict to learn why and how NOT to be an addict.

as always, just my opinion as the mom of a junkie daughter.

Dad and Mom said...

You did OK. You set the boundary for yourself and you stuck to it in a situation that you believed was not for you.

That is not mean or bad. That is healthy.

Cat said...

You need to ut yourself first. If I have learned anything in al anon it is that I make my boundaries and I stick to them - because staying true to myself comes first.

Still having a son who sometimes does stupid stuff like this I can relate on how freaking difficult being in your postiion is.

Sending you hugs.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Its the hardest part of all this, and it feels so unfair sometimes because this is not what we signed up for when we became mothers! We want to nurture and help our kids do their best in life. So when that involves turning them away, or calling the cops on them (that killed me when I had to do that) it feels TERRIBLE.

All the comments above mine are right on target, and I know you know that...and I know that...and knowing that makes it a bit easier, but I don't think this will ever feel good.

Hang in there, sweetie.

Syd said...

I think that what you are doing will only help your son in the long run. I've listened to parents talk about this a lot in Al-Anon. They said that when they started to say no and meant no, their children began to see that no one was going to cover for them anymore. I hope that your son decides that if he can't get what he wants by manipulating you, perhaps he needs to get help through detox or rehab.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Once again, thank you all for your support, it really is so very helpful and makes me feel much stronger on the harder stuff like this. I am fortunate to have found such wise and loving people. I take all your comments seriously, read them over and over and it helps.

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

I'm so behind in reading blogs. You did the right thing. I hurts, yes.
Trust me. My son says he understands why I said no, many times.

When they are withdrawing, they say "I'm sick". My son has to deal with his own withdrawals now. I've seen it enough. I'm over it.

Be strong. You are doing the right thing. Believe me. You're not mean. You're a loving mom of a drug addict. It sucks.

Tall Kay said...

I love what Madison said about separating the disease from the person. In my experience, the young people who get sober and stay sober are the ones who KNOW they can't manipulate their parents anymore. He knew the rules, but tried to use you anyway for a place to sleep.

You did the kindest, most loving thing a parent can do...let go. He can't get well until he asks God for help. You did the right thing.

Her Big Sad said...

Oh wow, I think you did so well! I am having to say "no" repeatedly these days and it's just not landing well. I can't do this for her any more. I gave her a good running start but she has to keep it going. But like you, I feel so heartless and it's just no consolation that this is the most healthy thing to do for us, and for our child. (((Hug!)))

Gloria said...

It's my first visit to your blog and girl, I'm feeling you. That's what being a mom is all about, tough love. Letting him come home would have been the easy and selfish route. You did good girl . . big hugs to you.xx

And tghe wordf verification . . state . . hmmmmmmm!!!