Posted earlier todayMy son just called me and asked what we are doing this weekend. I told him we were going out of town on Saturday and would be back Easter Sunday afternoon. He advised that he is going to ask his drug counselor to go to rehab (prop. 36) but that he would need a place to stay for a couple of days. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to stay with us, that I was at work and we would have to discuss it later. I told him I did not want him coming home and detoxing in my home. He stated he has some suboxone and he isn't detoxing. I again said I didn't think it was a good idea and we would have to talk later. As I was trying to tell him that I want to be supportive but need to be sure he is serious about going into a program, he hung up as his feelings seemed hurt and he was mad. Seems like manipulation to me. I am conflicted between feeling like I am being manipulated/used and feeling sorry and sad for my boy. I just don't think he is ready?? This sucks, my fear is rearing its ugly head and I just want to pick up the phone and call him, tell him how much I love him and how much I want him to work it out. I just need to know that he knows I love him so much. I have acted out in anger so many times with him over the past three years and I just am feeling vulnerable right now. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I know I need to let go right now, but I feel like I just abandoned my son:(
April 2, 2010
**UPDATE**Conflicting Emotions
<**UPDATE FROM POST BELOW** First I wanted to thank you all for the support, you all help me so much. I took some time to allow myself to feel my feelings, check my motives, etc. I then came home and sat down at the kitchen table with my husband. I shared with him how I was feeling and my thoughts about my/our next step. We decided that if my son brought some type of paperwork from his counselor that showed he was in line to get into a rehab and some type of time frame indicated as to when that would happen, we would allow him to stay with us for a few days. I called my son, advised him of the above, also that there would be no cell phone, no phone calls, no leaving or friends coming over until he left for rehab. I told him that I loved him but that I had a lot of fear for him and that I tended to act that out by getting up in his stuff, in his way. I told him I must protect myself, my peace and my way of life. I told him that we loved him and would always support him if he was working towards sobriety. I told him he could not come to my house to stay for a few days UNLESS he was lined up and ready for the rehab and that he could show me some sort of evidence of that. I also advised him that he could not live with us as it is no longer healthy for him or I. I felt like this was the decision I could live with while keeping some sort of boundaries in place. The ball is in his court now. We are off tomorrow to Sacramento to see a comedy show, nice dinner and a night away. We will be back Easter Sunday and cooking a nice little dinner. I hope you all have a peaceful, joy filled Easter! I cherish and am so grateful for this community.
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10 comments:
I know that it feels like abandonment, but you are just enforcing your boundaries. Don't let him put you on a guilt trip, because they are good at that. It may help to look at the situation more from your point of view instead of his. You deserve a peaceful Easter holiday. Happy Easter!
Trust your first instinct! It's torture to keep feeling so conflicted. He knows you love him! Sending prayers and love!
That is a tough one! My sympathies are with you. It makes sense that you want your house to remain a safe place for you. It also makes sense that you want to help him when he asks for help. Both are true. When I'm unsure of how to proceed, I find it helpful to check in with my sponsor or go to a meeting.
It does feel like abandonment. But it's not.... I keep hearing from other wise folks in Alanon that it's getting out of his way (your son's) so that he can learn what he needs to learn, etc. I also cling to the knowledge that our Higher Power loves our children even more than we do.
So maybe, we are getting out of His way too!
Hope you have a good trip out of town!
You didn't abandon your son. You supported him. If he really wants the help 2 days at your home or 2 days on the street is not going to make a difference. But you know "home" is not good for him so you did what you know deep down he needed.
It sounds like you've done all the "right" things... step by step. Telling him you can't talk at work, discussing it with your husband, coming up with a realistic plan, setting boundaries... You have not abandoned him at all, and he has to do for him now, and it's with your support.
I hope you have a great trip and enjoy the show!
God bless.
Well first... Sacramento?? We could have done coffee in real life!! Email me if you ever want to meet up. I would love to have coffee sometime.
I hope you had a good trip. It sounds like you are making some good choices as far as your involvement. I hope he is able to get into a rehab that works for him. It is so wonderful that he is asking, he is choosing to pursue that. Keep your own side of the street clean and take good care.
good job putting the ball in his court. sounds like you are haded a good direction. hope he runs with it. have a wonderful easter!
My heart goes out to you. It's hard to get out of the way and let God work in the lives of our loved ones. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers this Easter. Love and hugs to you.
I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself by stating what you want. That takes a lot of courage but is worth it to keep serenity in place.
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