March 30, 2010
Stuggling with my own Life Lessons
I find myself to be somewhat unsettled the past couple of days. I believe part of it is because I hadn't spoken to my son since last week and that usually means he is off the charts using oxy or whatever he can get his hands on. I have been struggling this past week to put in place the self-soothing techniques I have learned during counseling. Basically, I have been struggling with my spirituality, which means I am struggling in my own recovery of codependence. I went to a meeting this week, haven't been to one in about a month and I have only been to a few. Something told me to go and I did last night. It was a very small group but I there was some good sharing going on. I believe I will start attending every week when if possible. It has taken me some time to get to this point, willing to attend Al-anon on a regular basis and attempt to truly work the steps. I believe this, along with my counseling sessions and this blog, I will continue to get stronger and able to take care of myself and my own peace of mind. But, for today, I am struggling.
I spoke to my son on the phone today briefly regarding some mail he received here. He has been staying with some other addicts at an apartment. He is on probation, was just recently violated for violation of his Prop. 36 and reinstated to the program. He is not working that program, not attending mandatory meetings, etc. He sounded really high today, which of course tested me emotionally and I immediately wanted to "get up in it" as my counselor would say. My instinct was to ask if he had been going to meetings, how he sounded high and tell him that he would be incarcerated if he didn't start working the program. I did bring up some of these things and started to really head down that road. He started to shut down and I caught myself, told him it was not my deal, and finished the conversation. I did not stop myself prior to getting up in it, but I didn't get all the way in it, so I have grown some. I tried using some mental images, giving it over to the Lord. It is just so easy to fall back into the old patterns of asking too much, giving too much advice that is not warranted. To easy to think I actually could say or do something that would make him get well, see the light. Oh how the ego can play with us, making us think we are so powerful over our children. I must remember that the Lord loaned my son to me but he is essentially the Lord's as am I.
I am rambling, probably because I feel so out of sorts, trying to maneuver my way around this letting go but showing support and love at the same time. It is a tricky thing some days, so I will continue to take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
I have tomorrow off from work and am so grateful. I will continue to work on myself and my own life lessons, but some days it is just a struggle. Maybe I need to get out of my own way?