December 9, 2009

I know already...but?


My son signed up for a junior college for his first time this fall semester. He also signed up for financial aid and attended school until about three weeks ago. When he came back home last Thursday, one of our discussions was his financial aid. He had received a notice in the mail indicating he was awarded financial aid and that after checking records they would send the check. I told him they may not after checking to see if he dropped, and that even if they did it would be wrong for him to cash it. We had a bit of a disagreement over this and then I let it drop.

Well, the check showed up in the mail today ($2,007). I was caught a bit off guard as I thought for sure the school would have checked his records and see he was not in compliance. He called tonight and said that if the check showed up to please tell him, and not hide it from him and send it back. He stated he wants to pay off all of his fines, get his driver's license back with the money. This is a grant, not loan money. I advised him on Thursday that I did not feel it was right that he only attend for about 1/2 semester and then take money that would basically either have to be paid back, or at minimum if he wanted to attend college again with aid he would be put on probation.

So, I already know the answer, and I am pretty sure I know that any comments to this post will match that answer. I guess i just need to see it in writing from other people. I feel like if I do give him the check (because it is HIS), then I want to tell him that he either puts the money to good use or he leaves. So that is probably bargaining, right? That is enough money for one heck of an overdose and it is also the principle of it that really bugs me. I didn't raise my child to take advantage of the system trying to assist him, of course I didn't think I raised him to be addicted to opiates either.

I feel like I have to tell him tomorrow the check is here but not sure what to do after that. I hate this, HATE it. My codependent self is rearing her ugly little head. I am so afraid of what he will do with that much money. I know I need to look that fear in the eye and move forward, I guess I am just wanting you all to tell me that or something.

13 comments:

Chic Mama said...

Really feel for you, I know our situations are slightly different but it seems to all boil down to the same thing. Why the hell should you even be put in this situation and the same with me if I say to no to something it affects our children but if I don't the long term situation looks worse. I'm struggling with co dependency and how it works. Take care...be strong. x

Fractalmom said...

does the check have his name on it? is he over 18 years old?

if so, it's his. if he cashes it it will screw up his future financial aid, but THAT IS NOT YOUR ISSUE OR YOUR PROBLEM.

nor, is it your position to try and tell him what to do or how to do it, unless he ASKS.

if he cashes it and pays off his fines, etc. then well and good.

if he goes out and buys dope, it is not your fault.

since if he is over 18 you cannot even call the school and discuss it with them (violation of confidentiality laws) and

since opening someone elses mail is a federal offense..

you are pretty much out of the picture.

clean and crazy said...

oh my gosh i hate this situation you are in!! wow this sucks. do you know for sure he is not going to college, because while legally yes it is his money and you have to give it to him, but if you know of any fraud he is going to commit, i am not really sure if you are obligated to report it or not. i watch a lot of judge judy so i am an armchair quarter back with legal stuff, which means i don't know jack.
damn him for putting you in this dilemma. morally you know what is right, but in reality after reading fractal mom's comment, i have to agree with her. so take her comment and print it off and put in on your mirror for a daily reflection so as not to feel guilty or any ownership of what he does. you don't have to agree with a situation to accept it. and it really sucks.
so for some cheery news, today is g-mans birthday and i posted a birthday card for him on my blog. my goal is to get as many 55 players as possible to copy and post the card on their blog perhaps with tonight's 55. he is not feeling well today and won't be checking up on us until later, so maybe we can work together to give him a surprise cyber birthday party. ok i hope you can join in on the fun, and i hope you have a peaceful day. take care of you.

LisaC said...

I so understand how you feel and this is when I get angry over addiction and life style...you should not even be put in the position to have to stress over this! All that being said, Fractal Mom is absolutely right.

And once you give him the check, you have to let go. If he doesn't get his license or pay his debts that will be his problem.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Thanks for the comments everyone. Fractalmom hit it on the head as usual. I know, it just sucks so bad. It just feels so wrong to watch him take grant money and blow it. But that is my feeling and it is not my money. I guess the less I say to him the better.

Lou said...

Please don't take this as advice, this is just what I did in MY situation. My son got an $1800 check from Social Security. It was back pay money for a claim that had been in the works for over 2 years. One day I got the mail, and there it was. They were actually paying him for time he was in jail. They are supposed to check that against the computer, but they didn't. I know you don't get paid for time you are in jail..so I sent the check back with a note explaining their mistake. I'm my son's payee, so I could have cashed the check and kept the money. I thought about doing that--for a minute--but I knew it was wrong. At that point, I had decided I would never again participate in anything illegal or immoral with him and his addiction.

BTW, did your son mention using any of the money to pay you for expenses of his living there? If I recall you were going to charge him something.

Brother Frankie said...

he either puts the money to what it was intended for or he leaves. (boundaries) Honesty, integrity, and your sanity are what matters here.

please take the high road.

you are loved
brother frankie
a biker for christ

way to go lou!!!!! :)

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Lou, I so wanted to just write on that envelope return to sender with a note of some sort about him not being in class or just not at that address. He is 24 and I am not his payee or guardian so I feel a bit odd about it, like maybe I am trying to get in the way or control?? Now my brother on the other hand, we have been his payee and have sent money back, had no problem with that. And NO, he didn't offer to give me a dime. That is why I was thinking about sitting down with him to discuss where the money goes. I am just struggling with myself. I am trying to put myself in his shoes?

Fractalmom said...

all of the above being said...

if he doesnt LIVE there anymore.....

and the check has NOT been opened....

i don't see why you simply couldn't write on it....

RETURN TO SENDER, DOES NOT LIVE HERE, LEFT NO FORWARD.

(so yah, okay, all of us lapse occasionally LOL.)

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Well shoot, I DID open it when it came yesterday, hoping it would be a denial letter or something. So, I am guilty of fraud and you know what else...if I hadn't opened it I wouldn't feel bad about putting return to sender on it, which would have been my choice of what to do. So, ends up I was caught in my own codependent web..shit! I feel kind of immobile right now, like just ignoring it will make it go away. I will let you all know the outcome and thank you all for being here in all my craziness. I do feel better reading your comments.

Annette said...

I'm just jumping in here to say that Fractalmom and Brother Frankie gave some great advice. The neat thing I am seeing is that YOU know what is the best way for you to handle this already. You just needed some confirmation that yes, you are on the right track. I mean...yeah you are co-dependent, the mom, and all of that, but you aren't so lost in *your* disease that you just blazed ahead and did whatever felt most comfortable. Good for you!

Madison said...

I have a tray in a closet for each daughter. That's where I put their mail. It's their responsibility after that. They can learn what happens when a little windfall is spent in a matter of days & then, oh yeah, now they're hungry with no money. Or they can learn that there's peace in cleaning up the messes they created. That's just me. That grew out of years of opening mail and fearfully hovering to see what the heck was going on now. So, I can relate to your situation.

Tall Kay said...

OMG woman! I get busy for a few days and look what happened! This is a terrible position to be in. Can you just tear it up and throw it away?