March 11, 2010

Oh Lord this hurts

First and foremost, thank you all so much for your kind words of wisdom and support over my last post. Clean & Crazy, I just cried when I opened your comment and read it, so supportive and loving. HBS, I feel your pain and conflict with calling or not calling, etc. The way I see it, every time my son walks out the door his life is in danger, and if we are to take action when someone might possibly die, let alone our own child, how do we not? It is such a fine line to know if we are intervening on someone who is about to harm themselves, when that is what addiction is all confusing.

I did it tonight. My son called me tonight right as I opened Clean & Crazy's comment and I was crying. He told me he is staying with a friend, I know the friend and she is an addict also. He states they are going to try and get clean together? I bite my tongue through my tears. We talk about how hard it has been for us to live in the same house together. I tell him how afraid I am for his future, his life, how sad I am watching him and how I have hit my bottom with that. He tells me how he is 24 and he needs to figure things out, how shitty he feels about himself, how he has absolutely nothing. I tell him he has life, that God has saved him too many times to count, he is not in prison, not in jail and to focus on that. He told me to lighten up on my husband (his step-dad) because he does a lot and he is a good man who is getting tired of it all. He sounded a little high, I tried to think otherwise. I am devastated, can't stop crying, my stomach is in knots, I am in deep mourning. I know this will pass, he is still breathing and maybe, just maybe, I will learn to have peace and he will get well...I will continue to pray for that along with all of you and your wounded children. Madison, she is an awesome counselor, full of love and wisdom with a tiny dash of excentrism thrown in. I am lucky to have her in my life for guidance and all of you. Barbara, he has not been checked for mental illness but I am almost positive he has ADHD and depression, possibly Cyclothymia, but again, he has to be ready on his terms. I called drug and alcohol today to find out if there is currently funding for someone on Prop. 36 in our county for in-patient rehab and in two weeks there will be. I advised my son of this so he would be aware. He stated he did not want rehab right now and said he was going to get his MediCal and try and get on Suboxone and get a little job. I again bit my tongue. Oh, and Syd, it all just didn't have my name on it. For today, I know I did the right thing for myself and hopefully for my son, but Lord does it hurt. Thanks for helping me get through you guys. Renee


Chic Mama said...

I'm sorry I missed the first post which I have just read too. I am totally not qualified to give you any advice...I'm am bumbling along myself but I just want to say I can feel your pain, understand it and I really really hope it improves soon for you.
Take care.
Thinking of you
CM x

Dad and Mom said...

Dear Mom,

Your pain and fear flows out of this post like tears. We all know how hard it is to watch the spiral.

Your son is 24, he is still your baby, but he is also a man. Right or wrong, addicted or clean he is trying it his way. You need to be there but he must live in his own world. You cannot make him stop using. Trust me I tried all of that too and some wise people on here helped me see and understand.

Set your boundaries to help yourself. You must be well and have your head on straight when the time is right. Where there is life there is hope. Do what you must to keep him alive, but do no more.

As a 24 year old man he learns by experience. If you want to help him then provide him opportunities to "discover" that his life can be better by being clean. And yes it will be a lot worse for a while in the struggle to be clean. Without a profound experience he will not have the drive and ability to master this demon. His awakening must come from within himself.

Mom, you really have to take care of yourself and get yourself to a good place to do this. Your son loves you even while he is going through this hell. That should be your strength in getting to a good place.

These are just words from a dumb slow old dad that took too long to heed the same advice from a lot of others that helped me.

Kim A. said...

When I was going through what you are now with my youngest son I ended up going to 6 meetings a week for a long time. I went to open AA meeting and Alanon meetings. I went alot of places with my sponsor and spent alot of time on her front porch just mourning and working through the stuff. It got better and so did I. My son isn't any better but I am. His HP will provide for him and love him better than I can. Hugs to you---it will all be okay, just keep moving one step at a time.


clean and crazy said...

i think the hardest thing to learn, or unlearn, is that when we first become mommies, and our babies are looking up at us filled with wonder in their eyes, we know our job. Mommies make it better. Mommies take the ouchies and kiss them and make it better. if babies cries mommies feed them, when babies hurt mommies soothe them.

we have to learn now to surrender and accept that our little babies are all grown up and it is not our job to make it better anymore.

I struggle with this with my girls, my oldest who knew me high and hung over, now wants almost nothing to do with me. so my youngest, who just became potty trained, i have struggled with letting her sleep in her own bed. I just want to hold her all night like when she was a baby. I know it won't be long and she won't need me any more, not like that. they still need me to kiss their boo-boos, and I do it gratefully.

it is difficult with my oldest, she is 16 now and almost ready for college, i am so lucky she did not choose the same path as I did. or i should say, not yet.

i know if my children choose this path, i will be going to meetings EVERY DAY. and i don't know about much else on how to do it.
it is good to feel the pain, then you can appreciate the good feelings even more. i spent my entire life trying not to feel the pain. i was hiding from a world i didn't understand.

today i am grateful to feel the good and the bad, one day your son won't be afraid to feel either.

chitowngreg said...

Thanks for sharing. I understand it hurts. You've got to take comfort, though, that you're acting against the disease, not your son. We can set boundaries or we can enable. Both can be messy, but alcoholism and addiction are messy diseases. Boundaries work, enabling doesn't. We've got to choose the messy response that works. Doesn't make it any easier, though. Have a good weekend and know that you are cared for!

Annette said...

It does hurt. It sucks and it is so so hard. He said it though...he does not want rehab, which is what I hear all the time too. I have to let go of that idea that it has to be my way. Our adult kids have to figure it out and it sounds like he at least is getting that. This isn't something you can do for him. I know that greatest fear of all, God do I know that one. I carried that around for a long long time, until I finally accepted that that could be part of our future. We are here, we will help, but they have to want it for it to work. Us forcing their hand and manipulating rarely, if ever works. It is so hard to let go of our children, no matter how old. It goes against our nature, our instinct as mothers. I know that. The only thing I have that brings me comfort in that place is that my HP is bigger and stronger and more in control than I am and I can rest in His strength and knowing that He loves our kids more than we can fathom. He wants good for them and had them in His hands. I pray that they let themselves stay put. ((HUG))

Her Big Sad said...

Oh clean and crazy said it... well, everyone did, but that one sentence: "it is not our job to make it better anymore."

And then there's the awful realization that we CAN'T make it better.

And Kim A's comment: "my son isn't any better, but I am."

It hurts to accept that we just can't fix this. That even if we thought it DID have our name on it, we can't fix it. It's beyond our capabilities.

But we can pray and hope. And take care of ourselves with boundaries and self care and sharing here, etc. Today may be one of those one-hour-at-a-time days for you. Please know that I'm praying and thinking of you OFTEN today. (((Hugs)))

Barbara said...

I'm praying for you and thinking of you. I care a lot about you and your son and can feel the anguish. You got lots of advice here so I will leave it at that. (((Renee)))

Anonymous said...

It's Secretia, My family has lost two young members to heroin and almost lost a third to oxycontin.
The survivor made it off oxycontin with a year-long regimen of suboxone in decreasing amounts, but it was extrememly difficult to get off the suboxone, it took almost a week of sweating and sleeping at the end of that year. It finally worked and he is off of it now for over a year without relapse.

I know what your and your family's pain is. I offer you my prayers, also I will visit your blog and try to give you moral support.

This whole mess of your son's, his addiction, is not your fault, it's the devil of temptaation and the promise of the thrill, that's where it comes from.

Sincerely, Secretia