Apprehension

My husband and I are leaving this Thursday afternoon to attend a concert, and then headed to the Coast for three nights. We have a friend who will be staying at our house while we are away to keep an eye on things. My son and brother have both been staying at our home this past week. I am concerned about leaving, it always makes me a bit uneasy. The son usuaully has some medical or other drama come up ALWAYS when we are on vacation. But I am going to forge past all my apprehension and go, only answer my phone from the friend staying at our home, and just shut it all out. My husband and I so need this time with each other and to just have some silence, time to read, watch the ocean, have some fun. We both deserve it. Whatever happens while we are away will just have to happen, it will anyways and nothing I can do about it, so I am going to refrain from worrying. Just needed to get this off my chest I guess.

Honestly??

O.K. so I am feeling a bit strange this morning. Like am I really being honest with myself? I don't think I am. I sometimes feel reserved in my writing here and maybe hold back, justify, lie to myself? I feel a bit lost today everyone. My husband is angry and resentful, completely understandable and we have a counseling meeting on Tuesday, hopefully he will get some good out of that. I feel like I am still holding on to my son and my brother. I feel like a failure today, and I guess I am beating myself up..ha!

I keep feeling like I should just "get it", kind of like a quick fix for the big problems. I know better, but still flounder. I know recovery is a process but I just want my life back and can't seem to claim it. I know this probably doesn't make any sense, just letting my fingers do the talking. My son is a drug addict, my brother is bi-polar and a drug addict on parole, my husband is at his wits end and the pressure is mounting. I don't feel like I have the luxury of taking my time figuring this all out. Blah!

False Reality

Funny how we can convince ourselves that something we say, do or even provide to our addicted kids can actually have the ability to bring about change in them! I realized that I have been doing this lately. I have been thinking about how Zach is doing better than he was 6 months ago, how he is functioning in society better, not nodding off while standing up (in front of me anyways), going to college, looking for work, etc.

BUT...none of this has anything to do with me or what I might be able to offer to him. He is now on Prop. 36 probation, THAT is what is driving him to at least maintain a bit better.

I still believe if he is approachable then I will approach, and if he is not receptive, I will retreat.

Funny how our minds like to play around and make us think we are more powerful and in control of things. The only thing I am in control of is my own recovery, which is what I need to be busy concerning myself with:)

Backyard Dreams (55ve)

She placed the white sheet over the clothes line in the unkept backyard. Neighborhood children placed their quarters in the slot on top of the shoebox and took a seat. The young girl placed the veil over her face and pulled back the makeshift curtain. The act started, she played out her dreams and hopes.

Body Armor

I had an interesting experience tonight with my counselor. It was pretty much like a meditation experience with some major intensity thrown in for good measure. How fascinating it is to watch your own body experience sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, anxiety, panic and numbness. To really sit with my own body while experiencing different emotions and just accepting the emotion and then breathing it out to release it. I found that my body is so inflicted with stress and tension that I actually feel anxiety when it starts to relax, because it is a foreign sensation. I am uncomfortable in my own body in a relaxed state because I am always tense and ready for battle. I already knew this about myself, but to sit with it in full acceptance and just watch, WOW, mind blowing to watch stress actually eat away at my physical being. I will be more mindful of the effects stress is having on my body and learn to relax into it with acceptance and then release it.

Life's Waves

So I guess we weren't promised that life would be easy or work out the way we think. Hmmm, who would have guessed that! I am not sure why I somehow continue to engage in that type of thinking, allowing myself to be set up for disappointment and self-pity? I mean, I have tools, I have support but I guess old habits die hard. I presume when I get real tired of banging my head against the wall and realize that what I have been doing isn't working, I will say enough already.

My son of course is stuck in his teens even though he is 23 years old. He has made some steps towards being somewhat more functional (taking some college courses, working here and there, paying off his fines and making some efforts at home to be a more pleasant house guest). He is still engaging in his addiction and is not truly working a program. I am stuck. I know that allowing him to stay with me in my home is probably doing him more harm than good, and me more harm also. But I still can't get away from that idea that he is much better than he was a year ago and that he wouldn't be if I didn't provide him housing. So I continue to make it about me, about my fears of his failure, death, jail, etc., therefore, holding him hostage in a way. I know I can't keep him from dying, going to jail or even a recovery program, his program, his life. I have stepped back and have cut out putting my 2 cents in when he is making his mistakes. I hope I will be strong enough one day to let go, truly let go, and to know when to do it. Today, I will pray for myself to know when it is time.

P.S. I wouldn't know what a healthy relationship with my son looked like if it bit me on the ass!!

Morning Cup of Quiet Mind

My first 55, go easy on me:)

She stirred the sweetener in the cup of coffee, watching it dissolve and swirl. Her mind swirls with thoughts at the same rapid pace. She wonders if quiet will ever come and peace will dissolve her pain. He glances her way as she puts down the spoon, it is quiet and the sweetener is dissolved.

Who Am I

I am finding it hard to remember who I am and what I am about. Taking care of everyone else's problems (NOT), getting up in their business and in their way has made it really easy to lose myself. I don't take care of myself like I do others. I over eat, don't exercise, have gained 30 pounds in a year, tired and sick all the time. Not sure what my hobbies and likes/dislikes are anymore. Funny, I think I knew more about myself in my 20s then I do in my 40s. I am determined to start making a list of things to try or retry, to find out what I like to do and be ME. My Mom always said "you have to take care of number one before you can take care of anything else". I think I will finally try and take her advice.

Disease

I have struggled with addiction being a disease, not sure why, if it is just a general society denial or something else? I now can connect the dots with thoughts like the ones below:

A Diabetic who watches their sugar, eats healthy, exercises, takes their medication properly and monitors their disease, is not cured but can live a "well" life.

A Diabetic who eats sugar, does not exercise or monitor their sugar levels is not cured but also does not live a "well" life.

An addict who works a program, goes to meetings, rehab, works a 12-step, does everything they can to stay clean is not cured but can live a "well" life.

An addict who is in denial, does not work a program, does not attend any meetings, any rehab or do any 12-step program, does nothing to attend to the addiction is not cured and does not live a "well" life.

Numb

I am so numb. I must be internalizing all my fear, anger and grief. Just as I have stopped acting out my anger, my husband has started acting out his. Funny how behaviors you try to break can be mirrored right back at you. Big raucous last night. Told my homeless brother he couldn't stay with me, even though I wanted him too. Had a huge blow-out with the hubby, acting my anger out on him, yep I relapsed. Went and looked for the brother, found him laying on our mom's grave using the plastic flowers as a pillow, so sad...he is bi-polar and uses meth to self medicate. He has NEVER lived on his own, my mom died while he was prison on violation for drug use. I called the hubby and took my brother home for the night, but packed him a little bag of goodies and dropped him off on the street this morning. I am so conflicted. I know I can't save or fix my brother or son, just wish it didn't hurt so much and hurt so many people. I know I need to do some self soothing and re-engage in life with my hubby, just forgot how. This too shall pass.....??

Drain on the Brain

I feel numb....just can't make a decision and am just sitting with things. My son came home last night like nothing was wrong of course. I didn't jump down his throat but was not completely pleasant with him either. My brother came out to our house Saturday afternoon, hadn't eaten and no where to really stay. My brother is a dual diagnosis and has been in and out of prison basically for testing dirty on parole. He self medicates. My mother, God rest her sould, enabled him and he has never had to take care of himself. He stayed a couple of weeks with us and we helped him get started back on his Social Security funds for six months until they complete the evaluation steps. He received it for some years and had a payee, but they sent him two checks back to back at the end of July with his name only. He left our house, spent the checks on drugs and whatever. He is a kind soul but very lost. He came out and stayed a couple of nights and we did not discuss him going into town (we live a bit out from our town). My husband woke up today, angry that both my son and brother were there (didn't show this earlier, just Monday morning of course). He said they would not be staying in the house while we were away and that my brother had his weekend and he wasn't playing this game with him anymore. Now mind you, my brother worked his ass off at our house for his keep and is always polite and helpful, stays out of the way, unlike my son. I did not have time to talk to my brother this morning and he was confused about leaving the house as we had previously let him stay. Now I understand the whole frustration of this situation for my husband, but the way he handled it to me was just wrong. I think things should be discussed openly and my brother and myself given a heads up last night at least about what was happening today. I told my husband he is not to treat him so angrily as it just confuses him and causes resentment for everyone, including him. I told him we need to discuss things, not just do it his way at his whim without any communication. I know I am probably enabling my brother but I have lost so many family members in the past year and a half, I just like to spend time with him when he is able to be clear headed. UGH!!!!!!! I hate addiction and people who do not try to understand it, like my husband.

Floundering

Letting go to me sometimes feels like I am a fish, flopping on a rock out of water! Change is such a process and some days are worse than others for sure. Standing back, biting of the tongue (feel like I might have 1/2 a tongue soon), watching the train wreck that is my son's addiction. He is steadily again overwhelming himself with court/probation/medical problems that he has been starting to ignore or procrastinate on. He has failed to show up for his court ordered community service this week and they are turning him in to his probation officer. He has court on another matter in a neighboring county on Monday, not sure about that yet. He has an infected tooth that he is taking (not) antibiotics for. He left them at my house and has been gone a couple of days now. I know, all his stuff, his road to travel and I am not to get in the way of his Plan with God. The tooth thing does worry me the most to be honest along with not knowing if he is laying somewhere OD, but I have been praying a lot and giving it to God, reading Al-Anon material and trying to hit meetings. The Al-Anon meetings are few and far between in my community which really is sad. So here I sit, on my rock feeling slimy and flopping around, yet staying on the same rock:)

Not really ready yet

I had a good session with my counselor tonight. We came to the conclusion that I am at a stand still right now. Too much death, mourning and depression for me to make a decision about my limits with my son. I have made my son leave my home in the past. He was so high he couldn't walk, stay awake, be even remotely civil or respectful in any way. He usually was pretty ready to leave. I have had so much on my plate lately. I know my son is not really in "recovery". I know that he has used drugs off and on recently. I know he is only half-assing his probation. He has done some good things that I am trying to acknowledge instead of making him feel like he can't accomplish anything, which has been my general attitude in the past due to the resentment that I built up due to his addiction. He has on his own signed up for some college courses, goes to most of his probation meetings, filled out his own financial aid papers. I am trying not to say anything other than "great", etc. No negativity, biting my tounge, not mentioning that I really feel like he will more than likely not be able to handle school due to his inability to stay clean and the only reason he wants to go is for the grant money and to look good for probation. I have been open with my husband and told him that we will deal with the situation and that we will come up with some type of plan. We are going to both meet with my counselor in a couple of weeks to try and get on the same page. He is supportive and I am very lucky to have him. Thank God for my husband! My son has an infected tooth, no insurance and it needs to be pulled. I took him to the dentist, paid for his first visit and the antibiotics he must take for a week before it gets pulled. I told the girl at the desk that I would be paying for any medications and that I would not pay for any opiates, no Vicoden or anything stronger. I told them I would pay for Codeine/Tylenol or Darvocet if the doctor thought it was needed. I told my son this and I told him I would doll them out to him. He was prescribed 800 mg Ibuprofen for now, he wasn't real happy, says he is in pain. I told him if the doctor thought he needed anything stronger he would have prescribed it, and once the infection starts to heal, the pain will be much less. Discussion was over. I will be ready to set my limits, when I am ready, till then, minute by minute. I know I am stalling to keep the fear at bay for me, not probably in his best interests to keep him dependant.

Getting out of the way

So Z is trying to sign up for some college courses and he found some work through a mutual friend a couple of days a week. He is attending two of the four required drug and alcohol classes (not attending outside meetings required by probation). He set up his one week of community service but never went, so now they are calling and saying he must attend this week, which of course he says he will. I have been working on not trying to give my two cents worth, boy has that been a tough one. I believe he is using but not near the extent that he once was, sometimes hard to tell with the opiates, but my gut says he is. I bought a drug test through the mail and it will be coming. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow, she has been gone for three weeks so much needed session. I know I need to make a plan with my husband and stick to it. I have been stalling on that I know because of the fear of throwing him out of the house. With me, it always seems to be black and white, no grey. So much judgment and expectations thrown on Z by me over all these years, so hard to work on my own issues but I finally am looking at it, I am an adult child of addiction/alcoholics and I am controlling and codependant. One part of me acknowledges that my son is trying, on his own level in his own way, the other part of me says it is not enough and not up to par. I feel guilty sometimes cause I just don't want him living here anymore interrupting our lives. I love him so much and I guess I am just mentally exhausted with all the death in the past year and a half (mother, sister, aunt), and my brother being bi-polar back on the meth on the streets, I am just so depressed and having a difficult self soothing and reaching out of the pit of my pity party...wonder why it is called a party, doesn't really feel like one!

The Blog Community

First I just want to say thank you to all who have joined my little blog, it is already helping me feel supported and that I am not alone in the world with the issues and sorrows of addiction. I wish I would have known about this community long ago as I have found reading others blogs and what comments they leave me provides me strength and courage, which as you all I know is so helpful and necessary when we are dealing with our addicted loved ones. So, today, I just want to say thank you and I plan on being around here a while. Hope you all have a wonderful, joyfilled day:)

Renee

Another loss

Lost my sweet aunt yesterday. In the past two years I lost my mom, sister and now my aunt who was like a second mom to me. I have grieved so much for these losses and for my son and brother who both are addicts, that I find it hard to cry anymore? Just for now I am sure, but for two years I have been a flood gate of tears, allowing myself to greive. I am so tired of greiving and the lack of luster in my own life. I am trying to claim some life and fun for myself and my husband. Made plans for this Friday to go see a comedian, maybe I can express my emotions through laughter for a change?

And they call it Tough Love for a reason!

It is so hard to define detachment with love for me. Usually when I am ready to detach with my addicted son, I am by that time pretty frustrated and angry and my feelings of love are stiffled at best. My husband believes my son went into his room and went through his nightstand drawer. I am sure it is probably my son, but my addicted brother was also at our home for a few days. We now are not allowing my son to stay at our house during the daytime. So my dilema is this: If he is trying to make any positive changes and we drop him off in town with nowhere to go, no car, no plan, how is that even tough love? Seems to me we are just setting him up for failure with that. My son was home last night and not high. He was discussing getting himself signed up for college. He wants me to help him fill out the finanacial aid papers, and all I can think is he is going to get his first check and blow it all, never a positive thought at all. He knows how I feel, but I managed to bite my tounge. If I can't figure out a way to support him with the positive stuff instead of stomping on him, I am doing more damage and it is really detachment with love. My husband is ANGRY now, he has just had it. His expectations are way too high for my son, and he is tired of the rollercoaster of him being high, not being high, doing well, not doing well, etc. He wants it over, doesn't understand it is my only son. He is the stepfather, and a great one who I don't and won't lose as my husband, but I am now in the middle and still confused as ever! I hope someone reads this and reaches out.

Mom

Same Story

So it has been a long time since I last wrote anything here. My son has been to jail for four months and out now for two months. He was clean the first month and we tried to set boundaries, goals, etc., in order for him to live with us. He did well the first couple of weeks. He is now using I am sure, no test needed. He is on Proposition 36 probation, but of course with the California budget being in the toilet, that program has severe cutbacks so don't expect much from them. I told him the other day he had to move out and he said he has nowhere to go. He denies using of course, but not even full heartedly becasue he knows that I am sure. I have been grieving so much and so long for my boy. He is 23 now and this has been going on since at least age 17 (of course the addiction has progressed over that time). His father and paternal grandmother died of opiates within one month of each other and he was living with them, found his grandmother. He is addicted to oxy, norco, vicoden, you name it. He stole methodone from my dying sister in January right before he was arrested. I prayed the day he was arrested for a divine intervention and the lord provided. I find myself praying for the same thing again. So hard to make your child leave your home. Fighting with my husband (his step-father) who has been very supportive but is at his wits end. I am so depressed, help God, help.