August 10, 2009
Getting out of the way
So Z is trying to sign up for some college courses and he found some work through a mutual friend a couple of days a week. He is attending two of the four required drug and alcohol classes (not attending outside meetings required by probation). He set up his one week of community service but never went, so now they are calling and saying he must attend this week, which of course he says he will. I have been working on not trying to give my two cents worth, boy has that been a tough one. I believe he is using but not near the extent that he once was, sometimes hard to tell with the opiates, but my gut says he is. I bought a drug test through the mail and it will be coming. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow, she has been gone for three weeks so much needed session. I know I need to make a plan with my husband and stick to it. I have been stalling on that I know because of the fear of throwing him out of the house. With me, it always seems to be black and white, no grey. So much judgment and expectations thrown on Z by me over all these years, so hard to work on my own issues but I finally am looking at it, I am an adult child of addiction/alcoholics and I am controlling and codependant. One part of me acknowledges that my son is trying, on his own level in his own way, the other part of me says it is not enough and not up to par. I feel guilty sometimes cause I just don't want him living here anymore interrupting our lives. I love him so much and I guess I am just mentally exhausted with all the death in the past year and a half (mother, sister, aunt), and my brother being bi-polar back on the meth on the streets, I am just so depressed and having a difficult self soothing and reaching out of the pit of my pity party...wonder why it is called a party, doesn't really feel like one!