April 21, 2010
Well, first things first. I spoke to my doctor on Monday and after talking to the oncologist/hematologist, they do not think at this point I have any type of blood disease or cancer, but that my protein levels are high from infection. I have chronic sinus problems, so I will continue to flush the sinuses, have surgery in the next couple of months and re-check the blood protein in 6 months or so. I kept myself pretty busy this weekend with the Rodeo, tried to stay present and enjoy myself as much as possible. My husband and I were very nervous off and on all weekend but I managed to have a good time for most of the weekend.
We had lots of drama over the past week. Not just the medical tests, but my brother took off for a couple of days on a manic episode and my son struggled at the Rodeo to remain clean. I held myself together, didn't get up in it with either of them. I told my son he could not stay with us at our house unless he was clean/sober and only until Rehab in May. It is hard to accept the fact that my son has a SEVERE addiction problem with not just opiates but all substances, and my brother also does also along with his mental illness. My son did not stay with us on Saturday night as he was drinking with some friends and my husband and I enjoyed the evening to ourselves after the Rodeo. We attended Rodeo again on Sunday and by Sunday night my husband, myself, my brother and my son, along with my step-son and his GF, sat down to a nice dinner, nobody was intoxicated or using.
I kept most of my boundaries in place, kept some peace in my mind and spirit in spite of the drama. I know I will only get better at this. I know my boundaries will grow and I will "do what I say, say what I mean" as I continue to travel through this journey, just taking me some time to get there. I am not perfect, never will be, but I have grown so much in the past 6 months alone.
I have missed you all so much and have been trying to keep up with reading and commenting through all the distractions. I noticed how much toll the stress over the past few years has taken on my body. I have been practicing body scans and am amazed at how tense my whole body is, my shoulders, jaw, even my tongue. Just amazing what not looking at ourselves and our own issues can do internally. I never thought I had a problem, that it was always the addicts, but I have come to realize I must work on myself, it is the most important thing now. It has to come first, I have to come first. I finally believe that I deserve that...sure took a LONG time getting to that realization and I am not always convicted in it.
I really want to start working my steps, seriously, not just reading through the books, etc. We only have a couple of members at our local Al-anon group where I live and none of them feel right to me as sponsors. I am wondering if anyone knows if the online Al-anon can hook me up with a sponsor and if anyone has had that experience? I know it is not the same as up close and personal, but at this point I would like to get started. Let me know your feedback.
Saying prayers for us all.