I am just plain afraid today. My anxiety level is off the charts. I am nauseated, nervous stomach, feel like I can't take a deep breath and basically like I am in panic mode, having an attack. I used to have severe anxiety disorder as shown on my Act 1 and Act 2 which is my main life story.
We sat down with my brother and had a discussion with him. We are not ready to make him leave as he has put out way more effort working on himself and his future than not. We are very open and honest with him about his mental illness and monitor it with his medication and his psychiatrist. We will discuss this weekend's episode with his doctor at his next appointment.
If you read here you know that I told my son I had to have proof of him entering a prop. 36 rehab program before he could stay at my home until the bed opens up. I got a phone call on my lunch hour from my son's drug and alcohol counselor. They are setting him up for rehab, but not sure when the funding will be released. He said he is hoping for the next couple of days but not to hold him to it. So in the meantime, my son will come and stay with us, without use of his cell phone, our phone, no visitors and no going into town without us. That is just until he leaves for rehab assuming that happens. I will hold tight to my boundaries, I know I can't live for him or do it for him, but I won't have the phone ringing off the hook or people coming to my home that he has been affiliated with. I am nervous about my peace. I know this is temporary and I can shift my boundaries if necessary, but it still makes me very uneasy. I feel as though I need to support him in his efforts to recovery, no matter how or why he gets there.
I have been seeing a sinus specialist and he did some tests on my immune system. They called today and said they received the results of some blood tests and need more. They now want a standard CBC but also one to check my lymphnodes. O.K., that panicked me, probably because my anxiety level is already so high and of course I am assuming the worst.
I went to a meeting last night and that was helpful. I am just so anxiety ridden today that I just cried for no apparent reason. I am at work and my co-worker is taking off starting tomorrow for three weeks. I have to pick up the slack and my boss is sick and irritable (mean). I must get myself into a space of healing. I will go home and read and I have a counseling appointment tomorrow night.
I am thinking of Her Big Sad and Peggy. I pray we will all find peace no matter what is happening around us. Thanks to you all for always commenting and rallying around when I need it, I thank God for each of you.