February 28, 2010

Yet another day to be the "heavy"

My son's roomate did not pay the rent (that is the story anyways). He called then came by today wanting to leave his clothes in our garage. He asked me on Friday if he could crash at our house for about a week or until he could figure something out. His step-brother is coming back to town and he thinks they are going to get a place together. I don't know how he thinks that as he has no real employment, no money and is for sure not working a program. When he came by today he brought some girl with him (a recent friend who is pleasent enough). Anyways, I went to my room and he came in to talk. I just am too tired. I was finding it hard to hold my boundaries "with love" today. I basically told him I wasn't sure if he should even leave his stuff here and proceeded to tell him that his comings and goings can not continue, he needs to take any job he can..blah, blah, blah. Basically got up in it instead of holding my tongue until I could speak a loving truth. He left, I cried, my husband called him and told him to bring his clothes and drop them off in the garage (we discussed it and both agreed to that). My husband picked him up later to help him with some chores as he owed us a little money from a bit back and is finishing up paying it off with work. I am tired of my son putting me in the position to have to be the heavy, to tell him he can't stay with us, it just makes me sick to my stomach and sad. I feel so bad for him but also know how bad it is for us when he is here and not really working at it.

I have been thinking about my blog lately and how I write. I am pretty sure I just ramble and envy many of you that have a way of orchastrating your posts so that they read like melting butter. I feel like my writing comes off like a hard boiled egg that you can't peel! But I do write honest and from my heart so it is what it is.

They have blocked our computers at work from any and all social network type sites, so I can't get on at lunch or break and comment much anymore. I will try and do that in the evenings now. What a strange post, must be the full moon and 80 degree weather here.


LisaC said...

My heart goes out to you, because I've felt those same feelings that you are feeling. And aren't we hard on ourselves? You feel pushed and pulled emotionally by your son, and now you don't even think your blog is "good enough."

You are not the heavy...you are setting a boundary that you can live with; and that is what gives you the freedom and the peace to keep loving him; and after all that you have been through, it is the right thing to do.

You are in my heart and in my prayers. You are doing okay and you will feel peace soon. Take care of yourself.

Lou said...

Maybe you could write your boundaries down? Sit down with husband and son so everyone sees it, and understands. I did that, and it cut down on "surprises" that made me sick to my stomach.

Take care of yourself, R.

Kathy M. said...

You do write honestly and from the heart. I appreciate your posts.

It is hard when our kids put us in these positions. But when I started saying "no" consistently, my daughter stopped asking. And she found her own solutions.

Something I hear from time to time is we teach people how to treat us. It's just that it's really hard when those people are your children and you love them and don't want to see them hurt.

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves.

Love and hugs to you.

Annette said...

Well first of all I so hear you. Second of all the egg analogy is a perfect example of what a good writer you are. :o) Your blog is wonderful and your honesty shines through which is THE most important aspect.

This is hard stuff....take care of yourself today. I love Lou's idea which would qualify as taking good care of you.

kristi said...

Ugh, my brothers do not work and my Mom just went and picked up the youngest one who was threatening suicide.
They make me tired.
They are both on drugs.

Heather's Mom said...

I will keep praying for you and your son, it's a tough place to be in, it's good you're on the same page with your husband and making decisions together.
I had to laugh when I read how you felt about your writing! I feel the same way. I guess for me it is the insecurity that is such a part of ME. But I always think that for my posts AND my comments! Never thought that about yours or anyone else's!.. just mine :)
God bless.
Love & huggs!

Garnet said...

I like your posts too. As someone with preteens, I feel like you are walking the path ahead of me. Setting those great big boundaries can't be easy. Thanks for showing me how it's done.

Sherry said...

I liked what Lou said. Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers!


Her Big Sad said...

Love Lou's idea - and sure hope that if you are able to do that, it gives you a sense of increased preparedness. We can never be entirely ready for what they are going to throw at us, but we can be as ready as possible!

I love your blog - please keep writing!!

Bristolvol said...

I would have a hard time with all that too. Fortunately, I did not find out that my daughter is an addict until she was already married the first time. She never mentioned living at my house, because I am way too strict for her. I laughed out loud when a read your hard boiled egg theory. I love to read your blog as well as all the others, it makes it so versatile when we all just write the way we feel. We are all in the same rotten boat trying to stay above water.
Take care and don't worry about the blog!

Syd said...

It would be helpful to have your husband on board and agree on some boundaries that you both will hold the line with. I am sure that all this is hard. Take care of yourself.

Tina said...

I read Lou's blog...and stop over here from time to time...your writing is authentic and from your heart... from where I stand that is everything. (ps and it all reads fine)

Barbara said...

Hey what do you mean? You write really well, I love the way you put your thoughts out there so honestly. I enjoy your writing style very much.

As for the "situation" - I don't have anything to add that is more helpful than what has already been said. I care. I am here for you. I like Lou's idea too.

Yep, full moon, very warm weather! Its time to get out the shorts and sandals...oh wait, us So. Californians never put them away! ;)

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

I haven't been reading blogs lately. I'm so behind. As I read this, I am right where you are. My son's roommate isn't paying rent etc. etc. etc. I so want my son to come home, especially now that methadone is helping him. BUT, we said ONE YEAR of sobriety and three months isn't enough. It's hard, but they leave us no choice. You are not rambling at all. I feel your pain.

Madison said...

Love does not mean you have to absord the aftershock of all your son's bad choices. I'll bet he's more resourceful than you think. He's probably more resourceful than he thinks. Stand tall. Say it. Mean it. Toss out guilt. He's going to make it. Don't let him leave you broken down, busted, wiped out and heavy. If he makes six bad decisions, don't pick up five of them. He'll learn the hard way. Some of us have to do that - even parents. Just my two cents. Parents do not have to be controlled by the bad behavior of the kids they lovingly birthed. Been there. It's awful.