Feeling a bit stuck right now. Just numb to it all really. Not really working my own program or taking good care of myself physically. Overeating to numb my feelings of frustration, anger and sadness. Keeping my mouth shut and biting my tongue so much that resentment is building. My son is sick, they think swine flu. He is starting to feel better and has been staying at our house. Last night I snapped at him for going to the kitchen to get something to eat for Pete's sake. I have been letting go, just not with love, that is for sure. I have no interest in anything and am actually at work doing this right now. Can't focus and basically all I want to do is take my husband and run away. Go travel (can't right now due to work) or just simply go have fun, get our house back which I haven't built up the strength to do either. I just feel so lazy and I know it is probably depression. I know, don't beat myself up, but I need some motivation to pull me out of this place I am stuck in right now? I used to have goals, be energetic, ate well and had a physical activity schedule. I went to Weight Watchers, had friends, etc. I just feel lost, like who the heck am I? I am just writing now, letting the fingers do the walking so to speak. I apologize for the nonsensical ramblings. This is my place to get things out and so that is what this is.October 20, 2009
Stuck
Feeling a bit stuck right now. Just numb to it all really. Not really working my own program or taking good care of myself physically. Overeating to numb my feelings of frustration, anger and sadness. Keeping my mouth shut and biting my tongue so much that resentment is building. My son is sick, they think swine flu. He is starting to feel better and has been staying at our house. Last night I snapped at him for going to the kitchen to get something to eat for Pete's sake. I have been letting go, just not with love, that is for sure. I have no interest in anything and am actually at work doing this right now. Can't focus and basically all I want to do is take my husband and run away. Go travel (can't right now due to work) or just simply go have fun, get our house back which I haven't built up the strength to do either. I just feel so lazy and I know it is probably depression. I know, don't beat myself up, but I need some motivation to pull me out of this place I am stuck in right now? I used to have goals, be energetic, ate well and had a physical activity schedule. I went to Weight Watchers, had friends, etc. I just feel lost, like who the heck am I? I am just writing now, letting the fingers do the walking so to speak. I apologize for the nonsensical ramblings. This is my place to get things out and so that is what this is.
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14 comments:
I have felt that way too this week. Anything extra to do is so hard.
Is there anyone that can offer you support or help? Thinking of you.
I just finished reading your journey, and I don't know how you did it all those years. Handling the addiction has been horrific with a husband to help me, especially when it came to putting our son out. I can't imagine having to deal with so much on your own and then with family who did more harm than good.
My son came from a loving two parent family. This is his natural father, and he did all the Boy Scouts, little league, etc with our son. For years I tried to figure out how this could happen when he had such a "normal" childhood. There was no drunkenness in our home.
The point I'm trying to make is it is a disease. No matter what happens along the way to adolescence, I believe they were going to become addicts. Please don't make yourself crazy trying to pinpoint what made your son this way.
it's really hard not to let the addict take over your life completely. even after detachment....you still worry, you still wonder...and it drains you so much.
the only way actually is to boot them out. hard, i know. very. but you will not get your life back until such time as the addict is no longer in your home/presence/personal space and then, you will start to recapture the life that you once had.
other than that, you will live in limbo until that happens, whether by jail, kicking them out, death or institutionalization.
sad? yes. true? yes.
This is why, when I finally set boundaries around my life, they remain so firm. You simply cannot live ready to react in a fright or flight mode at the ring of a telephone. It wears you out. None of us were built for that. I think someone told me that at my first Alanon meeting. Years later, I understood what they were saying. Take care of yourself, Debby.
I also have felt that way today - tomorrow is a new day!!
Oh darlin, don't EVER apologize for what you write because its therapy for us to get the thoughts out of our mind and onto "paper". I am so sorry that you are feeling stuck and man, can I relate. It just plain sucks. But it does end. I hope it ends very soon for you. I know you already know how important it is to take care of yourself, but sometimes just getting through the day is all we can manage...so be GOOD to yourself and don't let any negative thoughts stay in your mind. You are an amazing, wonderful, strong, caring, special person. Hope you get unstuck soon.
I just went through the same thing and I was sick. Someone suggested I do just one thing that brings me joy...not try to fix everything all at once. It worked and I'm feeling better. Hang in there...this too shall pass. {{Renee}}
Girl...we have all been there and know what you are talking about. Sometimes I think that it has to do with the change in weather too. Do something, anything, for yourself to try and cheer yourself up. I'm sorry. The blues suck! I'm thinking of you!!!
You are all great! Thank you so much for the supportive comments, they are helping me right this minute.
Karen-I like that, one thing. As a co-dependant I tend to want to get it all done now and perfectly. Unrealistic so focusing on one thing is much more attainable, thank you.
Chic Mama-it appears there are those to offer me support, all of you!!
I just have that one step left of making my son leave my home. I have made a lot of growth in the past couple of years, I guess it will come when it is supposed to or when I am ready, or it is forced upon me? I did go to the movies with the hubby and dinner last night and that helped.
I really understand. And I like Tall Kay's suggestion about doing one nice thing for yourself today.... sounds like you did that with the dinner/movie... I am really having a hard time right now too... I will be taking TK's advice!
You strike me as a compassionate and loving mom, and a strong one... Take care of you! Prayers continue....
The final straw for me?
when a judge friend told me the following...
IF your daughter gets arrested, and YOUR house is searched and they find drugs in YOUR house that belonged to YOUR daughter who was living in YOUR house, under the current law...YOUR HOUSE CAN AND PROBABLY WILL BE CONFISCATED AS A KNOWN DRUG HOUSE.
I was appalled!! But he explained that in the REAL world, the cops are greedy and they confiscate every single time they can.
That was enough to do it for me. I went home and booted her out. It helped that when I got there, she was shooting up anyway.
Debby, somedays are just overwhelming. And it's usually when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. The HALT thing gets me every time. Maybe it's time to just rest, read a book or watch a movie or do something else that brings some relaxation. This too will pass.
Lou - said it all so perfectly and I think she told me this as well when I was newer having son issues.
Our children are not our own, and so their path is the one they set themselves upon.
Been there and done that and yes, I did take hubby and ran away, straight to the mountains in Andalucia. Yep, I said, fuck to my old life, upended it, jacked in my notice on a good job and literally ran away and hid. Best thing I ever done. We live on next to nothing but we have each other and I love it. Your time will come, really it will.
Love the way you write, so full of sincerity and vulnerability. You have a new follower:o)
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