August 18, 2009

Numb


I am so numb. I must be internalizing all my fear, anger and grief. Just as I have stopped acting out my anger, my husband has started acting out his. Funny how behaviors you try to break can be mirrored right back at you. Big raucous last night. Told my homeless brother he couldn't stay with me, even though I wanted him too. Had a huge blow-out with the hubby, acting my anger out on him, yep I relapsed. Went and looked for the brother, found him laying on our mom's grave using the plastic flowers as a pillow, so sad...he is bi-polar and uses meth to self medicate. He has NEVER lived on his own, my mom died while he was prison on violation for drug use. I called the hubby and took my brother home for the night, but packed him a little bag of goodies and dropped him off on the street this morning. I am so conflicted. I know I can't save or fix my brother or son, just wish it didn't hurt so much and hurt so many people. I know I need to do some self soothing and re-engage in life with my hubby, just forgot how. This too shall pass.....??

7 comments:

sydney said...

Maybe go to counseling with hubby? It might help to have a non-biased third party there to help mediate your issues and come up with a solution you both feel ok about.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Thanks Sydney, we are set to do that in two weeks, may have to try and bump up the date at this rate:)

Madison said...

My heart goes out to you. I don't think that this is harsh, but you can be the judge. This craziness will stop the day you say it stops. It sounds like your husband will jump on that track. So, now, it's just a matter of how long you will allow addiction to reign. Oh my goodness, I sound exactly like the first counselor we ever went to. I hated that woman. She was so right. She just didn't give the advice in a sweet enough tone for me to hear. I thought she didn't understand the danger that everyone would be in if I didn't help them.

Lou said...

Self medicating? I'm sorry, but where I live we call it addiction.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Lou, I know it is addiction but in the land of dual diagnosis, they also call it "self medicating".

Madison, not too harsh, actually thank you, it makes sense just hard to DO. I like the saying that your counselor gave you and will be putting that on my bathroom mirror tonight.

Her Big Sad said...

Praying your counselling is helpful. I'm so glad he is willing to go. Also, praying that you find a bit of peace in the midst of all this. It's so hard to accept that we can't fix it. And harder still to take a stand that provides for your own serenity in your home and marriage. It's a daily fight to remember that as Madison says, we can decide the craziness in our own home must stop. I'm not making a heck of a lot of sense, but please know I'm thinking of you and praying.

indistinct said...

My, you live in challenging circumstances. Your pain rings loud and clear. Glad you have a counseling appointment set up.

My partner and I went through many difficult times, our addicted child being the source of conflict.

Counseling was very helpful for us. Me learning to let go and quit trying to find a better solution to my child's problem also eased the conflict.

The changes in our lives came slowly, simply, and subtly. The circumstances might not improve but how we live in those circumstances can if we are willing to do the work.