So I guess we weren't promised that life would be easy or work out the way we think. Hmmm, who would have guessed that! I am not sure why I somehow continue to engage in that type of thinking, allowing myself to be set up for disappointment and self-pity? I mean, I have tools, I have support but I guess old habits die hard. I presume when I get real tired of banging my head against the wall and realize that what I have been doing isn't working, I will say enough already.
My son of course is stuck in his teens even though he is 23 years old. He has made some steps towards being somewhat more functional (taking some college courses, working here and there, paying off his fines and making some efforts at home to be a more pleasant house guest). He is still engaging in his addiction and is not truly working a program. I am stuck. I know that allowing him to stay with me in my home is probably doing him more harm than good, and me more harm also. But I still can't get away from that idea that he is much better than he was a year ago and that he wouldn't be if I didn't provide him housing. So I continue to make it about me, about my fears of his failure, death, jail, etc., therefore, holding him hostage in a way. I know I can't keep him from dying, going to jail or even a recovery program, his program, his life. I have stepped back and have cut out putting my 2 cents in when he is making his mistakes. I hope I will be strong enough one day to let go, truly let go, and to know when to do it. Today, I will pray for myself to know when it is time.
P.S. I wouldn't know what a healthy relationship with my son looked like if it bit me on the ass!!