April 6, 2010

Just Scared

I am just plain afraid today. My anxiety level is off the charts. I am nauseated, nervous stomach, feel like I can't take a deep breath and basically like I am in panic mode, having an attack. I used to have severe anxiety disorder as shown on my Act 1 and Act 2 which is my main life story.

We sat down with my brother and had a discussion with him. We are not ready to make him leave as he has put out way more effort working on himself and his future than not. We are very open and honest with him about his mental illness and monitor it with his medication and his psychiatrist. We will discuss this weekend's episode with his doctor at his next appointment.

If you read here you know that I told my son I had to have proof of him entering a prop. 36 rehab program before he could stay at my home until the bed opens up. I got a phone call on my lunch hour from my son's drug and alcohol counselor. They are setting him up for rehab, but not sure when the funding will be released. He said he is hoping for the next couple of days but not to hold him to it. So in the meantime, my son will come and stay with us, without use of his cell phone, our phone, no visitors and no going into town without us. That is just until he leaves for rehab assuming that happens. I will hold tight to my boundaries, I know I can't live for him or do it for him, but I won't have the phone ringing off the hook or people coming to my home that he has been affiliated with. I am nervous about my peace. I know this is temporary and I can shift my boundaries if necessary, but it still makes me very uneasy. I feel as though I need to support him in his efforts to recovery, no matter how or why he gets there.

I have been seeing a sinus specialist and he did some tests on my immune system. They called today and said they received the results of some blood tests and need more. They now want a standard CBC but also one to check my lymphnodes. O.K., that panicked me, probably because my anxiety level is already so high and of course I am assuming the worst.

I went to a meeting last night and that was helpful. I am just so anxiety ridden today that I just cried for no apparent reason. I am at work and my co-worker is taking off starting tomorrow for three weeks. I have to pick up the slack and my boss is sick and irritable (mean). I must get myself into a space of healing. I will go home and read and I have a counseling appointment tomorrow night.

I am thinking of Her Big Sad and Peggy. I pray we will all find peace no matter what is happening around us. Thanks to you all for always commenting and rallying around when I need it, I thank God for each of you.


Dad and Mom said...

Dear Mom,

Take a deep breath. You are DOING exactly what needs to be done. I wish we all had your resolve.

You are taking care of yourself with the doctor and with meetings. A talk with brother was due and he has to live up to his obligations as you outlined them. Son is trying to get into rehab. Entrance is out of his control and yours too but you have good boundaries and he alos knows what has to happen to make it happen.

Be strong, you have a lot coming down all at once but you are doing exactly what you have to do. Feel strong, be strong. One way or another it all comes out in the end, usually no matter what we do.

Peggy said...

Renee - I know that feeling of anxiety that is teetering on the edge of going out of control. When I"m feeling that way, I'm catastrophizing and expecting the worse. I often blow things way out of proportion and make things so much more difficult for myself. It's a horrible space to be in. Nothing is worse than not knowing things, worrying about a child's well-being, waiting . . . You're right - this interim time before your son goes to rehab is like being in purgatory. It sounds, though, like you have a good plan and have the strength to stick to it.
I hope everything checks for you physically - we don't realize what a toll our children's addiction takes on us.
Thank you for your support and keeping me in your thoughts today. At 4:00pm, I'm supposed to meet with Hayley. I've heard she's in bad shape. I'm trying to stay strong - and hope I can give her the love she needs right now. Peggy

Garnet said...

Praying for you now. This too will pass... Love and hope, Garnet.

Kathy M. said...

I will also pray you find peace. (((Hugs)))

Annette said...

Just for today...really helps me. Just for today I will put my son and my brother into God's hands and let go of them and leave them there for Him to take care of. Just for today I will focus on myself and my job and my responsibilities. Just for today I will trust that God has it all under His care....the rehab bed opening up, the funding being released, your son staying put and following your rules, your brother finding his way...and I will choose to rest in that knowledge.

((HUG)) Keep writing here, call a program friend, email me anytime you want. You can do this. You are doing it. It doesn't feel good, but you are managing it all just fine.

Cheri said...


Sounds like you have some good boundaries set in place. We will pray God gives you the strength to follow through.

Wanted you to know that though I don't pop in as often as I'd like, I am praying...


Sherry said...

I am praying for your peace during this stressful time and that physically, you are well! Also praying that Zach is admitted to the rehab within the next couple of days!

Syd said...

I have found that if I say the Serenity Prayer over and over, it helps to quiet my mind. Often I just have to get through 15 minutes at a time. It helps to call a program friend, sponsor, or spiritual person. Share the emotional load and don't carry the burden by yourself.

Heather's Mom said...

Glad you are holding to your boundaries you already discussed - and glad he gets to be home for a couple days (never said I was tough! I want my kid home even when I know it is so not right - note: she's not coming home so it's a moot point).
Glad you had an honest talk with your brother too.
Even if things don't feel good, you're doing good with your actions.
I hope your sinuses are okay - I can handle the worst illnesses with other people, but when it's me I crumble, I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it. You've got so much going on all at once. Pray every chance you get, even if it just to praise God.
God bless. Sending love, hugs and prayers your way!

Mom trying to Detach with Love said...

I get so much good feedback from you all, it made me feel stronger, more confident in my actions and released some of my anxiety just reading your comments. There is strength in numbers! I came home, took a walk, sat down to dinner and have done a little reading/blogging. For today, I took a deep breath (thanks Dad), and trusted that God has it all in his hands (thanks Annette). I will re-read this post again in the morning to give me strength. Much love and appreciation to you all.

Barbara said...

Oh Sweetie, I am so very sorry. That is the worse feeling! I hope you can find some peace...the suggestions of saying the Serenity prayer always help me. And sometimes all we can do is live one moment at a time and know that it will get better. I hate knowing you feel this way and hope it passes soon. Praying for your family...all of you.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Some days are like this. Try whatever works to relax and center yourself--meetings, talking to your sponsor or others, serenity prayer, all of the above. Sometimes it also just helps to get busy on something unrelated. Just got to give it a chance to pass. Take care!

Kim A. said...

Sometimes just stopping and being quiet helps me to remember what the next right thing to do is..and the next. I am a slow learner :-D Hugs!


A Mom' Serious Blunder said...

Boy do I know that feeling. It actually was odd seeing some one else write exactly how I feel. I will say a prayer for you and I hope you are already feeling much better.