August 11, 2009
Not really ready yet
I had a good session with my counselor tonight. We came to the conclusion that I am at a stand still right now. Too much death, mourning and depression for me to make a decision about my limits with my son. I have made my son leave my home in the past. He was so high he couldn't walk, stay awake, be even remotely civil or respectful in any way. He usually was pretty ready to leave. I have had so much on my plate lately. I know my son is not really in "recovery". I know that he has used drugs off and on recently. I know he is only half-assing his probation. He has done some good things that I am trying to acknowledge instead of making him feel like he can't accomplish anything, which has been my general attitude in the past due to the resentment that I built up due to his addiction. He has on his own signed up for some college courses, goes to most of his probation meetings, filled out his own financial aid papers. I am trying not to say anything other than "great", etc. No negativity, biting my tounge, not mentioning that I really feel like he will more than likely not be able to handle school due to his inability to stay clean and the only reason he wants to go is for the grant money and to look good for probation. I have been open with my husband and told him that we will deal with the situation and that we will come up with some type of plan. We are going to both meet with my counselor in a couple of weeks to try and get on the same page. He is supportive and I am very lucky to have him. Thank God for my husband! My son has an infected tooth, no insurance and it needs to be pulled. I took him to the dentist, paid for his first visit and the antibiotics he must take for a week before it gets pulled. I told the girl at the desk that I would be paying for any medications and that I would not pay for any opiates, no Vicoden or anything stronger. I told them I would pay for Codeine/Tylenol or Darvocet if the doctor thought it was needed. I told my son this and I told him I would doll them out to him. He was prescribed 800 mg Ibuprofen for now, he wasn't real happy, says he is in pain. I told him if the doctor thought he needed anything stronger he would have prescribed it, and once the infection starts to heal, the pain will be much less. Discussion was over. I will be ready to set my limits, when I am ready, till then, minute by minute. I know I am stalling to keep the fear at bay for me, not probably in his best interests to keep him dependant.