Share of an Important Post

I was over at "Her Big Sad's" blog today and read the best post!  I think it is a must read for any parent with a child suffering from addiction.  Here is the link:
http://herbigsad.blogspot.com/2010/06/two-posts-in-day-sheesh.html

Post at "INTERVENE...A Community for Parents"

I wrote a short piece some time back for the blog "INTERVENE...A Community for Parents".  I have posted the link below for those interested in checking it out.  I think the site is a great source of information for parents of addicts.

http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/06/overcoming-denial-finding-myself-again-amidst-my-son%e2%80%99s-drug-addiction/

A second job and some slips?

I will make this post short as I am at work.  My son now has two jobs, the one at Jack in the Box and another full time job in the daytime putting up awnings for patios.  He is working seven days a week from 8-4 p.m. and will maybe work a couple of evenings at the other place.  He is also playing softball for an NA team on Friday nights, so this is all positive but does not leave a lot of time for his program and he is still pretty fresh.

I picked him up for a BBQ we had for Father's Day yesterday.  He has a "girlfriend" who also recently went through the same rehab he did but is now living in a woman's sober living house.  It smells like trouble to me and I overheard him talking to his sponsor in the car, sounds like he is discouraging it, but Z isn't having it.  She seems nice but has many heavy issues and her drug of choice is the same as Z's.  He also seemed a bit "off" last night, like he was high.  I am not sure if Suboxone can make someone seem high or not.  I am supposed to talk to the doctor/nurse that is supplying him with it so they can clear up some questions for me.  I tried to bite my tongue and did a pretty good job of it.  The girl came with him to dinner and it all went well, he was just off at the end of the night.

It makes me a bit nervous, but I will just continue to pray and let go, pray, and let go......Not my business, keep my own side of the street clean.  Stay out of his way, so he can live out his journey in God's will and time, not mine.  Whew, hard sometimes, but I am getting better at taking care of me. 

Just felt I had to get this out.  Hope everyone is doing well, I have been reading and posting comments often. Going to a meeting tonight and family group on Wednesday, sponsor call on Tuesday, hoping to start my first step. 

Renee

He got a job

I returned to work this Monday after two weeks off from surgery.  The second week off I was feeling better and worked on some spiritual reading and prayer.  I was so positive from that and felt better each day.  I will continue to work on it daily it just won't be as much time as I was able to do.  I find that I have been feeling a bit resentful since last night of little stuff.  I really need to search myself on this, because I get angry with my loved ones (husband lately) over small stuff that is really about resentment.  Then I figure it out and relay that to him.  I just have really noticed that I have a pretty big problem with resentment and the "it's not fair" type of stuff.  Pity party time!!  Ha:) 

On a lighter note Z called the other day and got a job, first one in probably a couple of years.  I am very happy for him and told him how proud we were.  He downplayed it because it is at Jack in the Box, but I told him a job is a job, who cares, plus he likes their food...he laughed and said "well that is true".  He says he will continue looking for a better job while he works.  As of late at work, many parents are sharing their pride in their kids graduating and going off to college or great jobs.  I, as I am sure many of you also do, sit quietly and listen, never sharing about my boy.  So I am happy to share here with you all since you understand how proud I am of him today.

Not posting a lot, trying to get back in the groove of the work thing, but am reading and trying to comment.  Hope you all have a great rest of the week.

Renee

Family Dinner/Suboxone and the Needle

Today was my husband's birthday.  I made him a carrot cake with creme cheese frosting from scratch (turned out yummy).  We all ended up going to an old favorite steak house of the family.  Since my son lives in the town where this restaurant is located he agreed to get there early and get us a table, which worked out nice.  Everyone got along at the dinner and much laughter was had by all.  Our boys seemed to find some peace and that made our evening very special.

My son shared a few things with me at dinner that were pretty private. He went today to get tested for AIDS, Hep. C, etc.  He seemed a bit concerned.  I did ask him "well you never shot up did you:?"  He has always told me he never had, nor would.  Tonight he shared he had, said only a few times, but that probably means one too many times for my little ol heart to be comfortable with.  I didn't respond much and he also indicated he is currently on suboxone.  He has been attending many meetings and does have a sponsor and is working on step one.  He is living in a sober living house.  So the needle and suboxone things took me off guard.  He stated that the doctor who prescribes the suboxone is all for family support and will meet with any interested family at any time to explain the drug and answer any fears.  I know quite a bit about suboxone but told my son I thought that would be a great idea and lets set that up.  He was calm, polite, funny and seemed happier and healthier than he has in quite some time. To be truthful with all of you, even though I let him speak, offered the kind "hmm", or that's good type of response, I am scared about the needles and the suboxone, but I know there is nothing I can do but continue to give him over to HIS higher power and let go, live in the present and enjoy the many blessings of today.

Thoughts of Madison and broken heart for Katie

Many of you who have blogged for awhile will remember Madison.  She had to retire from our blogging community for personal reasons, but I do miss her terribly.  She had such a beautiful way with words, so soothing and would always make me feel safe and hopeful.  I remember she put an analogy on one of her posts and I can't quote it verbatim but it was something like the following:

"My husband and I have a "pretend" mote around our house.  When our addicts shows decides to show up with what will invariably be some type of drama or request for services, we decide if we will choose to put the draw bridge down over the mote to let them in.  It is a way for us to keep the peace in our house, keep our boundaries and ourselves safe."

I just loved it along with practically everything else she would share.  So for those that remember Madison, send her a loving thought and maybe she will feel us all thinking of her beautiful soul. 

On another note, I have been following a blog that I believe Sherry alerted me to.  I have been reading for about a month now and it is a tragic story of a family loss of their addicted son.  The mother's name is Katie and she is a professional blogger.  Her writing is so raw and honest, fearless.  She is truly an inspiration to me, I just want to reach out to her somehow.  Please check out her personal blog which follows her son Henry's beating and overdose, along with his month long battle in the hospital before his death.  Now they are having some issues with the criminal investigation over the beating that are proving to be very frustrating.  She shares with such love, you end up knowing Henry like he is a neighbor kid or a friend of the family.  I feel truly blessed that she is sharing her story.  The beginning of Henry's tragic end starts here.  Please stop by if you get a chance to read through her beautiful yet painful blog and offer her some support.  I will continue to follow her and forever be changed by her story.

Thanks everyone, and Madison, if you are out there in disguise, stop by and just say Hi....I will know:) 

Update on several past posts

I was reading some of my older posts to review the journey I have been on, the support I have received and to just reflect.  I wanted to give a quick update from some of those posts as I know I like to know how your loved ones and you are doing after some type of situation/crisis.  I wanted you all to know that I did not break on the cell phone and my son to date does not have his turned on.  Surprise, he is able to get a hold of his sponsor on a daily basis, which I figured.  I did offer to purchase him some bus passes (he did not ask me for this).  He was excited about that and thought it would be a good idea since he will need to be looking for work.  He has settled into the sober living house but thinks his cash aid will not come through due to the possibility of the hanging felony (which will be dropped if he completes his probation).  We discussed that and he stated he has a month to find work so I am hoping he can find something.  I did purchase his N.A. books for him and we bought him a few groceries for the sober living place.  I do not feel like I am enabling him with doing these things, maybe I am, but it felt good to offer something to him that I was o.k. with and had no expectations from.  When he is working hard at his sobriety, I find myself wanting to offer some type of "hand up" to him, something I can live with. 

I had to go to the town where he is living today for my post op appointment and we stopped by and took Z for a burger, then dropped him off at the rehab facility for a meeting.  I am really starting to try and work on myself.  I have a great sponsor, am finishing a reading assignment and hope to start working my steps soon.  My relationship with God has become stronger and I find great comfort at the family group Al-Anon meetings I am attending. 

I look back at my past posts and see the growth that both myself and my son have gone through.  I know we both have a long way to go and really there is no true destination, it is just a continued growing and learning process of life.  I am starting to allow some hope into my life, some positivity, which has long been missing.  I look forward to the work ahead of me and working on myself instead of distracting my own issues with trying to fix other people.  I don't think I would be to this point without having found this blogging community.  My truth growth and open mindedness started with this blog and all of you.  I love you guys!

Renee

You're Fired!

I went to my counseling meeting and family group meeting tonight.  I shared at both that I am now so aware of my negative future projective thinking and it is scary how much time I can spend doing it!  As you know my son is now out of the rehab in in a sober living facility.  He has 41 days clean and he seems to really be giving it his best.  I have noticed lately that I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to be let down yet again.  I have been thinking soooo much that I have even questioned how good my distraction methods are, how good my prayer is, blah, blah, blah...I could go on forever. 

Anyways, my counselor told me basically it wasn't rocket science and when I caught myself thinking obsessively, then to distract with any number of the tools I have learned.  So then I go off to the family meeting and share my frustration at how crazy I feel and how hard it is to stop the stupid thoughts.  A woman at the meeting who is a recovering addict said several things that made since to me.  She is a tough woman who has four years clean and likes to tell it like it is.  She said when I am thinking uncontrolably, to not only give it to my higher power but to realize they are just thoughts and go to the mirror, look at myself and say "you're fired".  I LOVE this, it just says it all.  I am fired, I suck at being the boss and need to let the true boss, God, take over (not that I was ever truly in control). 

I hope I am not rambling too much but I was just super excited by this little gem and had to share, hope it helps someone else out there with "stinking thinking". 

Renee

Another New Parent

Please stop by to show this Mom some support.

Trying to have Patience!

I have never been a very patient person, especially when it comes to my own healing.  This is something I must work on and learn to just accept.  I am feeling pretty icky after the surgery, not sure if it is the antibiotics or pain meds, but something is making me feel yucky.  I know, I know, just had surgery Renee, takes time.  I have been resting a lot, doing pretty much nothing but what I am told, but still struggling just releasing into it and letting time heal me, somehow I fight even being down. 

Update on Z.  He left the Rehab after 38 days yesterday to a sober living house 30 minutes from where we live in the next town over.  As you may recall he was only able to get funding for 30 days through his probation/drug program because he was "doing so well" on the Prop. 36 program.  The rehab gave him and extra 8 days and the sober living house is working with him until his assistance/job come through.  I am proud of him for making these choices and proud of me for giving him the dignity to do it on his own, in his own power without any of my real "help" or "fixing".  I am nervous and continue to fight negative future projecting thoughts.  I know that all I have is the NOW, and that is the only thing.  Right NOW my son is living on his own terms in a sober living house with 39 days clean.  That is it.  I pray each and every day that God keep providing my son with good solid mentors and support people to assist in his conquering his addiction.  I ask the same for myself with my codependent issues.  My son does have a sponsor and is working the steps.  All I can do is have hope this is his time to get well and let it go. 

I have been reading a lot and trying to comment.  So much going on with everyone.  I wanted to thank Dad for his post here, it was very helpful and the dialogue we all have is so important to our growth.  I have grown so much since I first started blogging, it is fascinating to me to go back and read earlier posts compared to current posts.  It gives me hope.  I have not been writing as much as I am trying to heal physically, but you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during my down time, now please just pray that I will have the patience to give myself time to heal.  Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Much Love and gratitude to you all.

Renee