December 23, 2009

Trying to live in the moment!

Well, my son Zach came back to our house one day after he left. He said it didn't work out, the girl he was going to rent a room from was "crazy", blah, blah, blah. This was yesterday and I told him on the phone I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come to the house and stay that night so he didn't. He came home last night, and I had made a decision prior to him arriving that I am going to wait until the holiday is over to have a meeting with him. I am going to try to just stay present and enjoy the holidays the best I can with my hubby and step-son, brother and father-in-law. I deserve it and so do they.

My son will be receiving money from the school check soon, if not today. I don't know what he will do with it. I just feel the time has come that I need to tell him he can not stay with me unless he seeks treatment. He won't seek treatment as we have discussed it recently and, surprise, he doesn't think he needs it or has a problem. He is worse off now with his denial than he was a year ago. I love him so very much, but I know deep in my heart that what I have been doing by providing him shelter is not helping him or me. I hope and pray I can find the strength to do what is needed and not do it in anger.

The holidays creep up on us. Even when I am living in the moment there is that added stress and presure during the holidays that just always seems to get to people, everyone around me. One day, I will just head to our little cabin in the mountains for X-mas and have a nice little time with my hubby, decorate a tree outside the cabin with popcorn and berries, have a nice fire and drink hot chocolate, play card games.....nice escape for a minute, sorry for the ramble:)

I know a lot of you are missing your children, just like me. Mine is here physically but really not Zach, such a shame. I know many of your kids are in rehab (thank God), others have just bolted and are doing their thing, some in jail (thank God). I have to believe that there is a reason that our kids are where they are this holiday season and in the place they are, it is a part of their journey in life to be doing what they are doing. I pray that this next year will bring our kids restored health and recovery, and to all us parents the exact same.

God Bless you guys and have a joyfilled holiday.

Renee

P.S. after I wrote this I received a call from my counselor, she is back from medical leave and ready to start seeing clients! I can't express how much I have missed her and her loving soul, she has been so helpful to me in the past three years. Merry Christmas to me, my counselor is well...hahahahahaha!

14 comments:

Doc in Al-Anon said...

Hang tight Renee, It sounds like you are doing a super job. How hard it must be to see your lovely child vanish inside the illness. I'll be praying for you and yours.

Fractalmom said...

hang in there. get through Christmas. Take one day at a time.

Merry Christmas!

Lou said...

Today was a good day. My son showed up at my work clean--physically and spiritually. It gave me joy, now I feel pretty assured of a drama free Christmas. I'm going to enjoy it, and I hope you can do the same Renee.
Try not to project too far ahead. The future will be here soon enough.

Madison said...

Where our kids are at is part of their journey in life." I like that. Some of the most productive people have made their fair share of mistakes. I pray God wrestles your son into treatment and sobriety and brings your family miraculous peace.

Barbara aka Layla said...

Good news about your counselor. My mind is blank but I ditto what the others have said.

Heather's Mom said...

Take the time to live in the moment, we focus so much on our kids, focus on you - like you said, wait until after the holiday to have the talk - not for him - but for you. I think that's a splendid idea!

I'm having the same worries as you about the check/money (Heather's is different, but still the same in the end) and it is one thing I have been *relatively* successful on - I've come up with a saying whenever I think of it (in addition to the obvious losing all the money - will she pay her taxes? the school back for the classes she dropped?etc.)... the saying is...
***"Not my problem."***

I actually *whisper* it to myself! Maybe that will help you too?
I loved your last paragraph - so encouraging! And am happy for you that your counselor is back!

Cindy said...

Be strong, you're doing better than I am. Wow, so much alike in our circumstancess..not easy seeing our kids having such different lives than we envisioned...but, it their lives. Ouch, right? Hugs.

Brother Frankie said...

i am sorry you are hurting.

please know my prayers are with you. the cabin thingy sounds great. i would jump at it...

you are unconditionaly loved dear one..

brother frankie
an addict who is sober and living for Christ

Dad and Mom said...

Ignore the obvious and celebrate any piece or normalcy you can get. For nor make this day be nothing more than "this day."

Gledwood said...

Years ago someone I met at a rave (so we were high as kites) said to me "you know, when we feel like this, it's the only time we live in the present instead of obsessing about the past or worrying about the future"... I think that was very true. Living in the moment is so VERY hard to do ~~ I wish you all the best

And a very merry one

And a happy new year

;->...

Annette said...

I am right there with you....waiting until after the holidays to make any big stand. Secretly hoping that she will make other arrangements and I won't have to be the bad guy. Cowardly I know....but really, I don't care at this point. Its the truth. I would gladly accept an easy way out if it was available.

Athena said...

You sound good - a bit sad, but seeing things for what they are. This is an especially hard time I think for all of us

Big Hugs (Man, that cabin deal sounds so nice)

Jason said...

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I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around. Please let me know if this is possible.

Sincerely,
Jason
TheWISDOMWALL.com

Trying to surrender said...

I am a an addict trying to get clean - I find your blog inspirational!