August 17, 2009

Drain on the Brain

I feel numb....just can't make a decision and am just sitting with things. My son came home last night like nothing was wrong of course. I didn't jump down his throat but was not completely pleasant with him either. My brother came out to our house Saturday afternoon, hadn't eaten and no where to really stay. My brother is a dual diagnosis and has been in and out of prison basically for testing dirty on parole. He self medicates. My mother, God rest her sould, enabled him and he has never had to take care of himself. He stayed a couple of weeks with us and we helped him get started back on his Social Security funds for six months until they complete the evaluation steps. He received it for some years and had a payee, but they sent him two checks back to back at the end of July with his name only. He left our house, spent the checks on drugs and whatever. He is a kind soul but very lost. He came out and stayed a couple of nights and we did not discuss him going into town (we live a bit out from our town). My husband woke up today, angry that both my son and brother were there (didn't show this earlier, just Monday morning of course). He said they would not be staying in the house while we were away and that my brother had his weekend and he wasn't playing this game with him anymore. Now mind you, my brother worked his ass off at our house for his keep and is always polite and helpful, stays out of the way, unlike my son. I did not have time to talk to my brother this morning and he was confused about leaving the house as we had previously let him stay. Now I understand the whole frustration of this situation for my husband, but the way he handled it to me was just wrong. I think things should be discussed openly and my brother and myself given a heads up last night at least about what was happening today. I told my husband he is not to treat him so angrily as it just confuses him and causes resentment for everyone, including him. I told him we need to discuss things, not just do it his way at his whim without any communication. I know I am probably enabling my brother but I have lost so many family members in the past year and a half, I just like to spend time with him when he is able to be clear headed. UGH!!!!!!! I hate addiction and people who do not try to understand it, like my husband.


Barbara(aka Layla) said...

So sorry you have to go through this. As I sat here reading I was reminded again how much an addicted causes EVERYONE around them to suffer. Its like an infectious disease, you have to be very careful not to allow it to get a hold of you and make you sick. Its almost impossible not to unless you completely separate yourself from the addict....and for a mother I don't see how that's possible even if you kick the kid out and never see them, our hearts are still attached. UGH! It makes me so mad.
Your'e not alone.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I agree, it is a bit easier for me to seperate from my brother (I know this blog might contradict that, ha), but my son is another story entirely. It just feels so wrong, so against the maternal instincts.

Brother Frankie said...

i feel for ya, and am praying for you. i do kinda understand where your hubby is coming from.

i have been there. he is feeling that he is no longer in control,
just like you.

He is feeling disrespected. he is feeling like he can no longer be the protector of his family and has failed them.

what can you do? reinforce your love for him, tell him you respect him an appreciate him and his role a "protector, provider, lover"..

im sorry if i am out of bounds. if it was your husband blogging i would give him things to help you..

you are loved unconditionally,
brother frankie
a biker for Christ

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Oh Frankie, I needed these words so much today. We had a blow out last night, I have spoken with him today and will take your advice and make sure he knows I appreciate him and know he is the protector of the family. Thank you for your insight, much needed.

Lou said...

My feelings are that you have your son to deal with. You really are not your brother's keeper also. It sounds like your brother has had many years to straighten out his problems..(get on the right meds, work when he can) but he has not done anything to help himself.

It is your family, I would never judge. But if I was your husband it would all be too much. Everyone is stressed when addiction is around; I have freaked out myself on occasion.

Brother Frankie said...

think of it as a circle or merry go round of insanity.... someone has to step out of the circle, stop, think, make right choices regardless of what the others are doing.

pray on it, then enter back in with some sanity....

if it does not work, get out or off that circle, rest, pray some more then go back in...

someone needs to stay doing what is right. if you keep reinforcing those things to hubby, he will once again get a bounce in his step, stand tall, and find peace. Then together you can deal with the other stuff.

he will be in better shape to be your support and stronghold when you need him.

sorry im rambling..

be blessed

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Wow, it is amazing how much insight one can gain through this blogging community, just touches my soul, really. Thank you all for being there....Renee