Well, first things first. I spoke to my doctor on Monday and after talking to the oncologist/hematologist, they do not think at this point I have any type of blood disease or cancer, but that my protein levels are high from infection. I have chronic sinus problems, so I will continue to flush the sinuses, have surgery in the next couple of months and re-check the blood protein in 6 months or so. I kept myself pretty busy this weekend with the Rodeo, tried to stay present and enjoy myself as much as possible. My husband and I were very nervous off and on all weekend but I managed to have a good time for most of the weekend.
We had lots of drama over the past week. Not just the medical tests, but my brother took off for a couple of days on a manic episode and my son struggled at the Rodeo to remain clean. I held myself together, didn't get up in it with either of them. I told my son he could not stay with us at our house unless he was clean/sober and only until Rehab in May. It is hard to accept the fact that my son has a SEVERE addiction problem with not just opiates but all substances, and my brother also does also along with his mental illness. My son did not stay with us on Saturday night as he was drinking with some friends and my husband and I enjoyed the evening to ourselves after the Rodeo. We attended Rodeo again on Sunday and by Sunday night my husband, myself, my brother and my son, along with my step-son and his GF, sat down to a nice dinner, nobody was intoxicated or using.
I kept most of my boundaries in place, kept some peace in my mind and spirit in spite of the drama. I know I will only get better at this. I know my boundaries will grow and I will "do what I say, say what I mean" as I continue to travel through this journey, just taking me some time to get there. I am not perfect, never will be, but I have grown so much in the past 6 months alone.
I have missed you all so much and have been trying to keep up with reading and commenting through all the distractions. I noticed how much toll the stress over the past few years has taken on my body. I have been practicing body scans and am amazed at how tense my whole body is, my shoulders, jaw, even my tongue. Just amazing what not looking at ourselves and our own issues can do internally. I never thought I had a problem, that it was always the addicts, but I have come to realize I must work on myself, it is the most important thing now. It has to come first, I have to come first. I finally believe that I deserve that...sure took a LONG time getting to that realization and I am not always convicted in it.
I really want to start working my steps, seriously, not just reading through the books, etc. We only have a couple of members at our local Al-anon group where I live and none of them feel right to me as sponsors. I am wondering if anyone knows if the online Al-anon can hook me up with a sponsor and if anyone has had that experience? I know it is not the same as up close and personal, but at this point I would like to get started. Let me know your feedback.
Saying prayers for us all.
Renee
6 comments:
Renee, I was wondering whether there were Al-Anon groups in a reasonable driving distance. I drive about 35 miles several times a week to get to meetings. One of the things to do is to look up meetings from the Al-Anon meeting list for your area. That would enable you to see what might be available. Luckily, for this area, there are around 20 meetings within about a 40 minute drive.
Living stressed takes its toll. I'm catching up on your blog. Sounds like you are recognizing your stress level and working on going with your flow, not everyone else's. It's great to read blogs over time and follow change. The story of an addict doesn't change too much. Maybe a good day here and there. You better watch out. If you keep going down the path you're on, you could end up with a great life no matter which day it is for the addict. Hopefully, your brother and son will see the light. You'll already be walking in it. Take care of you.
Madison
I wonder if the Al-Anon World Service Office would know (1-888-425-2666)?
Like Syd, my 2 favorite meetings are 30 and 40 minute drives.
I am glad to know they don't think it's a blood disease, but I do hope they figure it out or you get some relief after the sinus surgery.
Stress taking a toll: on the evening news tonight they had a woman who is 101. A doctor studying people who live to be over a hundred said they all have in common that they are optimistic, outgoing people. I turned to my husband and said I guess I'm not living to be 100. lol
You are making progress! But I know, I can feel the same way.
God bless.
Love & hugs!
That's great about your health! It's great that you are putting yourself first - although it may seem to be a selfish thing - I believe as you say, "It has to come first, I have to come first"!
I am relieved that your health issues are not anything too horrible. I know what you mean about stress.
I also miss everyone and have not been catching up as much as I want.
Keep up the good work, you're making great strides at caring for yourself.
I am so glad I found your blog. My 22 year old son has been struggling with an opiate addiction for two years now, before that other drugs and alcohol. I too am realizing that I need to take care of myself. This week was tough the focus was solely on him and trying to figure out what to do next. Tomorrow am before work dr appt with my son to start him on suboxone. I was thinking tonight just how exhausted I am and how much I want my life back.
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