March 14, 2010


So as you may know if you read here, it has been a pretty tough week for me and my son. I feel sad and empty with a mixture of relief and peace. Boy, how conflicted is that! My son and I both agree that it is not healthy for us to live together under one roof. He knows I love him and how afraid I am for him. I have been open and honest with him about my reasons he can not stay with us anymore. I am accepting (slowly) that I have hit my own bottom in this terrible drug addicted journey. I am trying to soothe myself and let go. I know it will take time, and that something could be thrown in the mix to change the dynamics between he and I, but for today I feel I am doing what is right for me.

I was very shaken the other day when Corey Haim passed. Even though it is not known what his cause of death is, somehow I feel it was related to his drug use, whether it be a current OD type situation or just the wear and tear over the years that drugs take on a person's body. It was strange for me as I was thinking of him a few days before his death? I don't normally sit around and think of actors or anything strange like that, it is why it made this all the more odd for me. I was just wondering how he was doing, knowing of his addiction and watching him on TV a few years ago, I just always felt he was so lost, more so than most addicts even, not sure why I felt that way? It just pounded in the fact that an addicts life can be taken so short. It made me think about my own son and all my fears associated with him being taken too young from drug abuse.

I was not online for a day and came back to much sad news with Mom and Dad's son relapsing and Ant going back to jail. It just broke my heart and I found myself wanting to reach through my computer and try to "fix" it. Yep, that was me, Ms. Fix It, or at least I thought before my son's addiction reared its ugly head many years ago. I wish we all didn't have to go through this and that our kids would get well. On that note, there was a bit of happy news with Lisa C's son Bryon graduating rehab and going back to be an intern there. Also over at Annette's place with H doing really great and Sherry's son being clean and sober. It gives us all hope even in the midst of relapses and active use that our kids can get up, brush themselves off and get back on a better path. It is possible and there is hope.

I have gained so much strength from those of you that commented on my posts this week (every week actually). I never feel like I can thank you all enough. Praying for us all...Renee


Fractalmom said...

sadness is that we all want to fix what cannot be fixed.

Madison said...

I remember the day I hit bottom after fighting to save my daughter for years. You describe it well, sad, empty, relief, peace. If you saw her today, you wouldn't recognize photos of her a few years back. If she were to list all the reasons she changed, pain is in every one. My kind words, love, fear and worry did nothing to change her. In fact, she says now that she couldn't even comprehend why I was always crying. All she thought about was drugs. She totally believed that she was put on the planet to do drugs. Pain is sometimes a good teacher. I pray for you and your family. It's like living in hell on earth - until you hit bottom.

Sherry said...

I pray that every day will become more peaceful and joy will replace the sadness!!

Kim A. said...

I can really see the growth in you as your posts are reflecting how YOU are and your experiences and less about how you think your son is doing. It took me a long time to hit bottom with my son and a long time to release him totally. I can love him now, laugh with him when he calls me and shares a funny moment, stay in the moment with him and just enjoy the random phone calls without leaping to wonder how he is, what is he doing, why doesn't he listen to me, why doesn't he learn stuff. He is an awesome kid who has is an addict, and much much more. His Creator love him as much as I do and he is in good hands. Hugs


Syd said...

Renee, I don't think there is any way to fix others. If I could wave a magic wand, I would do it. But I suspect that too would only be a temporary thing. People have to fix themselves. That is a burden that I can't carry.

Chic Mama said...

I'm sorry it is all going this way for you at the moment. I get so angry at the destruction & devastation that addiction causes- all so avoidable too if they weren't available. :0(
Take care. x

Anonymous said...

Mom, if you have hit bottom, then it's likely that you can only go up, with things getting better. I fear, from my own experience the the bottom is a false one, and that there are many sub layers.
There really isn't anything that you can do, it must originate from the addict himself. The whole intervention thing provides for the initial confrontation and admission by the addict. But it's up to him to fight it the right way. Until that happens, it's just a day to day thing.
You are in my prayers still.


Anonymous said...

Take care, have faith and keep taking one day at a time. You can do this!

Barbara said...

You've come along way baby. You really have. I remember the first time I read your blog and feeling really concerned for you. Now I see your pain, but I also sense that you are stronger, have learned a lot and can "do this", and so can your son. So interesting that you thought of Corey H. days before his death. I've had those kind of things happen before and it feels eerie - like some sort of message of some sort. He did seem very lost.

LisaC said...

Renee, I've often been told at meetings that taking care of ourselves, and dealing with our own recovery, makes us better role models for our addicts, in the long run. I don't know if it is true (I'm not sure while active in addiction they would even notice), but I do know that as I get stronger and slowly let go of all of the other people's issues (not just Bryan's by the way), life feels more hopeful, more happy, more serene, more calm. And we've all earned those feelings, so we just have to execute in order to get there.

Annette said...

I am so glad you are here.

Kathy M. said...

Dear Renee,
I'm just getting caught up with the past few posts. My heart goes out to you and your son. I'm so sorry to hear of everything you and your son are going through. It is so hard.

Sometimes hitting bottom does for us what it does for the addict, it causes us to understand that what we have been doing is not working and we become willing to try another way.

Often, the best thing we can do for our loved one is get out of the way. I know it's hard. I know I'm not the first to say it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you don't have a strong Al-Anon program where you are. There is something called a Lone Member Service. I wonder if that would be helpful. It's tough trying to work the steps without a guide. A strong sponsor is such a blessing, and Al-Anon is definitely different than AA.

Also, I might suggest attending open NA meetings in addition to open AA meetings. Addiction is addiction. Still, drugs have their own particular challenges.

Big hugs to you, dear. What you are going through is so hard. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Bristolvol said...

Just reading this makes me glad that I am not alone in a twisted kind of way. I wish none of us had to suffer like this.