Birthday Celebration

Yesterday was my son's 24th birthday. I took him shopping last Wednesday for clothing and we had a fabulous time together. He has been staying with some friends of his that are being supportive with limits. We took him to dinner last night and just had such a good time, he was so present, no nodding off or being irritable, just laughing, eating and enjoying ourselves. All involved commented how wonderful a time they had and how good it was to see him in this light. I savored the moment and will cherish the memory.

O.K., now for the otherside of the coin...I am in deep co-dependent illness mode and fighting hard to battle it off. My mind is racing about a bit and I am sad. It is my brother this time...I know, his life, not my business. Here is the latest:

My husband and I have allowed my dual diagnosed brother to live with us since 10/15/09. From that date up to this past Monday, he has been taking his meds, no drugs, gone to the dentist, psychiatrist, checked in with his parole officer on a regular basis, helped us with anything we ask, etc. Now mind you, this is a person who has never been able to make it off of parole due to doing meth to medicate his bi-polar situation. Now I know he is also addicted, but his psychiatrist explained to me they often consider a form of self-medicating as the meth mellows those with bi-ploar mania believe it or not.

Anyways, he is working on getting his social security back and we have allowed him to stay with us and are working with him to get his money and a payee situated. This past Monday he seemed odd. He has been taking massive amounts of antibotics for a tooth and boil infection. So we thought maybe he was just feeling really ill. But last night when I went home from work to get ready for my son's dinner, he was just being VERY ODD! So I kind of got pissy (shouldn't have done that but oh well). He went outside and I just figured maybe he hadn't been taking his bi-polar meds? We went to leave and he was gone. We went to dinner, had a great time, came home and I did my nightly routine. I finally went to be but have to admit I was in the worry mode. He stopped by my husband's work today and he brought him home, he is still not right. I am stepping back for right now, don't want to REACT, just give myself a bit of time and see what he does. I am planning on telling him that I need to see him take his meds each night for him to stay with us, not sure if that is the right thing to do? He was living under the bridge in our town and I would bring him food, it just killed me to do that. Now I am rambling, see what I mean about those racing thoughts! At least my relationship with my son is better right now. We are going to the gym together after work to get in some exercise and I have a massage tonight too, so I am taking care of myself, just need to take care of my mind!

Oh the Angst of it all!

I sometimes have trouble putting my thoughts in writing. Maybe it is because I have become somewhat disconnected with myself? I decided to write this even if it doesn't come off eloquently and hopeful it will make some sense.

I am so angry, at first I thought "at" my son, but now I just think it is pure stress. I thought maybe it originated from fear, all the anger that I act out towards my boy, but now I think I am just fed up with it all. Maybe I should get out of my head and quit trying to figure out why I am so short and mean to him and get out of my own head for a bit? I don't want to become bitter, but afraid it is happening. The way I relate to my son is not healthy for me or him. I can't seem to bite my tongue enough (I wouldn't have a tongue)! I love my son so much and I see the desperation in him, but I am finding myself being angered by his desperation? I am just so sick of dealing with it, looking at it, being around it, his addiction. I feel like such a shit of a mother right now but I am exhausted from the battle, his battle, not mine. I fight it much more than he has and I know that isn't going to get him well. He was gone for over a month living with friends, etc. My brother has been staying with us, doing very well and we are trynig to assist him in getting his finances straight so he can get a payee and find a place to live. My brother is clean and helpful, is cooperative and taking his medications. He is a pleasure to be around. My son on the other hand still acts entitled, spoiled and disrespectful most times. There are times when he is very much a part of the family but it is few and far between. He now is struggling to find housing and I allowed him to sleep on our couch for a few nights. He says he has nowhere to go but he stayed at a friend's house last night.

I guess the true problem is my idea of abandonment. I felt abandoned emotionally by both parents and physically by another. I feel like I am abandoning my son, even though he will be 24 in a week. I know, I know, I know, but I guess I still haven't done my own work yet. I just bought two 12 step books on co-dependency from Amazon so I should have those soon, as long as I read them and not let them collect dust. I miss my counselor, she will not be practicing until January and the alternate counselor I didn't connect with at all. I need to go to some meetings out of town, which also makes me angry. Kind of dumb because it would be doing something for me, but also a pain to have to drive 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week at night after work so I can get better, meanwhile he sits and does what he does.

Sorry everyone, this has been building for awhile and bottom line is I am becoming an angry bitter person, espceially with my own son.

On a lighter note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families. I am grateful for the following:

1. My loving supportive husband
2. My brother being clean, sober and working towards a better future
3. My son being alive
4. My blogger support
5. My Christmas decor is up and really pretty
6. Shopping online for Christmas
7. Electricity and food, housing and all that goes with that
8. Having employment that pays well and is steady
9. Being open minded
10. Pumpkin Pie with whipped cream.

Renee

Need help with Blog site question

How do you make a shelf for your blog awards? I have add a gadget but not sure what to add??? I know, you would think I could figure that out by now!

Dragon Loyalty Award!

Thank you to Chic Mama for the Dragon Loyalty Award!  This is my first blog award and I am proud of it.  I am a bit green on how this works but I am going to attempt to pass this baby on! 

These following people definitely deserve to be thanked for their loyalty.

1. Barbara
2. Cat
3. Madison
4. Lou
5. Annette

Thank you all for being so comforting to me and being my buddy system through this crappy ride we are on! 

Renee

Playing Hide and Seek with Fear--Friday Flash 55

She kids herself, thinking she has figured it out and has found the illusive thing hiding within her. That dark emotion that brings about so much pain.  She becomes confident and drops her guard as she tricks herself into believing she can finally see it.  But, fear continues to play hide and seek with her.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

Hope you all have a super weekend!

So much for the silence!

I am at work so I will try to keep this post short, but I have to get this off my chest.  My son met my husband at work this morning and he took him out to our house.  He is trying to get into the dentist along with my brother as they both have a rotten tooth.  Anyways, my husband had to go back into town for some stuff and when he returned home my son was sleeping (passed out).  My son had asked my brother to wake him as he had a college class at 9:30 am, brother tried to no avail.  I spoke with my husband and he informed me of all of this.  I told him to wake my son and tell him he needs to go into town, to school late or somewhere else.  My husband tried to wake him but as usual when he is high he is passed out, rude when awoken and just a complete ass.  So I spoke with my husband again a few minutes ago, the dentist got my brother in and will see my son tomorrow (my husband has a friend in the low-income dentist office who helped out with this).  I know probably enabling on the dentist thing but we believe both of them have ab absessed tooth.  I told my husband to wake my son again, tell him he has 1/2 hour to get ready and take him to town...period.  He has been staying with friends for the past 3 weeks and not living in our home.  He is slowly failing at college and still has no job or real efforts to find one (couple of days he put in good job hunts, out of three weeks).  I am fed up.  I am too angry to even deal with him right now.  I will say as little as possible and try to not sound too much like a bitch to him when I do talk to him.  But I can't live with him anymore. He always figures it out when he feels like it, so he will just have to figure it out.  I hate this so much, this bitter angry feeling.  At first you are just heartbroken (still am), but then that bitterness and anger set in and it is so hard for me to move through that part.  The real issue is he is not seeking any kind of treatment and the Drug classes he does attend are only because of probation.  This has been going on so long now, and I know it could go on for years or he could die from his opiate addiction.  I don't bother to ask why anymore and I am trying hard to give it to God.  My counselor is still off until January and I haven't been to a meeting in a while.  There isn't one in my area until Monday.  I hope I can keep myself in check that long.  UGH!!!

Alanon Question

I have a quick question regarding Alanon and the 12 steps.  Our small group in our small town do not have any type of meetings to do actual step work.  We pick a topic and go.  So, I am wondering how it works in other communites.  I mean, do I just read through the steps and work them on my own?  Any comments would be appreciated. 

Stark Raving Mad for the Holiday Season

So for the past two years I have not really celebrated the holidays, too much family illness and death.  Oh boy, am I suddenly making up for lost time.  I have already decorated my house, my office, have my tree up and working on the outside decorations for X-mas!  I can't stop myself and it feels good.  I am so happy to be happy about something.  Life has been quiet, my son is staying with friends and things have been quiet on that front. I even went to the gym last night and plan to go tonight (haven't been in over a year). I am excited to cook and make a beautiful table for Thanksgiving and I feel I have much to be thankful for.  But seriously, the Christmas Tree is up!!!!!   Just wanted to share something light-hearted for a change.

Helium Balloon-Friday Flash 55

Sadness building up, fear and desperation.  The doubting of self and others, no trust to be found.  Holding onto the ballons filled with each emotion with dear life, too afraid of what will happen if they disappear.  Finally, one day the discovery of letting go...releasing the balloons along with the illusion of any control.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-Man!

**Note, whenever we have lost someone in the past few years, we always write loving messages on balloons and release them all at once, watching them fly high above us until we can't see them.  It is a nice feeling of release and I think I am going to go out, get some balloons, find a pretty spot and release some balloons with messages to my son this weekend.  That was my inspiration for this 55. 

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Silent

Since the post where I mentioned the angry conversation with my son Zach (Post), I have not heard from him.  I know he is around and alive but still, the silence has been a bit rough.  I also feel relief and some peace with the silence, so a bit of both, sadness and fear and then the peace.  I kind of feel bad about how our last conversation went, especially the delivery of my communication with him full of anger.  I feel guilt for the relief of not having to deal with any of the drama, but then I remember that I have a life too.  I never thought I would be at this place with my son, where I feel relief to not hear from him, enjoying the silence...never in a million years would I have thought I could feel this way.  It is a shame that to help ourselves we come to feel this way at times.  Kind of rambling tonight because I am teetering with my feelings back and forth.  I pray my son is safe and that the Lord will provide a divine intervention for him, show him the way to restore his health.  To all the other parents out there who go to bed at night not having heard from their addicted child, wondering, afraid, crying, feeling some guilt for feeling a bit of peace, praying and letting go and giving to God...I am there with you. 

Past, Present, Future--Friday Flash 55

The trauma of the past came up often, memories like post-it notes stuck all over thoughts.  Often thinking of the future, what could be, should be, won't be.  Whirling thoughts shifting like the wind in the mind.  A child laughs, suddenly all is still, the post-it notes taken with the wind--it is the present.

I counted post-it as one word:)  Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-Man!

Pay or Appear---Oops!

So Zach had a court date this past Monday.  It was for a pay fine or appear.  He knew about the date because he had mentioned it to us a few times in the past month or so.  He didn't go.  I presume he forgot or just thought it was no big deal.  He has the money saved for the fine, just didn't show.  So, they revoked probation and issued a warrant.  Boy oh boy, today was he scrambling about.  He ran right down to the store to get a money order for the court, then called me to find out where to take it (I work at the court).  That is the only help I gave him, directed him to the right building.  He now needs to contact his attorney and put the case on calendar and go before the Judge.  It will be interesting to see how well he does in this whole process without any assistance.  Oh, and he did call me at work last minute today to see if I could take a break and give him a ride to College.  I told him no and that he could walk, which is what he proceeded to do.  Baby steps!

Full Moon Rising

For many years I have shared a dance with my son, the dance of anger and resentment.  He pushes my buttons, I react, he reacts and so on.  I had done quite a bit of work on this and was doing well to sit with my emotions, not react immediately, just be a "watcher" so to speak.  As of late, I am finding myself bitter, angry and resentful of my son and quite frankly, acting it out on him.  I can't seem to be very nice to him at all, and have been ripping into him without him saying a word to set me off.  Today he asked for a ride home during my lunch hour so he could get some homework done.  I did so, with much traffic interruptions and me rushing along like a maniac.  When I came home from work he wanted a ride back into town to go bowling with some friends (non-addicts).  He had called me at work to ask first and I told him I would.  I found out he didn't do any of the homework that is due (mind you, it is HIS homework). I started in on him letting him know how sick of it all I was.  How he needs to grow up or get out.  How he needs to blah, blah, blah and some more blah!  I told him how we didn't have a real realtionship, it was based on his needing me to do things for him, nothing else.  How I was tired of being used and ready to live my life a bit more for myself.  On and on I went, the whole drive of 15 minutes to the bowling alley.  He has not been staying at home this past week, couch surfing I presume.  To make this shorter, I felt my words to some degree were my honest feelings, but some were just hurtful and my delivery was full of Anger!  I am not really beating myself up but feeling like that is not the best way to "support" my son who I want to get well.  I am becoming the bitter co-dependent and can't seem to help myself lately.  I also have gained over 30 pounds in the last two years, food is my addiction.  I need to be more honest with myself about how I have been using food to stave off my emotions, or avoid feeling at all.  I know the things I need to do but can't seem to muster the strength or motivation to do them.  So who am I to talk to my addict son about just getting better and stopping his drug abuse, when I am abusing food?  I mean, we have to eat to live, don't have to do drugs to live, but come on, over 30 pounds of emotional eating and no exercise.  That is not healthy living either.  So maybe I am beating myself up at bit....the moon is full and I feel like howling.