Update
UPDATE: Just a quick update from the post below. First, thank you all for commenting, it gave me strength throughout my day yesterday, and I must say you were all much "easier" on me than my counselor! Basically I went to counseling last night and she reiteriated that my son should leave my home, be homeless, and figure it all out on his own, without a licence, car, no shelter (we are not in the city, don't have a Mission type situation right now), no job, no skills. Wow, what a tough thing for me to do, toss him out into the cold, seems so cold hearted and is breaking my heart thinking about it. BUT, I feel as though I have hit my bottom with this situation? I am angry all the time, sad all the time, fighting with my husband all the time. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I am trying to keep up my exercise but am getting about 5 hours of sleep no matter what I do (that is with taking meds). I realized as I was posting the entry below that I would not be calling my son's PO or his drug counselor, I know better. My motives for doing it were pure of heart, to assist my son, not to rat him out, but it is his stuff, not mine. I think I will start attending open AA meetings as I believe I can find someone there that will be able to help me work the steps better than our local Alanon, which is about 6 people large and not sure anyone has really worked the steps. My hormones are all over the place, I am tired and feel like I am not going to handle any conversations or decisions in a very constructive way today. My counselor basically said I could keep doing what I am doing and probably become VERY ill and keep my son ill in the process, or I could let go. So much easier said than done with a child:( Thanks you guys for the support!
Renee
ORIGINAL POST
So it has been a bit of time since I last posted. Much has been happening, good and bad, such is life. I have relapsed! I know it isn't permanent but I yesterday in particular, I allowed myself to go completely insane with my codependency and it was almost ALL aimed at my son. As my post here!! shows, I have been in fear, fighting against what is and of course just grieving some more. My son has been at my house since Sunday evening. It is hard to have the boundary talk with him as he tries to avoid it at all costs. It at times becomes more of a lecture to him, which is not the most producitve way to get the boundaries out there. The obvious one is that he not use in my home or come home "high". He recently was put on the court calendar for revocoation of probation for not attending his court ordered drug classes (or something, I try and stay out of that). I have added some of the following:
1. Must look for work and show me proof that he has done so.
2. Must attend mandatory "outside" drug classes for probation, not JUST FORGE the signature card like 95% of the people ordered to go are doing at the present time. He has two inside meetings that he has consistently attended for almost a year. We are to drive him, make sure he goes in, then pick him up after the meeting.
3. Do house chores assigned (this has always been a tough one).
So I know, it is his program, he must be the one to do it. BUT, if he is going to stay at my house and for me to support him financially and emotionally, he MUST attend the outside meetings for real, not just forge it. Yesterday, he managed to get one application done online, mow the front and back lawns, go to the gym and an AA meeting which I actually attended with him. He prefers the AA meetings as he does not run into all the people he knows at NA that still use and have drugs on site. I know that fact to be true, work in the system so it is what it is...broken.
I found myself getting caught up in circles with him yesterday while I was at work, trying to organize a meeting time for him (so I could give him a ride, we live out in the country, no public transport). It just kept changing, and I kept trying to hold my ground, then it all became blurred, was it a boundary or was I following my ego and trying to control out of fear? Wow how that line can be crossed just so easily! By the time I got home from work I was a complete controlling fool. I was angry and nothing anyone had done was good enough, the chores, the application, nothing. I had a plan to walk with my brother and that got foiled as I allowed it to. I took my son to the gym and tried to get a walk in with my brother, rushed home for a shower and dinner, picked my son up from the gym and we went to the AA meeting. I listened to the people speak with all my might, my son sat and yawned through the whole thing pretty much. No matter, I did take away some good things and felt honored to be with people that were working so hard at their sobriety.
Right before we got to the meeting my son informed me he had given his X-mas watch that we bought him to some guy for drugs on behalf of some girl he knew. Whatever! He wanted to take $50.00 out of the money he has saved for his probation fines to get the $130 watch back. He does recycling for us and makes a little chunk every month that goes towards his fines. I was hurt and proceeded to tell him so. It was the first tangible item I had bought him in years (other than clothes, cologne, essentials worth very little money). He was upset with himself for doing it and at first I contemplated helping him get it back. Then I thought maybe he should just figure this one out, lose the watch, experience the pain. Needless to say, I was pissed and continued to berate him the rest of the evening, not just over the watch, but anything I could. I am ashamed of myself today, but have a counseling appt. tonight and have called to see if my son could attend with me.
On a different note, many of you have had contact with your adult addicted kid's probation/parole officers. Do you think it is a good idea to contact my son's probation officer to advise her of the issues he and I are having at home and the fact that I think he needs rehab? I am not sure they even offer rehab for Prop. 36 in my county as it is small, conservative and there is NO State funding it appears? How about contacting his main probation drug and alcoholl counselor? My inner voice always says "stay out of it, his problem, not yours" when I think about doing this. But then I have read where others have done steps like these and wonder if it is productive. He would probably be livid and again, his problem.
HELP!!!!
6 comments:
I know that it's tough, I've been through it with my own son. He's been sober now for a couple of years, so please take heart and take hope. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Kid's with addictions are especially hard. You've got to make your own judgment about where your boundaries are and how you need to handle it. Don't let anyone make those decisions for you. You're the one who will have to live with them. I'll be thinking of you.
I'm writing nicely, with empathy for your situation. I totally agree with the counselor. She is recommending that you give your son the gift of desperation. That gift has turned a lot of lives around. Be blessed. None of this is easy. Three cheers for whoever is advising you. Love her.
You are going through so much. I really like the comment left by chitowngreg. I was never able to kick Keven out even though that was the general consensus of those advising me. I just couldn't do it. But in my case it was not interfering with a marriage so it was different. I waited and thankfully the law did the hard stuff for me. Has your son been tested for mental illness? I know that's not the case for all addicts but I think its the main thing that helped for Kev, being on the right meds gives him a chance to make better decisions. Thinking of you and sending love your way.
I've got somewhat of the same dilemma, and at this time, my DH is particularly opposed to my giving any further info to the PO. It is, as you say, "her stuff, not mine." (I'm not going against DH's wishes at this time.) I am praying for you (and your son) as you make these decisions. You are a good mom in a tough situation. It's hard, all of it.
it is not just tough it is scary to think of the consequences, then there is good old step one again letting us know of our powerlessness.
do we really need to be hard on you are already hard enough on yourself. you need to take it easy and yes let go of the illusion of control you think you have by trying to help him. because it is out of your hands and you are fighting with surrender and lashing out at family and the ones you love.
this is normal, believe it or not it is normal, not easy but it is a lesson you are learning, once you learn it, you will quit struggling.
you will find your peace, and we will be here to support you. you are an awesome mom and if you were my mom i would tell you i love you every day. i miss my mom very much. take care of you and make the decision that feels right to you.
We wanted to save all three of the addicts in our family,2 didn't make it. We realized that it isn't us who can do the saving, the addict must will himself or herself to stop.
Secretia
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