December 16, 2009

You are Invited to a Pity Party!

I am so upset that this will probably be more of a rambling pity party post than anything constructive, so beware.

I came home, after a really hard day at work. We had our work Christmas party and one of my co-workers is off this week and I have to cover her desk, and then helped set up the party for the staff. I get home and my husband decides to let go of some crap he has been building up because he doesn't communicate his feelings usually, so it builds up. He looks at me when I get home and starts telling me all the things my son didn't do while at home today. I kind of just lost it on both of them. I had to leave I was so upset. I cried my eyes out in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I finally went into the kitchen to eat something and the fridge is bare of the necessities. We haven't had time to even go to the store, well actually some people have had the time but whatever.

My son and I went round and round tonight, the good, the bad, the ugly. It was all over the place. He finally left but I am pretty sure he is up to no good and possibly dealing? Oh, he called about the financial aid check and is going up to get another one, so there is that, which I am staying the hell out of!

My brother left the other night and now he is completely on the crazy train. I don't understand bi-polar but he must have used meth the other day because he is just acting so fricking nuts I can't stand to be in the same area as him. I almost took him to town tonight but it is freezing and it was almost 11 pm, so decided to just talk to him about it and go to bed. Lord only knows what he will do in the middle of the night around here being in the frame of mind he is in is all I can say. I am sad, so sad about it all. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And, I am so very angry. Is that part of recovery at all, getting to the point where you are so angry you can't keep from spilling out your thoughts and feelings at the drop of a hat? I mean, is it like the first part, maybe a transition into the recovery part? I know, probably stupid questions, but I actually think I am losing it around all these people tonight.

Then, I come in to go to bed, and I decided to count the money in my wallet. I do this now just to be safe, but I usually don't leave my purse just laying around. Anyways, I have never, ever missed money out of my purse, ever...until tonight. I counted the money the other night and it was all there, tonight missing $20.o0. My son states he didn't do it and brother the same. I advised them I didn't know who did it, but I feel violated and it better never happen again, ever! I am so upset tonight. My son said he is moving out with all that damn grant money that will last him a minute. My brother is too crazy to figure out how to move out and we are still working on getting his SS and a payee in line. I miss my mom and my sister so much. My house is full of men and I simply can not relate to them right now.

Sorry everyone, I really did try to take care of myself tonight, but shit just kept getting in my way. Hmmm, I wonder if that is what it feels like for the addict when I get in their way?? Too angry to really care about that one tonight. If you have read this far, thanks for hearing me out and joining in briefly to my wonderful pity party.


Madison said...

These are the times you will look back on (hopefully) and realize that you made the right decision when you put firm boundaries around your life. To me, this is the kind of natural turmoil that starts sending a message that kids should become men and women who move on to live their own lives. Add drugs to the mix and it gets toxic. Add a belief that someone who does drugs is mentally incapable of caring for themselves and you have a lifetime of needs. You can't live with work, fear, anger, disappointment and uncertainty without getting run down and worn out. But, I honestly think this only stops when you say it stops. That's how it worked in my house anyway. The inmates were in charge for a long, painful time. Did anything change because my husband and I were upset all the time? Nope. It only changed when we both said, "enough". Peace.

Fractalmom said...

this too shall pass.

all i can say is i have found the following helpful.

you can either let your life control YOU, or you can control your life.

the choice is yours.

that's what boundaries are all about. controlling YOUR life, instead of reacting to others controlling it for you.


Dad and Mom said...

One of the best parts of having a blog is being able to rant and rave. Do it all you want. In fact I didn't see any capital letters to indicated you were screaming.


Come on get with the program and tell us what you really think. ;-)

indistinct said...

A big hug your way.

Barbara aka Layla said...

Thanks for the invite to the party :) Seriously, I am glad you wrote it all out, that's what this blog stuff is all about. Getting it out there, being able to say whatever you feel like saying.

I think anger is definitely a big part of recovery. I remember being so angry at my son that I actually said "F___ You" to him once, and trust me that was NOT like me at all to say that to my own kid!

I'm sorry you are surrounded by males that are not being helpful. Just keep taking care of you as best you can. That's all we can do right?

One thing that helps me is remembering:

Progress, not perfection. We will never get all this stuff "perfectly right" but we can head in the right direction and that's what I see you doing!

Syd said...

I think that utter surrender had to happen before I could begin to think about recovery. I had to admit defeat, that I was never going to beat the alcoholic at her game. And I had to decide that I had choices. Realizing that I have a choice as to whether I live with craziness or not is important. And if I choose to do so, what's in it for me?

Doc in Al-Anon said...

Thanks for such an honest share. I can sure relate to your frustration. Sometimes I'm so.. pissed up a tree and confused by it all I can't even figure out what the right response is. My sponsor comes in handy, then. And my phone list, if she isn't available.
(In my early days, I once called a woman from a meeting list and cried into the phone with her for an hour... At the end she said 'and who are you dear?', and after describing myself, we both realized that I had her mixed up with someone else! There I was, wailing to a total stranger... and it was STILL just what I needed.)
Hugs and love.

Tall Kay said...

Nothing changes until something changes. When you get angry enough, you'll put an end to the insanity! Anger is the mask that fear wears. You don't have to do this alone...hugs and prayers to you.

Heather's Mom said...

You are very strong to have handled all that in just one day. And your pity party wasn't too bad - you deserved to have one after your day! Your three men are fortunate to have you in their lives :)

RhondaChicago said...

Love reading this! You are so much like me and you make me feel better. Not that misery loves company but just knowing I'm not alone is awesome.

My son is a 20 year old addict to weed and booze right now but has been benzos on and off too and not sure what he was on last night.

I live with our three sons and husband so four men and me. Sometimes not fun.