August 10, 2009

Getting out of the way

So Z is trying to sign up for some college courses and he found some work through a mutual friend a couple of days a week. He is attending two of the four required drug and alcohol classes (not attending outside meetings required by probation). He set up his one week of community service but never went, so now they are calling and saying he must attend this week, which of course he says he will. I have been working on not trying to give my two cents worth, boy has that been a tough one. I believe he is using but not near the extent that he once was, sometimes hard to tell with the opiates, but my gut says he is. I bought a drug test through the mail and it will be coming. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow, she has been gone for three weeks so much needed session. I know I need to make a plan with my husband and stick to it. I have been stalling on that I know because of the fear of throwing him out of the house. With me, it always seems to be black and white, no grey. So much judgment and expectations thrown on Z by me over all these years, so hard to work on my own issues but I finally am looking at it, I am an adult child of addiction/alcoholics and I am controlling and codependant. One part of me acknowledges that my son is trying, on his own level in his own way, the other part of me says it is not enough and not up to par. I feel guilty sometimes cause I just don't want him living here anymore interrupting our lives. I love him so much and I guess I am just mentally exhausted with all the death in the past year and a half (mother, sister, aunt), and my brother being bi-polar back on the meth on the streets, I am just so depressed and having a difficult self soothing and reaching out of the pit of my pity party...wonder why it is called a party, doesn't really feel like one!


indistinct said...

Good post.

Made me think about the first time someone told me I was powerless over my child's addictions. I flipped over to anger and denial and persisted in trying to force change in my child's life. For my partner and I, it was a painful journey to that first step.

It has become a most rewarding journey in spite of the pain this journey goes through.

Best part is that I am no longer alone. There are many hands that reach out to us. I just have to take one.

Take care.

Lou said...

I just noticed that you write "happily married" in your profile. You can be grateful you have a shoulder to lean on in all this..I don't know how people do it by themselves. My husband and I have never had to get physical with our son, but there have been times when I'm not so sure if my husband and his muscle had not been there.

IMHO--don't use that thinking "he is not using as much." He is using in your home,he is breaking the rules, he now knows he can break the rules and continue to live there.
The addict will keep pushing and pushing, till you have compromised yourself financially and morally.

God Bless, and hope you have a peaceful day.

Brother Frankie said...

as an addict,

using just a little is using.

walgreens has drug tests that are awesome for under 30 bucks, i test all my kids, even tho they do not have drug addictions. if they know they will be tested they might say no.

im praying for you..

you are loved
Brother frankie
A Biker For Christ

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

WOW! Do you think you've had enough to deal with in the last year! I'll come to your pity party! I related to so much of what you said. My son is doing SOME of his obligations but he is up to something....maybe not using, possibly selling? The feeling you have of wanting him out of the house is completely understandable. I feel the same way. I love him but wish I didn't have to deal with the emotional and mental stress.

Hang in there, Lady. You are doing better than you think you are! Have a great session with your therapist.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Wow, thank you all so much for your comments, I am finding that the support from these blogs is one of the most helpful things I have found in the over five years I have been dealing with Z's addiction issues. Thanks, I will keep writing and commenting. God Bless Us All!!