December 21, 2009

Check Saga update

Well, for those of you that read my post here, and here, you know I shredded the grant check for my son that I shouldn't have opened in the first place. He has contacted the financial aid office and they are reissuing another check (even though he dropped out of school). So he has decided that a recent friend needs a roomate and he packed up some of his stuff last night. He hasn't received the money yet ($2,007) but will shortly. I guess he thinks that will be enough to live on forever? He kind of joked that it was a one week trial because he knows that if he leaves the house for good, it is gonna be real hard if not impossible for him to come back. We kind of made light of it, but he is aware that I will more than likely not allow him back into the house. He had plans to pay off some fines and get his license back, time will tell what he does, not my business. He did offer to give me some money but he wasn't completely excited about that idea and I don't really need it, I would rather not have anything to do with that money after doing what I did with the check in the first place. I am tired from the holiday festivities going on and trying to work and take care of the house stuff. I am about ready for X-mas, only a few more things to wrap. Didn't get my cards done or baking this year, may try to bake this week, but doubt it.

I am still sad that my son hasn't even come close to hitting his bottom and realize that much of that has to do with my actions of making things a bit to easy for him. It is so hard to turn your back on your kid when they are suffering so much, but I know it is the most loving thing to do for him. I have lately been watching my expectations unfold in my head and reminding myself that it not a healthy thing for me to be doing. He is an addict and addiction is so very powerful. He is an opiate addict which I believe to be the devil working at his hardest. My son may never seek help, may never get well, or he may. I can't wait to be happy in my life or wait to live my life until the ultimate outcome is known because that may never come. People get well and relapse after years, this is a one day at a time thing for him and for me. So today people, it is a good day and I hope it is a good day for all of you.

Renee

7 comments:

Lou said...

Don't ask him any questions about the check. The less you know about it, the better.
I hope you can have a restful, relaxed Christmas. The whole expectations around it are so hard for everyone. Just try to stay in the present. That's been working for me lately...LOL, I sound like Dr Phil;)

Tall Kay said...

Is it January yet? I'm really done with Christmas and all of 2009 for that matter. I hope your holidays are peaceful and drama-free.

Madison said...

I've read your post for too long, so I already know that you know that not helping is an act of kindness and it is not "turning your back on your kid". It's turning your back on what's controlling and killing your kid, drugs. As for opening your son's mail, there isn't a mother I know who hasn't done that. I love that you shredded the check.

LisaC said...

I think under the best of circumstances that the holidays can be difficult; and you are not operating under the best of circumstances. I love your line that you can't wait to be happy in your life. That is so true...for you and for most of us.

Merry Christmas, Renee. You just gave yourself a wonderful gift. A gift that builds on less worry for you; and responsibility for his own life to him.

Her Big Sad said...

Can't wait for New Year's weekend... It will all be over, and put away, and returned to "normal" such as that is.

You said: "My son may never seek help, may never get well, or he may. I can't wait to be happy in my life or wait to live my life until the ultimate outcome is known because that may never come." So very true and a good reminder for me, thank you.

I hope you have some peaceful moments over the next few hard days.... I wish that for all of us!

Barbara aka Layla said...

I'm done with the holidays too. Just not in the mood this year at all.

Its so hard to do what you're doing...but like everyone knows, its the most loving thing to do.

They say everyone has a different "bottom" so hopefully his won't be too low.

I am thinking of you. I wish there was an easier way but I guess there's not.

Syd said...

I hope that all the drama will ease for a bit so that you can enjoy the holidays and be filled with gratitude. I heard something about that today at a funeral I attended--how the man was filled with gratitude for people, surroundings, and lots of good things in his life and that was his key to having a great attitude. It makes a lot of sense to me to concentrate on the good things in my life and not what's wrong with it.