I have had an interesting vacation week at our little house by the ocean. I set out from our home last Friday with the full intention of becoming "well", getting in touch with my body and really working at taking care of my physical self and trying to connect it with my mental and spiritual self. Wow, little did I know I would end up feeling physically worse and crying like a baby!
As you know if you have been reading I injured my wrist a couple of weeks ago. The doctor said it was hyperextended/sprained but I still wonder if it isn't broke (he took x-rays). Anyways, I fell several days ago and used my hand to catch me. I fell again today at the beach and tried not to use my hand as a brace again, but I not only ended up using it to brace me but my ass as well. I am generally not this clutsy and was on unsteady footing in both situations. Needless to say I am sore as all get out. I also have a really bad sinus problem and have had much doctoring on it over the years. I have been battling yet another sinus infection while here I believe. I have been walking 1/2 hour a day (I stuck to that), and eating healthier but just feel weak and crappy. And to top it all off I have been having out of the blue crying jags. I realized today that I am just plain sad, sad for my health, for the loss of my mom and sister in the last two years, sad my son is a raging oxy addict and my brother is, well just my brother! Thank God for my husband!
I need to get real right and tell you all that I am scared as hell for my son. It is all coming to the surface again for me right now, the awful fear and plain grief. I am so tired of being sad and so I think I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, which I don't like to do but nonetheless am doing right now.
I know there is nothing I can do for my son but pray and give it to God, try and love him with my boundaries in place, etc. But right now I just want to say screw all of that and grab him, hold him and keep him safe. I hate addiction, I hate that prescription pills are so easily available to our youth and that they are so unaware at the time they first participate in using how addictive opiates are. I am mad, sad and sick.
Nothing has really changed for my son, no recent drama unfolding, no trigger for me to become so upset. I feel so much empathy for his struggle. He often relays that he wants to stop, he tries but he is just not ready I guess. It is just still so hard to believe some days that my sweet son is so ill and there is nothing I can do. He lives the life of an addict, being on probation, passing drug tests (somehow), living off pawning the last of his belongings, selling to get high and pay any bills he is even able to pay. He just moved in with some new friend (girl) and his rent is supposed to be $200.00, plus all the other expenses. I know it won't last long, I know he will use all the illegal money to pay for more drugs. I know he does not believe he needs any type of rehab (he went once for 30 days), he doesn't believe in the 12 step program, he simply is an addict not ready to get clean dammit!
Sorry for the gloom and rambling, but I needed to get this out in writing, get it out somewhere. I just feel so desperate and hopeless right now. I know it will pass and I will become stronger again.
I wonder if this is what allowing yourself to get in touch with your body is supposed to feel like, cause if so I am not so sure I like it much.
15 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you feel like this. I was sick with fear and worry for a lot of years. My pain didn't do anything to change the situation with my son. I hope you can really start taking the time to take care of yourself. I believe my friend actually got a serious physical illness because of her constant stress over her son.
this question has been bothering me for awhile. I am headed over to my blog to post about it
I wonder if addicts ever totally understand the impact of their behavior on others.
I couldn't get through the day without a good daily dose of self pity but I guess the trick is not to wallow in it. I am going to give that a whirl this week too.
I'm glad you wrote all this out. Its so much better to get it out there and just say it. I think just about anyone who reads can relate to some or all of what you said (((Renee)). You really don't need this physical pain (wrist, sinus) on top of everything else! I hate drugs and addiction too. I hate hate hate all of it. I hate what it does to families. I'm thinking of you and caring about you and your son.
I'm a big believer in crying and letting it out. And, like you said, writing and getting it out I've found has done wonders for me.
Maybe it's good that you got away so you COULD "let it out" where you could feel safe with only your dear husband. Getting it out will actually give you strength when you return.
I hope you (stop falling!) and your wrist improves.
Praying for you and your family. God bless.
I also have times that I feel sad, fearful etc. - everyone does - and like you said, you know it will pass. I think the important thing to do is to realize that we're still in recovery and even if it feels like we're "back to square one", actually we're growing! We need to tell ourselves that it's okay to be right where we are today - because it is - and to surrender and not struggle with the way we feel - to just accept!
Prayers for you and your son. And hugs for you.
There is never a reason to say "I'm sorry" for being sad. With the people we generally love most (our sons and daughters) addicted to a variety of horrible substances, it affects our hearts and our minds and sadness can and always will be a by-product of that. You know that with the passing of time, and with continuing to pray and give this to God you will feel better soon. In the meantime, it is okay to write about sadness when it exists; and I hope that your wrist and everything else, feels better soon.
Thank you all for the well wishes. The wrist feels a little better (or I am being less of a sissy about it). Lou, I agree that stress can actually kill people and wreak havoc on the body and know I must make changes. Madison, I just don't think they do. Sherry, you nailed it when you stated "We need to tell ourselves that it's okay to be right where we are today - because it is - and to surrender and not struggle with the way we feel - to just accept!" This has been my struggle...not to struggle with being where I am. Thank you all so much. I feel better just having you in my corner for support.
You and I are two peas in a pod...I fell down our stairs a week ago and have been sore ever since. I have a raging head cold and then our kids...yes our kids. It was a wild concept to me that it was even a possibility that I could be ok and happy even if my child wasn't. Some days I actually manage to live that out. Hang in there honey. You can email me anytime if you ever want to.
I hear you on this one.... We have this big sadness in our lives and our hearts. That's enough. But when you add in illness, fatigue, work stress, whatever, it can be way more difficult to handle.
That's when something simple like dropping a small unimportant item can result in me crying as if it was my grandmother's china! sheesh!
I hope you get some relief from the sinuses and the aches and pains resulting from your falls! That's not fun, when every movement hurts! Sinus infections are miserable....even tying your shoes to go take that 30 minute walk can make your face hurt as you bend over!!
My suggestion would be that you continue trying the eating healthy thing and the walking, simply because from my own experience, each attempt at changing my eating patterns/exercise tolerance resulted in a few days of feeling like pure unmitigated horse poop, but the breakthrough came on about day 5 or 6 when things sort of clicked and I began to feel better and actually ENJOY the efforts!! I'm praying you're hitting that breakthrough! Good for you, for walking like that! Hope you can keep it up!!
Hugs!
The fears are kept at bay now for me. Yet, occasionally I will feel that worry and anxiety come up. I'm so conditioned to that way of thinking that it takes little to trigger it. But I am glad that I have tools from Al-Anon to deal with these thoughts. There is nothing that I can do to change another. There is nothing. I can only take care of myself.
I just got around to read your post and now it's 4 days later, hopefully things have improved for you. I think your mood is just part of what we are going through as parents of addicts. We are prone to pitty parties. The trick is, to make those spurts short and bearable. Be good to yourself, do something that brings you joy. I always try to take comfort in the thought that this also shall pass.
Hope you feel better soon.
I just got around to reading your entry. It's now 4 days later and I hope you are feeling better. We can only change our situation, not our addicted kids'. Try to do something that brings you joy and be good to yourself. You deserve it! Hope you feel better soon.
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