Sick

So I am supposed to be getting ready to leave after work tomorrow night to our house on the coast. I started feeling a bit sickly today, maybe a head cold. I have managed to ward off the illnesses running rampant in our office and around town, that is it appears until one day before I leave for a short vacation...imagine that!

I have to admit I am pretty nervous for my son. I am pretty sure he received that money from the school ($2,007) and is using it for a major binge. It concerns me as his usage has been down from what it once was as he is on probation, but he appears to not be caring about that at this point and I am concerned he will OD. That all being said, nothing I can do but pray to God to intervene and to bring a mentor into my son's life. So sad, having to deal with the drug and not being able to even see my son through that mask of chemicals. Brother is still MIA and we are scheduled to leave tomorrow. I am determined to feel better so been eating chicken soup, got a massage today and drinking juice, now off to bed. I pray I feel well tomorrow and get on the road to a bit of peace with my hubby.

Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer....night all.

All you need is Love

Tonight has been a bit random as I suppose my thoughts will be now. I came home from work and my brother is MIA. This usually makes me nervous about what state he will show up in as we are still trying to work with him to get his social security and a payee. He has been doing very well, but him disapearing usually is not a good sign. It rolled of my back tonight and I was a bit relieved to be home alone for a bit of time. My husband came home, we had dinner and were watching a little TV. My son came in to grab a few things, he seemed loaded. He mumbled a few words and left. My husband mentioned that he had heard from a friend that my son was arrested for drunk in public or something like that on Christmas night. I called him right after he left to inquire (probably shouldn't have). He wanted to know who told him, he was in a pissy mood and denied it but in such a way that I know he is lying of course. This rolled off my back!

I am a bit sad but mostly not too affected by all this which is a sign of progress. It is their journey, their lives to learn their lessons, I stayed out of the way tonight. We watched Intervention tonight on A&E (I never usually watch this, kind of upsetting). Anyways, it was a very sad show and it made me kind of sick to see how devastated the mother was and the fact that I could relate so well. It also made me kind of sick to see all the expensive rehab commercials during this show, come on people, let's not be so obvious with our capitalizaiton of saving the addicts for a pretty penny! Don't get me wrong, I am all for rehab, but am kind of tired of the comercialization of it all (I know I will probably take a little heat on this one).

At the end of the night we ended up watching a documentary on the making of the Beatles "Love" show in Vegas. It was just such a fantastic documentary to watch and if you have never seen the Love show in Vegas, it is SUPER and makes you kind of believe that all we need is love:)

We are leaving for our little place on the redwood coast this Wednesday night through Monday night. I am a bit apprehensive as I always am when leaving town with two active addicts in the family. We have secured a house sitter and are leaving regardless and I am determined to rest, read, laugh and just relax with my husband.

A happy holiday

We had a lovely holiday. We woke up late and made breakfast. My husband, brother and I ate a nice quiet breakfast and then my son and step-son showed up, along with my father-in-law, my neice and her little guy (almost two). We had wrapping flying every where and laughter. We had a lovely prime rib dinner and my son even helped wihtout me even asking! Towards the end of the day, we were watching a Christmas movie and I saw my son nodding a bit. I just prayed and gave it to God. Overall, the day was beautiful and I enjoyed my family. I was so happy to read about all my blogger friends' lovely holidays also. Now, just have to start clearing away the mess:)

Trying to live in the moment!

Well, my son Zach came back to our house one day after he left. He said it didn't work out, the girl he was going to rent a room from was "crazy", blah, blah, blah. This was yesterday and I told him on the phone I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come to the house and stay that night so he didn't. He came home last night, and I had made a decision prior to him arriving that I am going to wait until the holiday is over to have a meeting with him. I am going to try to just stay present and enjoy the holidays the best I can with my hubby and step-son, brother and father-in-law. I deserve it and so do they.

My son will be receiving money from the school check soon, if not today. I don't know what he will do with it. I just feel the time has come that I need to tell him he can not stay with me unless he seeks treatment. He won't seek treatment as we have discussed it recently and, surprise, he doesn't think he needs it or has a problem. He is worse off now with his denial than he was a year ago. I love him so very much, but I know deep in my heart that what I have been doing by providing him shelter is not helping him or me. I hope and pray I can find the strength to do what is needed and not do it in anger.

The holidays creep up on us. Even when I am living in the moment there is that added stress and presure during the holidays that just always seems to get to people, everyone around me. One day, I will just head to our little cabin in the mountains for X-mas and have a nice little time with my hubby, decorate a tree outside the cabin with popcorn and berries, have a nice fire and drink hot chocolate, play card games.....nice escape for a minute, sorry for the ramble:)

I know a lot of you are missing your children, just like me. Mine is here physically but really not Zach, such a shame. I know many of your kids are in rehab (thank God), others have just bolted and are doing their thing, some in jail (thank God). I have to believe that there is a reason that our kids are where they are this holiday season and in the place they are, it is a part of their journey in life to be doing what they are doing. I pray that this next year will bring our kids restored health and recovery, and to all us parents the exact same.

God Bless you guys and have a joyfilled holiday.

Renee

P.S. after I wrote this I received a call from my counselor, she is back from medical leave and ready to start seeing clients! I can't express how much I have missed her and her loving soul, she has been so helpful to me in the past three years. Merry Christmas to me, my counselor is well...hahahahahaha!

Great List from Syd!

Below is a list that Syd posted on his blog today. I loved it so and wanted to share it with anyone that might read my blog. Also, I will be posting an update later tonight I hope, more stuff with the little prince (Zach). Here is the list:

These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:

1. Give up any expectations about the outcome
2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.
3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.
4. Enforce boundaries consistently.
5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship

And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :
Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.
Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over.
Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.
Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.

I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.

Thanks Syd for your wisdom!

Check Saga update

Well, for those of you that read my post here, and here, you know I shredded the grant check for my son that I shouldn't have opened in the first place. He has contacted the financial aid office and they are reissuing another check (even though he dropped out of school). So he has decided that a recent friend needs a roomate and he packed up some of his stuff last night. He hasn't received the money yet ($2,007) but will shortly. I guess he thinks that will be enough to live on forever? He kind of joked that it was a one week trial because he knows that if he leaves the house for good, it is gonna be real hard if not impossible for him to come back. We kind of made light of it, but he is aware that I will more than likely not allow him back into the house. He had plans to pay off some fines and get his license back, time will tell what he does, not my business. He did offer to give me some money but he wasn't completely excited about that idea and I don't really need it, I would rather not have anything to do with that money after doing what I did with the check in the first place. I am tired from the holiday festivities going on and trying to work and take care of the house stuff. I am about ready for X-mas, only a few more things to wrap. Didn't get my cards done or baking this year, may try to bake this week, but doubt it.

I am still sad that my son hasn't even come close to hitting his bottom and realize that much of that has to do with my actions of making things a bit to easy for him. It is so hard to turn your back on your kid when they are suffering so much, but I know it is the most loving thing to do for him. I have lately been watching my expectations unfold in my head and reminding myself that it not a healthy thing for me to be doing. He is an addict and addiction is so very powerful. He is an opiate addict which I believe to be the devil working at his hardest. My son may never seek help, may never get well, or he may. I can't wait to be happy in my life or wait to live my life until the ultimate outcome is known because that may never come. People get well and relapse after years, this is a one day at a time thing for him and for me. So today people, it is a good day and I hope it is a good day for all of you.

Renee

Holiday Madness-FRIDAY FLASH 55

She scurried across the parking lot of the mall, checking her list of gifts she still needed to purchase. Items purchased now the packages would need to be wrapped, the cards sent, the yummies baked for the neighbors and friends, the food for the dinner bought and cooked. She forgot the meaning of Christmas though!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

You are Invited to a Pity Party!

I am so upset that this will probably be more of a rambling pity party post than anything constructive, so beware.

I came home, after a really hard day at work. We had our work Christmas party and one of my co-workers is off this week and I have to cover her desk, and then helped set up the party for the staff. I get home and my husband decides to let go of some crap he has been building up because he doesn't communicate his feelings usually, so it builds up. He looks at me when I get home and starts telling me all the things my son didn't do while at home today. I kind of just lost it on both of them. I had to leave I was so upset. I cried my eyes out in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I finally went into the kitchen to eat something and the fridge is bare of the necessities. We haven't had time to even go to the store, well actually some people have had the time but whatever.

My son and I went round and round tonight, the good, the bad, the ugly. It was all over the place. He finally left but I am pretty sure he is up to no good and possibly dealing? Oh, he called about the financial aid check and is going up to get another one, so there is that, which I am staying the hell out of!

My brother left the other night and now he is completely on the crazy train. I don't understand bi-polar but he must have used meth the other day because he is just acting so fricking nuts I can't stand to be in the same area as him. I almost took him to town tonight but it is freezing and it was almost 11 pm, so decided to just talk to him about it and go to bed. Lord only knows what he will do in the middle of the night around here being in the frame of mind he is in tonight..wow is all I can say. I am sad, so sad about it all. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And, I am so very angry. Is that part of recovery at all, getting to the point where you are so angry you can't keep from spilling out your thoughts and feelings at the drop of a hat? I mean, is it like the first part, maybe a transition into the recovery part? I know, probably stupid questions, but I actually think I am losing it around all these people tonight.

Then, I come in to go to bed, and I decided to count the money in my wallet. I do this now just to be safe, but I usually don't leave my purse just laying around. Anyways, I have never, ever missed money out of my purse, ever...until tonight. I counted the money the other night and it was all there, tonight missing $20.o0. My son states he didn't do it and brother the same. I advised them I didn't know who did it, but I feel violated and it better never happen again, ever! I am so upset tonight. My son said he is moving out with all that damn grant money that will last him a minute. My brother is too crazy to figure out how to move out and we are still working on getting his SS and a payee in line. I miss my mom and my sister so much. My house is full of men and I simply can not relate to them right now.

Sorry everyone, I really did try to take care of myself tonight, but shit just kept getting in my way. Hmmm, I wonder if that is what it feels like for the addict when I get in their way?? Too angry to really care about that one tonight. If you have read this far, thanks for hearing me out and joining in briefly to my wonderful pity party.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

Yesterday I decided to juice all of the lemons off of our little lemon tree. We had a bumper crop this year, I just didn't realize how many lemons we had. The picture above is only a very small portion of the lemons we had. We peeled them before juicing this year as the juice is less bitter. I froze over a dozen ice cube trays and probably a dozen gallon baggies of juice! I am going to make some homemade lemon tarts and pies for the neighbors for X-mas. I also am planning on making some strawberry lemonade this summer. We also made about three gallons of lemonade yesterday, some of which I gave away to my niece. My husband and brother helped me out with the lemons and we laughed as my husband said I would be bathing in lemon juice before it was over with!

Without going into a lot of detail, tonight I came home and my brother was gone, hanging with some friend and I am assuming the worst. My son called and I asked him if he could stay somewhere tonight so that my husband and I could have a night alone, which he obliged. Several years ago, I would have gone looking for my brother or been very upset wondering what was going to happen next, was he going to be walking the cold streets talking to traffic, using meth to quiet the voices? Now, I just stepped back and realized it is not up to me what happens next and it doesn't matter right now, the only thing that mattered was I needed a nice hot shower and my husband's company. So I guess when life hands you lemons, we can just make lemonade:)

I left Limbo Land

Thanks to all of you who have commented the past few days during my little co-dependent break down. I should NEVER have opened the check and should have just put return to sender, no forward given. I did not do that. I opened it, then stressed over what to do with it. It wasn't mine, I feel ashamed that I sunk back into my old behaviors. But, I made a decision today and right or wrong, stuck to it. I shredded the check. If another one comes, I will mark not at this address and send it back. My son is not truly living here. He comes and goes because he can't be in my home when he is actively high. I am not sure how to have a loving relationship with him when he is actively using, but I can't cut him compltely out of my life. So the reason for his coming and going. My boundaries over time seem to get more stern and held with conviction so I have faith that my path will go where it is supposed to as will his. Too bad it just isn't in my time or how I want it to be.

I know I may take heat for shredding the check but I just couldn't stand the thought of him spending school grant money to go on a major drug binge that could lead to his demise. I did what I did, it is done, I need to move forward now. A special thanks to Fractalmom for sticking with me on this and being a voice of experience, it helped me get out of Limbo Land, and yes, Limbo Land sucks!

Renee

Update

I still have the check. He came home for a minute last night to grab some of his things. He was high as a kite. I again expressed to him that I can not see him in that state. He never mentioned the check and neither did I. He left pretty quickly and I think he will be gone at minimum the full weekend. Something has gotta give. I have so much to do this weekend for the holidays. I must find time to read my 12 step books and other healing material. Part of me just wants to shred the damn check and pretend it never came.

I want to thank you all for your comments. I feel the strength of you pouring off my computer screen. Some of you have so many years of experience with this. I often get upset with our boys because we tell them something so they don't have to learn the hard way. And here I am, at times still resisting following examples of those that have been there and done it long before me.

I hope you all have a super fantastic weekend!

FRIDAY FLASH 55-HAPPY BIRTHDAY G-MAN!!

He is always there in cyberspace making you smile at your computer screen. He has a way of making you get out of your head and be artistic, with a challenge to do so each week in 55 words, nor more, no less. Happy Birthday G-Man, thanks for the inspiration and hope you feel better!



Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

I know already...but?

My son signed up for a junior college for his first time this fall semester. He also signed up for financial aid and attended school until about three weeks ago. When he came back home last Thursday, one of our discussions was his financial aid. He had received a notice in the mail indicating he was awarded financial aid and that after checking records they would send the check. I told him they may not after checking to see if he dropped, and that even if they did it would be wrong for him to cash it. We had a bit of a disagreement over this and then I let it drop.

Well, the check showed up in the mail today ($2,007). I was caught a bit off guard as I thought for sure the school would have checked his records and see he was not in compliance. He called tonight and said that if the check showed up to please tell him, and not hide it from him and send it back. He stated he wants to pay off all of his fines, get his driver's license back with the money. This is a grant, not loan money. I advised him on Thursday that I did not feel it was right that he only attend for about 1/2 semester and then take money that would basically either have to be paid back, or at minimum if he wanted to attend college again with aid he would be put on probation.

So, I already know the answer, and I am pretty sure I know that any comments to this post will match that answer. I guess i just need to see it in writing from other people. I feel like if I do give him the check (because it is HIS), then I want to tell him that he either puts the money to good use or he leaves. So that is probably bargaining, right? That is enough money for one heck of an overdose and it is also the principle of it that really bugs me. I didn't raise my child to take advantage of the system trying to assist him, of course I didn't think I raised him to be addicted to opiates either.

I feel like I have to tell him tomorrow the check is here but not sure what to do after that. I hate this, HATE it. My codependent self is rearing her ugly little head. I am so afraid of what he will do with that much money. I know I need to look that fear in the eye and move forward, I guess I am just wanting you all to tell me that or something.

Learning Unconditional Love

I have had a hard couple of days. As noted in an earlier post, my son came back into our home on Thursday night. I advised him that he needed to have employment within three weeks and if he didn't, we would re-evaluate to see how much effort he had put into the job hunt and go from there. We have yet had the time to sit down all together (my husband, son and I) to discuss other boundaries. He is pretty aware of our rules and regulations, but a few things have changed. I did tell him that once he found a job, he would need to give us at minimum 40 percent of what he earns to put towards his fines so he can get off probation possibly earlier. I told him that in six months we would re-assess the living situation to see how things were going and that we still needed to sit down and discuss a few more things. That all went well...UNTIL about 20 minutes after that conversation of course.

He was watching some TV in his room when all of the sudden he comes into the kitchen and advises me that he might come home later with a black eye, out of no where mind you, while I am humming away doing the dishes. Anyways I bit just a little and asked him what he was talking about, and he mumbled something about a friend of his .....blah, blah, blah....I tuned out. He then went into his room and started riffling around in his drawers, agitated and all jacked up. I know this because our house is too small and not so sound proof. So instead of just heading off to the shower so as not to spill the blood from biting my tongue off, I proceeded to yell at him to stop slamming and shoving in the room. He started making kind of fun at me, bad move. I went off and basically told him I was sick of the drama, sick of the opiate use, sick of all that went with it. I grabbed his hamper full of clothes and a backpack and took it to the front porch. I advised him he need not bother to stay there as it obviously had never helped him in the past and it wasn't helping me or my husband by having him there. After a bit of an argument that I am sure you can all play out in your heads, I got real quiet. Too bad it took me 10 minutes of acting out my fear to do it, but better late than never I suppose. He came into the living room and apologized for being such an ass. He left shortly thereafter, I never asked him about what the looming "fight" was over. Didn't hear anymore from him last night.

This afternoon he stopped by with some new girl and advised me that he did not get into a fight. I didn't really respond and tried to be polite to the young lady he brought into our home at no notice. He showed her the house and was being very friendly, BUT he was obviously high, to me and my husband. I did not make a scene, he grabbed a few things and was in the living room trying to make small talk. I at one point had finally had enough and told him in a low tone that he was not to be in my house in that shape. He tried to change the subject for a minute and then he and the girl left, on nice terms. Not gonna see him tonight either.

I am sad tonight. I hate seeing him high. It is one thing to know he is probably out there getting high, but I can tune that out and let it go much easier than having to see him and deal with him when he is high. It is just so damn devastating.

Anyways, I got on with my day, shopped, watched a movie, ate a healthy dinner. My husband and I had a lovely time Friday night on our date, had a most excellent dinner, did a little shopping and then tried our luck at the little Indian Casino in the town nearby. I actually won and we walked out a bit over "even".

I read a couple of paragraphs out of a book I have and want to share them below. The book is great, but not for everyone. I take what speaks to me out of this particular book and leave the rest. If anyone is interested in the title let me know.

"Unconditional love means keeping your heart open at all times. To do so, you may need to let go of the expectations you have of other people, of wanting them to be anything other than what they are. It means letting go of any need for people to give you things, act in certain ways, or respond with love. Many wait for others to be warm and loving before they are."

"When you experience uncomfortable barriers or boundaries between yourself and others, it is a sign that you need to transmit more love to others and to yourself. You may not choose to live with them, be close to them or around them all the time, but they will still benefit from your broadcast of love. Some people try to put on a brave or strong front, acting in ways that say 'I will not be vulnerable or hurt'. Yet, that very act creates fear and pain, attracting even more negative action from people that then requires an even braver exterior."

I apologize for the length of the post. These two paragraphs are just the pages I turned to and they spoke to me tonight. I hope you all have a joy-filled week!

Renee

Mighty Ducks--FLASH FRIDAY 55

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

The sea of green and yellow shouting out encouragement, excitement and hope. Dreams sought, some lost but for some the dream came true. The fierce battle to cross the line, get to the winning side where the music bellowed from the band. How often do you see a duck beat a beaver for a rose?

My girlfriend is a HUGE Oregon Ducks fan and she doesn't have cable, doesn't watch a lot of TV. She brought soup to us tonight so that she could use our TV to watch the Civil War between Oregon University (Mighty Ducks) and Oregon State (Beavers). It was a great game and a lot of fun...and the ducks beat the beavers for the rose...rose bowl that is!!

When it Rains....

it poors! My son contacted my husband today to advise him that he needs to come back home for a time as there are now issues with the friends he was living with. No surprise really but sure didn't want to have to try and figure out my boundaries and what to do right yet (do we ever want to?)

So now I am not feeling so strong again, the rollercoast of a day from being the mom of an addict and sister to dual diagnosis brother. I need to sit down with my husband and figure out what our boundaries are. I really dont' want either one of them living there, but so far have been unable to take the boundarie that far (at least on a permanent basis). I have put them both out on the street before, so it is not that, it is just so hard to do, especially a 2fer! I am taking my husband out tomorrow, it is our 16th anniversary of our first date, chinese food and we saw Mrs. Doubtfire in the theater, dating myself:) I am gonna try hard, please pray for us and for me to find the resolution that is best for me and my husband.

I so appreciate all your support. I haven't been posting lately much, now it seems like I can't stop!!

Rebounding

I am feeling stronger today after my post from yesterday. I went with my son to the gym last night and we worked out together, it was so nice to get in some exercise, and with my son just made it all the sweeter.

I brought my brother home last night, made sure he took his medicine and fed him. I explained the best I could to him that I would need to make sure he takes his bi-polar meds to stay with us until his SS and payee comes through. He was a bit spacey but agreed. We will see.

I feel strong today. Like I can make decisions and boundaries within what feels comfortable to me and my family. Some of my decisions may still be co-dependent behavior or bordering on such, but I still feel strength in setting limits on what makes me comfortable. It just seems as time goes by and with practice, the limit setting, boundaries and detachment all become easier each time. I know I won't always have days where I feel strong, but today, I do. Thanks Syd for your comment on my previous post, it really sunk in with me. To everyone else who left comments, I thank you for the support in a very weak moment for me. Have a joyfilled day everyone!