I am so upset that this will probably be more of a rambling pity party post than anything constructive, so beware.
I came home, after a really hard day at work. We had our work Christmas party and one of my co-workers is off this week and I have to cover her desk, and then helped set up the party for the staff. I get home and my husband decides to let go of some crap he has been building up because he doesn't communicate his feelings usually, so it builds up. He looks at me when I get home and starts telling me all the things my son didn't do while at home today. I kind of just lost it on both of them. I had to leave I was so upset. I cried my eyes out in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I finally went into the kitchen to eat something and the fridge is bare of the necessities. We haven't had time to even go to the store, well actually some people have had the time but whatever.
My son and I went round and round tonight, the good, the bad, the ugly. It was all over the place. He finally left but I am pretty sure he is up to no good and possibly dealing? Oh, he called about the financial aid check and is going up to get another one, so there is that, which I am staying the hell out of!
My brother left the other night and now he is completely on the crazy train. I don't understand bi-polar but he must have used meth the other day because he is just acting so fricking nuts I can't stand to be in the same area as him. I almost took him to town tonight but it is freezing and it was almost 11 pm, so decided to just talk to him about it and go to bed. Lord only knows what he will do in the middle of the night around here being in the frame of mind he is in tonight..wow is all I can say. I am sad, so sad about it all. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And, I am so very angry. Is that part of recovery at all, getting to the point where you are so angry you can't keep from spilling out your thoughts and feelings at the drop of a hat? I mean, is it like the first part, maybe a transition into the recovery part? I know, probably stupid questions, but I actually think I am losing it around all these people tonight.
Then, I come in to go to bed, and I decided to count the money in my wallet. I do this now just to be safe, but I usually don't leave my purse just laying around. Anyways, I have never, ever missed money out of my purse, ever...until tonight. I counted the money the other night and it was all there, tonight missing $20.o0. My son states he didn't do it and brother the same. I advised them I didn't know who did it, but I feel violated and it better never happen again, ever! I am so upset tonight. My son said he is moving out with all that damn grant money that will last him a minute. My brother is too crazy to figure out how to move out and we are still working on getting his SS and a payee in line. I miss my mom and my sister so much. My house is full of men and I simply can not relate to them right now.
Sorry everyone, I really did try to take care of myself tonight, but shit just kept getting in my way. Hmmm, I wonder if that is what it feels like for the addict when I get in their way?? Too angry to really care about that one tonight. If you have read this far, thanks for hearing me out and joining in briefly to my wonderful pity party.