March 10, 2010

Codependency Relapse!!

UPDATE: Just a quick update from the post below. First, thank you all for commenting, it gave me strength throughout my day yesterday, and I must say you were all much "easier" on me than my counselor! Basically I went to counseling last night and she reiteriated that my son should leave my home, be homeless, and figure it all out on his own, without a licence, car, no shelter (we are not in the city, don't have a Mission type situation right now), no job, no skills. Wow, what a tough thing for me to do, toss him out into the cold, seems so cold hearted and is breaking my heart thinking about it. BUT, I feel as though I have hit my bottom with this situation? I am angry all the time, sad all the time, fighting with my husband all the time. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I am trying to keep up my exercise but am getting about 5 hours of sleep no matter what I do (that is with taking meds). I realized as I was posting the entry below that I would not be calling my son's PO or his drug counselor, I know better. My motives for doing it were pure of heart, to assist my son, not to rat him out, but it is his stuff, not mine. I think I will start attending open AA meetings as I believe I can find someone there that will be able to help me work the steps better than our local Alanon, which is about 6 people large and not sure anyone has really worked the steps. My hormones are all over the place, I am tired and feel like I am not going to handle any conversations or decisions in a very constructive way today. My counselor basically said I could keep doing what I am doing and probably become VERY ill and keep my son ill in the process, or I could let go. So much easier said than done with a child:( Thanks you guys for the support!


So it has been a bit of time since I last posted. Much has been happening, good and bad, such is life. I have relapsed! I know it isn't permanent but I yesterday in particular, I allowed myself to go completely insane with my codependency and it was almost ALL aimed at my son. As my post here!!
shows, I have been in fear, fighting against what is and of course just grieving some more. My son has been at my house since Sunday evening. It is hard to have the boundary talk with him as he tries to avoid it at all costs. It at times becomes more of a lecture to him, which is not the most producitve way to get the boundaries out there. The obvious one is that he not use in my home or come home "high". He recently was put on the court calendar for revocoation of probation for not attending his court ordered drug classes (or something, I try and stay out of that). I have added some of the following:

1. Must look for work and show me proof that he has done so.

2. Must attend mandatory "outside" drug classes for probation, not JUST FORGE the signature card like 95% of the people ordered to go are doing at the present time. He has two inside meetings that he has consistently attended for almost a year. We are to drive him, make sure he goes in, then pick him up after the meeting.

3. Do house chores assigned (this has always been a tough one).

So I know, it is his program, he must be the one to do it. BUT, if he is going to stay at my house and for me to support him financially and emotionally, he MUST attend the outside meetings for real, not just forge it. Yesterday, he managed to get one application done online, mow the front and back lawns, go to the gym and an AA meeting which I actually attended with him. He prefers the AA meetings as he does not run into all the people he knows at NA that still use and have drugs on site. I know that fact to be true, work in the system so it is what it is...broken.

I found myself getting caught up in circles with him yesterday while I was at work, trying to organize a meeting time for him (so I could give him a ride, we live out in the country, no public transport). It just kept changing, and I kept trying to hold my ground, then it all became blurred, was it a boundary or was I following my ego and trying to control out of fear? Wow how that line can be crossed just so easily! By the time I got home from work I was a complete controlling fool. I was angry and nothing anyone had done was good enough, the chores, the application, nothing. I had a plan to walk with my brother and that got foiled as I allowed it to. I took my son to the gym and tried to get a walk in with my brother, rushed home for a shower and dinner, picked my son up from the gym and we went to the AA meeting. I listened to the people speak with all my might, my son sat and yawned through the whole thing pretty much. No matter, I did take away some good things and felt honored to be with people that were working so hard at their sobriety.

Right before we got to the meeting my son informed me he had given his X-mas watch that we bought him to some guy for drugs on behalf of some girl he knew. Whatever! He wanted to take $50.00 out of the money he has saved for his probation fines to get the $130 watch back. He does recycling for us and makes a little chunk every month that goes towards his fines. I was hurt and proceeded to tell him so. It was the first tangible item I had bought him in years (other than clothes, cologne, essentials worth very little money). He was upset with himself for doing it and at first I contemplated helping him get it back. Then I thought maybe he should just figure this one out, lose the watch, experience the pain. Needless to say, I was pissed and continued to berate him the rest of the evening, not just over the watch, but anything I could. I am ashamed of myself today, but have a counseling appt. tonight and have called to see if my son could attend with me.

On a different note, many of you have had contact with your adult addicted kid's probation/parole officers. Do you think it is a good idea to contact my son's probation officer to advise her of the issues he and I are having at home and the fact that I think he needs rehab? I am not sure they even offer rehab for Prop. 36 in my county as it is small, conservative and there is NO State funding it appears? How about contacting his main probation drug and alcoholl counselor? My inner voice always says "stay out of it, his problem, not yours" when I think about doing this. But then I have read where others have done steps like these and wonder if it is productive. He would probably be livid and again, his problem.



Kim A. said...

I can only suggest what was suggested to me. If he is an adult then I need to treat him with the dignity and respect that I want to be treated with. That means keeping my hands off anything that doesn't have my name on it...period. So....unless it was my probation officer, why am I calling? Just my .02. I made the calls to the hospital, the doctors, the nurses, etc when my son was committed. He was an adult. All I did was act crazy and make myself unnecessarily upset. steps..


Bristolvol said...

Sorry you are having a hard time. I would not give him money to buy his watch back. I think he should experience the loss. If he gets it back, he can sell it again! Stick to your boundries and don't let him run your life. I also know from experience that the more you involve yourself, the more turmoil you experience. One day at a time.

Annette said...

Oh Momma, I hear is SO hard to stay out of their business when they are in our house and their business is all around us.

It sounds like you are doing all the work. If he really wanted sobriety and a healthy life he would be pursuing it no matter what the cost. I think before you call anyone, you need to evaluate if its stuff that is in your hula hoop to manage? Is it yours to take care of? If calling the PO is one way to take care of yourself then go ahead. You can share any info you want and then let it go. It is out of your hands.

I am thinking about you. We live in the country too and while it is beautiful, it does provide certain obstacles. ((HUG)) Wish I was closer..I would make that walk with you!

Dad and Mom said...

I never snitched my son out to his PO. I did contact his PO because he lived at my hoouse and I ask the PO his advice on my dealing with him and if there were things he and I could do together to help my son get to a "good" place.

One PO he had, this was great, the other was not really interested in that type of teamwork.

I have to say what are your motives and objectives to working with his PO? Motive means a whole lot and it must be a positive experience for you the PO and hopefully your son too.

clean and crazy said...

boy dad said it all didn't he?
don't beat yourself up just because your human and a mom who cares. it would get scary when you stop caring. i don't have an answer for you it sounds like he is on the fence, doesn't really believe in recovery and from the sounds for your local NA there is not much there. try going to and looking up a meeting search in your area, make sure those are 'real NA' meetings he is going to. i know AA is more established world wide and has better meetings what he needs are some speaker tapes and the online speaker meeting i used to listen to shut down. try this site cut and paste it into your search bar and hopefully the website will come up the website is called Never Alone here is the home page i hope they work for you and maybe you can download some speaker tapes to play in your car while driving with him. NA does work, you can find anything in the rooms, you can find drugs, sex, rumor and gossip, you can also find recovery, it is what you are looking for.

Syd said...

I like the saying that if it doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up. I mind my own business. I can establish boundaries for me--not for someone else. I am sure that this is difficult because you care but it sounds as if the son needs to make some decisions and have some consequences.