I find myself to be somewhat unsettled the past couple of days. I believe part of it is because I hadn't spoken to my son since last week and that usually means he is off the charts using oxy or whatever he can get his hands on. I have been struggling this past week to put in place the self-soothing techniques I have learned during counseling. Basically, I have been struggling with my spirituality, which means I am struggling in my own recovery of codependence. I went to a meeting this week, haven't been to one in about a month and I have only been to a few. Something told me to go and I did last night. It was a very small group but I there was some good sharing going on. I believe I will start attending every week when if possible. It has taken me some time to get to this point, willing to attend Al-anon on a regular basis and attempt to truly work the steps. I believe this, along with my counseling sessions and this blog, I will continue to get stronger and able to take care of myself and my own peace of mind. But, for today, I am struggling.
I spoke to my son on the phone today briefly regarding some mail he received here. He has been staying with some other addicts at an apartment. He is on probation, was just recently violated for violation of his Prop. 36 and reinstated to the program. He is not working that program, not attending mandatory meetings, etc. He sounded really high today, which of course tested me emotionally and I immediately wanted to "get up in it" as my counselor would say. My instinct was to ask if he had been going to meetings, how he sounded high and tell him that he would be incarcerated if he didn't start working the program. I did bring up some of these things and started to really head down that road. He started to shut down and I caught myself, told him it was not my deal, and finished the conversation. I did not stop myself prior to getting up in it, but I didn't get all the way in it, so I have grown some. I tried using some mental images, giving it over to the Lord. It is just so easy to fall back into the old patterns of asking too much, giving too much advice that is not warranted. To easy to think I actually could say or do something that would make him get well, see the light. Oh how the ego can play with us, making us think we are so powerful over our children. I must remember that the Lord loaned my son to me but he is essentially the Lord's as am I.
I am rambling, probably because I feel so out of sorts, trying to maneuver my way around this letting go but showing support and love at the same time. It is a tricky thing some days, so I will continue to take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
I have tomorrow off from work and am so grateful. I will continue to work on myself and my own life lessons, but some days it is just a struggle. Maybe I need to get out of my own way?
11 comments:
Wow. You are right in the thick of it. And working it out. Sounds like you have a good plan for today. Enjoy it.
It sounds to me that you are making a lot of progress. If I keep going to meetings, work with others and work the steps, I feel good. If any part of my recovery armor starts to fall away, then I go back into the rabbit hole. Take care and let God do His part with you and your son.
I can relate to the fine line between letting go and giving love & support. Hope you have a great day off!
these periods just really suck. they just do.
It's sounds to me like while you are feeling unsettled, you also know exactly what you need to do. Have patience with yourself. In Al-Anon the saying is "progress not perfection". You will have times when you feel out of sorts. Know you have people out here praying for you and who love you.
I had the same thing going on a couple weeks ago - it actually lasted about 6 days. But then I immersed (forced!) myself back in the truths of Al-Anon and hands of my loving God.
Just do the next right thing~
God bless.
Love & (((hugs)))
Just got to take care of yourself. He can only embrace his own program when he is ready. Look forward to that day!
Rambling helps it all come out, that's what I think anyway. Plus it made sense what you were saying. I cannot believe the highs and lows that have happened since I've been reading your blog. It's very sad.xx
It is always progress in your recovery when you recognize you are slipping (at least that is what I think). When I first started going to meetings, I didn't understand, thought my situation, my son, my need to help him was different than every one elses. You are doing great.
Relapsing for us, working on our own recovery from codependency is no different than an addicts relapse. And we constantly tell ourselves and hear at meetings that relapse is part of recovery. The same is true for you.
Hang in there and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. You are in the middle of a difficult place right now, but you will emerge stronger and healthier, I know. And I will continue to pray for the same for your son.
I'm glad you have tomorrow off too. I hope things improve soon, it sounds like your counseling is really helping you when you can hear her voice in your head (always a good sign!).
That blurred line again, between loving and letting go. It sounds to me like you are doing such a good job of recognizing what is happening, and thinking things through. Prayers continue, for you and your son.
It's hard isn't it? I remember when I really realized that I could not hear my daughter. That was never going to be my role. All I could do was to love her and get out of the way. And yes, sometimes I think I'm standing right in the way of me and God, too.
But it sounds like you are making progress, and that's a blessing. Both for you and for your son. I'm glad you have made a commitment to attend meetings. They helped me a lot. Love and hugs.
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