August 4, 2009

And they call it Tough Love for a reason!

It is so hard to define detachment with love for me. Usually when I am ready to detach with my addicted son, I am by that time pretty frustrated and angry and my feelings of love are stiffled at best. My husband believes my son went into his room and went through his nightstand drawer. I am sure it is probably my son, but my addicted brother was also at our home for a few days. We now are not allowing my son to stay at our house during the daytime. So my dilema is this: If he is trying to make any positive changes and we drop him off in town with nowhere to go, no car, no plan, how is that even tough love? Seems to me we are just setting him up for failure with that. My son was home last night and not high. He was discussing getting himself signed up for college. He wants me to help him fill out the finanacial aid papers, and all I can think is he is going to get his first check and blow it all, never a positive thought at all. He knows how I feel, but I managed to bite my tounge. If I can't figure out a way to support him with the positive stuff instead of stomping on him, I am doing more damage and it is really detachment with love. My husband is ANGRY now, he has just had it. His expectations are way too high for my son, and he is tired of the rollercoaster of him being high, not being high, doing well, not doing well, etc. He wants it over, doesn't understand it is my only son. He is the stepfather, and a great one who I don't and won't lose as my husband, but I am now in the middle and still confused as ever! I hope someone reads this and reaches out.



Dad & Mom said...

It is time to sit calmly and develop a plan for yourself. if that plan involves telling your son he cannot live with you so be it but you are not doing it in anger and your husand is not doing it anger either. Almost make it like landlord/tenant. Set a timetable. You can help him find a place but he still must go. It must be that drugs and using are not allowed in your home. We found if drugs are in our house it no longer is a home, it is just another drug house.

Be strong, I have linked your site to mine. Hopefully ohters have support and suggestions.

Dad & Mom

sydney_savage said...

Be well, I am praying for you.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Thank you both so much. I am new at this blog thing, but plan to keep it up because I am finding the support I have already received to be much help and I fully appreciate it.

CJ said...

Is there an alanon-type program for the families of drug addict? If you have not already joined, I highly recommend it. Prayer is fine, but you must help yourself. These groups help you to stop enabling and get on with your own life.

I have not had experience with drug addiction problems, but my first husband was bi-polar and refused to get help. I went to alanon, even though it was not an alcohol problem and it helped me see how I was enabling him. Finally, I decided if he was not going to help himself, I was going to help myself ---by leaving him. Three years later he started going to therapy on his own, but by then, I had moved on. I haven't heard from him in over 25 years, but I am mildly curious how he is doing now.