February 20, 2010
Getting real and being a cry baby
I have had an interesting vacation week at our little house by the ocean. I set out from our home last Friday with the full intention of becoming "well", getting in touch with my body and really working at taking care of my physical self and trying to connect it with my mental and spiritual self. Wow, little did I know I would end up feeling physically worse and crying like a baby!
As you know if you have been reading I injured my wrist a couple of weeks ago. The doctor said it was hyperextended/sprained but I still wonder if it isn't broke (he took x-rays). Anyways, I fell several days ago and used my hand to catch me. I fell again today at the beach and tried not to use my hand as a brace again, but I not only ended up using it to brace me but my ass as well. I am generally not this clutsy and was on unsteady footing in both situations. Needless to say I am sore as all get out. I also have a really bad sinus problem and have had much doctoring on it over the years. I have been battling yet another sinus infection while here I believe. I have been walking 1/2 hour a day (I stuck to that), and eating healthier but just feel weak and crappy. And to top it all off I have been having out of the blue crying jags. I realized today that I am just plain sad, sad for my health, for the loss of my mom and sister in the last two years, sad my son is a raging oxy addict and my brother is, well just my brother! Thank God for my husband!
I need to get real right and tell you all that I am scared as hell for my son. It is all coming to the surface again for me right now, the awful fear and plain grief. I am so tired of being sad and so I think I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, which I don't like to do but nonetheless am doing right now.
I know there is nothing I can do for my son but pray and give it to God, try and love him with my boundaries in place, etc. But right now I just want to say screw all of that and grab him, hold him and keep him safe. I hate addiction, I hate that prescription pills are so easily available to our youth and that they are so unaware at the time they first participate in using how addictive opiates are. I am mad, sad and sick.
Nothing has really changed for my son, no recent drama unfolding, no trigger for me to become so upset. I feel so much empathy for his struggle. He often relays that he wants to stop, he tries but he is just not ready I guess. It is just still so hard to believe some days that my sweet son is so ill and there is nothing I can do. He lives the life of an addict, being on probation, passing drug tests (somehow), living off pawning the last of his belongings, selling to get high and pay any bills he is even able to pay. He just moved in with some new friend (girl) and his rent is supposed to be $200.00, plus all the other expenses. I know it won't last long, I know he will use all the illegal money to pay for more drugs. I know he does not believe he needs any type of rehab (he went once for 30 days), he doesn't believe in the 12 step program, he simply is an addict not ready to get clean dammit!
Sorry for the gloom and rambling, but I needed to get this out in writing, get it out somewhere. I just feel so desperate and hopeless right now. I know it will pass and I will become stronger again.
I wonder if this is what allowing yourself to get in touch with your body is supposed to feel like, cause if so I am not so sure I like it much.