So I guess we weren't promised that life would be easy or work out the way we think. Hmmm, who would have guessed that! I am not sure why I somehow continue to engage in that type of thinking, allowing myself to be set up for disappointment and self-pity? I mean, I have tools, I have support but I guess old habits die hard. I presume when I get real tired of banging my head against the wall and realize that what I have been doing isn't working, I will say enough already.
My son of course is stuck in his teens even though he is 23 years old. He has made some steps towards being somewhat more functional (taking some college courses, working here and there, paying off his fines and making some efforts at home to be a more pleasant house guest). He is still engaging in his addiction and is not truly working a program. I am stuck. I know that allowing him to stay with me in my home is probably doing him more harm than good, and me more harm also. But I still can't get away from that idea that he is much better than he was a year ago and that he wouldn't be if I didn't provide him housing. So I continue to make it about me, about my fears of his failure, death, jail, etc., therefore, holding him hostage in a way. I know I can't keep him from dying, going to jail or even a recovery program, his program, his life. I have stepped back and have cut out putting my 2 cents in when he is making his mistakes. I hope I will be strong enough one day to let go, truly let go, and to know when to do it. Today, I will pray for myself to know when it is time.
P.S. I wouldn't know what a healthy relationship with my son looked like if it bit me on the ass!!
13 comments:
It has to be so hard. You can only do what you feel is best to do. You have your program. Trust it and you will be fine. Thinking of you!
Our breaking point was finally realizing that using drugs or having drugs in our home, one we built with blood sweat tears and love was no longer going to be tolerated. This means by anyone, even our son. We realized no matter what we said, did, or feared, allowing him to use while he was living at home actually was condoning his using. That is a very hard realization to swallow. Jail and homelessness was nothing compared to the pain of allowing him to use while living with us knowing full well every fix could be his dying breath.
I could not stomach the thought of losing him but also losing him in our home. Be clear on your own values and stand to those values. Seems hard and it is hard but at 23 your son needs more than a "safe" place to use. I know this because I have a 21 year old teeneger too.
I have learned if he is using you cannot make him stop, another hard lesson is if he is using you cannot protect him either,
You said it yourself--you cannot keep any of those negative consequences from happening. But you have to believe that..ah, there is the rub!
If he is using, the crisis will come. It is only a matter of time. Usually it doesn't take too much time.
Gin, that is a powerful statement "trust my own program", thank you for that.
Dad & Mom, so glad you are back (sure you aren't), you have been missed. I understand about drawing the line, and am very close to doing just that. He wasn't using at our house, just would come home after coming down and would have dry days at home, that is until today. In the past, he was not allowed to stay with us because we didn't want to condone it. And, he may be using or high at home and I just can't tell, but doubt it, after a while you just kinda know.
Lou, you are so wise. That is the rub darn it! And I do believe the crisis is knocking on my door as I write this. I am going to try and handle this crisis better than the last.
Thank you all so much, have I said I love this support blog;)
Can I ditto that last line!
I know this sounds terrible but I am glad my son is in jail for a few weeks (possibly more) because its giving me time to regroup, rethink and rest.
Ah, I don't know what healthy is in any relationship anymore...
a few words come to mind love, compassion, trust.
This darn disease that plagues many of us gets in the way sometimes... but through it all, there is still love.
:)
Sue
Barbara, don't feel bad, mine was in jail for 4 months and I enjoyed every minute of the peace of mind and quiet from the drama. I think most of us parents of addicts would admit to that.
We can focus so much on our child, we loose focus of ourselves.
I'm with Gin, we have a program and we need to trust it.
I remember a women in alanon, she was five foot nothing, two sweet children and married to a heroin addict. I was complaining about how slow the changes were coming to me and she said that God was at work. The changes come simply, slowly, and subtly. Changes I would never be aware of until someone pointed them out to me. I just need keep working my program of recovery and change will come. Just not at the pace I hope for them.
Take care.
here's a thought. DON'T HANDLE THE NEXT CRISES!! it's not YOUR crises. it's HIS crises. let him handle it and stay out of it entirely.
let him be homeless. let him be hungry. let him be dopesick. let him be scared and dirty and hopeless.
and let him be it all by himself.
THAT's actually helping him. Letting him live with you while he is using is NOT helping him one bit.
Indistinct, thank you for reminding me that my recovery will progress at the rate it should, I so appreciate that knowledge, it kind of takes that pressured "beat yourself up" feeling away some.
Fractalmom, by handling the crisis better I was speaking of my lack of response to his crisis, because it is a crisis for me if I am stuck in my co-dependant behaviors, therefore, I meant I would try and handle my co-dependant behaviors better. I know providing housing for him is not to his benefit if he is using, but recovery is a process and I am still trying to get to that point in mine. Thank you for your comment:)
Thinking of you
I hope that you will be able to arrive at a good place where you are comfortable with letting him go.
as a mom ...not sure I can ever let go....might look like it ....or might look like it on the outside ...but none of us ever actually completely let go of our children...my 19 year old son has now been out of the house (his choice)for about 4 months ...he is 3 and 1/2 hours from me...I don't know if he is eating ..or if he is still welcome staying at his girlfriend's house ...and this is hard ...but like everyone says ...even when I fed him ..and watched over him I got calls from strangers to pick him up from their house ...high again ....people I don't even know ....and then there was the time I had to literally pick him up out in the street in front of our house where he was dumped outta a "friend's " car (passed out high) and I couldn't stop any of it from happening .....I love him ..and that's about all i can do for him right now ...
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